


I'm Waiting For the Day

by japhanforever



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Pet Store, M/M, Pet Store
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-15
Updated: 2017-04-16
Packaged: 2018-05-14 01:08:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 33
Words: 103,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5723806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/japhanforever/pseuds/japhanforever
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan has been working in the Lester's pet store for two years now, but he has been pining after their youngest son, Phil, since possibly the beginning of time. Phil is somewhat of an enigma to everyone, and Dan wants nothing more than to get to know Phil a little better, but since Phil has never given Dan a second look, it seems impossible. That is until Phil asks Dan to accompany him to a pet expo to help expand their business. Then, a whole lot of things seem more possible. (also this will be chaptered i some how messed that up in the description)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

Dan really, truly believed he knew what being in love would feel like. He had read about it enough times to know the symptoms of being head over heels. Or so he thought. 

 

He thought you were supposed to be mesmerized by the other person’s every action, like when they licked their lips, or flipped their hair, or blew their god damned nose. He thought it meant you thought they were beautiful, always, and that they had no faults. He thought it meant that you thought about them every second of everyday. Until he realized that wasn’t the case. That was the fun, fictionalized version of love, but that wasn’t real life. It couldn’t be real life. That kind of obsession just wasn’t sustainable over a long period of time. 

 

So when he realized that he was, in fact, in love with someone, he was confused. 

 

Phil was cute in most ways, but he wasn’t perfect. Dan didn’t swoon when he licked his lips or fixed his hair. Most of the time, he didn’t even notice when Phil did things like that. And not everything Phil did was attractive. Sometimes he missed a spot shaving and would have one long hair on his cheek that would bug Dan all day. Sometimes he would burp, and it was gross. And to be completely honest, a lot of what Phil did wasn’t even that interesting. He was quiet, kept to himself, didn’t even seem to know that Dan existed unless he needed something from him. But most times, Dan quite liked Phil, and being around Phil. He wanted to be around Phil more, get to know him like you would normally when you fancied someone.

 

Unfortunately, that was impossible. 

 

Phil was technically his boss. Phil’s parents owned the pet shop that Dan had been working in since his last year of high school, but they mostly just dealt with the financial stuff, payroll and the like. Phil and his older brother, Martyn, dealt with the employees. In any other situation, a relationship between them would have been completely plausible. Dan was nineteen, Phil was twenty-three, they weren’t so far apart in age that it would be weird. But Phil seemed to make it his rule that he didn’t date his employees .He barely even looked at them twice. Dan thought maybe it would be different, since they had known each other before Dan started working there. He had been a costumer at the shop since he was fifteen, when he bought his dog there, and came in almost every weekend to buy things his dog didn’t need, and mostly to see Phil. Phil was polite, as he was running a business, but he still didn’t talk to Dan much because he was a costumer, and just a kid on top of that. Dan thought maybe he would get to know him better when he worked there, but apparently, he was an enigma to everyone, even Martyn. On top of that, Phil was really cool. Like Danny Zuko cool. Too cool for someone like Dan at least. So, Dan had spent the last two years of working there pining, even deciding to stay at Pet Castle during his gap year instead of travelling. 

 

He didn’t think it was a bad decision. He loved working with the cats and dogs.The hamsters were fine. The store actually started out with hamsters, as Phil used to breed them, but he had moved on to other interests since then. Dan wasn’t a huge fan of the lizards and birds, but the fish were alright. He supposed he only thought the fish were alright because the fish side of the store was sort of Phil’s speciality. He knew everything about every kind of tropical fish, and everything about coral. He even bred his own coral, buying frags from a big supplier in America and splitting them to make more. There was a rumor that Phil was actually scared of the sea, but you wouldn’t be able to guess it with how he fawned over the tropical fish section of the store. 

 

Phil was working on some coral frags in the backroom when Dan got there in the morning. It was a Monday and he was working the earliest shift, going through the store and cleaning cages and tanks, refreshing food and water, making sure everyone was healthy and happy before the store opened at nine. Even then, it would be slow. Not many people had a lot of pet needs between nine and three, when school got out. Then the kids from schools near by would flood the store for no other reason than to poke and prod at the poor animals until the employees or Phil told them to piss off, in the nicest way possible. 

 

Phil nodded his greeting to Dan when he entered. “Louise is already working on cats and dogs. Why don’t you go for rodents or fish?” Phil suggested, his voice low as he concentrated on placing the coral frags on pieces of PVC. Phil wasn’t one for hellos. 

 

“Yessir,” Dan said, setting his things in the break room. 

 

Phil gave him an odd look  “Since when do you call me sir?”

“Not sure, it just came out to be honest,” Dan said, blushing. Phil didn’t talk much, but when he did, he always managed to make Dan feel like a fifteen year old girl trying to flirt with the twenty year old waiter while her parents sat next to her. 

 

Phil smiled, but didn't look up, very focused on making sure he didn’t damage the coral. “Just get on with the fish, would you?”

 

“I'm on it,” Dan said, picking up a walkie talkie and  hurrying into the store. There was one good thing about working at Pet Castle for so long, and that was that Phil trusted him to know what he was doing. He trusted Dan with handling his most precious stock in the store. Maybe Dan was reading into it too much, but he felt like it meant something. 

 

Upon entering the store floor, he heard a clamor of metal falling to the tile and Louise cursing. 

 

“Dammit, Socks, I’m just trying to feed you,” she said. Socks was a well known escape artist. He was Houdini come back as a cat. Dan decided to help, as Louise would need all the help she could get. 

 

“Lou?” 

 

“Oh my god, Dan, come here and hold this little shit down while I feed him please,” Louise called from the cat aisle. 

Dan hurried down the back aisle that connected all the other aisles in the store, making a sharp left down the second to last, where all the cats lived. Louise was holding the door of Sock’s cage shut, while Socks was on the other side, trying to scratch Louise through the bars while simultaneously trying to wedge his foot out of the door. This cat was way too smart. Louise looked up at Dan pleadingly as he made his way towards the front of the store to her. 

 

“I love cats,” Louise began, her voice defeated. “You know I love cats.”

“I do,” Dan said nodding sympathetically while he scooped Socks up in his arms, hooking two fingers around his collar so he couldn’t worm away. He felt Socks scratch at him, and he was thankful he has worn a long sleeve shirt. 

 

“But I can’t wait til we sell this cat,” Louise said, her eyes wide. “I'm normally so sad to see them go, but I want him gone. You’d think we were torturing him with how he tries to get away.”

 

“I know,” Dan agreed. 

 

“Ok, put the sneaky shit back in,” Louise said, holding the door open and quickly shutting it after Dan set Socks down. “Got you,” she whispered, latching the cage. “Let’s see, Phil is taking the manager shift today, obviously, or you would have swapped with someone else to get on when he was, so let me guess: you’re on fish duty?”

 

Dan rolled his eyes, pretending to be annoyed. “I would not have switched shifts” he mumbled. 

Louise was his best friend, had been since they were 14. She had seen the entirety of of Dan’s hopeless one sided romance with Phil from start to present. She had spent countless work holiday parties standing in the corner with Dan, trying to either talk him down from going to hit on Phil or talk him down from leaving because Phil brought a date. Phil’s dates were always some rando no one had ever met, because Phil didn’t date inside the store, and on top of that, everyone knew about Dan. There was sort of a silent agreement among the floor staff that Dan had first dibs should Phil miraculously start dating within the company, though Dan suspected that was more out of pity for him than anyone actually considering it might happen. 

“Dan,” Louise chastised. 

“He probably knows huh? With all the shift changing I do?”

“Oh, Dan, you beautiful boy. You dense, beautiful, beautiful boy. Everyone knows. They only have to look at you for two seconds to know. Do you think after two years of working here, Phil hasn’t heard a murmur about you and your big, ol crush?” Louise said, moving on to the next cage, which held a docile grey kitten named Violet.

“When you put it that way,” Dan trailed off. “I have fish to feed,” he said abruptly, not wanting to think anymore about how Phil most likely knew he was head over heels for him. 

“Oh, I know you do,”Louise called after him as he hurried down to the back of the store to cross over to fish. 

“Was that supposed to be an innuendo?” Dan asked over his shoulder. 

“Yeah, not very successful, huh?” Lou answered. 

“Not at all. Meet you in the middle?” he asked. That meant Louise, who had already finished dogs in the aisle before cats, would finish cats, do rodents, and meet Dan on birds, which they would do together. He would do fish and lizards on his own. 

“Sure thing,” Louise assured him. She knew he hated the birds and would help him with it, even if it meant she had to do three and a half aisles while he only did two and a half. 

 

He started at the back of the aisle, with the larger, more exotic fish, like lionfish and butterfly tangs. Since they were bigger, there were often only one or two to a tank. The angel fish whose tank he was about to clean were called Lucy and Desi. They were always called Lucy and Desi. They always had two in the store. They replaced one when it got sold, but they never bothered to change the names. It was easier that why, so when someone said ‘Hey go grab Desi,” everyone know who that was. He pulled back the small, black plastic sliding door that hid the tops of the tank, then removed the salt-encrusted piece of clear plastic that was meant to keep the fish in and other things out. He was about to pour in food when he noticed only Lucy (or Desi, they never specified which was which) was in the tank. He didn’t remember selling them. He radioed to the backroom. 

“Inventory question,” he said after the static feedback came through when he pressed the button. 

“Shoot,” Phil answered. 

“We only have one butterfly tang in the tank. How many do we have on the roster,” Dan asked. He always felt like a weird fish spy when he had to ask these questions. It’s not that he thought the fish was stolen. He actually had a good idea where the fish was. About once a month, a fish made its way through the filter into the pump room and swam around in the giant vats of salt water until the floor staff noticed it was gone. It was harder to notice with the smaller fish, like blue damsels or guppies, but with the big ‘uns, they noticed immediately. 

“Shit,” Phil’s voice buzzed through the speaker. Dan could hear a roar that could only be the rushing water of the pump room.  “Well, come on, Howell. Let’s get him out.” 

 

Dan’s heart jumped. He rarely got to work directly with Phil, so he was always excited when he had to help him in the pump room. It gave them an excuse to talk. 

 

“Be right back, Lou. Desi’s in the pump room!” 

 

‘Well don’t sound so excited,” she called from the very front of the cat aisle. 

 

He hurried through the backroom door and down the dark hall to the pump room, opening the door to be hit in the face with the briny smell of the water and the sound of the water being cycled back into the tanks on the store floor. Phil was stood on the concrete retaining wall, looking down at one of two small reservoirs where the filtered water went. 

 

“He’s in this one,” he said, pointing down.

 

That was another thing about Phil. If a fish got in the pump room while it was his shift, he always came back to watch its retrieval, but whichever member of the floor staff that volunteered to help him (which, ninety-nine percent of the time was Dan) would be the one that had to get the net and fish him out. Dan suspected this was because Phil was secretly very clumsy. 

 

He was relatively sure he was the only one that know about this flaw of Phil’s. He had happened upon it one night by accident. Some of the employees that had been there for an extended amount of time and that opened or closed frequently had their own keys to the store (Dan and Louise included) and sometimes, they took it upon themselves to check on the animals when it was later at night, just to make sure everything was all fine and dandy. Dan was having a particularly hard time getting to sleep a few months ago, so he got in his car and drove to Pet Castle. If anyone asked why he had been there, he would say it was to refill food and such, it wasn’t uncommon for an employee to do such, but really, he was there to cuddle a puppy. Sometimes, he found, when he was lonely, he just needed to cuddle a sleepy puppy for a few hours. It got the dogs used to human contact, so he didn’t really see an issue with his secret puppy cuddle time. 

It was around one in the morning when he arrived at the store, and all the lights except the dark blue night lights in the animal cages should have been shut off, but the backroom was lit up like it was midday. He set down his keys quietly and pulled his cell phone from his back pocket, ready to dial the police should there be a burglar. He heard a crash, or splash, rather, from the pump room. 

“What the hell would someone want to steal in the pump room?” he had muttered, under his breath, but had hurried to check what the source of the noise was none the less. 

He opened the door to find Phil in the reservoir, completely soaked, his black hair hanging stringy in his face as he attempted to climb out. 

“Um, Phil, you alright?” 

Phil was startled at the other man’s voice and slipped, falling back into the water. 

“When the fuck did you get here?” Phil asked breathily when he resurfaced, spitting salt water back into the reservoir and pushing his hair out of his face to give Dan a surprisingly angry look. 

“Just now. I was going to check on the cats and dogs and stuff. I heard a splash in here and I came into check and see if it was a burglar,” Dan explained. “Do you need help?” 

“I wouldn’t object to it,” Phil said rather sarcastically. 

Dan grabbed one of the dirty rags hanging on the wall that they typically used to wipe their hands and tucked it in his pocket before walking over to the reservoir wall. He braced himself with one hand and held the other out for Phil. 

Phil grasped his hand, his own  hand slick with salt water. It slipped from Dan’s grip once, but Phil was quick to grab at it again and avoided falling back into the cold water. Dan pulled him up and Phil climbed with his other hand, getting back up on the reservoir wall, then hopping down onto the ground. 

“Uh, here,” Dan stuttered, letting go of Phil’s hand and pulling the rag from his pocket. 

Phil gave him a look. “Why don’t you go get a real towel from the staff room. Please,” he added, bitterly. “I have some extra clothes in my locker, too, grab those please. Combo is 01-19-81.”

Dan spun around quickly and hurried into the staff room, grabbing a towel from the cabinet underneath the sink, then made his to Phil’s locker. “01-19-81” he muttered to himself as he spun the combination and pulled the lock open with a click. 

As he grabbed the red company t-shirt and the pair of black skinny jeans from the shelf. He closed the door and locked it once more. He started to walk back to the pump room when a pair of boxers fell to the floor, apparently having been folded up inside the pair of jeans. He felt his cheeks color as he picked them up and shoved them back into the pile of clothes he was carrying.

He opened the door to the pump room  to find Phil shirtless, sitting on the reservoir wall, hair hiding his face. Dan stopped short in the doorway, taken aback. He hadn’t really expected to see his boss in this state of dishevelment before. Hoped and prayed for it, yes, but never expected to actually be a witness to it. 

Phil looked at him. “Don’t just stare at me, it’s fucking freezing you know,” Phil said, the strange hostility that Dan had seen in his face the first time he had walked in on him that night returning. He snatched the towel from Dan, who stood kind of in shock as Phil dried his hair and chest. Phil then took the clothes from him and placed them on top of one of the closed filter tanks, then unbuttoned his jeans and began to kick them off. 

“There’s a clownfish in there by the way,” Phil continued, his voice softening. “Would you mind, maybe getting him out?” 

How could Dan resist? The man he had been in love with since he was fifteen was stood in front of him, soaking wet wearing only his underwear, looking so sexily disheveled that Dan could hardly refuse to help him out. 

“Sure,” Dan nodded, certain his cheeks were turning bright pink, trying to look anywhere other than Phil’s nearly naked body. He swore he saw Phil smirk, but there had been too much of his fringe in his face to really get a read on his expression. He had grabbed the long handle net and leaned over the edge of the pool, looking around for a flash of orange and white, and upon seeing it, spent a good five minutes trying to get the frisky bastard out. 

In the time it took to get the fish into the finely meshed net, Phil had gotten redressed into dry clothes and prepared a plastic baggie full of salt water to carry the fish back to rightful home. Dan tilted the fish into the bag as Phil held it. 

“I can put him back,” Dan offered, setting down the net so it leaned against the cement wall. 

‘Nah, I got it,” Phil insisted. He gave Dan a weak smile. He tossed his head to get his still drying hair out of his eyes and padded his way across the pump room floor to the door, leaving his wet clothes and shoes strewn across the room. Dan had gathered up Phil’s things and brought them back into the backroom, draping them over the back of the metal folding chairs so they could get to drying. 

 

Dan was just about to leave, deciding puppy cuddling was now out of the question now that Phil had seen him, but Phil’s voice behind him stopped him from going. 

“You didn’t have to hang up my clothes for me, Dan. You’re too nice to me. I’m always a dick to you. I guess I haven't been a very good friend to you,” Phil said, shrugging awkwardly. 

“You’re a good boss though. I don’t think I know you well enough to be a friend,” Dan said, not sure where the words were coming from. He was worried he sounded mean but he was just saying what he felt. 

“Yeah,” Phil said quietly, nodding. “I guess you’re right.” 

Dan couldn’t help but think the other man looked oddly defeated. It could just be that he had fallen into a very large tank of salt water, but Dan suspected it was something else. 

‘So,” Phil began again, not making eye contact with Dan. He reached up to rub at the back of his neck, his t-shirt  which was a tad too tight, riding up to expose his stomach. Dan had found it difficult to look away. “You’re just going to leave without cuddling any puppies?” 

“How did you know about that?” Dan asked, his eyes blowing up to the size of dinner plates. 

“It’s my store, I know about everything that happens in this building,” Phil said, raising his eyebrows suggestively. “And,” he continued, his tone changing to something much lighter, “I saw you a few times on the closed circuit TV in the breakroom.” 

Dan let out a deep breath, taking his hand away from the door. He should have known better. There were security  cameras on the store floor, Dan knew that, but he guessed he never thought anyone was in the breakroom to see him when he visited at one or two in the morning. He guessed it would make sense if Phil came here when he couldn’t sleep, too. The store was his whole life. 

“Oh, right,” Dan answered. He couldn’t think of anything else to say. 

“How about we make a deal?” Phil asked. 

Dan looked up, awaiting what Phil said next. 

“I won’t tell anyone about your midnight puppy cuddles if you don’t tell anyone about my, uh, mishap. Wouldn’t be great for people to know the big bad boss is a clutz. Or that you saw me get dressed for that matter,” Phil finished. Uncharacteristic color rose to Phil’s cheeks, but Dan attributed it to the fact that he had just spent extended amounts of time submerged in rather cold water. 

“Sure,” Dan agreed. He regretted saying it immediately, because that meant that he couldn’t, or rather shouldn’t, tell Louise, and he would really have loved to have asked her what she thought of the interaction, even though he knew she would tell him that she was overthinking the whole thing. It was just a normal conversation. He could tell himself that. 

“Now, are you going to just stand there, or are you going to do what you came here for?” Phil asked him. 

Dan was taken aback. “Is it alright if I do go in?” 

“I don’t see a problem with it,” Phil shrugged. 

“Ok,” Dan nodded, happy that Phil was ok with it, because after seeing what he saw tonight, he wasn’t sure he would be getting to sleep anytime soon. He made his way onto the store floor and picked out a tiny yellow lab, holding her in the crook of his arm and stroking her head, watching her fall back asleep, and then trying to focus his best on her steady, calm breathing. Daisy, he believed her name was. She had been sold a few days later. He was sad to see her go.

 

He thought about that event at least twice a day since, or at least thought of the image of Phil, nearly naked and soaking wet standing in the pump room twice a day. And of course, he remembered it every time he joined Phil in the pump room to rescue another fish. And of course, he was thinking about it now as he went to capture Desi (or Lucy) from the reservoir while Phil prepared a bag to carry it back to his tank. 

 

“Thanks,” Phil said, quietly, as he held out the bag for Desi to slip into. “Will you put him back home?” 

“Of course,” Dan said, smiling at his boss. 

He hadn’t expected Phil, someone normally so guarded and stone faced, to smile back, but he did. A big, genuine smile. If he had had a camera, he would have taken a picture and kept it in his pocket for the rest of his life. But he didn’t, so he had to rely on memory to preserve the moment. 

  
He took Desi back to the tank, sort of in a daze from a combination of remembering that night a few months ago and being witness to what was perhaps one of the brightest smiles in the world. He went about caring for the fish, but he was in autopilot. He barely even noticed when he moved on to reptiles, and didn’t even cringe when he had to remove some shed skins from a couple tanks. He was pulled into reality when he met Louise on the bird aisle. 

 

‘What are you so happy about?” she asked, giving Dan a sideways glance as she battled with a cockatoo to get its empty food bowl.

Dan laughed to himself for a moment, thinking about how odd it was that being attacked by a bird was something Louise could just talk through as though it was a manicure. It was so normal for them. 

“Nothing,” Dan said, smiling at her. 

“Definitely something,” Louise insisted. ‘What did the bossman say to make you so giddy?” 

“Nothing. He just smiled,” Dan answered, pulling the dirty newspaper out from one cage to replace it with some fresh paper. 

“Phil “Too Cool For Emotions” Lester smiled at you? Wow, Dan, you’re definitely in,” Louise said, rolling her eyes.

There was something in her voice that made Dan feel like she was only half joking. At least, he hoped that was the case. 

 

They both jumped as Phil’s voice crackled through their radios. 

“Ten minutes to opening, you two almost done?” 

“Almost,” Dan answered, beating Louise at pulling out the radio by just seconds. 

She shot him a look that was a mixture of annoyance and pity. ‘You’ll really do anything to talk to him, won’t you?” she whispered as they awaited Phil’s reply. 

“Good, thanks, Dan.” Phil said. 

Louise wrinkled her nose as the static crackled, signalling the end of Phil’s message. 

“That was weird,” she commented, closing the cockatoo’s cage now that his food was refreshed. 

“Why?” Dan asked, slipping the radio back into the holster on his belt. 

“He’d normally just say good. Since when does he ever thank us or address us by name over radio? Or in person even?” Louise asked. 

“I dunno,” Dan said, realizing that it was true; Phil never addressed them personally on radio. “Maybe it’s just because he knows the entire floor staff can hear you when you talk over radio.” 

“Maybe,” Louise said. 

Dan could feel her looking at him as he moved on to the next cage, as though she wanted to say something more, but thought better of it. He wondered what it was. 


	2. Chapter 2

‘So where is Phil again?” Dan asked, leaning over the counter on his elbows. He was standing at the checkout podium, which stood directly in the middle of the front half of the store. On either side were low shelves, only reaching about hip height, that contained things like tanks, cages, hamster or cat litter, aquarium gravel and decorations, animal foods and things like that. 

Martyn was stood in the middle of the podium, blocked from all four sides by the checkout counters. Dan’s elbows rested on the only part of counter that lifted up and allowed the person inside to walk out, so Martyn was essentially trapped. 

 

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” Martyn said, smiling mischievously. 

“Leave the poor man alone, Daniel,” Louise called from the right side of the store. She was restocking the fish food freezer with blood worms. 

He was on retrieval duty, getting pets out when customers wanted to purchase or interact with one, but it was ten in the morning on a Tuesday, and there were zero customers in the shop, so bothering Martyn was the next best thing to actually doing his job. 

 

Martyn was much more approachable than Phil was. He was a few years older than Phil, and much nerdier, but not in an unpleasant way. Just in a way where he liked what he liked and didn’t care what people thought about it. His hair was lighter than Phil’s, brownish reddish, which Dan had noted one day when he realized that Mr. and Mrs. Lester both had light hair as well. It led Dan to think that perhaps Phil dyed his, which seemed so un-Phil. It meant he cared how he looked, and he didn’t seem to care about much except making sure that the animals in the shop were well taken care of. Which Dan supposed was a pretty noble thing to care about, if you only had to choose one thing. 

 

‘I was just wondering,” Dan said, blowing his fringe out of his face. 

“Why, because you would have switched shifts if you had known he wasn’t going to be here?” Martyn asked, leaning back against the counter behind him. He pulled out a key and unlocked the cash register. He pulled out the drawer and started organizing the bills. Dan had just organized them this morning, but he didn’t say anything. If Martyn wanted something to do, he wouldn’t take that away from him. 

“I would not have,” Dan protested. He didn’t even believe himself. He heard Louise snort as she packed away containers of blood worms. 

“If you must know,” Martyn said, flipping up the clip on a stack of bills, “He’s off reserving a spot at an expo in London. It’s some fish thing, you know how he is. He wants to display some of his coral, see if he can get any new buyers.’ 

“Oh, right. Pretty big of him to take it on all by himself,” Dan noted. He couldn’t imagine Phil transporting all his coral, setting up a booth and managing all by himself. 

“Well, Martyn will probably go with him, won’t you, Martyn?” Louise asked. 

“What, and leave you lot to run the store? You two are our most experienced employees and you’re only nineteen. I can’t leave my livelihood to be run by a bunch of babies. It would be chaos,” Martyn said, shuddering at the thought. “I’ll come home and find that Louise has taken home every cat in the store to raise on her own-”

“Except Socks,” Louise interjected. 

‘Except Socks,” Martyn repeated, nodding as if to say of course not Socks, who would want him? “Then,” he continued, “Dan would take it upon himself to fire every single person who has ever looked at Phil for a little too long or like, smiled at him or something, and I would be understaffed.”

“I resent that,” Dan said, pouting. In all honesty, he loved Martyn. The guy was Phil’s brother, and practically his only friend, but he was completely aware of Dan’s crush and still didn’t tell Phil that Dan was absolutely gone for him.

“Yet you don’t deny it,” Martyn pointed out. 

‘Yikes,” he heard Louise mutter. 

“He’ll probably take one of you floor staff kids,” Martyn said. ‘You or Lou or Charlie, I reckon.”

 

Charlie was the only other person who had been working there as long as Louise and Dan had been. He had been in Dan’s english class the last year of school and had been looking for a job right around when Pet Castle was hiring. Dan had put in a good word for him, and he had been there ever since. 

 

He felt a tightness in his stomach at the aspect of Phil choosing Charlie or Louise over him to go to the expo. He didn’t particularly know much about coral, but he knew he would learn everything he could and use all he could to be the best expo partner Phil could ask for, if given the opportunity. 

 

As if reading his mind, he heard Louise sigh. “I’ll tell him no if he asks me,” Louise assured him. “Can you imagine me at a fish expo, anyway? I’d rather be eaten by a lion than go to that.” 

 

“That is a very specific alternative,” Martyn remarked, raising his eyebrows at Louise. 

“Well, it’s true.” Louise said, matter-of-factly. 

“Dan, if he doesn’t choose you, I’d be surprised. You’re one of the few people I have seen him tolerate,” Martyn said, rolling his eyes. 

“Yeah, alright,” Dan said, trying to sound nonchalant, but his stomach was doing backflips. Martyn knew Phil better than anyone, so he would take his word for it. He knew that tolerate was even less than like, and far below enjoy, but the fact that Martyn said Phil would tolerate Dan made him happy. God, how pathetic. 

///

At lunch that day, over burgers and sweet potato fries, Louise had brought the subject up again. 

“Dan?”

“Yeah?” 

“Even though you’re the most likely candidate for this whole fish expo business, don’t get your hopes up too high yet, yeah? I mean Phil hasn’t said a word about it to anyone but Martyn. I don’t think it was fair of him to say that Phil would bring one of us, because you will be on edge now until he says something about it, and you’ll be crushed if he takes like, Charlie, or someone. But I just don’t want you to get too excited about something you don’t even know is sure yet,” Louise said, taking a long sip of her drink when she was finished. 

Dan knew she was right. He even had a similar thought process today when he was reorganizing the aquarium gravel by color. He nodded, but said nothing. Part of him wanted to savor the opportunity he had to fantasize about it, even if nothing were to come of it. He wanted to imagine walking down the streets of London with Phil, eating dinner together, talking about things other than pet store stuff. He knew that in reality, it would probably be him and Phil sitting in silence in a room full of other aquatic life enthusiasts, speaking only when necessary. But it was more fun to think about the other stuff. 

“You’re gonna get excited about it anyways, aren’t you?” Louise said, nibbling on a fry. 

Dan smiled weakly. 

“You’re hopeless,” Louise sighed, shaking her head, but smiling at him sympathetically. 

“A boy can dream,” Dan huffed, taking a bit out of his burger. 

“Oh, I know, you are a professional dreamer, my dear,” Louise said, kicking Dan’s feet under the table. 

“I can’t help it.”

“I know you can’t.” Louise’s face was suddenly serious, every trace of joking fallen from her eyes. “It’s just.. it’s been so long, Dan. Sometimes, I think if something was going to happen, it would have by now. Don’t get me wrong, I love Pet Castle, I am glad you dragged me to those open interviews two years ago, but sometimes I worry you would waste your whole life away there if you thought you still had a chance with Phil. Not that it’s not a good job. But I would rather you stay there because you love the animals, not your boss.” 

In that moment, he both loved and hated Louise for looking out for him, for being a voice of reason for once, and most of all, for being right.

“I know, Lou. But I am still a kid. I know, legally, I’m not, but we’re only nineteen, what do we know? I’m going to let myself be stupid about this for a little bit longer. Partly because I still am stupidly hanging on hope that somehow, Phil will see me in a different light, and partly because if I don’t have this to work towards, I don’t know what else I have,” Dan said, his heart feeling heavy. “And I know you are going to say I don’t know him well enough to feel this way, but I really believe I love him. Or at least like him more than anyone else I’ve ever met. At least in that way. You are obviously my favorite human in every other aspect,” he added trying to lighten the mood. 

 

Sometimes, he wondered if Louise was so realistic about the whole Phil situation because she had been through something similar. And sometimes, he worried that he was the person she had gone through it for. In high school, everyone thought that they would end up together. At least until he met Phil, everyone thought Louise and Dan would end up married some day. They had even won the superlative for most likely to get married after graduation. He had always known that would never happen, but there were times when he thought maybe Louise thought it would. Now, he knew, she didn’t want that, but when they were younger, he was pretty sure it had crossed her mind. Sometimes he worried he had hurt her. One day, maybe he would ask. 

 

“I know I am, and you’re lucky to have me,” Louise said, chomping down on her burger and shooting a sunny smile his way. 

 

It was true. He didn’t know what he would do if Lou wasn’t around.

 


	3. Chapter 3

It was rare that Dan and Louise did not work the same shift, but that Friday night was one of those occasions. Normally, on Friday night, Louise would drag him to a pub or a club or the cinema, claiming if he didn’t get out, he would forget what it was like to be around people and he would only have enough social skills to associate with the animals he worked with. Given that Louise was working, Dan was able to spend his Friday night relaxing. He planned to spend the night playing video games and eating copious amounts of pizza, as any single nineteen year old man should. 

 

He was sat on the sofa in his flat, the now empty pizza box strewn out across the coffee table in front of him, where it would likely remain for the next few days. His flat wasn’t exactly tidy, but he didn’t mind. He was the only one who ever saw it, besides Louise, and though Louise complained, he knew she secretly envied him. She still lived with her parents, and there was nothing wrong with that, but when Dan had moved out of his parents house and into his own (albeit small) flat, Louise had become obsessed with moving out on her own. Dan had offered to live with her, but she insisted on living in her very own flat, as he was now. He figured she would change her mind once she saw how little space she could get for a lot of money and would warm up to the idea of living with Dan. He hoped to move somewhere else where there was room for a roommate when his lease was up here anyway. His flat consisted of three rooms (if you didn’t count the bathroom, which he didn’t because it wasn’t a real living space; it served its purpose, but it was small and was more like a glorified walk in closet than anything.) There was his bedroom, his kitchen, and his living room. It was small, but it was his and it would do. It felt smaller with all the clutter he allowed to accumulate, but every few weeks he cleared it out and made it look new again. This week was not one of those weeks. 

 

So he sat with the trash from his dinner in front of him, completely enthralled in the screen as he played Sonic. He supposed video games were the reason that he didn’t really have a social life outside of the one that Louise forced him to have. It was just so much easier to sit there and immulate a life through his game controller than actually go out and experience it first hand. Also, you know, there were the fantasy aspects that made these sorts of games a little bit more interesting than everyday life. Not often in life did he get to pretend to be a blue hedgehog. 

 

He was more than surprised when a knock came at the door. He glanced at the clock on his cable box. 7:47PM, Louise wouldn’t be off work for another two hours and thirteen minutes, and even then she would likely be too tired to come by. He furrowed his brow as he paused his game. Would his mother be stopping by? She would have called him first. The person he found standing at his door was by far the last person he expected to see. 

 

“Dan. Hi,” Phil said, standing in the hallway, giving Dan a once over. Dan suddenly became very aware that he hadn’t gotten dressed all day and probably looked a mess, standing there in his pajamas with mad bedhead. “Is it a bad time?” Phil asked, raising an eyebrow. 

“No, no, just… you know day off, lazing around, playing some video games,” Dan said, standing awkwardly in the door. They had been standing there too long now, and Dan blushed upon the realization that Phil probably wanted him to invite him in. “Come in,” he offered. “The place is a bit of a mess, I wasn’t expecting company.”

“It’s fine,” Phil said, following Dan into the flat and closing the door behind him. Dan frantically cleared the coffee table of his trash and hurried to the bin in the kitchen. He returned to see Phil running his finger along the game cases poised in the shelves under his TV. “Sonic is a good game. I like it quite a lot actually,” he said, as though his presence in Dan’s apartment was completely normal. 

“Never took you for much of a video game person,” Dan said, trying to remain calm. He tugged at his fringe, which was slightly curly from sleep, hoping that maybe he would be able to make it presentable. 

“Never asked, have you?” Phil said, smiling. 

“I guess I haven’t,” Dan answered. He couldn’t help but think it was an odd thing to say. Of course, he had never asked, Phil had never really given him the opportunity to talk to him about things other than work. 

 

Phil didn’t seem to be planning on telling Dan why he was there anytime soon, so Dan took it upon himself to ask. 

 

“So, what’s up?” he asked, trying to sound as normal as possible, like it wasn’t totally weird to have his boss standing in his living room while he was wearing his pajamas. 

“Oh, right, probably should explain that,” Phil said. “Forgot this was a bit weird, huh?”

“I didn’t know you even knew where I lived,” Dan admitted. 

“Well, we, uh, you know, keep your address in your employee file,” Phil explained, scratching his head and smiling a bit uncomfortably. 

‘Right,” Dan nodded. That made enough sense, he supposed. 

‘Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about something in private, and I wanted to ask you about it before the other employees caught wind of it.”

Dan’s heart leapt to his throat. He didn’t know what this meant, but it couldn’t be good. Had he done something wrong? Was he about to be fired? Surely, Phil wouldn’t come to his house to fire him.

“You are a very promising employee. I think you have a lot of potential in the business,” Phil began. 

Dan relaxed. So maybe it was something good. 

“And there is an expo coming up, a fish expo in London, and I need someone to come along with me. Martyn needs to, you know, man the store, and he doesn’t particularly care that much about fish, so he would be miserable anyway. And well, I know we probably could do better with recognizing employees that do well as a company, but I just wanted to let you know that you are probably our best employee, like if we did employee of the month, you would have won it every month for the last two years, but we don’t, so, uh, you haven’t,” Phil paused to catch his breath. “Sorry, I am rambling. Let me get to the point.”

 

Dan could only nod in response. He was stunned. This was the most he had ever heard Phil speak at once.

“Anyway, what I meant to say is I wanted to invite you to accompany me to the expo as like.. a thank you for all your hard work and the time you have contributed to the betterment of the company. Well, that, and if I had to choose someone from the store other than Martyn to spend a lot of time with, it would be you, so um, you’re my first choice. If you don’t want to go, that’s fine, I can ask Charlie or Lou, but um, it’s all expenses paid, like food and room and stuff-” 

 

“Phil-” Dan cut in, only for Phil to run him over with his words.

 

“The expo is about five days long, but we don’t have to spend the whole day there for all five days, we could go around London. Or you could, you don’t have to hang out with me the whole time. Unless you wa-” 

 

“Phil, I’ll go,” Dan interjected again. 

 

“nt, but I understand if you don- Wait what did you say?” Phil said, his eyes widening with what seemed like genuine surprise. 

“I said I would go,” Dan repeated. “I don’t know why you would think I wouldn’t.” 

 

“I just thought, you know, five days is a lot of time to give up,” Phil said with a shrug. 

 

“I’d only be at the shop anyway,” Dan said, trying to ignore the fact that his heart was beating a million miles a minute. Phil had said he would choose him to spend a lot of time with. He had insinuated that he wanted to hang out with Dan in London, or at least Dan thought he had. He had said more than ten words in a row. This was a different Phil than Dan had ever experienced. He seemed nervous, more approachable. He seemed more like a real person than the man Dan was used to, the man with the too cool for school persona. Maybe this was closer to the real Phil. He was much more like the Phil he had seen after the pump room incident, talkative, friendly. Like he had his guard down. Dan decided he liked him better this way. 

“When is it?” Dan asked. 

“Starts Monday. We’ll leave Sunday night though,” Phil said. 

“Well, then, I guess I have packing to do,” he said, more for something to say than really meaning it. He knew he wouldn’t pack until the last minute, but Phil didn’t have to know that. 

“Make sure to bring a bunch of company shirts. To wear them when we’re at the expo, you know. You can wear whatever you want outside the expo” Phil explained. 

“Alright,” Dan nodded. 

“Do you work this weekend?” Phil asked. 

 

Dan furrowed his brow. Phil would know. He made the schedules. It almost felt like Phil was looking for reasons to carry the conversation further. 

“Not that I saw,” Dan said, trying not to sound weirded out. 

“No, right, I knew that,” Phil said shaking his head. “Well, rest up. We have a long week ahead of us.” 

“Right,” Dan said.

“I’ll pick you up around eight on Sunday night. We’re going to have to drive there rather than take the train. You know, with the coral and equipment and all,” Phil said, making his way towards the door. 

“Right, yeah, makes sense,” Dan agreed. 

“So. See you then,” Phil said. “Guess I’ll be going.”

“Yeah, goodnight. Thanks for thinking of me for this job,” Dan said, realizing he hadn’t thanked Phil. It was a good opportunity to make connections in the pet business. Not that he planned to be in the pet business forever, but he guessed connections wouldn’t hurt. He opened the door for Phil. “See you Sunday.”

“Night,” Phil waved as he walked down the hall. 

 

Dan closed the door, immediately letting out a huge breath and leaning against it, in shock, He pulled out his phone and opened his text conversation with Louise. 

 

Dan: Phil Lester was just in my HOUSE. 

Dan: I was in my FUCKING PAJAMAS

Dan: And He JUST SHOWS UP

Dan: What the hell.

 

Louise responded moments later. It must have been slow at the moment. 

 

Lou: I TAKE MY BREAK IN FIFTEEN MINUTES I AM CALLING YOU. 

Lou: YOU BETTER BE READY TO SPILL

 

Fifteen minutes later on the dot, Louise’s name lit up Dan’s phone. 

“IN YOUR HOUSE??” Louise yelled before Dan was even able to mutter a greeting. 

“He wanted to talk to me in private,” Dan explained. 

“ABOUT?”

“Taking me to the expo. He said I was, and I quote, the only person other than Martyn he wouldn’t mind spending an excessive amount of time with and that I would win employee of the month every month if they awarded it,” Dan said, feeling like a bit of an ass for repeating it, but it made him happy. It meant that Phil at least liked him a little bit as a person.  

“So he came round your house to invite you on what is essentially a week’s vacation in London? I am hoping that you said yes,” Louise said, her voice hushed. He realized she was probably in the break room and no doubt Martyn was near by. 

“All expenses paid, too,” Dan added. “Food and everything he said.”

‘If this wasn’t Phil and it wasn’t for a business trip, I’d say it almost sounded like a date,” Louise said.

“Yeah,’ Dan said, the excited bubbles in his stomach settling at her words. He had been excited that Phil had chosen him, but he had neglected to remember what this was all about: Business. Dan was the best choice from a business perspective. Nothing else. He needed to remember that. 

“What I don’t understand,” Louise continued, oblivious to how her words had affected Dan in that moment, “is why he just didn't has you at the store. Why did he take time out of his day, his Friday night off, to come to your house and ask you?” 

“Well,” Dan began trying to think logically rather than hopefully, “ I don’t work tomorrow or Sunday and we are leaving Sunday night, so he wouldn’t see me between then and now.”

“So he could call you.”

“But he didn’t. I can’t give you a reason, Lou, you know just as much as I do,”Dan said, sighing. Part of him wished Louise hadn’t called to make him think about this situation like it was real. He supposed it was, and he would be forced to address it as such in a little bit under forty eight hours, but in the meantime, perhaps it would have been better to treat it as an odd dream. A few of the things Phil had said had made him think,. or maybe just hope, that it was the person Dan was that made him want to bring him to London, but the more he thought about it, maybe it was just because he would look good. He was a fast learner, good with customers and pretending he knew what he was talking about. Phil knew that, he had to, having been Dan’s boss for as long as he had. That is why he chose him. He supposed that was a compliment, but it wasn’t one that he really wanted in that moment. 

 

“Yeah. I don’t know it just doesn’t seem much like a Phil Lester move, you- Is my break up?” Louise cut herself off. 

Dan heard Martyn’s voice, far away, most likely standing in the doorway of the break room.

“Yep. Now stop gossiping about my brother with Dan and go out there on the floor. Someone wants a cat and it’s my break,“ Martyn said. 

“I’m not- How do you even know if I’m talking to Dan?” Louise asked. 

“I just know,” Martyn said. “Can I talk to him?”

“What? No? Use your own phone. Dan, I gotta go see a man about a cat,” Louise said. Dan could hear a smile in her voice. 

“Go for it. Why does Martyn want to talk to me?”

“I have no idea why Martyn wants to talk to you,” Louise said, the slight acid in her voice making him feel as though she was talking more to Martyn than she was him.  He could imagine then look she was giving Martyn at the moment. “Why don’t you call him and ask? Or MAYBE he can call you on his OWN PHONE.”

With that, the line went dead. 

 

Dan sighed. He was going to play Sonic and try not to think about it. It was the only thing he could think to do. 

Moments later, his phone began to ring once more, this time displaying the name “Pet Castle” but he knew it was Martyn. Part of him wondered why Martyn didn’t just use his personal phone, but he figured the business phone was just more convenient. 

 

“Hello,” Dan asked sounding less than enthusiastic. 

“Hey, Dan,” Martyn said sunnily. 

“What’s up?” 

“I am guessing Phil talked to you about London then?” Martyn asked. 

“Yep, I’m going with him.”   
“Good, he was worried you wouldn’t want to.”

“I don’t understand why that is,” Dan said, shutting off his TV. He had a feeling it would be a while before he was free to play again. 

“That may have been my fault,” Martyn admitted. 

“Why’s that?” Dan asked, suddenly intrigued. 

“Well, I thought I was protecting you really. I said that maybe you wouldn’t be so keen on sharing a hotel room with him for five days, you bein’ in love with him and all. Only, I didn’t say that exactly, I just said that maybe you would feel weird about sharing a room with your boss,” Martyn finished. 

Dan swallowed. Phil hadn’t said anything about sharing a hotel room. 

‘Sharing?” Dan asked. 

“We’re a mom and pop pet shop, we can’t afford to put up two rooms in London. A two bed room, but one room none the less. Can you handle that?”Martyn asked, lowering his voice. 

“I’m a grown-up, Martyn, I can handle sharing a room with someone no matter how I feel about them,” Dan spat. 

“I know you can handle yourself, but I just wanted to make sure. I’ve known you since you were fifteen, Dan, and you’ve had a thing for him the entire time. I’d understand if it was a bit much,” Martyn continued. 

“It will be fine, Martyn,” Dan reiterated. He felt like he was convincing, but to be honest, he wasn’t sure if he believed himself. 

“I just wanted to make sure,” Martyn said. 

“Yeah,” Dan said, looking down at his feet where they rested on his coffee table, trying to anchor himself. What had he gotten himself into? 

“If it makes you feel any better, he doesn’t know,” Martyn said, softly. 

God, that made Dan so relieved, but also made him feel like a preteen talking about a dumb schoolboy crush. 

“How could he not?” 

“I don’t know,” Martyn said, as though he was also surprised. “But I know he doesn’t know. So just act normal when you’re in London alright?” 

“I will,” Dan answered, letting out a sigh. He would do his best to, at least. Martyn hung up without saying goodbye.

 

///

 

He couldn’t focus. He couldn’t sleep. Dan guessed he was glad that Martyn had told him and that the whole thing hadn’t sprung up on him when he got there. But now he couldn’t stop thinking about it. 

 

He would be sleeping in the same room as Phil Lester. He would be getting dressed and ready in the same room as Phil Lester. He would potentially be spending over one hundred and twenty consecutive hours with Phil fucking Lester. He wasn’t sure what to think or to expect. 

 

In any other situation, he thought , this would have been a dream come true. Who wouldn’t want to spend this much alone time with the person they had been crushing on for as long as he could remember feeling crush type feelings for other people? He didn’t know why he wasn’t excited. 

 

Maybe it was because he already knew nothing he could hope for would come of it. And maybe it was because he hated himself for getting his hopes of despite logic and reason. He had been lying in bed now trying to fall asleep for nearly four hours. Before that, he had marathoned a bunch of episodes of The X-Files that he had already seen before. He didn’t remember which ones he had watched. He wasn’t even sure how many he had watched. He wasn’t paying attention. 

 

It was about three in the morning now, he was sure of that. It was pretty much the only thing he was sure of at this point. He needed to sleep if he didn’t want to be miserable on the ride with Phil Sunday night. It would be about three and a half hours cooped up in the company van, and based on Phil’s characteristic stoney silence that seemed to be his norm 98% of the time, he didn’t expect the ride to be exactly exciting. He didn’t even expect it to be pleasant. 

 

He got out of bed, tired of waiting for sleep to come when it seemed like it never would. He rummaged through his medicine cabinet and pulled out the bottle of melatonin melts his mother had given him the week he graduated from school and couldn’t sleep because he was so worried about what lay ahead. He was pretty sure he hadn’t touched them since, but in this moment, he was glad that he had saved them. He put one on his tongue, the hairs on his arms raising at the horrid, chalky grape taste. Then it was just a waiting game. He spotted a bath bomb on his counter, one that Louise had bought him the other day, even though he rarely took baths. He knew Louise was just being sweet, so he hadn’t reminded her of that. He figured better now than never. It was a purple bath bomb with little stars and a moon on the top. He didn’t know what it was called, but he supposed it smelt nice. He ran a bath, briefly thinking he hoped he didn’t fall asleep in it and drown. He doubted sleep would come anytime soon, he would probably get too hot in the water before he was ready to sleep.

He dropped the bath bomb into the water, watching is fizz as it rolled across the water. He couldn’t help but be reminded of the bath tokens in the movie Spirited Away. Sure, those didn’t fizz, but he was sure this was the closest he would get to those in real life, or at least in his own home. Sinking into the pink tinged water, he decided this was something he could enjoy on a semi regular basis. He closed his eyes and tried to clear his mind. The warm water and the melatonin combined lulled him into a more relaxed state, which he clung onto until the water was merely lukewarm. 

He reluctantly let the water from the tub and and dried off. He made his way back to his bedroom, dripping water on the hallway carpet despite having a towel. He was too zen to care in the moment. He dried off as best he could, though his hair was still pretty wet, and pulled on a clean pair of boxers. He fell into bed, breathing in the smell of the bath bomb that still clung to his skin and drifted off into a dreamless sleep. 


	4. Chapter 4

Dan woke with a start. The first thing that he noticed was that his room was bright, but not with the clear, white light of the sun outside, but rather the yellowy, dull light of his ceiling fan. The second thing that struck him was that he had no idea how long he had slept. From what he could see outside, the light was either the purple beginnings of dawn or twilight. He searched for his phone, but saw it nowhere. It was not in it’s rightful place on his bedside table, where he plugged it in every night, so that probably meant that it was out of juice right now. That mean he would have to go look at the stove to figure out the time. He should really invest in an alarm clock. 

He got out of bed, pushing his hair from his face and rubbing the sleep from his eyes. He nearly tripped over the damp towel he had left on the floor the night before. He picked it up and dragged it with him to the bathroom. There, he hung it up and relieved himself. He found his phone in the bathroom as well, sitting on the edge of the now empty tub. The smell of last night’s bath still hung in the air, reminding him he had no idea how much time had passed between that bath and the current moment. He touched the home button on his phone, but was met not with a clock but with the flashing low battery symbol. He sighed and carried it back to his bedroom, plugging it in. He left it to charge on his bed and left to check the clock in the kitchen and maybe make a cup of coffee. 

 

He was slightly surprised at the time the clock displayed on the stove. It was, apparently, almost six in the evening, meaning he had slept for quite sometime. He didn’t feel like he had. He set up his coffee maker, realizing how chilly it had become in his apartment over night. He shivered as he punched the brew button, then, once the water started dripping into the pot as it should, hurried back to his room to get a sweatshirt. He pulled it over his head, feeling rather silly in just a sweatshirt and his boxers, but his only pajama pants were in a clump on the bathroom floor damp from when Dan has dripped all over them on his exit last night. He sat on the bed, enjoying the smell of coffee brewing wafting into his room. He check his phone. He had five texts from Louise and two missed calls from Phil’s personal number. There was one voicemail. Phil had never texted him, so he wasn’t surprised that he didn’t try then. He opened Louise’s messages first. 

 

9AM

Lou: Hey, what are you doing today, my lovely Daniel?

10AM:

Lou: Dan, are you alive??

12PM 

Lou: If you are sleeping in this late, I swear, you are a useless member of society. 

3PM

Lou: Phil just called me asking if I had heard from you? Are you ok?

5PM

Lou: If I don’t hear from you soon, I am coming over there. 

 

He hurriedly tapped out a message to Louise. 

 

Dan: Lou, I’m up, I couldn’t sleep last night so I slept late today, I am ok. What did Phil need me for? Someone bail on a shift?

 

He moved on  to the voicemail from Phil. He typed in the passcode and held the phone to his ear. 

 

“Hey, Dan, just wondering if you wanted to get together for dinner or coffee tonight so I can discuss the game plan for the expo and also familiarize you with the coral we will be bringing with us. Call me back when you can. It’s Phil, but the way.” 

 

Shit. He unplugged the charger and let it trail behind him on his way to the kitchen. He plugged it into the wall there and called Phil, putting it on speaker phone as he prepared his coffee. 

 

He was surprised to hear a ringtone blare from somewhere out in the hall outside his flat. He left his phone on the counter, tentatively walking towards his front door. He cracked it open to see Louise and Phil stood in the hallway,both looking at the phone with Dan’s name flashing across the op as though they had no idea what to do with it. 

 

“Does he know we’re coming?” he heard Phil ask Louise. 

“Well, I told him if he didn’t answer soon that I would show up here,” Louise answered. “But he said he just woke up so probably not.” 

“Answer it?” Phil whispered, holding out the phone to Louise.

“Why would I answer your phone when he called you, Phil, that would be weird, you answer it,” Louise said, pushing Phil’s hand back towards his chest. 

 

“Guys,” Dan said, opening his door completely. “What are you doing?” 

“Dan!” Louise answered, jumping at his presence. “You really need to stop answering the door in your pants.”

“Wasn’t expecting company was I?”

“Suppose not,” Louise shrugged. 

“So what do you need then?” Dan asked, walking back into the apartment, leaving the door open for the other two to follow him. Phil still had not said a word to him. He looked almost embarrassed. Dan tugged down at his sweatshirt so it covered most of his pants, but then realized that probably looked worse, because it would appear that he had no pants on at all. 

“Well, I maybe convinced myself that you had died peacefully in your sleep and then when Phil called me asking if I had heard from you, that kind of confirmed my fear, so i asked Phil to come with me to make sure you weren’t rotting away in your bed.” Louise explained, sheepishly. “You know how I worry.”

“That I do,” Dan nodded. “Coffee?” he offered holding up the pot to the other two. 

“Sure,” Louise nodded. 

“Please,” Phil muttered, not making eye contact with him. 

He poured three cups and went to the fridge and pulled out the half and half, pouring some in his own cup. then some in what he decided would be Louise’s cup, then looked up and Phil quizzically. “Cream?” he asked. 

Phil nodded. “A little bit.”

Dan let some of the liquid splash into the cup then closed the carton. 

He put the carton back in the fridge. “Will you get the sugar, Lou?” he asked. Louise nodded, navigating the kitchen as though it was her own. She put two spoonfuls in her own, one in Dan’s then placed the container and unsugared cup on the counter in front of Phil. “Go crazy,” she said, fishing out a spoon to stir with.

“So, besides fearing my untimely surmise, what else is up?” Dan asked. He realized how strange this situation was once more, that for the second time in two days, Phil was in his apartment while he was in some state of undress. At least this time Louise was here to make it a little less weird. Or maybe it was more weird. Dan wasn’t sure. 

 

“Well,” Louise began, casting a sideways glance towards Phil that Dan wasn’t sure how to interpret. It was weird, Dan could usually read Louise like a book, but right now, he had no idea what she was thinking. “I know Phil needed to talk to you about the expo. He had suggested coffee, but we already have that,” she said, holding up her own mug as proof. “So maybe you boys should go grab some dinner.”

‘Yeah, alright,” Dan agreed, looking to Phil for further direction. 

“You’re up for that?” Phil asked between sips of coffee. 

‘Yeah, I just have to get dressed,” Dan said, blushing when he remembered the state he was in. This was like a completely inappropriate business meeting. 

Louise smiled at them both, then crossed the room, hugging Dan. “I’m glad you aren’t dead,” she said into his chest. 

“I’m glad I’m not either?” Dan said, rolling his eyes at Phil, wrapping his arms around Louise, running his fingers through her hair idly.   
“You smell like a Lush,” Louise said, muffled by his chest. 

“Oh, I used the bath bomb you gave me last night,” Dan said, making a face at Phil as if to say it wasn’t something that he did often. 

Phil looked away, focusing on his coffee cup. 

He gave Louise one more squeeze before pulling away. “Just give me a moment,” he said to Phil, hurrying to the bedroom.  

 

He tore through his clothes, trying to decide what to wear. Black skinny jeans were a given, but the shirt was the most difficult thing to choose. He didn’t want to look like he was trying to hard, but he thought maybe he should wear a button up just because he had noticed Phil was wearing one. It was rare that Phil wore something other than a company t-shirt, but he looked good in anything, so it didn’t really matter. 

He decided against it, pulling on a black jumper with little metal studs on the shoulder instead. It was getting kind of chilly out, so he figured it was his best bet. He pulled on his shoes and hurried to his bathroom to try to sort out his hair. He plugged in the straightener, and as he waited for it to heat up, he noticed Phil and Louise’s hushed voices filtering through the door. 

 

“No, no,. no,” he heard Louise say in a low tone, accompanied by a chuckle. “We aren’t… Like that at all.”

“I just thought maybe, you know,” Phil said. “I’ve never asked because it isn’t my business, but.. the curiosity was killing me, so I had to.”

“It’s fine, but no me and Dan are like siblings. it would be weird,” Louise said. “But I could see why you would think that-”

 

Dan’s stomach felt fluttery. Had Phil asked if they were dating? Part of him wanted to say that was a normal thing to ask, especially with how close Dan and Louise were, but another part of him couldn’t help but think that maybe he just wanted to know if Dan was single. As if on cue, he heard Phil ask another question. 

“So he’s single?” Phil asked. 

“Yeah, why?” Louise answered. he could hear the look on her face in her voice. She had on eyebrow raised and her lips were pursed most likely. That was the face that she made when she was suspicious of something. 

“No reason,” Phil answered, coolly. “Just feel like I have known him for so long but know so little about him. Like, I’ve known him forever, but all I really know about him is that he’s close with you and he likes working at the shop. Or at least I think he does. I kind of feel like a shitty boss not actually knowing him.” 

 

Dan took his time straightening his hair. He tried to focus on making sure that he got every single wave out of his hair. He tried to push every single thought that he had pertaining to what Phil had just said out of his mind. He knew that Phil was making completely innocent inquiries about his employee. Hell, he was just trying to be a better, more involved boss. But Dan couldn’t help but hope maybe Phil was seeing him in a different light. Dan hated his brain for even suggesting something like that, but he couldn’t seem to suppress the thought. It seemed only natural for his mind to travel there. 

 

He jumped when he looked behind him in the mirror and saw Louise standing there. 

“Shit, I thought you were a blonde version of the girl from The Ring for a second.” 

Louise scowled at him. 

“You’re much prettier than her though, obviously,” Dan adding hoping that Lou did not kill him on the spot for saying that first bit. 

Her face immediately lit up with a smile. “That’s better,” she said. “I think I am going to hit the road.” 

“Oh, ok,” Dan said. 

“Could you hear us?” she asked pitching her voice lower. 

“Yeah,” Dan answered, focusing back on his own image in the mirror. He wasn’t sure he wanted to talk about it. He wasn’t sure that he wanted to hear Louise tell him not to think too much of it because she didn’t want him to read far into it and then get hurt when nothing came of it. He just didn’t want to fucking hear it out of her mouth, out loud in the open. He already heard it in his own head. 

“Weird, huh?” Louise said. 

Dan was surprised. He looked at the girl behind him, squinting in confusion. 

“I mean, you know, I am the queen of trying to protect you from your own feelings,” she said, pausing to stick her tongue out at him when he rolled his eyes. “But I mean, why you? Notice he didn’t say he felt bad that he didn’t know me or Charlie, or any of the younger kids. Just you. I don’t know, Dan. Maybe you’re allowed to get your hopes up this time.”

Dan just stared at her in the mirror. He really hoped her voice was low enough for Phil not to hear. He also hoped she was right, because he didn’t think he could stop himself from hoping at this point. 

“Better move that iron if you want to keep that hair,” Louise pointed out, and Dan realized he had stopped his hand mid-lock while he was thinking. He finished pulling that last bit of hair through before unplugging the straightener. 

“I don’t know, Louise.,” Dan said, almost defeated. He felt like they have had conversations like this a million times before but with their roles reversed, Dan the hopeful and Louise the killjoy. 

“Well, I am going to go,” Louise said, squeezing Dan’s shoulder. “Don’t forget to brush your teeth. Also text me when you get home tonight, love.” 

“K, Mum,” Dan said, his voice laden with sarcasm, but he knew she knew he appreciated her nonetheless. 

“Love you lots,” Louise said before leaving the bathroom. 

“Lol,” Dan replied. 

“You’re never going to actually say it are you?” Louise asked. 

“Emotions are hard,” Dan said, putting toothpaste on his toothbrush. He did love Louise. She was the person who knew him best on the planet, his rock, his best friend, but sometimes that was hard to say. She understood that it was hard for him, but sometimes she still tried to get him to say it. 

“One day, Howell. One day, I’ll get you to say it,” she declared before leaving the room. 

“Bye, Phil. Have fun in London. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do and bring Dan back in one piece, I’m not quite finished annoying him,” Dan heard Louise say on her way out the door. 

“Bye, Lou, see you soon,” Phil responded. 

 

Dan heard the door click shut and realized that meant that he and Phil were once more alone in his flat. He felt a blush rise to his cheeks. All of this felt so different from the interactions with Phil that he was used to. He wasn’t quite sure how to handle it, but he would have to figure out; he would be spending a lot of time alone with Phil in the upcoming week. He could look at this as a test run. 

Dan looked over himself once more in the mirror before heading out to see Phil in the kitchen. 

“Ready,” Dan said, walking out to find Phil completely lost in something on his phone screen. 

Phil looked up, his eyes widening immediately. “Oh, um. I- “ Phil let out a puff of breath that almost sounded like a wow, but Dan thought he must be mistaken. “Where do you-um- where do you want to go go?” Phil asked. 

“Where ever you would like to,” Dan said, unplugging his phone and putting it in his pocket with his wallet. 

“Do you like sushi?” Phil asked, standing up a bit straighter. 

‘Love it,” Dan said smiling. 

“I know a place?” Phil said, as though he was asking if it was ok.

“Take me to it, then,” Dan said, walking to the front door and opening it, gesturing for Phil to lead the way.  

‘Right,” Phil said, and began walking, waiting for Dan to close and lock the door to his flat. 

“My car is just out in the car park, so I can drive if you like,” Phil offered. 

“that would be good,” Dan said. “I am a public transport boy myself, so if I am in charge of getting there, we are taking the bus,” he added. 

“Right, you don’t have a car, I knew that,” Phil said. 

Dan had expected to see the company van out in the car park as that was the only car he had ever really seen Phil drive, at least to the shop. Instead, he found that Phil was walking up to a white mini cooper, which was not something expected Phil to drive at all. He always thought he was more of a pickup truck or SUV kind of guy. But it beeped when Phil pressed the button on his key fob so it had to be the one. 

There was something so surreal about being in a car by himself with Phil. If it had been the company van, it would have been different. It would have smelled of cats and dogs and fish and all the other animals that had been carted around in it. The seats would have been worn and the engine would have been a whole lot louder. It would have felt more normal. But this was Phil’s personal car, so it smelt of leather and just a hint of what Dan identified as either cologne or shower gel. They were sat a lot closer than they would have been in the van. Dan’s arm brushed up against Phil as they both rested their inner arms in the middle console, but Phil pulled away just seconds after they made contact. Dan was sure Phil hadn’t even noticed, had just pulled away by reflex.

Phil started up the car without a word, the music blaring through the speakers as soon as the radio had power. 

It was an old song, one of those bubbly surf ones that were popular in the 1960s and always talked about how great California was. 

 

_ Wouldn't it be nice if we could wake up In the morning when the day is new And after having spent the day together Hold each other close the whole night through _

 

Dan turned to Phil and wrinkled his nose. 

“Sorry, loud, I know,” Phil said, reaching for the volume dial and turning it down. 

“ _ You  _ listen to _ this? _ You?  _ THIS _ ?” Dan said, pointing at the radio. 

“Hey, shut up,” Phil said, defensively. ‘This is the Beach Boys, they’re great, plus this album is one of the most influential pop albums of all time. It’s called Pet Sounds. Did you know that the Beatles once said that if there was no Pet Sounds, they never would have written Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Heart’s Club? Like this is a big deal.”

“If you say so,’ Dan said, shaking his head. It wasn’t bad, it just wasn’t Phil. Not the Phil he knew, or imagined, rather. 

“Well, to be honest, I think my dad fancied himself a surfer at some point, though he’s never surfed ever. He wanted to move to California, to a place called Huntington Beach. Guess that’s like surf city, USA or something.  He used to play this album all the time when I was a kid. When we opened the shop, I wanted to name it Pet Sounds, but you know, copyrighted all that. But, I don’t know. This album reminds me a lot of when we opened the shop and it just makes me happy,” Phil finished with a shrug. 

Dan didn’t know what to say. It was like suddenly Phil was a real person with three dimensional feelings and he didn't know how to deal with it. 

“And like i realize that the lyrics are kinda shitty and pretty heteronormative and that the melodies are pretty simple and didn’t require much thought, but you could say the same thing about the Beatles, and their music is heralded as some of the best of all time,” Phil continued. 

“Not really a fan of the Beatles myself,” Dan responded, unsure of what to say. 

“Me neither. I guess what I like about the Beach Boys is that the make me feel nostalgic. For what, I’m not sure, because I’ve never touched a surfboard and I’m terrified of the sea,” Phil added with a little smile. He turned to look behind him as he backed out of the parking space. 

“So, it’s true?” Dan asked. “You really are scared of the sea? What of, because it’s not the fish.” 

“Not knowing. You know when it gets deep enough for you not to see the bottom? That’s it. That’s what scares me. Not knowing what's under me. But at the same time, finding out what's beneath me is also scary. All of it is scary.” 

Dan just nodded. 

“You think I’m so lame right now, don’t you?” Phil asked, keeping his eyes on the road. 

“No, not at all,” Dan said, with a laugh. “I was just thinking that this is one of the first times you’ve ever seemed like a real person. Like woah, Phil has thoughts and feelings and this is weird for me.” 

“Oi, it's not like I act like a robot normally,” he said, smiling as he stole a glance towards Dan. 

Dan just raised his eyebrows. 

“Ok, maybe I do a little bit,” Phil admitted, taking a left. “I’m not very good at, like, being a person.” 

“I’m sure you'd do just fine at being a normal person if you didn't think about it too much,” Dan said. “Like probably the first thing I would do is stop saying you're not good at it because that’s putting that idea out into the world. Start saying you are good at it.” 

Dan cringed internally. What the fuck was he saying?

“Do you know how pretentious you sound right now,or is this just how you are normally?” Phil asked

“Oh no, I know,” Dan assured him. 

A new song filtered through the speakers, the plinky plonky piano-y sounds characteristic of sixties surf music accompanied by a horn and a tambourine. 

“This,” Phil said, pointing to the radio control panel, “is my favorite song by them, perhaps of all time, so I am going to turn it off now.” He turned the volume all the way down to zero. 

“Um,” Dan began, not quite following his logic, “if it's your favorite, why are we turning it off?”

“Because I hate being in the same room as someone when they experience something I love because I am worried they won't react to it the same way I do. It's like when you show someone a movie you love and they just don't get as into it as you do,” Phil explained, turning down another road. Dan took the moment to realize he had no idea where they were going. He never did have a great sense of direction though. 

“I hate that feeling,” Dan agreed. That was a shitty feeling, and to be honest, he wasn't sure he would like the song as much as Phil did, oldie surf music wasn't his thing, and he didn't want to bum him out. 

“If you do listen to it, let me know though. God Only Knows by the Beach Boys. You’ll probably recognize it, everyone knows it. It's off Pet Sounds, but it's on every Beach Boys anthology to ever exist,” Phil said. He held his phone to Dan. “It’s blue tooth. Just pick something else to listen to. Code is 1981 .” 

“Like your locker,” Dan said, tapping in the code. “What’s the significance of that number anyway?” Dan asked, scrolling through the artists on Phil’s phone, deciding finally to put Green Day on shuffle. 

“Good choice,” Phil said as the music started up. “Um, the code is kind of Buffy Summer’s birthday..” 

“Buffy as in the vampire slayer as in the 90s television classic?” Dan asked, noting that they were turning into a car park now. 

“Yeah,” Phil said, smiling almost apologetically. 

“Oh my god, you fucking nerd,” Dan said, laughing. 

“Shut up,” Phil whined, giving Dan a look of mock insult. “There was a time in my life where I thought Buffy and I were destined to be together despite her being fictional and me being like ten years old. Part of me is still holding on hope.”

“Well, Buffy is pretty fit,” Dan agreed, but inwardly chastised himself for feeling slightly jealous of a fictional ass person. He couldn't believe an actual thought he had just had was that Sarah Michelle Gellar was next level hot and he couldn't compete. It didn't matter if he couldn't compete. Phil was his boss, and he was just a kid, Phil didn't see him that way. 

“We’re here,” Phil said, parking. Dan handed him back his cellphone, think briefly for a moment that he could officially hack his boss’s phone AND break into his locker if he wanted to. That was real trust. Unless he changed his codes and combinations the moment they got home. 

 

Phil was out of the car quicker than Dan could even unbuckle his seatbelt, and the next thing he knew, Phil was opening the door for him to get out. 

_ Weird _ , he thought, but smiled at the other man nonetheless as he exited the car. 

 

The sushi place Phil had chosen was a small one, a mum and pop type place, family run,  like Pet Castle was. Perhaps that is why Phil chose it, Dan realized. Mum and pop businesses had to support each other in a big corporate world. Phil opened the door ahead of Dan and held it for him. 

 

“Phil!” An older man at the front desk’s face lit up upon seeing Phil enter. “How are you?” 

“I’m great, Adam,” Phil said, letting the door fall closed behind him. 

“No Martyn tonight?” the man, apparently Adam, asked. 

“No, no Martyn. He’s at the shop,” Phil smiled. 

“So just the two of you?” 

“Yes, just us,” Phil nodded. 

Dan felt Adam give him a once over, not as though he was checking him out, but as though he was judging his worth or his character. It made him uneasy, like he was up on trial. Dan rocked back and forth from foot to foot. 

“Right this way,” Adam said, letting his gaze fall from Dan, picking up two menus and leading them into the main dining room. It was small, only about ten tables, and it was rather dark. 

Adam immediately returned with a teapot full of green tea and to plates of cucumber salad. “I’ll be back in a few minutes to take your order.” 

“Thank you,” Phil said, turning over the teacup next to his place settings. “Would you like any?” he asked, turning to Dan. 

“Yes, please,” Dan said, turning his own cup over. Phil poured tea into his cup, then poured some in his own. 

“What kind of sushi do you like, Dan?” Phil said, sipping at his tea while flipping through the menu.

“Anything, really,” Dan answered. “Sashimi, spicy tuna, eel, you name it, I probably like it.” 

Phil shuddered. “I can’t do just the raw slabs of fish, those freak me out,” he said. 

“It’s not so bad in moderation. Like I can’t eat a bunch or the texture starts to freak me out, but I like three or four pieces,” Dan said, shrugging. 

“I don’t know, it looks too close to the guys we have in the shop. I guess I just need it to be disguised a little bit,” Phil admitted. 

It dawned on Dan that it was somewhat ironic that someone whose passion was tropical, living fish, would also enjoy eating raw fish. 

Adam returned and they both made their orders, Dan getting some tuna sashimi and a caterpillar roll and Phil getting a crunchy roll and a spicy tuna. 

They spoke about the expo as they waited for their food to arrive. 

“So,” Phil began. ‘When we get there, we’ll stop at the expo hall first and set up our booth. We’ll need to make sure all the coral are settled and safe. There won’t be many people in the expo hall then, since it will be around ten or eleven, depending on traffic. Can’t be too bad. It should be fine to leave them in the booth overnight as long as we have them tucked under the table and not up top. I am hoping the aquariums I am bringing will be easy to move, but we will probably both have to pick them up. I can’t imagine one of us being able to do it comfortably on our own. And after we get those comfortable, we will check into the hotel and get as much rest as we can. We have to be up at seven in the morning, by the way,” Phil mention, picking up his chopsticks and clumsily using them to transport some of the cucumbers to his mouth. 

“Seven in the morning?” 

“Every morning.” 

Dan groaned. “Is it too late to back out?” he asked, only half kidding. 

“Well, I mean, you can if you want, but if you do I am on my own,” Phil said, a look of disappointment falling over his face. 

“I was joking,” Dan assured him. “I’m going, I already said that I was.” 

“I know, I just…” Phil trailed off. 

In that moment, Adam swooped in, arms laden with plates, placing each of their rolls in front of them respectively. 

“Enjoy,” Adam said, sunnily, hurrying away. 

“Thank you,” Dan called after him, but he was already gone. “What were you saying?” Dan said, picking up a piece of sashimi with his chopsticks and putting it in his mouth. 

“I was just going to say that I am looking forward to this and that I would be disappointed if you backed out,” Phil finished, not looking directly at Dan, but rather at a spot behind him, right next to his right ear. 

“I”m looking forward to it, too” Dan said, smiling at Phil reassuringly. He couldn’t help but think that Phil seemed to be expecting Dan to drop out at any moment. He wasn’t sure why. Besides his joke minutes earlier, he had been nothing but interested. Nonetheless, Phil seemed on edge about Dan’s desire to be involved. 

Phil smiled weakly. “I’m glad.” He bit into another piece of sushi. 

“Good opportunity,” Dan said, not knowing what else to say. 

“Right,” Phil agreed, his face falling. “Good opportunity.” 

They finished discussing the (boring) details that Dan would need to know in order to ensure that their time at the expo ran smoothly, then they spoke about a whole lot of nothing for the rest of the meal, finding they had similar tastes in music, apart from the already discovered difference in opinion about the Beach Boys. They liked a lot of the same movies and TV shows. It felt weird to Dan, because he had always seen Phil as such a cool guy that probably enjoyed going to house parties and small town music shows, not someone who liked to stay in a play video games and watch Game of Thrones. But here Phil was, telling him that these were in fact the things that he enjoyed. 

When they finished their sushi, Adam popped out of seemingly nowhere and cleared their plates, replacing them with small bowls of green tea ice cream. 

“Oh, woah,” Dan said, surprised, not having ordered any. 

“He just brought them because Martyn and I always order it, so maybe he just assumed. Do you like green tea ice cream?” 

“Yeah, it’s good,” Dan said, nodding.

“Then go for it,” Phil said, smiling. 

Adam appeared once more with the check as they were digging into the ice cream. “When you’re ready,” he said, nodding at them before disappearing again. 

“That guy is fast,” Dan said, looking behind him to see where Adam had gone, but he didn’t see him in the front of the restaurant either. 

“He runs the whole place himself, since his mom passed. His dad heads the kitchen,” Phil said. “He has to be fast. This place gets giant lunch crowds from all the offices around here.” 

“Oh, wow,” Dan said, in admiration. He went to grab his wallet from his back pocket, but Phil stopped him. 

“I got it,” he said, holding his hand out as though he could stop Dan from pulling his wallet out with The Force or something. 

“No, no,” Dan said, still trying to pull out his card. 

“Dan, please, I invited you out, plus this was to talk about the store. If you won’t let me pay for it, look at it as the store paying for it. You’ve worked there long enough, the store owes you at least one meal,” Phil said. 

“Well, I mean, it is buying me all my meals for the next five days,” Dan said, pushing his card towards Phil. 

“No,” Phil said, but took the card in his hand despite what he had said. “You’ll be working for those, though, you didn’t have to do anything for this one.”

“Then why did you take my card?” 

“So you can’t give it to Adam when he walks up and tell him to split the check between our cards,” Phil said, raising his eyebrows at Dan. “You would have done that wouldn’t you?” 

“I mean.. Probably,” Dan said, smiling as he took another bite of his ice cream. 

“See, I know you,” Phil said, waving Adam over. He handed him the check and his own card. Once Adam was gone, he slid Dan’s card back to him. 

“Apparently, you do,” Dan said, feeling a slight blush rise to his cheeks as he tucked his card away. He felt odd that apparently Phil knew him well enough to predict his actions before he did it, when Phil was still almost entirely a mystery to him. He kind of liked that. He felt that it meant that that meant that Phil was paid attention to him, even before now. 

“Yeah,” Phil said, smiling down at his ice cream. He ate a spoonful then stirred at the rest of it, not looking up. 

Adam returned with the receipt. “Thank you, Phil,” he said. “And Phil’s friend,” he added, winking at Dan. 

Phil didn’t seem to notice the wink. “Thank  _ you _ , Adam,” he returned. 

“Thanks, Phil,” Dan said, quietly, finishing his ice cream.

“Happy to do it,” Phil answered. “Especially for my best employee.” 

Dan’s whole body felt warm and tingly at Phil’s words. He was sure he was blushing again, but luckily, Phil wasn’t looking at him. He seemed completely transfixed by his own hands. 

“Ready to go?” Phil asked, looking up suddenly. 

“Yeah, sure!” Dan said, standing up. 

Phil got up and lead the way to the door. He opened the door for Dan once more. Dan almost jumped when he felt Phil’s hand on the small of his back as he gently guided him out the door, calling his goodbye to Adam over his shoulder. It felt far too intimate, far too much like a date, but his hand was gone as quickly as it came, almost as though Phil realized it was odd just in the same moment. 

 

The drive back was pretty uneventful, consisting mostly of Dan scrolling through the music library on Phil’s phone and alternately praising and making fun of him, and Phil alternately thanking Dan and defending himself. It felt like no time at all before Phil was pulling into the car park for Dan’s building. Dan almost didn’t want to get out of the car, but Phil didn’t seem so eager for him to leave either. He was sure that he looked almost as surprised as Phil did when he heard the words that left his own mouth when Phil finally came to a stop in front of his building. 

 

“Do you want to come up?” 

Phil was stunned into silence, it seemed. 

‘To like, play Sonic or something,” Dan continued, realizing Phil might have thought he meant something else. 

“I-I would love to,” Phil stuttered. “I just need to, you know, park.” 

“Great,” Dan said, unable to contain his smile. 

Phil parked and they both got out. 

 

They walked up to Dan’s flat rather quickly as it was getting quite chilly outside. Once inside, Dan threw his own coat on the breakfast table and began to get comfortable. He toed off his shoes, noticing that Phil mirrored his actions. 

 

“You want tea or coffee?” Dan asked. “cocoaa? Something warm?” 

“Oh, cocoa would be nice,” Phil said, suddenly excited. 

“Alright, I will get to making it. Why don’t you set up the game for me?” Dan suggested. 

‘“I just realized,”Phil said, a concerned expression falling over his face, “that we can’t drink cocoa and play a video game at the same time.” 

“I guess you’re right,” Dan answered, thinking it over as he pulled the cocoa mix from the cupboard. “We could watch a movie or something. TV show, maybe? Just hang out? Anything in particular that you would like to watch?” 

“Well,” Phil began, smiling sheepishly, “I could go for some Buffy if you could go for some Buffy.”

Dan felt a smile crack across his face. He loved knowing that there was something that Phil liked so much that he was actually embarrassed of how much he liked it. 

“Buffy is fine, you massive nerd,” Dan replied, pouring some milk into a sauce pan on the stove. 

“Hey, watch it. I could fire you,” Phil warned, jokingly. 

“Yeah, but you won’t because I am your favorite,” Dan replied in a sing songy voice, dancing triumphantly across the kitchen to put the milk away. 

“I said best, I never said favorite,” Phil protested, leaning against the counter. 

“Same thing,” Dan said, winking at Phil as he sauntered back to the stove.

“Is not,” Phil muttered.

“Is. Too.” Dan said defiantly as he stirred the milk so it wouldn’t burn. 

“Kind of,” Phil admitted. 

“What?” Dan asked, shocked that he was actually able to get Phil to say that. He had only been joking to begin with. 

“You kind of are my favorite. Don’t tell anyone, though. Nepotism is unprofessional,” Phil added.

“I won’t tell anyone,” Dan said, hopping the heat from the stove was enough of an excuse for the pinkness that had risen to his cheeks. 

“Except Louise,” Phil pointed out.

“Except Louise,” Dan agreed. “Of course Louise, do you think that I would be able to keep it from her? The girl would give the Spanish Inquisition a run for their money.”

“I don’t doubt that,” Phil said, a smile tinging his lips. 

“She’s also my best friend, so I tell her everything,” Dan added.

“Yeah, you guys are kind of like the twins from The Shining,” Phil agreed. “Except you don’t look alike. Just more the always being together thing.” 

“So, you really could have said any famous pairing of people. Shrek and Donkey, Lucy and Ethel, CatDog, Joey and Chandler, need I go on?” Dan said, testing the temperature of the milk. 

“I get it, I get it, bad choice in reference,”Phil answered, rolling his eyes. 

“Great movie, though,” Dan added. 

“That it is.’ 

 

Dan decided the milk was ready, but didn’t want to leave it on the stove to burn. 

 

“Phil?”

‘Yes?” Phil answered quickly, perking up at the sound of his name.

“Would you get some mugs down for me? Two cupboards away from my head?” Dan said, jerking his head towards the correct cupboard.

‘Of course,” Phil said, going immediately for the cupboard. “One Direction? Really?” Phil said, holding up a mug covered in pictures of 2012 One Direction. 

“That’ll be your one,” Dan said. ‘Teach you to make fun of my mugs.”

Phil pouted, “Alright. What mug do you want?” 

“Ummm,” Dan said, pondering his choices. “Is there a grey one with Totoro’s face on it in there?” 

Phil paused for a moment to look into the cupboard. 

“Do you know who Totoro is, Phil?” Dan asked, giving Phil an expectant look. 

“Yes, I know who Totoro is, I am not a goob,” Phil answered, pulling out the Totoro mug. 

“What is a goob, pray tell?” Dan said, motioning to Phil where to set the mugs. 

“You,” Phil stated, matter-of-factly. 

“Me? I am a goob?” Dan asked, holding his hand to his chest in mock offense. He divided the milk evenly between the two cups then turned off the burner and put the pot in the sink. He put three scoops of cocoa in each cup. 

“Yes,” Phil confirmed.

“Spoon, please?” Dan asked, smiling while holding up his hand expectantly, like a surgeon in an operating room.

“Yes, Doctor,’ Phil said, chuckling, before adding, “Where are they?” 

“Drawer next to the sink.” 

“Right,” Phil said, hurrying over to get a spoon and bring it to Dan. 

“Thank you,” Dan said, winking at Phil and then stirring the cocoas. “Alright, here you go, Lester,” he said, holding out the One Direction mug to Phil. 

“Thanks, kid,” Phil said, taking a long sip from the cup once he had it in his hands. 

“Kid?” 

“What would you rather I say? Buddy?” 

“No, I just didn’t realize you were Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca,” Dan said. 

“What do you mean?” 

“What do you mean “what do you mean?” Here’s to looking at you, kid? Very famous line?” Dan said. He was honestly shocked. It wasn’t like he was a major film buff, he loved movies, but everyone saw Casablanca at least once in their life. He was quite honestly shocked that Phil hadn’t. 

 

“I’ve never seen it,” Phil said, shrugging. 

‘You’ve never seen it,” Dan repeated. “I mean, it’s not like my favorite, like I would be more scandalized if you said you hadn’t seen Moulin Rogue or something, but this is pretty big. This is like a cultural thing.”

“I’ve never seen Moulin Rouge,” Phil added. 

‘What the fuck?”

“It looked lame,” Phil said. “When it came out.”

“It looked la- oh my god. Phil. This is unacceptable. Forget Buffy, we are watching Moulin Rouge,” Dan said, almost ordering Phil. 

“Why do you want to torture me?” Phil asked. “I am regretting coming up.” 

“Really?” Dan asked, suddenly serious. 

“No, not really. Force me to watch your weird movie,” Phil said, nudging Dan with his shoulder. 

“Happy to do it,” Dan said, bubbly with excitement. 

“Yeah, all too happy,’ Phil huffed with mock annoyance, the corners of his mouth struggling to stay turned down in a fake frown. 

  
Dan put in the DVD as Phil got comfortable on the couch. He sat down on the opposite side of the couch as the movie began, hugging his cocoa close to his face, eyes glued to the screen, but very fiber of his body focusing on the fact that Phil was at the other end of his couch, not quite sure how any of this night was real. He pinched his thigh, hoping that if he was dreaming or imagining it, he would snap out of it, but nothing happened. He was still sat in the dark in his flat with Phil Lester, his boss, drinking cocoa and watching Moulin Rouge. 


	5. Chapter 5

“Dan.” 

His eyes fluttered open. The pale blue light of the TV met his tired eyes. . 

“Dan, wake up.”

Phil’s voice? 

“I liked the movie,” he heard Phil say as his shoulder was jostled. He opened his eyes completely to find Phil leaning over him on the couch trying to wake him. 

 

His face was slightly shiny from… tears?

Had Moulin Rouge made him cry?

“Are you crying?” Dan asked, his voice gravelly with sleep. 

“Maybe a little,” Phil admitted. 

“Nerd. What time is it?” Dan asked throwing his arm over his eyes to block out the irritating flashes of the DVD home menu. 

“Um, around 11:45,” Phil said, glancing at his phone. 

“Only that? How long was I out?”

“Maybe ten minutes. Not long,” Phil said. 

“I wasn’t even tired, but now I feel like I am dying. I feel like I have a hangover,” Dan groaned. “What the hell I have only been up for like six hours, I don’t need a nap.”

“You messed up your circadian rhythm,’ Phil said. 

“My what? Circadian? Aren’t those those bugs from America that like scream?” Dan said, lifting his arm to squint at Phil. 

“No,” Phil said, laughing. “That’s a cicada. Circadian rhythm,” Phil repeated as if saying the phrase again would somehow make Dan understand. Seeing that Dan was still lost, he went on to explain himself further. “It’s a rhythm that helps your body understand time passing by, I think It’s basically like your body clock, and when you change your sleep schedule drastically, it can really mess you up. headaches, grogginess. It’s like when you wake up from a nap and feel shittier than you did before you went to sleep. Your body isn’t used to you sleeping at that time so it gets all weird.”

“Thanks, science Phil,” Dan said, only half sarcastically. It was actually kind of interesting. “How do you know all this?”

“Um, sometimes when I can’t sleep, I read up on stuff. Nothing like a boring science article to put you to sleep. And I like knowing facts, and they say when you’re tired is the best time you study because you remember things best right before you go to bed,” Phil added.

‘Did you learn that from an article you read when you were trying to fall asleep?” Dan asked, feeling the corners of his mouth rise in a  smile.

“Yes, actually,” Phil answered. “So..” he trailed off looking around the room. 

“So what?” Dan asked. 

“Do you want me to head out? It’s getting late, you’re obviously tired,” Phil said, resting his eyes on everything but Dan’s face. 

“Of course, I don’t  _ want  _ you to leave.” 

“What?”

 

Dan realized then that he had said that outloud. He had only meant to say it in his head, but he guessed in his messed up cicada head, he hadn’t unplugged his brain from his stupid big mouth. 

 

“I mean, what I meant to say is, I like hanging out with you so like I don’t waaaaant you to leave, but if you’re tired you can go,” Dan said, trying to cover himself, tripping over his words. 

“Right. Well, good thing you like hanging out with me, because you’re stuck with me for the next week. But I do think I am going to head out because I have a lot of driving to do tomorrow with this kid that whines about my music and calls me a nerd a lot,  so I have to be well rested to deal with that, you know how it is.” Phil said, a mischievous grin on his lips.

“Yeah well, I have to ride with this guy who calls people things like goobs and is obsessed with Buffy the Vampire Slayer and surf music, so I better rest up for that. Will probably be really hellish,” Dan said.

“I can imagine,” Phil replied, walking over to where his shoes lay and slipping them on. 

 

Dan stood up and walked over to the door to see Phil out.

“This was fun,” Phil said. 

“Yeah, thanks again for dinner.”

‘Thank you for cocoa and a not so horrible movie,” Phil replied. 

‘You’re welcome.”

They both stood there awkwardly, as if waiting for something else to happen. Dan had the strange urge to hug the other man, but you can’t just hug your boss, it wasn’t done. So he went for the next best option.

‘See you tomorrow, buster,”he said, punching Phil playfully on the shoulder. 

“Yeah, right,” Phil said, giving Dan a slightly odd look. “See you tomorrow.” 

 

Dan closed the door behind Phil, immediately turning to rest his back against it. He slid down to the floor and rest his head on the heels of his hands. 

“See you tomorrow, buster. What the fuck was that,” he muttered to himself. 

Why did he have to be so fucking weird?

 

///

 

Lou: You up?

 

Dan’s phone buzzed just minutes after Phil had left.

It was set on the counter in the kitchen where he stood, cleaning the dishes from the hot chocolate, the last evidence that PHil was actually in the house and not part of some strange fever dream.

 

He dried his left hand, wiping it against his jeans, the unlocked his phone to answer. 

 

Dan: Yep, slept in late today remember? won’t be out anytime soon i don’t think

 

Apart from his initial grogginess when Phil had woken him up, his mind had cleared up and he was wide awake. It may have had something to do with the crippling embarrassment he felt with his goodbye to Phil. In fact, he suspected it was, Nothing wakes you up like a cringe attack. 

 

His phone buzzed again. 

 

Lou: thought i would hear from you after dinner. 

Dan: Oh, sorry. Phil only just left.

Lou: AND YOU DIDN’T THINK THAT I MIGHT WANT TO KNOW THAT?

Lou: I left you with Phil six hours ago???

Lou: You hung out for six hours?? is this what you’re telling me??

Lou: What happened, tell me? 

Lou: Nevermind, put on a pot of coffee I AM COMING OVER

Dan: Lou it’s nearly midnight on a Saturday, there is a bunch of drunks out, I don’t want you driving.

Lou: Daniel. James. Howell. I am coming over. NOW

Dan: Fine. Just be careful

Lou: Careful is my middle name.

Dan; well it should be “Nosey”

Lou; oi, watch it

Lou: be there in ten

 

Dan sighed fondly. He should have known that Louise would want to know every detail. The whole thing was so out of the ordinary, of course she would. He went to work on finishing his dishes before Louise got there, knowing she would probably rather go sit on his bed and talk than sit in the kitchen while he washed up. He was drying his last dish when his doorbell rang. 

 

He walked over the door with the dish towel still hanging from his hand. Louise began speaking the moment the door cracked open. 

 

“So he just left? Like within the last half hour?” 

  
“Yeah at like eleven forty five,” Dan said, clearing the way for Louise to answer. ‘Let me finish drying this dish and then we can go to my room.”

“Is that cocoa stuff?” Louise asked, eyeing the already dried dishes on the counter. “Did you have cocoa with him?” 

“Yeah, why?” Dan said, not seeing the issue. 

“So you’re telling me two grown ass men drinking cocoa in the dark is normal?”

“Yeah?”   
“Ok, let me rephrase this, is it normal for two grown ass men, one of them being Phil damn Lester, to drink cocoa together in the dark?”

“That would be less normal,” Dan said, setting the final dried dish on the counter and motioning for Louise to follow him back to his room. 

 

“So,” Louise said, flopping down on his bed, pulling one of his pillows under her and lying on her stomach. “Tell me everything that happened since I left.” 

 

He chose to sit on the floor, legs crossed, looking up at Louise. 

 

“Like what? We drove to dinner, we ate, we came home, we watched a movie, he left,” Dan said, holding up his hands to signify he was done. “Th-th-that’s all, folks,” he said, imitating Porky Pig.

 

“DAAAAAANnnnn.” Louise chastised, rolling her eyes. “What did you talk about in the car, what did you have for dinner, what movie did you watch? Pretend I’m the fucking police and this is your alibi, I mean please. Pretend your life depends on you telling me this story.”

‘I am beginning to think it might,” Dan said, making a yikes face.

“Don’t test me,” Louise said, casually. “You of all people should know what I am capable of.”

“What not leaving my house and not letting me sleep until you tell me?” 

“Something like that. Consider it a threat,” Louise said.

“Oh, I will.”

“Alright, now spill,” Louise ordered, picking up another pillow from the bed and throwing it at Dan.

‘Alright, alright, alright,” Dan said catching the pillow and hugging it to his chest. “We talked about music in the car,” he began. “Apparently, he really likes sixties surf music, which was weird to me. All of his other music tastes are normal, and by normal, I mean that they are similar to mine, but the surf music was weird to me. Apparently his did listened to it a lot back when they were first opening up the shop, when Phil was like a younger teenager, I guess.” 

Louise nodded, understanding. “I mean, I think we all have music that we like not so much for the content but because of the memories attached to it. Like, I don’t love My Chemical Romance, but it totally reminds me of high school with you, and so it makes me happy.”

“That’s sweet, Lou,” Dan said smiling. 

“Yes, I am sweet and you love me, I know, but we are talking about you and Phil’s great dinner adventure, so tell me more. Where did you eat?” 

“Sushi. He bought. Or the company bought. I am pretty sure the card had his name on it, but I don’t know how company cards work,” Dan explained, “But he said it was the company.”

“Did he seem weird?”

“Yeah, he seemed weird, he was actually talking!”

“You know what I mean. Was he acting, I don’t know, like he would on a date?”

“I don’t know how he would act on a date,” Dan argued. 

“What would you imagine he would act like on a date?”

“I dunno.”

“You’re USELESS,” Louise groaned, rolling over onto her back. 

“Sorry, Lou, but I can’t explain something that I don’t understand myself.”

“Yeah, well, I would talk to Phil if that were an option, but it’s not, he’s my boss,” Louise huffed. “Not like that stopped you though.” 

“Well, I am his favorite employee,” Dan said. 

“Yeah, says who?” Louise guffawed, as though that were a preposterous idea. 

“Says Phil,” Dan replied, offhandedly. 

“Phil sa-PHIL SAID?” Louise answered, rolling back over on to her stomach to give Dan an evil eye. “Did you not feel that maybe that was something you should have, I don’t know, led with?” 

“Well, he told me not to tell anyone.”

“And you were going to listen to him? Dan, is our friendship built upon a throne of lies?” Louise asked in a tone that Dan believed to be only half playfully. 

“No, when I agreed, he asked me if I was going to tell you anyway, and I said yes,” Dan said. “And here I am telling you.”

“That’s what I like to hear,” Lou answered. 

 

They remained silent for a moment as Louise mulled over what Dan had told her. 

“Hey Dan,” she began, seemingly through thinking it over.

“What?” he answered, 

“Do you think he was maybe flirting with you? Took you out to dinner said you were his favorite employee? Sounds kind of flirty to me?” 

“What, are my skills as an employee not worthy of either of those things?”he countered, wanting Louise to drop it. 

 

The only thing that had kept Dan grounded all these years was the fact that Louise was always pointing out all the reasons that Phil was never going to ask Dan out. She was always there to talk some sense into him, to protect him from himself really, which he appreciated because it helped him from getting his hopes up too high. That was the only thing that kept him sane, the fact that even though he was hopelessly in love with Phil, there was no chance, so there was nothing he could do to make his chances better. It always seemed as though trying to get Phil to like him would be like waiting for pigs to fly; it wasn’t going to happen without some serious scientific experimentation.

 

But if Louise suddenly saw reason to believe that Phil was even remotely into him, this was all over. Every semblance of composure that he had in regards to the subject rest in Louise’s hands, and he could feel that disintegrating already. 

 

“I mean, I don’t know, I know he’s not dating anyone right now, and in the past few months has seemed as buddy buddy as Phil can possibly be, so I have been thinking on this for a while and I think-”

 

“Lou. Don’t say it,” Dan said, clenching his eyes shut and squeezing the pillow in his lap to death, trying to hold on to his last shreds of everything that Louise had built up in the past. 

“You don’t even know what I am about to say,” Louise said. “Trust me, it’s not me saying it's never going to happen. It’s the opposite.”

“I know, Lou. That’s why I need you not to say it. I need you to say what you’ve always said because if you change your mind, then it becomes real and I can’t just be myself and see him as a person that yes, I am extremely physically and emotionally attracted to,  but is way out of my league. The moment you say it’s possible, I lose what little cool I have, Louise,” Dan said. 

 

Louise smiled at him weakly, her eyes laced with pity. “Ok, I’ll shut up,” Louise said softly. She got up from the bed and joined Dan on the floor, hugging him to her. “Sorry, kiddo. Sometimes, I’m not very smart.”

“Yeah, sometimes, you’re not,” Dan agreed, leaning into Louise. 

“You ok?” 

“Yeah, I’m just tired and nervous because in less than 24 hours, I will be stuck with Phil for a week and I don’t know how I am going to handle it. I mean, you’re you, so I can say this. I haven’t even let myself say this to myself until now. I think the obvious fear is that what if after spending so much time with him, I will like him even more. But I guess something else that scares me is that if after I hang out with him for this much time, what if I don’t like him anymore? What if he’s mean or a dick? I mean the past few days, he’s been great, but he could just be on his best behavior.”

“But” Louise began, “maybe, getting over him could be a good thing, Dan.”

“I know that. But I don’t want to.”

“I guess I understand that.”

“I would be like a weird let down, to find out after all this time, I just liked the idea of him and not the real him.”

“Yeah,” Louise said, running her fingers through her hair. 

 

They sat on the floor a while longer, Louise hugging him to her like a mother to a child. He would never tell her to her face, but when he was having a hard time and they did things like this, it really did help. He would truly be lost without her. 

“It’s getting late,” Dan mentioned, not really wanting Louise to leave, but knowing she worked in the morning. 

“Yeah,” Louise answered, unmoving. 

“You can stay if you like,” Dan added. He knew that she had left a pair of pajamas in his wardrobe for occasions like this. He didn’t know if she had a Pet Castle shirt for tomorrow, but he hoped she would stay. 

“Yeah, alright, but I’m working in the morning,” Louise said. “I’ll try not to wake you up.” 

Dan nodded, then stood up, heading over to the wardrobe to get out Lou’s pajamas. She took them from him and then went to the bathroom to change. 

 

Dan took the time to change into his now dry pajama pants and a t-shirt. He hated wearing shirts to bed, but he didn’t want Louise to feel weird. He was sure she probably wouldn’t care or notice if he didn’t wear a shirt, and they had been sharing beds at nearly every sleep over for the last five years, but he still felt like it was necessary. 

 

“Are you tired now?” Louise asked, walking back in with her street clothes in a messy pile. She dropped them in the corner by the wardrobe. Dan almost said something in protest but decided against it. She was only staying there tonight because she knew he would be up all night worrying otherwise. She knew that sometimes he was able to relax better when there was someone else with him. Sometimes, he really hated being alone. 

“Yeah,” he lied. He was anything but tired, but he knew that she probably was. She woke up at a normal human time today anyway. Louise was better at being a normal human than he was. He envied her for that. 

Louise crawled into the side of the bed closest to his bedroom door. 

Dan contemplated going to the living room and playing on his phone until he was actually ready to go to sleep, but he decided he might as well try to fix his sad sleep schedule before he actually had to wake up at seven in the morning every day this week. He sighed as he switched off his bedroom light. He crawled into his side of the bed and closed his eyes, resisting the urge to toss and turn as it would keep Louise up. 

 

His body relaxed the longer he lay there and he felt himself drifting in and out of consciousness. Finally, his brain settled down from a loud clamor of thoughts about Phil, the expo, his reasons for taking him, and pretty much every worry he could possibly have to a subtle whir, still there, but easily ignored, and Dan fell asleep. His dreams were disjointed and senseless, but in everyone, Phil was there, telling him that he would never, ever, feel the same way.


	6. Chapter 6

Louise was gone when he woke up. She had left a note on his pillow in her familiar, curly script.

 

_I think you had nightmares last night. Tossing and turning a lot. I hope you’re not too tired. Sorry I left without saying goodbye, the princes of Pet Castle needed me. Have fun in London! You’re going to be fine. Call me everyday. I love you- L <3 _

 

He smiled and folded the note up, putting it in the drawer of his bedside drawer.

He didn’t remember having any nightmares in particular, but he wouldn’t be surprised if he had been a restless sleeper. He was stressed and he didn’t sleep well when he was stressed. He took his phone from his bedside table, looking at the screen. His heart nearly stopped in his chest. He had a text from Phil. Phil had never texted him in his life. He unlocked his phone quickly and read it as fast as he could.

 

Phil: Had fun last night. Be ready to go at 8PM. I will pick you up then.

 

Dan’s fingers hovered over the screen, trying to think of something to say.

He settled on what seemed like the most obvious option.

 

Dan: Ok, sounds good :) see you then.

 

Phil responded almost immediately. Dan could feel his blood rushing through his veins at mach speed as he opened the new message.

 

Phil: Or I can always pick you up earlier if you want. I mean, if you want to help me load the truck from the store or anything. I don’t know, it can familiarize you with the merchandise. I understand if you don’t want to though.

 

Dan looked at the time on the top of his screen. It was already eleven in the morning and he still had a lot of packing to do. He also didn’t know if he could handle spending more time with Phil than he already had to. Not after what Louise had almost said last night.

So he lied.

 

Dan: I would love to, but I just realized most of my Pet Castle shirts are dirty so I need to do some laundry before I leave.

 

Luckily, Phil hadn’t been in Dan’s bedroom last night, or else he would have seen a stack of eight clean, neatly folded Pet Castle shirts sitting on Dan’s dresser. Dan eyed them guiltily was he awaited Phil’s response.

 

Phil: That’s fine. Wouldn’t want you to have to spend the whole expo naked ;) see you at eight.

 

The winky face was a typo. It had to have been. Phil couldn’t have possibly sent a winky face over text. First of all, Dan was relatively sure that was illegal, sexual harassment or something. Second of all, Phil wasn’t a winky face kind of guy. He was barely a smiley face kind of guy. Dan held his breath, waiting for another text to come through with an asterisk and a correction, but it never came. Maybe Phil hadn’t realized. That had to be it. Phil didn’t know that he had accidentally sent the actually flirtiest emoticon of all time. _This is why we moved on to emojis,_ Dan thought. _It is much harder to make this mistake with an emoji._

 

He almost said something. He almost texted Phil saying something like “Did you mean smiley face?” But he didn’t because that would be weird. Then Phil would think he overanalyzed everything, which he did.

 

He threw his phone down and got out of bed, stretching his arms above his head. He took the short walk to his wardrobe, pulling out the suitcase that was pressed up against the back of the space, for the most part forgotten. Dan hadn’t travelled much in the last few years, at least not outside of England. He was too busy working. In all honesty, he could have asked for time off, he had perfect attendance otherwise, but he didn’t really want to. He was worried things would change too much while he was gone. He knew it was a stupid reason not to travel, but he would do that some other time, when he had a roommate to share the burden of rent and utilities with.

 

This trip to London would be his first time away from home in a long time, and even then it was a work trip. Still he was excited. He left the suitcase open on his bed and got a pen and paper out to make a checklist of what he needed.

Six Pet Castle shirts, one for everyday and then an extra in case something happened to one of them.

Three casual shirts for after the Expo.

Two button-ups in case he went to a club or a nice restaurant. (Unlikely, but better safe than sorry).

Four pairs of black skinny jeans because they were a must have.

Six pairs of underwear and six pairs of socks.

His pajamas, toothbrush, toothpaste,  hair brush, hair straightener, deodorant, computer, phone and chargers.

He would just bring whatever shoes he wore tonight.

He figured that was good enough, and if not, well, he would buy whatever he needed when he got there. He was kind of a minimalist when it came to packing. Things were easier that way.

 

After he made the checklist, he placed the list in the bottom of the suitcase, deciding to get ready so he wouldn’t need to take anything out once he’d packed them. He began his morning routine, going as slowly as possible, because once he was ready and packed, he had nothing else to do but wait. The waiting was the hardest part.

 

He turned the shower on and waited for it to get hot, making sure he had a towel ready for afterwards. He got in the shower once the steam had completely fogged up the mirrors, trying to focus on nothing but the feeling of the water against his skin, but despite his efforts, his mind wandered.

 

He would be staying five days in a single room with Phil. He had come to terms with that. What he had only just realized was Phil had seemed very comfortable stripping down to nearly nothing in the pump room the night he had fallen in, so he would probably be comfortable walking around the hotel room in just a towel, and of course Dan wouldn’t exactly mind that, he just didn't know if he could handle it like a sane person for five days.

He imagined Phil, towel slung low on his hips, hair wet and mussed walking from the bathroom to wherever his clothes would be, casually as though he weren’t the hottest thing on the planet. Dan’s breath caught in his throat at the mere idea. He squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head, hoping the idea would fly out from the force, but he could still see it in his mind, clear as day.

He tried to think of something else to focus on. He settled on a song, thinking solely about washing himself and getting every single word right. The only song he could think of, of course, was a Beach Boys song, but he tried to ignore the reason it was stuck in his head.

“Wouldn’t it be nice to live together, in the kind of world where we belong… I know it’s gonna make it that much better, when we goodnight and sleep together..” he murmured as he washed his hair.

Finally, he ended his shower, his skin pink from overexposure to what was likely too-hot water.

He dried off as he returned to his room, going over to his laptop to put on some music, but then he remembered that Phil had told him to listen to that other song, his favorite song of all time. He wracked his brain for the name, but could only remember the album. He pulled up Pet Sounds on spotify and scrolled through the tracklist, his eyes finally resting on the title that jogged his memory. He sat down on his bed and hit play.

 

_I may not always love you, but long as there are stars above you, you never need to doubt it, I’ll make you so sure about it.. God only knows what I’d be without you.._

 

A pit settled into Dan’s stomach at the dawning of two thoughts: he had never related to a song more in his life, and that worried him because it meant there was someone out there that made Phil feel this way, and he was pretty sure it wasn’t him.

 

_And if you should ever leave me, my life would still go on believe me, but the world could show nothing to me, so what good would living do me? God only knows what I’d be with our you…_

 

Dan drew in a sharp breath. Fuck. The sentiment sounded all too familiar. To think all this time, while he was pining after Phil, Phil was heartbroken pining over someone else. He didn't stand a chance.

 

He texted Phil.

 

Dan: I liked the song by the way. very melancholy

 

Phil responded almost immediately.

 

Phil: Yeah, huh?

 

Dan sat for a moment trying to think of what to say. When he did find something, he almost didn't believe he sent it.

 

Dan: Who is it about for you?

Phil: Someone who is so far out of the picture now that they're in a different frame  hanging in a different gallery in an art show on a different planet.

Dan: That’s pretty far.

Phil: Yeah, but c’est la vie. I'll move on eventually. Hbu?

 

Dan paused before typing.

Dan: Just someone that doesn't know I exist.

Phil: they’re missing out then.

Dan: haha thanks

 

He threw his phone down and stood up.

He was going to be sick.

 

///

 

He was packed. Phil arrived at his flat at promptly at eight. They carried his things down and started off on the road without a hitch. Dan felt slightly uneasy. He felt as though he was full of questions he would never be able to ask.

Who was the person that he was stuck on? Did Dan know them? Was it one of those dates that he had brought to one of the company holiday parties but seemingly never saw again? Dan hoped it wasn’t someone he had seen. It would be easier to hate someone with all his heart if he didn’t have a face to put to the name. He couldn’t bring it up now. There was too much road ahead of them that could potentially be travelled in an awkward silence if he said something.

 

Luckily, when they had been driving about twenty minutes, Phil made a sudden exclamation.

 

“Shit!”

“What, what, what happened?” Dan asked, jumping in his seat, now on red alert.

“I forgot my book at home,” Phil sighed. He looked at the time on the dashboard, then up at the road in front of him, his contemplation clear on his face. “Well, we’ve been driving too long now. I guess I’ll live. I mean, it’s not like I am at this thing alone, so hopefully, I won’t die of boredom.”

“Yeah,” Dan responded, smiling weakly. So now that Phil didn’t have a book, he would be relying more on him for entertainment. Great. More opportunities for Phil to say something stupid. He tried to think of something to say, as Phil was obviously waiting for him to answer. Finally, he managed, “ What book was it?”

“It was a collection of stories by Stephen King. He is one of my favorites,” Phil shrugged.

“Oh, yeah he does really scary stuff, right? The Shining, Cujo, Pet Sematary,” Dan said, listing off the names of the books he had read by him. It was really bone chilling stuff. “I had to stop reading those when I moved out on my own. Can’t handle that stuff in an empty dark flat with no one to tell me that every bump in the night is just in my head.”

“Yeah, well, I am brave. And not everything he does is scary. He does some science fiction, he actually did a series that was like dimension jumping cowboys, and a lot of his short stories are like really sad and not scary at all,” Phil explained. “But I mean, if you’re too scared to read one on your own, you can always come hang out at mine and read one so, you know, you have someone to tell you it’s all in your head.”

“Are you saying you’ll be brave for me so I don’t have to be? You realize the issue is that when I go home to sleep, I will be scared,” Dan asked. “I’m fine while I am reading it. It’s when I am lying in bed and listening to the ACTUAL DEMONS taking over my home that I am worried.”

Phil laughed. ‘What I meant was that you could stay over. If you wanted.”

“Right,” Dan said. He turned to the window and pressed his forehead against the glass, unsure of whether he should laugh or cry. Phil obviously did not know that every attempt he made to get closer to him was tearing his heart out of his chest because it only made it more clear that Phil had no idea how he felt and that he could never tell him. He decided that trying to get close to Phil was the worst decision he had ever made.

///

 

They had talked the rest of the ride there. A whole lot about nothing, as had become the norm for them now. Dan knew Phil’s favorite color (blue), his favorite author, his favorite musician, his favorite movie (Kill Bill Vol. 2) but he didn’t actually _know_ much about Phil. Phil knew the same amount of surface information about him now, too, so he supposed they were even in that sense. He had known people for longer and known less about them, so they could work with some semblance of a friendship here.

 

When they finally arrived at the venue, they unloaded everything, checking in at the front desk and then hauling everything inside. Most of the conversation then consisted of where to put what and what looked best where, all business type stuff. It was when they checked into the hotel that Dan began to worry.

 

Things were tense. He knew that was his own fault, but since Phil had said what he said earlier that day, he couldn’t relax. He had never known he had real competition here in the race that was trying to get Phil to notice him, but now that he knew that he did, he felt oddly sick. He felt like he wanted to distance himself from thinking about it, but how could he when Phil was five feet away from him at a maximum?

 

They each took their own bed, Phil plopping down on his with a huff and opening up Crossy Road on his phone, and Dan collapsing into his, scrolling through tumblr, but actually seeing nothing. They remained this way for some minutes before Phil spoke up. Couldn’t deal with silence, it seemed, which was odd because he had always been so quiet before.

 

“You tired?”

“Not particularly,” Dan answered, looking up.

“Want to go to a pub?”

“We have to get up early tomorrow,” Dan pointed out.

“Fuck it,” Phil shrugged. “We are only in London for a week, let’s make the most of it.”

Dan agreed, reluctantly. It didn’t seem like Phil to allow something as trivial going out to a pub potentially harm his business, but he was the boss after all, and Dan wasn’t going to object to a drink. A free one, at that.

 

There was a pub that was connected to the lobby of their motel, so they decided just to go there, because they wouldn’t have to bother with a taxi, and could stay out later without having to worry about getting back.

 

Phil had downed a beer and a half and Dan was still working on his first when Phil looked over at him and said, “Just ask me.”

 

“What?”

 

“I can tell you want to ask me something, so do it.”

 

“I can’t.”

 

“I’m telling you to.”

 

Dan took a deep breath. He opened his mouth to speak several times before finally asking, “What happened with that person? That you’re hung up on?”

 

Phil looked over at him, pushing his fringe out of his face and blowing out a big breath of air.

 

‘It’s a long story.”

 

Dan smiled at him apologetically. “Well, I am here all week.”

 

Phil chuckled but the laugh didn’t reach his eyes. “Well, here goes nothing.”

 

“I met him when I was about seventeen,” Phil began, and Dan felt guilty that the only thing he had really focused on in that sentence was the word “him.”

 

“He was older than me, like twenty-five, but he liked me and so I thought it was cool. He was a customer, he had a dog and two cats that he doted on, so he was in the store all the time. But it got to the point where he was coming in when he knew I was closing and staying way later than I should have let him. I only let him because he was pretty. Taller than me, with this big green eyes, he was so good looking. And he was so nice to begin with,” Phil said, looking down at his beer glass.

 

Dan’s breath caught in his throat. He looked so sad, and Dan just wanted to hug him. He shouldn’t have asked. Why did he ask?

“But, uh, then he wasn’t. I was young and I hadn’t really dated before. So I didn’t have a standard as to how I should be treated, and I didn’t know it wasn’t ok for him to be checking my phone and blocking numbers so I didn’t know if my friends were trying to contact me and changing all of my passwords without me knowing so I would have to ask to log into social media. I thought he was just protecting me, you know, that he loved me so much that he would go to all these ends to make sure I was safe and with him. But then, um, Martyn found out and it was this whole huge thing with my family, and he told me if I wanted to stay with him I had to choose between my family and him,” Phil continued, his voice breaking. He squeezed his eyes shut.

 

Dan reached across the table and put his hand on top of Phil’s squeezing it.

 

“Anyway,” Phil said, after he had composed himself, “There really wasn’t a question as to who I would choose. My family is everything, and the store… The store will be mine one day and I'm not going to give that up for some guy who won't let me have a life outside of him.”

 

“If it makes you feel any better, you made the right choice,” Dan said quietly, his hand still resting on Phil’s.

 

“I know I did,” Phil replied. “Doesn’t mean that part of me doesn't still wish I hadn't. Part of me still loves him. I know it’s dumb to be hung up on someone for so long but I can't help it.”

“I don't think it's dumb at all,” Dan answered.

Phil nodded, finishing off the rest of his beer.

Dan pulled his hand away, realizing it had been there too long now.

Phil began to speak again. Dan focused his eyes on the wood grain of the table in front of him, tracing the patterns with his eyes. He listened as Phil continued.

“I know it is for the better though. And I really believe that the universe will send me the right person, you know? Like there is someone out there for me and I know they’re out there, it’s just a matter of finding them,” Phil paused. “Maybe I already know them and neither of us have realized what the universe is trying to tell us yet.”

Dan looked up at that, finding Phil looking at him, his eyes intense. A shiver ran down Dan’s spine. Surely, he was reading too far into this. Surely, Phil wasn’t saying what he thought he was saying. Phil maintained eye contact for a moment longer, then looked away. Dan’s brain ran lazily in circles, slowed by the beer, as he tried to think of something to say that wasn’t “Maybe it’s me.” The thought seemed to hang in the air between them, Dan felt as though he could sense it floating in Phil’s brain as well, but he was buzzed, and when he was buzzed, he was often wrong.

 

“Do you want to go back up to the room?” Phil asked, finally pulling Dan out of his own head.

“Yeah, sure,” Dan said. “I could really use a shower to be honest.”

Phil nodded, waving over the bartender to pay their tab, then followed Dan upstairs in relative silence.

Dan hurried into the bathroom upon entering the room, grabbing his pj bottoms and toiletries. He switched on the shower when he closed the door behind him, but didn’t get undressed. He took some water in his hands and ran it through his hair to give off the illusion that he had showered, but what he really wanted to do was sit in the bathroom on his phone and think about nothing for a while.

 

He texted Louise, though everything in his body wanted to talk about something other than Phil.

 

Dan: Learned something new.

Lou: Already?

Dan: He had some dick ex boyfriend that basically ruined his love life forever i think

Lou: How did you find out? you make a move on him?

Dan: No. we’re both a little drunk and he just.. told me.. said he thinks that he made the right decision when he left the guy, and that maybe the universe has someone else in mind for him and he just hasn’t met them yet

Lou: oh. well. that’s cryptic

Dan: or that he has met them and they just haven’t realized.

Lou: is this guy the sphinx? like weird much.

Dan: he’s drunker than I am.

Lou: yeah well.

Dan: I am going to bed.

Lou: No you’re not, you just don’t want to talk it about this anymore.

Dan: Goodnight, Louise. Ily. Ttyl

Lou: ily??? you really don’t want to talk about this

Dan: goodnight, Lou.

Lou: night, kiddo.

 

Dan shut off the water and began to undress, leaving his clothes on the floor. He could take care of them in the morning. He pulled on his pajama pants and picked up his phone, his hand resting on the doorknob, taking a deep breath before re-entering the bedroom.

 

Phil lay on his bed, fully clothed, sleeping, a soft snore escaping his lips. Dan felt a smile form on his lips. He walked over to Phil cautiously, scared that if he so much as disturbed the air too much, he would wake the sleeping man. He gingerly removed Phil’s shoes, setting them down on the floor beside the bed. He looked down at Phil, then realized he would probably be cold in the night, completely uncovered, but he didn’t know how to fix it, as Phil was lying on top of his blankets.

He then remembered that most hotels kept extra blankets in the wardrobe, so he hurried over to the one in the corner and opened it, finding an unfortunately light blanket folded and tucked away on the top shelf. He unfurled it and carried it over to where Phil lay, letting it fall on top of him, hoping it would bring him some small amount of warmth.

Confident that Phil would be at least somewhat comfortable in his sleep, Dan padded over to the light switch and turned off the lights, then walked quietly over to his bed. He plugged in his phone, setting an alarm for 6:45 in the morning, hoping that would  be early enough, as he was relatively sure that Phil had fallen asleep before he had been able to set an alarm and he didn’t want to wake the other man now when he slept so peacefully.

 

Dan lay on his side, able to make out the shape of the other man under the blanket across the room in the darkness, watching as the blanket rise and fall in synch with the soft sounds of Phil’s breathing. He felt his own eyes beginning to flutter shut as he was lulled by the peaceful noises of the room, comforted by the other man’s presence despite the longing he felt to be so much closer. It was with that longing, and a strange sense of peace, that Dan fell asleep.


	7. Chapter 7

Dan was jolted awake by the loud jingle coming through his phone, cutting through his head like the ice pick that killed Trotsky. 

“God dammit, why,” he mumbled, silencing the alarm, letting out a disgruntled huff. He opened his eyes, noticing that light on the bedside table was already one. 

 

“Good morning, sleepyhead,” Phil said from the bathroom door. He was leaning against the doorjamb, wearing nothing but his jeans, toothbrush hanging from his mouth in a way that shouldn’t have been sexy but somehow was. 

 

“Good?” Dan asked, squinting against the light. “My head feels like someone went at it with a sledgehammer.”

“You’re young, aren’t you not supposed to get hangovers?” Phil said, taking the toothbrush from his mouth.

“You’re old, aren’t you supposed to?” Dan retorted bitterly. 

“Oi,” Phil said, shooting him a mock sour look before turning back into the bathroom to finish brushing his teeth. 

 

Dan sat up, rubbing his temples, already able to tell it was going to be a long day. 

He still hadn’t gotten out of bed yet when Phil returned from the bathroom. 

 

“Thanks for tucking me in last night,” Phil said with a chuckle. 

‘Didn’t want you to freeze,” Dan said, closing his eyes and falling back into the bed. 

“Hey, up and at ‘em, Atom Ant, it’s time to get out of bed,” Phil said, walking over to the side of Dan’s bed and jostling the mattress. “You can’t win employee of the year lying down.” 

“Depends on the job,” Dan replied, his voice laden with innuendo, sticking out his tongue in Phil’s general direction. 

“Gross. Well, you can’t win Pet Castle employee of the year from bed,” Phil corrected himself. 

“Can’t I?” Dan asked. 

“No,” Phil assured him. 

“Then I quit,” Dan groaned, turning over on to his stomach and nuzzling his face into the pillow and sighing happily as he let himself slip back towards sleep. 

“No,” Phil repeated, this time his voice much more stern. Dan felt the edge of his bed dip under Phil’s weight as Phil apparently climbed on. “Get up,” Phil said, shaking him back and forth. 

“Hate you,” Dan mumbled into the pillow, but not opening his eyes or making any indication that he would be getting up. 

“No, you don’t,” Phil argued. “I’m your favorite, remember?” 

“As I recall,” Dan replied, opening one eye, “I am your favorite employee. I do not recall calling you my favorite anything.”

“But I am,” Phil insisted, “so get up so I keep on liking you enough to keep you around.” 

“You owe me so much for this,” Dan said, opening his eyes in full. 

“You literally agreed to do this,” Phil said. 

“I didn’t know you’d get me drunk then drag me out of bed at ass crack in the morning,” Dan groaned, sitting up and looking at Phil with feigned disdain. 

“You got yourself drunk, I just bought the drinks,” Phil pointed out. “And I told you how early you’d have to get up when you agreed.” 

“Shhh,” Dan said, reaching out and placing one finger on Phil’s lips to quiet him. “I’m right. If you want me to get out of bed, I am right.” 

“Fine,” Phil replied, his lips moving against Dan’s skin, tickling. Dan pulled his hand away almost immediately, shivering at the touch. “You’re right,” Phil finished, his mouth curling into smile. “Now get ready. Places to be, people to see, sales to make.” He stood up and walked over to his suitcase, pulling out a blue Pet Castle t-shirt and putting it on. He turned back to see Dan watching him. ‘Well?” 

 

“I’m getting up, I’m getting up,’ Dan assured him, pulling a face at Phil as he walked past him to the bathroom. He closed the door and picked up the jeans he had left on the floor, pulling them on after he took his pajama pants off. He grabbed his toothbrush from the counter and began brushing his teeth. 

Phil tapped on the door. “I’m going to get some coffee, you want some?” 

“Yes, please,” Dan called through the door. 

“Cream, one sugar, right?” 

“Yeah,” Dan confirmed. “How’d you know?” 

“I’m observant,” Phil said. “Alright, be right back.” 

 

Dan heard the room door open and close, confirming that he was alone in the room. He searched through his toiletry bag for ibuprofen and found none, so he opened the bathroom door to search his actual suitcase, but again, his search was fruitless. 

 

He rubbed his temples, debating on whether or not he could make it through the morning without some sort of painkiller. The pounding in his temples let him know that was a hard no, so he picked up his phone and shot Phil a text. 

 

Dan: can you pick up some advil or something while you are out?

Phil: of course

Dan: thank you

 

He tried to push the thought that all of this was so domestic aside, that this was what living together would be like. 

He readied for the day as he waited for Phil to return. 

////

 

The expo was not unlike working at the shop, just a lot bigger, a lot more people, and, of course, a lot less merchandise. Dan did his best to remember everything about each bit of coral, but he found himself asking Phil a lot of questions. Phil didn’t seem to mind, they were attracting a lot of buyers and were even making some money. They had taken down the information of several buyers who wanted to come back to the actual brick and mortar store to make larger purchases, which had been the goal of going to the expo anyway. 

 

Throughout the day, Dan began to notice the strange feeling of being watched, not just buy the customers who came to the booth to buy something, because they were more interested in the product he was holding than they were himself. No, this was someone watching specifically him, quite intently, but he couldn’t quite piece together who. 

 

Everytime he felt the eyes on him, he would look up and scan the room, but found no one, at least no one in his eye sight, that was looking at him. He feared his was going crazy. 

 

Around noon, he felt the thump of a headache returning to his head. 

 

“i’m going to run across the street back to the hotel really quick and get more advil,” Dan informed Phil over the clamour of the convention. 

 

‘Ok,” Phil replied, nodding, barely looking up from the paperwork he had in front of him. 

 

As Dan made his way to the exit of the convention center, he felt the heavy weight of eyes on him once more. He pivoted as fast as he could in the direction he sensed the attention coming from and locked eyes across the room with Phil, whose cheeks immediately brightened to a brilliant shade of fuschia before he looked back down at the paper in front of him. 

 

Surely, Dan told himself, it hadn’t been Phil this whole time. He was too close by, he would have caught him before then. Right? 

 

He hurried across the street to get his medicine, not wanting to leave Phil stranded on his own for much longer than he had to. 

When he entered their room, he realized he had no idea where he had left the bottle of ibuprofen that morning, but the more he thought about it, he realized that Phil had been the last to use it. He shot Phil a text. 

 

Dan: hey were’d u put the painkillers?

Phil: oh shit, lol, i put them in my dopp kit. you can go ahead and get them out. it’s on the counter in the bathroom. 

Dan: dopp kit?

Phil: manly word for toiletry bag. bc u know, I am so manly. 

Dan: you dweeb. ok thanks. 

Phil: watch it, kid

 

Caught up in the banter, Dan replied with a strange surge of bravery. 

 

Dan: watch my ass

 

The moment he saw the word delivered appear under the speech bubble in little text he knew that he shouldn’t have said it. He had meant it like when people said oh, it’s not a date, he just wants to hang out and your friend would respond “Hang out, my ass.” 

He realized now this phrasing didn’t quite work this way. 

 

The tiny speech bubble that signified Phil was typing appeared then disappeared. Appeared then disappeared once more. A third time. 

Finally, a message came through. 

 

Phil: I mean if you insist. 

 

Dan locked his phone and hurried to the bathroom, his mind racing. Playful banter. That’s all it was. He did it with Louise all the time, hell, they joked about getting married, and it was fine. But why did this felt different. Dan rummaged through Phil’s bag, pulling out a bottle of contact solution (Phil wore contacts? Were his eyes even blue then? Was Dan’s whole life a lie?) and multiple tiny tubes of toothpaste before he finally found the bottle he was looking for. He shook two out of the bottle and put it back in Phil’s bag along with his other things, pondering how the bottle had been buried so quickly when Phil had only bought it that morning. He put the pills in his mouth, chasing them with water from the bathroom sink before hurrying back across the street to the venue. 

 

He hurried through the doors, flashing his pass that hung around his neck to the door guards. Their booth was on the entirely opposite side of the room from the entrance, and Dan could only see the top of Phil’s head from where he stood. He hurried around the perimeter of the sales floor, trying to avoid the thickest throngs of people to get to their booth faster. Dan glanced down at his phone as he walked, sending Louise a quick text. 

 

Dan: SOS need an opinion. 

 

He looked up to see what progress he made only to find that he was in fact closer to the booth and Phil was looking at him once more. Phil turned back to the person standing in front of him at the booth the moment Dan’s eyes met him. 

 

This was too weird. There were a million things Dan wanted to interpret this as, but he couldn’t bring himself to actually think any of them because they were too good to be true. He chose rather to leave them as abstract ideas and maybe that would help him pretend he didn’t think that maybe, just maybe something was starting to happen. But he knew nothing could happen, he knew now exactly why he shouldn’t expect it. Phil wasn’t ready for someone else, he was still hung up on someone from five years ago. It would be inconsiderate for Dan to consider making a move, now that he knew that. 

 

He greeted Phil as he normally would when he got back to the booth and carried on with his work. 

 

///

 

Louise didn’t answer Dan until nearly six that evening, when Dan and Phil were closing up shop. 

 

Lou: sorry, was working a shift. I have so much more to do without you and Phil around. Can you come home like.. now? I know you have only been there a day, but, I’m dying without you. anyway what’s up?

 

Dan looked up to make sure Phil was otherwise occupied before texting Louise back. Didn’t want to look like he was slacking off on the job. 

 

Dan: I accidentally told Phil to watch my ass.

Lou: WHAT. 

Dan: Well called him a nerd and then he said watch it and I said watch my ass and he said if I insist

Dan: but like

Dan: That’s just banter

Dan: That’s just us messing around. boys bein boys

Lou: Dan

Dan: paling around

Lou: DAN

Dan: Shootin the shit

Lou: DANIEL

Dan: like good ol guy buddy pals that are only friends do

Lou: daniel james howell

Dan: ye

Lou: Have you ever felt more full of shit in your life

Lou: have u ever felt more like if you were a river that you would be called

Lou: denial. 

Lou: honestly. 

Lou: I would think u of all ppl

Lou: the king of overanalyzing

Lou: would see there is more than buddy pal sentiments behind that reaction

Dan: SHHH

Lou: You asked for my opinion

Lou: That is my professional opinion. 

Dan: Yeah i know i was just kinda hoping u would like rain on my parade

Dan: because i don’t want to hit on someone who just told me they had their heart broken and they still aren’t over it. 

Lou: but he’s also someone who thinks that the universe has someone out there for him, and he’s open to looking for them

Lou: I’m sorry, dan my love, but the forecast is looking up for your parade i think

Dan: u really think so

Lou: i really think so

 

Dan jumped when he heard Phil cough behind him. 

 

He turned to find Phil leaning over on the counter, resting his chin in his hands, his eyes at around what would have been butt level when Dan had his back facing him. 

 

“Yes?” Dan asked, locking his phone and shoving it back into his pocket. 

“Just thought I would let you know we’re packed up.” Phil said, nonchalantly. “No thanks to you,” he added, his eyes dragging up Dan’s body and coming to rest on his face.

“I was- Um, Louise, and it was-Important,” Dan’s brain was slightly in a fog, distracted by a more pressing question. “I’m sorry, but were you checking out my ass?” 

Phil stood up straight and shrugged. “I don’t know, was I?” 

“Yes?” Dan half answered, half asked, exiting their booth and joining Phil on the other side. 

“I was only doing as I was told,” Phil answered, beginning their walk to the door. “Hey,” he said, turning to face Dan, walking backwards. “Let’s go out. Like proper go out, to a club.” 

“Shouldn’t we change first? Or maybe like, try to get a good night’s sleep?” 

Phil’s face twisted as he pretended to consider their options. “No. I want to go out. Come on, let’s go,” Phil said, smiling and sticking his tongue between his teeth as he turned to hurry out the door. 

 

Now, how could Dan say no to a face like that?


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW Emetophobia

Dan waited on the curb as Phil browsed his phone, looking for the nearest club. Finally, he settled on one a few minutes away and called a taxi. 

Dan fiddled with his phone, still a bit in shock at the whole situation. He was going to a club with his boss, whom he had had a crush on for the last four years, and who he also just caught checking out his ass, which could have meant nothing, but it also could have meant  _ something _ , and that was the issue. 

 

Dan: we are on red alert. 

Lou: why. 

Dan: i caught him checking out my butt and i called him out on it. 

Lou: AND? 

Dan And he said he was only doing as he was told. 

Lou: Well. 

Lou: I mean.

Lou: you did tell him to. So. 

Dan: YEAH but I didn’t think he actually would. 

 

The taxi pulled up, a compact car, and it was a bit of a squeeze in the backseat when they were both men over six feet tall. Dan continued texting Louise as they drove, angling his phone strategically away from Phil so he couldn’t see what he was saying. 

 

Lou: Well, dan, you’re a big boy, it’s time to learn that your actions have consequences, love

Dan: is getting my ass stared at a consequence?

Lou: Not all consequences are negative

Lou: What are you up to now

Dan: Phil wants to go to a club

Lou: What has gotten into him

Dan: God only knows. 

 

The taxi came to a slow in front of the club. 

“Tell Lou you have to go,” Phil said, smiling cheekily, paying the cabbie. 

“How’d you kn-” Dan said, but stopped when Phil nodded at something behind him. His phone was angled towards the window beside him and in the reflection, he could see clearly the mirror image of the messages on his screen. “Oh.”

“I didn’t read any of it besides the name at the top.” 

“You didn’t?” Dan sighed, relieved. 

“No, I know better than to do that. I’m a big boy. I know my actions have consequences,” Phil said, winking at Dan before getting out of the car. 

‘Oi!” Dan called after him, trying to swat at him, but missing narrowly. He stumbled out of the car after Phil, who was already several meters ahead, almost at the line to get into the club. “Was that all you read?” Dan asked breathily when he had caught up. 

“I’m afraid I haven’t the slightest idea what you’re talking about,” Phil answered slyly. 

“Yes you do,” Dan replied, a tinge of annoyance in his voice. 

Phil cocked his head innocently, raising his eyebrows, as if daring Dan to elaborate. 

 

“Nevermind. You’re infuriating,” Dan mumbled, shoving his hands in his pockets. 

“I have been told that I can be difficult to deal with,” Phil accepted, nodding. 

The line inched forward. Phil shivered. 

“Should have brought a jacket,” he speculated. Dan looked over to see goosebumps rising on the other man’s arms. 

“I said we should have gone back to the room to change. Now we’re two dorks in matching pet shop t-shirts,” Dan said, rolling his eyes. 

“No one likes an ‘I told you so,’ Daniel,” Phil said, rubbing his arms to warm them up. 

“Don’t call me Daniel.”

“Daniel.” 

“Are you twelve and a half?” 

“Maybe,” Phil said, smiling devilishly. 

“Move up,” Dan said, point to the space that had grown between them and the people in front of them. 

“Alright, Daniel,” Phil said, shuffling forward. 

“Oh my god,” Dan said. 

“Most people just call me Phil,” Phil said in response. 

“OH my GOD,” Dan huffed. 

“Really, no need to call me God, Phil is just fine,” Phil chuckled. 

“Why are you doing this?” 

“It’s fun to get a rise out of you,” Phil said, turning about face. They were at the front of the line. 

 

Once inside, they hurried to the bar. Phil got some fruity, sugary drink, while Dan went for beer again, wanting to keep it simple. He knew he could drink way more of those sugary drinks because they actually tasted nice, and he wasn’t looking to get off his face tonight. Not after how shitty he felt this morning after only being a little drunk. 

///

They had only been there for about an hour and a half, but Phil was drinking like a monster and Dan was having a hard time keeping up. He knew he shouldn’t even try to keep up, but something in him thought it would be better if they were both of their face because they had an excuse if anything got weird. And it did. 

 

They had mostly stayed at their table, which was adjacent to the dance floor, but after polishing off his third (or fourth drink, Dan had lost count) Phil got it in his head that he wanted to dance. 

 

“I wanna dance.” 

“Then do it,” Dan said, his eyes feeling slightly like he was looking out a fisheye lense on a camera instead of his own normal eyes. “Lotta people on the dance floor.” 

“No, stupid. I want to dance with _ you _ ,” Phil explained, leaning forward on the table, smiling.  

“Nuh-uh, I don’t dance,” Dan said, shaking his head, an action he immediately regretted as the room got all wobbily even though his head was still. 

“I know you can,” Phil followed, cracking a smile. 

“Not a chance,” Dan replied, feeling a giggle trying to escape his lips. “This isn’t High School Musical, Phil, you won’t get me to dance.”

“Plllleeeeassse,” Phil asked.

Dan sighed. Why did the other man have to be so damn cute and why did he have to be so damn drunk?

“One song,” Dan finally gave in. “I don’t feel so great.”

“Ok, ok, one song.” 

 

Phil lead him out on the dance floor by the wrist as Dan prayed his pulse wasn’t as fast and noticeable to Phil as it was to himself at the moment. When Phil had found an area big enough for both of them, he turned to face Dan, beginning to sway (somewhat off beat) to the music. Dan did his best to dance along, feeling very out of place. 

 

“This is lame,” Phil called over the music. “I want to dance with you,” he repeated. “Like this.” Phil reached forward and hooked his fingers through Dan’s belt loops, pulling close  him so there was only a centimeter of space, if that, between them. 

 

Dan’s breath hitched as Phil wrapped his arms around his neck, keeping him close. Unsure of what else to do, Dan wrapped his arms around Phil’s waist, his whole body burning with how close Phil was. He could barely bring himself to look Phil in the eye, but when he did, he saw the other man’s eyes fixed to his own mouth and he realized that there was so little space between them, all he would have to do is lean forward and close it, he would barely have to move to finally feel Phil’s lips against his own. He began to close his eyes and lean in, but suddenly pushed Phil away with both hands, doubling over and vomiting on the dance floor. 

 

Of course, he thought. Of course, right now this happened. 

 

“Dan!” Phil said, hurrying back to his side, placing his hand on the small of his back. “Are you ok? Are you alright? What happened?” 

“I told you,” Dan laughed, weakly, “I don’t feel well.” 

“I’m calling a cab,” Phil said. “Come on, we’re going back.” He wrapped his arm around Dan’s waist, taking Dan’s arm and draping it over his shoulder. His eyes were bright, suddenly sobered with what seemed to be fear for Dan. 

“Phil, I’m fine, I’m just drunk,” Dan slurred. 

“I know,” Phil said. “But I’m pretty sure you, and everyone else here, would prefer if you puked back at our hotel in the bathroom and not on the dance floor.” 

“I guess you’re right,” Dan said after a moment’s thought, allowing Phil to guide him out to the street. 

The cool air hit him like a ton of bricks as they exited the club, not really helping his situation. Now he as just doubly uncomfortable, cold and nauseated. 

Phil quickly called a cab, urging them to hurry, that it was a minor emergency. 

 

Dan’s stomach lurched again, causing him to jolt a little bit, but he was able to hold it down. He was somewhat embarrassed and he didn’t want to vomit with Phil literally holding him up. 

 

“Hey, let it out if it comes up, ok?” Phil said softly. “Better out than in, alright? Your body is trying to get it out for a reason.” 

“But it’s gross,” Dan whined. 

“Yeah, but you’re human and sometimes humans vom. It’s a fact of life,” Phil replied. He tightened his grip around Dan. 

“I feel really poorly,” Dan whispered, half hoping Phil wouldn’t hear him. 

“I’m sorry. I’ve got you,” Phil murmured, looking at Dan, and then out to the street, an eye out for the cab. “Don’t worry. I’ve got you,” he repeated. 

Dan let his body settle against Phil’s, closing his eyes and allowing himself to, for just a moment, enjoy feeling protected by Phil’s presence. 

///

 

Dan had thrown up in the cab on the way home and the cabbie had yelled at him. Phil had yelled back and Dan felt slightly embarrassed to be causing a scene, but happy to see Phil getting so worked up over someone mistreated him. He had never heard Phil cuss so much, but he supposed it was just the fact that he was still loosened up from all the liquor, only partially sobered by his desire to make sure that Dan was alright. 

 

“He’s fucking sick, ok? Fuck off, yeah?” 

“He’s not sick, he’s drunk, and now I can’t drive anyone else tonight because my car fuckin stinks, right? Tell your boyfriend to go to hell. You fa-” 

“Oh, get fucked, you asshole,” Phil cut him off before he could finish, throwing a wad of cash that definitely surpassed what he owed him and storming off, a very sick feeling Dan in tow. 

 

“You didn’t have to yell at him,” Dan said. 

“I did. Now, come on,” Phil said, hurrying through the hotel lobby and up to their room. “Pajamas,” he ordered, pointing to the pajamas on the floor next to Dan’s bed. 

Dan groaned at the thought of extra movement.

“Now, Dan,” Phil said, sternly, going to the bathroom and taking the glass that was by the sink. He filled it with water and brought it back out to Dan, finding him still fully dressed, lying face down on the floor. 

“Don’t make me undress you, Daniel Howell,” Phil threatened. 

“Is that a promise?” Dan asked, his words slurring together despite his efforts to make himself sound sober. 

“Dan.”

“I’m doing it, I’m doing it,” Dan huffed, rolling onto his back and unbuttoning his jeans, pushing them down his legs and off his feet. He sat up with great effort and pulled off his shirt, then he turned and grabbed the pajama pants from the floor next to him. He pulled them on then collapsed back onto the floor.

“You need to drink this water, Dan,” Phil insisted, sitting on the floor next to him. “Come on, sit up.”

“You need to drink water,” Dan retorted, making no motion to sit up. 

“That’s true, if I don’t I’ll have a headache, but you’ll have a worse one because not only will you be dehydrated from drinking, but you also vomited. Twice. And it was a lot both times.” 

“Since when are you such a grown up,” Dan groaned, sitting up. 

“Since you turned into a six-foot-three baby that’s lying on the floor,” Phil retorted, handing Dan the glass. 

“Touche,” Dan said, taking a sip of water. “Fuck.”

“You gonna go again?’ 

Dan nodded, scared that if he opened his mouth, he wouldn’t be able to hold it back. 

“Ok, stand up, stand up, stand up,” Phil said, hopping up much quicker than Dan was able to. He held his hands out to Dan, who took them gratefully. “Come on, you can make it.” 

 

Once Dan was up, he hurried to the bathroom, Phil leading him the whole way, one hand on the small of his back, one on his shoulder. Dan speed up once he was over the threshold of the bathroom door, falling to his knees in front of the toilet, opening the lid and letting it go. 

“You don’t have to stay here,” Dan said breathing heavily and flushing the toilet. “I know it’s gross. If you just bring me my phone I can hang out in here for a while.” 

“I wanna make sure you’re ok,” Phil responded, unmoving from where he leaned against the bathroom counter. 

“Phil, I know it stinks in here and I’m gross and you probably want to barf yourself watching me, so go ahead and go out there and watch TV or something. I’m ok,” Dan insisted, closing his eyes and resting his forehead on the edge of the toilet, trying not to think about all the germs currently crawling onto his skin. 

“I just want to take care of you. Can you let me do that?” Phil asked. 

 

His voice sounded so sincere that Dan had to open his eyes again, despite how the room was spinning, just to see the expression on the other man’s face. His eyes were so kind, so soft, a shy smile on his lips. 

Dan took a deep breath, mulling it over. What harm could it do, besides make Phil grossed out by him eternally? 

“Yeah, alright,” Dan agreed. 

 

Phil smiled and slid down to the floor, leaning his back against the cabinets under the hotel sink. “Thanks,” Phil said. 

Dan just smiled at him, noting how a week ago he would never have guessed he would end up on drunk on a bathroom floor with Phil Lester, barfing his brains out.


	9. Chapter 9

Dan woke in his bed, not quite remembering how he got there. The night before was somewhat of a haze, but three things stood out. The first was evident from the taste in his mouth. He had thrown up. A lot. In front of Phil. The second thing he remembered was that Phil had been there the whole time, even in the bathroom when he was vomitting. 

 

The last… The last he was less sure about. He remembered Phil being close, so close to him that he could feel his breath against his own cheek, that they were close enough to kiss. 

 

But they didn’t. 

He was sure of that. 

 

Phil was still asleep when Dan turned to look at him. He decided he would let Phil sleep in as late as he could, anyway, their alarms hadn’t even gone off. He took his phone from the nightstand, where he didn’t remember setting it and checked the time. It was six o seven in the morning, a full fifty-three minutes before they had to wake up. Dan knew he wouldn’t be falling asleep now. His head was pulsing with the dull thud of a headache that wasn’t as bad as it could have been; he must have been good about rehydrating last night. The skin on his face felt tight and puffy. He wanted nothing more than to take a nice shower, so he got out of bed and he did. 

 

He got dressed quietly when he finished, forgoing blow drying his hair and letting it dry naturally, despite how much he hated the way it would look. In the bedroom, he heard the alarm on Phil’s phone sounding. He checked his own phone, thinking that it felt too early for Phil to be getting up. It was only six forty-five. 

 

Dan cracked the bathroom door and looked out into the semidark room. Phil was still asleep in his bed, lying on his side almost in the fetal position, his alarm silenced. Dan tip toed the side of Phil’s bed and contemplated waking him. He had set an alarm that early for a reason, Dan was sure, but he couldn’t help but wonder if the reason was actually worth losing sleep over. He sat on the edge of the bed, his weight slightly shifting the mattress. 

 

“Phil,” he whispered, not really making an effort to wake him. 

 

Phil stirred slightly but didn’t open his eyes. 

 

“Phil, wake up,” he said, slightly louder. 

 

Phil groaned, his brow furrowing. 

 

“Come on, don’t be a baby,” Dan laughed. 

 

Phil’s brow unwrinkled as he smiled at the sound of Dan’s voice.  He hummed in slight protest. 

 

“Come on,” Dan said, shaking his shoulder. ‘Your alarm has already gone off.” 

 

Phil opened one eye unenthusiastically. He shifted to lie on his back, Dan’s hand falling from his shoulder and landing to rest on his chest before pulling away entirely. 

 

“Phil.”

 

He opened both eyes. 

 

“Hey, you” he said, his voice gravelly with sleep. 

 

Dan’s stomach tightened, and he hoped his face didn’t give away how utterly earth shattering Phil’s voice had just been. Who knew two little words like hey you could ruin your entire life? Well, Dan did, now. 

 

“You feeling better?” Phil asked, propping himself up on his elbows. 

 

“Yeah. Everything’s kinda fuzzy from last night, to be honest though,” Dan added. 

“Oh.” Phil answered, a little light going from his eyes. ‘Yeah, me too.” 

 

Dan didn’t believe a word of that. Something in the other man’s voice told him that if anything, he remembered far more than Dan did, if not all of it. And he felt as though, maybe, he was also thinking about the almost kiss that they had shared the night before. If it had really happened at all. 

Dan was struck with the sickening thought that maybe the memory was actually whatever the drunken equivalent of a fever dream was, that it hadn’t happened at all, and that he had imagined it, that Phil hadn’t made a move on him. He was torn from his thoughts when Phil spoke again.

 

“Dan, I don’t wanna go to the expo,” Phil sighed, falling back into his pillow. 

“Well, you have to.” 

“I know.” 

“Get ready.”

“Yes, mum,” Phil said, rolling his eyes. 

“Do not call me mum,” Dan ordered. 

“Dad?” 

“Worse.”

“How about yes, dear?” 

“I can live with it.” 

Phil smiled sunnily, for someone who had been out all night drinking then watched their friend vomit for a good hour, but Dan was happy to see the look on his face. They got ready and hurried to the expo, dreading the long day ahead of them. 

////

 

“We’re leaving,” Phil declared around one in the afternoon. 

‘It’s the middle of the day,” Dan pointed out, looking around the bustling expo hall. 

“Yep, and I am the boss, and I say we’re leaving. I didn’t have time to shower today, I can feel the alcohol sweats from last night sticking to my skin, and if I have to talk to one more customer today, I will actually die, so we are leaving,” Phil concluded, beginning to pack up. 

“You got it, boss man,” Dan said, following suit. 

 

When they returned to the hotel, Phil made good on his word about taking a shower. Dan switched on some cooking show, the only thing that was barely watchable on TV in the middle of the day. He surfed the internet on his phone, just kind of letting his brain and body rest from the emotionally and physically harrowing events from the night before. 

 

He kept having flashes from the night before, Phil pulling him closer by the belt loops, Phil’s arms around his neck, Phil not backing away when he leaned in to kiss him. Then other things as well, Phil yelling at the cabbie for him, bringing him water, guiding him to the bathroom, sitting on the floor with him. 

 

He decided he was going to say something. He couldn’t just here and analyze everything to death. He was going to ask Phil. 

 

He was startled from his thoughts by a phone ringing. It wasn’t his own, as that lie dormant in his hand. He saw Phil’s phone lighting up from where it lay on his duvet, Martyn’s name flashing across the screen. He decided to answer, in case it was something important and business related. 

“Hello?”

“How is your company funded week long date going?”

“Oh my god, how did you even know this was me and not Phil?”

“Who is this?” 

“Dan? Obviously.”

“I know.” Martyn responded  tentatively. “I was just joking.” He didn’t sound very amused. “Where’s Phil?”

“Shower.”

“And why are you answering?” 

“Because I saw that it was you and figured it was store business.”

“You know, apart from being my colleague, Phil is also my brother, right? We talk about other things.” 

“Phil has other interests besides work?” Dan asked  jokingly. 

“I am not at liberty to disclose,” Martyn said, jokingly mysterious. “Tell me to call him when he get’s out.” 

‘Will do.”

 

Dan hang up without so much as a goodbye before turning back to the TV. He watched undisturbed for ten whole minutes when a thought occurred to him. What if Martyn hadn’t recognized his voice and the call was for Phil all along? 

 

Dan began to feel in his gut that maybe Louise was right. Maybe, just maybe, things were looking up. 

 

////

 

They were at outside of some boba place drinking their bubble teas and watching people walk by on the street. 

 

“We aren’t going out tonight,” Dan said firmly. 

“No, no, I know we are not going out tonight. Like for a civilized dinner, yes. But nothing else. I’m sticking to like water and caffeine for at least the next three days,” Phil agreed. He thought over what he said then spoke again. “Maybe two,” he amended. “Wouldn’t want to waste my last night in London sober.” 

“Is that really wasting it?” Dan asked, chewing on a boba. “Like, at least you’ll remember it.” 

“You have a point,” Phil nodded, then returned to chasing a boba through the ice at the bottom of his cup, attempting to suck it up the straw. 

Dan couldn’t help but laugh at the other man’s struggle. It was just so ridiculously cute to see a grown man struggle with something so simple as a straw. 

“Shut up,” Phil said, giving up and shooting Dan a playful smile. 

“I didn’t say anything,” Dan pointed out. 

“No, you never say anything but I swear, you think so much and so hard, I can hear the thoughts whirring in your head,” Phil said, setting his cup on the table in front of him. 

 

‘Is that a bad thing?” 

“No,” Phil decided. “No, it’s not bad. I just wish I knew what you were thinking.” 

“A lot of things,” Dan shrugged. 

“Tell me something real for once,” Phil said, leaning forward and locking eyes with Dan. 

“Like- Like what?” Dan stuttered. He couldn’t deny that today was, at the risk of sounding like Winnie the Pooh, a very thoughtful day for him, but that was just because there was so much presented to him in the last few days that he had yet to figure out. He couldn’t help but have the strange, foggy memories of what may or may not have almost happened last night and then the phone call with Martyn. He couldn’t drive them from his head, no matter how hard he tried, and he supposed it would be rather easy for Phil to pick up how stuck in his own head he was today. 

 

“I don’t know. It doesn’t have to be complicated. I don’t know I just want you to give me a straight answer about something. I feel like whenever I ask you a question, you sit there and mull it over so hard that I never get an actual raw answer from you.”

“So ask me something,” Dan said, his throat tightening. This couldn’t be good. 

“Ok. Where do you see your life going in the future?” Phil asked, the question leaving his mouth as quickly as Dan offered him the opportunity to ask it. 

“Fuck,” Dan said, leaning back in his chair. He had been expecting something different, maybe something more along the lines of where his brain had been stuck all day, but he guessed he should of known better. Of course Phil wasn’t thinking about relationship stuff. Why would he be?  “I don’t know, I guess.”

“You have to see something. Like if you think about your future, what do you see? A family? A job? Everybody sees something, no matter how vague the notion. wI’ve seen you stare off into space, I know that you daydream about something.”

 

“Yeah, I daydream about a future, but not like the real future. Not like kids and jobs. I daydream about like, dates and holidays that I could potentially go one with.. Someone,” Dan stammered, somewhat shocked. “Thinking about kids gives me anxiety, to be honest,” he continued, feeling himself open up. 

 

‘Why’s that?” 

 

‘Well, I guess it depends on who I end up with, but I guess natural conception is only an option in one scenario, but in another scenario, I would have to choose adoption or surrogacy, and if we choose surrogacy we have to choose who’s the kids actual DNA parent and it’s just too much to think about right now, so I don’t know if I want a family. It’s a nice idea as long as I don’t have to think about the whole conception business. Or like… Obtaining the kid,” Dan explained. 

‘Wait, why isn’t natural conception always an option?” Phil asked, confused. 

“Oh. Because I’m bi.You know. Whoever I fall in love with might not be a girl.”

“Oh.. Right. I knew that. Did I know that?’ Phil asked, slightly rambley. 

“It’s not a secret, but I mean, it’s never come up, at least with you. Louise knows. Martyn knows. Pretty much everyone at the shop knows. I figured you knew,” Dan said, trying to hide the fact that his heart was pounding out of his chest. He chewed on his straw. 

 

“I don’t think I knew that. How could everyone know and not me?” 

 

“You never really got caught up in company gossip, did you? You’ve always kind of stayed distant. I don’t know, all of the employees have agreed that you kind of have made it clear that you don’t really want to know us outside of a working capacity, even though you haven’t said as much,” Dan said. “We figured it was just something you left unspoken, but felt all the same.”

“What?”

“What do you mean what?” Dan asked, utterly confused. 

“You mean the reason you are all so distant with me and buddy buddy with Martyn is that you thought I have some unspoken desire for you lot to leave me alone?” Phil asked, his mouth left agape in shock at the end of his question. 

“Well, yeah,” Dan affirmed. 

“I’m just fucking shy!” Phil said, somewhat exasperated. “I thought you all hated me!”

“Not at all! I have wanted to be your friend since the first time I talked to you,” Dan said, the words tumbling from his mouth in an unstoppable stream. “Wanting to get to know you was the reason I even applied at Pet Castle in the first place. Of course we don’t hate you.” 

“You’re telling me you applied two years ago to try and be my friend and in that time we’ve only properly hung out outside of work stuff twice? And even then, it was just in the last week?” Phil asked. 

“You weren’t very receptive to my friendship beams,” Dan said, knowing the argument was weak, if it qualified as an argument at all, but he wasn’t going to say the real reason. He wasn’t about to openly admit the reason he wasn’t pursuing friendship extremely hard was that he was intimidated by the feelings that he felt towards Phil. 

 

“Yeah well, they weren’t very strong because I didn’t feel them at all,” Phil said. “Except recently.” 

“If you thought I hated you, why did you invite me on this trip?” Dan asked, realizing that none of this really made sense now. 

“Well,” Phil said, fidgeting with his hands as though he was trying to find the best way to word what he was going to see next. “I guess I had told Martyn that I wanted to bring one of you younger kids to the expo this year as like… kind of a test run to see if we wanted to take on any of you three on as an intern to eventually become a manager when we become owners. And I told Martyn that you seemed to be the most promising of the three so I wanted to bring you. But then I scrapped the whole idea and just decided that me and Martyn would go together and leave you lot in charge, but Martyn was super against it for some reason, insisting that I bring you and just flat out refused to go with me on the grounds that you three would burn the store to the ground or something.”

 

“So Martyn was really for you bringing me, eh?” Dan asking trying to contain the knowing smile he felt spreading across his lips. That sneaky bastard. Martyn was nothing if not a pretty decent wingman… If you whined to him for two consecutive years in order to make him annoyed enough to do something for you. 

“Yeah, I mean, it was my idea, but Martyn did a lot to make it happen,” Phil confirmed.

 

Dan suddenly realized what Phil had said in the middle of that long explanation. Internship. To be a manager. To run the store, essentially. The thought both petrified and comforted him. If Phil did end up offering him an internship, and eventually a job higher up in the company, he kind of had the next few years of his life figured out. But if he accepted, he would be stuck in his hometown at a job he started as a teenager for the rest of his life, and the idea of that scared him. Not that Pet Castle wasn’t a good company, he just always saw himself leaving one day. Coming to a big city, maybe even leaving England, moving to New York or Los Angeles, or if he was feeling really crazy, Tokyo. This would be cementing him where he was for a while. 

 

“You’re thinking again,” Phil stated, and Dan looked up to find the other many studying his face intently. 

“I was just thinking,” Dan began, “About that whole internship thing.” 

“Oh yeah,” Phil blushed. ‘Let that slip, didn’t I?”

“Yeah,” Dan said. ‘So what’s the verdict?” he asked, a pit forming in his stomach. If Phil said yes, he didn’t know what he would say, but if he said the deal was off, he would be absolutely crushed. 

“Well, uh,” Phil stuttered. “I wasn’t going to ask you quite yet, but I was going to offer it to you, yeah. It seemed a bit early on in the trip to ask. Would you take it? If I did?” 

 

Dan decided to shut off his brain for two seconds and just let whatever come out of his mouth come out. He decided for once in his life his brain could shut up and let his heart talk without ruining everything by over analyzing. “Yes,” he heard the words escape from his lips and watched Phil’s eyes light up like they were filled with stars. 

“Really?” Phil asked, barely containing his excitement. 

“Yeah,” Dan said nodding, smiling at how positively the other man reacted. You would have thought he just proposed and had gotten a yes. Dan swiftly pushed that analogy from his mind and focused back on what has happening in front of him. 

 

The next thing Dan knew, Phil was hugging him. He wasn't sure how to react, shocked into immobility for a second, but then reciprocating. Phil pulled away and settled back into his chair after a moment. 

 

“Sorry,” Phil said sheepishly. “I was just so worried you’d say no.”

“I could never say no to you… guys,” Dan added, stuttering awkwardly. “You and Martyn, I mean. You Lester boys. My pet shop family,” he rambled, cringing as the words left his mouth. 

“Oh and here I thought I was special,” Phil pouted. 

“You are! I just,” Dan stammered, not knowing how finish without giving himself away, letting his words trail off.

“You're closer to Martyn, I know,” Phil said, his smile becoming tight. 

“That’s not it at all. Sure, Martyn and I talk more, but I don’t feel closer to him, really,” Dan clarified. “You must be special, because I already feel like I’ve known you forever,” Dan said, his gaze falling to his own hands, which sat in his lap fidgeting. 

“Well I mean, apart from the fact where we actually have known each other for four years, I think I get what you mean,” Phil replied. Dan couldn’t bring himself to look Phil in the eye at the moment; he was too scared that his eyes would give away what he was thinking and then Phil would know, but he knew that Phil was smiling. He could feel it. 

“You wanna head back to the room and watch a show or something, rest up before dinner?” Phil asked, breaking the silence that had settled between them. 

“Yeah, that sounds nice,” Dan agreed. 

“Alright then,” Phil said, standing up. “Let’s get a move on.”


	10. Chapter 10

The place Phil had picked for dinner was far too fancy, but he claimed that they were celebrating Dan’s new position in the company. He was glad that he had decided to pack those button ups after all, because they had come in handy. 

 

The restaurant was one of those overly trendy ones that were trying to be too many things at once. Too many types of food to do them all really well, but they did well enough to stay in the public sphere as a cool place to go. The music was kind of loud for a restaurant in Dan’s opinion, and he had a hard time hearing Phil over the music. He also felt like he was in some weird dream world as the ambient lighting they had chosen made everything look slightly blue. Ironically, they had been seated in a booth just across from a wall length floor to ceiling aquarium. 

 

“Fitting,” Phil had said with a smile, his eyes scanning over the different fish that swam behind the glass. “I hope they’re well looked after.”

Dan scanned over them as well, checking for any abnormalities, tumors, fin rot, anything else that would indicate that they were mistreated, and came to a conclusion. ‘They look pretty healthy,” Dan replied. 

“That’s true,” Phil said, smiling and turning to the menu. 

 

“No booze,” Dan warned, giving Phil a scolding look, even though the older man hadn’t mentioned anything of the sort. 

“After the barforama I sat through last night? Definitely not,” Phil agreed, looking down his nose at Dan in mock disapproval. 

“I thought you didn’t remember much from last night,” Dan said. “I was hoping the whole sitting with me as I puked was part of the stuff you forgot.” 

“You seem to remember more than you let on as well,” Phil said, sitting up straighter but eyes fixed on the list of entrees in front of him. 

“It came back throughout the day,” Dan admitted. 

“Oh yeah?”

“I remember most of the night now,” Dan continued, trying to decide if now was the time to bring up the prepuke almost kiss. Or what he thought was almost a kiss. The possible super drunk misinterpretation.

 

Phil looked up, seemingly sensing Dan’s gaze, and met eyes with the other man. His eye flitted to a space next to Dan’s head for a moment, then back to Dan’s face, then in the most minute double take Dan had ever seen, back to the space next to Dan’s had, as though he had just come to fully register what was there. 

 

“Fuck.” Phil’s eyes widened like a deer in the headlights. 

“What?” Dan said turning to look behind him. There was nothing but the maitre d’ and some people waiting to be seated, a couple who looked to be in their thirties and some younger women. None of them looked particularly threatening. 

“Carter,” Phil said, the name sounding sour, as though he couldn’t stand the taste of it in his mouth. 

“Who?” Dan asked, but he had a feeling he already knew. 

“The guy, Dan, it’s the guy. Fuck. I had heard that he was in London a few years back, but it’s a big fucking city, what are the odds. Fuck. We need to leave, but we can’t until he’s out of the fucking entrance. Shit. We have to wait for him to sit down and then we’re bolting” Phil said, his eyes still trained on the other man. 

“Right, right, good plan,” Dan said, turning to look behind him once more. The only man in the waiting room was part of the mid-thirties couple. He was blonde, and personally, Dan didn’t feel like there was much to look at, and he knew that there wasn’t at least a nice personality behind it. Maybe if he didn’t know what kind of person he was, Dan would find him attractive. But now, he just looked like a stiff, hollow, business manly shell sitting with a women who shared his emptiness. His eyes were fixed to his phone, which lit up his face in a white electronic light, which mixed with the blue lighting of the restaurant, made his face appear sallow, almost undead. Dan hated him. The had only been looking at him for maybe ten seconds, but in that time, his gut had churned into a whirlpool of utter disgust and if he had been someone who liked to cause a scene, he would have gone over and clocked the bastard straight in the nose. But he wasn’t that type of guy, and he had never punched anyone before, so he wasn’t sure he would even be able to do it very well. He turned back to Phil, who was staring down at the table, breathing unevenly. 

 

“I don’t know. Fuck, Dan, I can’t breathe. What does a panic attack feel like? Does it feel like you can’t breathe? What if he sees us while he’s getting seating. Dan, what if he talks to us.” 

 

Dan mind raced. How could he make these next few minutes a little bit better for Phil? He had an idea. 

 

“Get up and let me in,” Dan ordered, standing up and coming over to Phil’s side of the booth. 

 

“Why?” 

“Just let me take care of you, ok?” Dan said, giving Phil a pleading look. 

Phil said nothing, but obliged. 

“Why couldn’t you just sat on the outside?” 

“I want your back facing out,” Dan explained.

“What, like face you?” Phil asked. His face was still pale as though he had seen a ghost. In some ways, he had. 

“Exactly. He can’t talk to you if he doesn’t recognize you. I mean he still might, but you’re hair has changed since then I think, and I mean, he can’t of spent too much time staring at the back of your head.  Can I touch you?” Dan asked, feeling slightly odd taking charge of the situation, but he couldn’t stand to see Phil this freaked out. 

“Yeah,” Phil nodded, and Dan thought maybe he was catching onto Dan’s plan. 

 

Dan positioned himself their hips were close to one another but so they still had enough space between them to turn to face each other. He pulled one of Phil’s arms around his shoulder and brought his own hand up to Phil’s face and cupped his cheek, running his thumb across his cheekbone, trying his best to block most of Phil’s profile from anyone who should walk by. 

 

“Just pretend you’re on a date with me, alright? He hasn’t seen us yet, I’ll see if he looks our way, but I want you to pretend I’m the only person in the room that matters, ok? I don’t think he’d bug you if he thought you were on a date,” Dan said softly, smiling in a way that could have been mistaken as lovingly from afar, but what was really just an apologetic smile. 

“Yeah, ok, I can do that, ” Phil breathed, swallowing loudly. His eyes darted all over Dan’s face as though he couldn’t decide on where to settle. 

“Phil, focus. Look me in the eye,” Dan said. 

Phil’s eyes met Dan’s and Dan tried with all his might to ignore how easy it would be to kiss Phil right now just for the fuck of it, just to make Carter jealous or to make him think that Phil had moved on. But he knew that he would be doing it more for himself than he would be for Phil. And if he had to kiss Phil, would he want the first and possibly only time to be under these circumstances? He pushed his selfish thoughts aside and focused on making sure Phil felt safe, that Phil felt alright. 

“I’m the only person here right now, yeah? It’s just you and me,” Dan said, trying to smile his warmest smile. 

“It’s just you and me,” Phil repeated. 

“And I’ve got you, alright? Don’t worry. I’ve got you,” Dan said firmly. 

Phil’s  body relaxed at Dan’s words, his breathing becoming more steady. 

 

“Tell me what you want me to talk about, what would make you feel better?” Dan asked. 

He felt his eyes drift away from Phil’s for a moment, checking on Carter’s progress in being seated. The hostess had just called his party and they were making their way through the restaurant, on a path that was thankfully pretty far from where he sat with Phil. He must have been looking too long, though, because Carter seemed to sense his gaze and began scanning the room for it’s source. 

 

“Stop looking at him,” Phil startled Dan out of his thoughts. 

Dan refocused his gaze to meet Phil’s. “Sorry,” Dan said, smiling weakly. 

“I know you’re just trying to keep track of where he is,” Phil whispered. “But you’re eyes got all weird and dark and honestly, it looked like you wanted to kill him, and you’re such a sweet kid, I don’t want to see you look like that because of me.” 

“It’s not because of you, it’s because what that asshole did to you,” Dan responded. “And I care about you- your feelings,” he finished with a stutter. He broke eye contact with Phil, not wanting to see the way the other man’s eyebrow cocked at the way he had just sputtered out the words, and how he had quite obviously been about to say something else. He let his eyes fall back to Carter, who was now seated and staring at him, a ghost of a smile on his lips. He knew. He definitely knew who Dan was nose to nose with, and he also definitely knew that Dan knew who he was. Dan supposed he wasn’t doing the best job of hiding his disgust towards the other man, but how could he? He was the scum of the earth, as far as Dan was concerned. 

He watched as Carter waved a server over to his table, maintaining eye contact with Dan as he asked the server for something, then motioned towards their table across the room. 

“Fuck, Phil, I think he just ordered us something or he’s sending us something, I don’t know.” 

“Shit,” Phil breathed. “Okay, okay, let’s go,” he decided nodding. 

 

But it was too late. The service in this place was unfortunately fast. The waiter had appeared at their table, a no doubt expensive bottle of wine in hand. 

“This is from the gentleman over there,” he told them over the music. “He said send my love to the lovebirds.” 

 

Dan didn’t know what came over him. He took the wine from the waiter, smiling so wide that it was nearly scary. 

“I’ll go thank him,” he nodded, signaling the waiter to leave. “Get up, Phil,” he asked, grinding his teeth together to conceal just how livid he was with the piece of shit that sat across the room watching them. 

‘Dan, what are you going to do?’ Phil asked, tentative. 

“We’re leaving aren’t we?” 

“But we aren’t taking the wine with us.”

“No, I am just going to return it to the man who paid for it.” 

Phil stood up reluctantly, watching Dan with a wary eye. Dan smiled at him, this time genuinely, then picked up the wine and marched across the room. 

 

Carter looked surprised to see Dan at the side of his table when he arrived. 

 

“Oh. If it isn’t Phil’s little boy toy. Just how old are you? Eighteen? I supposed he learned from me,” Carter said, with an oily smile. 

“I’m twenty,” Dan lied, feeling rather childish having to proclaim his age. “You’re Carter, right?” 

“The one and only,” Carter replied, holding out his hands as though he felt Dan should be impressed by him. Everything about him felt dirty, the way his eyes skimmed over Dan’s body, the way they flitted back behind him to Phil. Dan turned to see that Phil had followed him and was only a few feet away, looking around nervously.  He had only come over to return the wine, but he had had enough. 

“Well, Carter. Thank you dearly for sending us your love, but this is what we think of it.”    
  


Before he could stop himself, he took the wine bottle and tipped it over the man’s head, letting a generous amount pour out, enough to soak his blonde hair to a strange pinkish color, then set the bottle down on the table. He turned to Carter’s date. “Sorry to ruin your evening, but he ruined a good portion of the man I care about’s life, so. What goes around comes around,” he said, giving her an acid smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes.

 

He turned to see the waitstaff hurrying over. 

“Sir, I am going to have to ask you to-” 

“Don’t worry, I am on my way out. Sorry about the mess, but it was for a good cause,” he said, truly apologetic. 

He finally made his way all the way back to Phil, who stood mouth agape.

“We have to leave,” Dan said, smiling at Phil. “Sorry for making a scene, but-”

“You are the  _ best  _ human on this planet,” Phil interrupted. “No one has ever stood up for me like that. Thank you,” he finished. “Now, let’s get out of here.” 

 

“You’re welcome,” Dan was barely able to stutter before Phil was dragging him out of the restaurant, followed by several waitstaff telling them that they were, unfortunately, not welcome back. 

 

“Yeah, well who want’s to eat in a place that serves fuckfaces like that guy,” Dan called behind him. 

“Shut up,” Phil whispered, pulling Dan out of the restaurant by his wrist. 

“Where are we going to go?” Dan asked, letting Phil lead him, not looking back at the restaurant through the window at Carter, even though he wanted to. 

“Well, I am still buying you dinner, aren’t I? I mean, in celebration of your new position in the company, and also as a thank you doing something I wish I had had the guts to do. I saw a pizza place down the street. Wanna go?” 

“I am always up for pizza,” Dan agreed. 

 

They fell into step next to each other, shoulders brushing as they walked, very little space between them all though the pavement wasn’t at all crowded. Dan chastised himself for noticing every small contact his arm made with the other man, telling himself he shouldn’t care. 

They ordered two slices of pizza each, taking them on little trays and going to the back corner of the pizza joint. The table they chose was in the farthest corner. It had a short leg and wobbled when ever one of them changed their distribution of weight or lifted their elbows. It would have annoyed Dan, if he hadn’t been so concentrated on eating. It turns out that revenge makes you very, very hungry. Neither of them spoke until they had both finished their food, but even then, the silence was not an uncomfortable one. 

 

“The hotel isn’t that far, do you want to walk?” Phil asked once he had finished chewing his last bite. 

 

Dan thought about it for a moment, decided that it wasn’t too cold out, and agreed. “Yeah, sure,” he smiled. 

“If there is a Starbucks on the way we need to stop so we can get a hot cocoa,” Phil insisted as they left the pizza joint. 

“I’m pretty sure I saw one,” Dan assured him, walking through the door that Phil held open for him.

“Good,” Phil nodded. 

 

Sure enough, a couple blocks down the road, there stood a Starbucks, the familiar smell of coffee and pastries a siren call luring them off the street and into the store. 

They each got hot chocolate, Phil’s with extra whipped cream. Dan added cinnamon to his, which Phil thought was weird, but Dan really enjoyed. With the drinks now in hand they began to walk back to the hotel once more. 

“So.. the man you care about, huh?” Phil said, taking a sip from his cocoa. 

“Huh?” Dan asked, a bit taken aback. 

‘You told Carter he ruined a good portion of the man you cared about’s life. Was that part of the act or was it true?” Phil asked. 

“You heard that, huh?” 

“I’m pretty sure everyone heard it, Dan, you sort of stole the attention of the whole room.” 

“Right.” 

“So? Act or truth?” 

“I couldn’t act that well if I tried. I care about you a little bit. A lot, actually,” Dan responded, his voice barely above a whisper. 

“Oh,” was all Phil said. Dan looked up at the other man to gauge his reaction. Seemingly, against all odds, he was smiling. 

“What?” Dan asked, his heart rate quickening. 

“Nothing, just… I care about you, too. A little bit, a lot,” Phil answered.

 

Dan stopped in his tracks and stared at Phil, who stopped about a foot ahead of him, turning around to watch him, waiting for him to start walking again. His mind was racing. Surely, Phil knew that he meant he cared about him as more than a friend, how else could what he said be interpreted, but part of him said maybe Phil was just confused. Maybe he thought that Dan just meant he’s important to him as a friend. He felt like he literally could not move, he had no idea what to make of this. It just seemed too simple. 

 

“I swear to god if you don’t stop thinking and just do someth-” 

 

Dan cut Phil off with a kiss. It was soft at first, because Dan wasn’t completely sure that Phil wanted it to be happening. Phil breathed in sharply, as if surprised, but relaxed into him. Dan contemplated dropping his cocoa, but decided that would be too wasteful, instead just wrapping his free arm around Phil’s waist, pulling him closer. After a moment, he felt Phil’s hand in his hair. Phil deepened the kiss, in a way that was hungry, almost desperate. In a way that told Dan he wanted this just as badly. 

 

When they both pulled away for air, Phil chuckled and asked, “What the hell took you so long?“


	11. Chapter 11

 

“What do you mean what took me so long, you haven’t exactly seemed too interested the last four years,” Dan retorted, his arm still around Phil’s waist, hoping Phil couldn’t feel how his whole body was shaking from the adrenaline rush he was going through right now, or at least, he thought he was shaking, those things were always more pronounced when you were the person it was happening to. 

“Four years? I meant the last four days. What do you mean four years?” 

“Why the fuck do you think I have been hanging around the shop since I was fifteen, Phil? I am not that interested in fish, I’ll tell you that,” Dan scoffed. He honestly couldn’t believe the words that were leaving his mouth, and he honestly couldn’t believe that same mouth had been kissing Phil only moments before. 

“I always thought that you had a crush on Martyn,” Phil said, letting his hand fall to his side. “And that’s why you talked to him so much.” Phil was smiling sheepishly. 

“No, you idiot, I was always talking to Martyn to try to figure you out,” Dan admitted. “I mean, I always knew that I was too young for you, or,  I thought that I was too young for you, but I mean, now..” His voice trailed off. He took his hand from Phil’s waist, not because he felt that Phil wanted him to move it, but because he needed to fidget. His tongue felt like it was burning, having said the thing it had been holding back for so many years now. He felt oddly empty, hyper aware of the space in his chest that had been tight for so long in keeping this secret and how now it was gone,  but he also felt good. It felt so good to have it out in the open. 

 

They stood there for a minute before Phil spoke again. 

“Remember how I said four days?” 

“About thirty seconds ago? Yes, unlike most of your other friends, I am not a goldfish,” Dan replied. 

“Well, um, it’s been more than that. It’s been since that night in the pump room,” he finished. He began walking off towards the direction of their hotel. Dan followed. 

“You still remember that?” 

“Of course I do. You were all flustered. You were cute. And.. And,” Phil trailed off. Dan looked over to a blush coloring the other man’s cheeks. 

“And what?” 

“And I knew you were checking me out,” Phil mumbled. “So you could say that for the last few months, I’ve been trying to get back in the same position again so, you know, I could make a move.” 

“Excuse me,” Dan said, holding up a finger. “But let’s give credit where credit it due, I do believe that I made the move.” 

“I tried. You puked,” Phil said, matter of factly, a mischievous grin tinging his lips. 

“You weren’t even that drunk were you?” Dan asked, relieved that he hadn’t been reading Phil incorrectly. 

Phil chuckled. “I was pretty drunk.” 

“But not off your face.”

“No, not off my face,” Phil agreed. 

 

“Sooo,” Dan said, looking ahead of him, too scared to look Phil’s way when he asked, “Now what happens?” The hotel was in sight now. He couldn’t imagine just going back to the room and acting as though nothing had  happened. He didn’t particularly want to act like nothing had happened, either, and he didn’t think that Phil wanted things to end up that way.

 

Met with a moment of silence, he glanced sideways at Phil to gauge his reaction. They were now at the door of the hotel lobby. Phil opened it for him and said, “Well, what I think happens, and tell me if I am wrong, but I think we head upstairs and make up for lost time.” 

 

He didn’t have to say that twice. 

 

///

 

Within minutes, Dan had Phil pressed up against the wall just inside their hotel room, kissing him with all the pent up energy he had been holding back for years. He kissed up Phil’s jawbone, making a fist in Phil’s hair. 

 

“I hope you don’t think I’m putting out tonight and that’s the only reason you’re doing this,” Dan murmured between kisses. 

 

“Says the guy who has me pinned up against a wall,” Phil laughed breathily, inhaling sharply when Dan nibbled at his ear in retaliation. 

“I just don’t want you to think that I want this to be something casual. I want you to know upfront that, with you? I could never do a fling,” Dan said, moving back up to Phil’s lips. 

“Why do you think I locked you down with that internship? I mean you are the most qualified, but I don’t want you going anywhere anytime soon,” Phil said, pushing Dan into the wardrobe directly across from them. It shook, but didn’t threaten to topple, so they continued. “And if you do go anywhere, I hope you bring me with you,” he murmured against Dan’s lips. 

 

Dan felt shaky. He had kissed people before, but never like this. Never this hungry, never passionately, most certainly pressed up against a wall. He realized it was probably because he spent most of his adolescence hung up on Phil, hoping for a moment like this. The few awkward kisses he had shared with boys and girls in the past (and the one time he and Louise had gotten drunk and snogged then swore never to mention again) had been nothing to write home about, but this was different. It felt like the whole world ended and began where their bodies touched, Dan’s capability of processing sensory information reduced only to include the small space they occupied. He tried to think of something witty to say in response, but he could barely remember to breath. He had imagined how this would feel time and time again, but this was so much more. 

 

For once in his life, he felt, every whirring cog in his overactive mind was able pause and allow one, simple, straightforward thought to resonate; be here in the moment with Phil, let him touch you without contemplating what it could mean other than he wants you. Let him want you and let yourself want him back.

 

Dan closed his eyes and focused on Phil’s lips, the hand in his hair, the other snaking up the front of his shirt, the feeling of Phil’s fingertips skimming along his bare skin, the sheer closeness of it all. He shuddered, a noise escaping his lips. 

 

He felt Phil smile against his mouth, the hand under his shirt traveling around his rib cage to the small of his back, pulling him closer still. 

 

“This is nice,” Phil murmured. 

Dan’s eyes snapped open. “Nice? That’s it? Nice?” Maybe this was a mistake. 

“No, no, no,” Phil quickly interjected, kissing Dan’s cheek. “This… This is incredible,” he said between kisses. “But what I meant was that you were relaxed for two seconds. Felt like you trusted me. It was nice.”

“I've relaxed around you before,” Dan whined, knowing that was a complete fib. 

“Dan,” Phil chastised. “To quote a man much wittier than myself, you’re so uptight, if you stuck a lump of coal up your ass and twisted, in two weeks, you'd have a diamond.”

“Two things. A) Ferris Bueller was like 12, you can hardly call him a man, and B) I am not,” Dan said, playfully pushing Phil away. 

“Um, Ferris Bueller was only like a year younger than you, and yes, you are,” Phil said pushing Dan back.  

 

“I’m just cautious and I like to make sure I have things thought through before I act is all,” Dan said, walking away from Phil and going to sit on his own bed. 

“Cautious? Is that what you call liking a guy for four years before telling him?” Phil said, sitting on his respective bed across from Dan. 

“When that guy is your boss, yeah, I call that cautious,” Dan retorted, following up his remark by sticking out his tongue. “Anyway, my timing seems pretty good so maybe I just knew waiting was the right thing.”

“Or maybe you’re just chicken shit.” 

“Oi, you're cruisin’’ for a bruisin’, bucko.”

“Oh, I'm scared,” Phil said, his eyes widening in mock fear. 

“You should be,” Dan said, smiling. He felt his phone buzz in his pocket. He pulled it out to find Lou’s name on the screen. He had missed a few texts it seemed. “Oh, shit,” he breathed, an exasperated smile spreading across his face. He held up the phone for Phil to see. “Which do I tell her about first, the internship or the… the you?” 

“Oh, shit. I didn’t think of that. Probably wouldn’t be good for news of us dating getting out at the same time that it comes out that you’re up for a promotion,” Phil said, making a yikes face. 

“Who said we’re dating?” Dan asked, his heart leaping into his throat at Phil’s words. He wanted that, of course he wanted that, but he didn’t think they would be defining things so clearly so soon. 

“Well, I mean, I assumed.. You just said you can’t be casual with this, so this is me, not being casual,” Phil said. 

“Ok,” Dan said nodding. “Ok, I can work with that,” he felt a smile spread across his face. “You do realize that I can’t not tell Louise about both of these things. Like I could try, but the girl gives the Spanish Inquisition a run for their money.” 

“Can she keep a secret?” Phil asked, chuckling at Dan’s comparison. 

“Like a safe,” Dan assured him. 

“Then I would save the more excited news for last.” 

“So hold off on the promotion thing,” Dan said, pretending to type out his message. 

“Oi, that’s not what I meant,” Phil pouted. 

“I know,” Dan said, flopping back to lie down on his bed and type.    
“I take it that I am losing you for the next like half an hour while Louise freaks out,” Phil commented. 

“I think so,” Dan confirmed. 

“That’s a shame, I wasn’t quite done with you.”

“Well, I should hope you wouldn’t be.”

 

There was a moment of comfortable silence and Dan tried to figure out the best way to tell Louise the news. Phil switched on the television and lay down. 

 

“Why don’t you come over here?” Phil asked a few moments later. 

“Like to your bed?” 

“Yeah,” Phil answered. 

Dan walked the short distance between their beds and sat down, turning back to his phone. 

“No, I meant like here,” Phil elaborated, patting a space on his chest. 

“Meaning you want to cuddle me?” 

“Well, duh.” 

 

Dan settled into the space between Phil’s arm and his chest, relishing the warmth of Phil’s body. He rest his head on Phil’s chest, just above his heart, slightly in awe of the fact that he was in fact, not only cuddling with Phil Lester, but listening to the other man’s heartbeat, which felt extremely intimate in a strange way. Dan sighed contentedly and noticed Phil’s heartbeat quicken as he tipped his head up to look at Phil’s face. He smiled and said nothing. He settled back into Phil’s chest and pulled out his phone, skimming over the text’s Lou had sent him inquiring about whether or not he had died and if she should be worried. He quickly tapped a text back to her. 

 

Dan: Sorry Lou, it’s been crazy today. 

Lou: Yeah how crazy?

 

Dan noted how unenthused she sounded and hoped she would be happier when she heard everything he was about to say. 

 

Dan: Well, Phil offered me an internship to become a manager there eventually. 

Lou: That’s cool! That mean’s he thinks you’re a good worker. 

Dan: and we saw his old boyfriend at a restaurant. 

Lou: holy shit how’d that go? 

Dan: I may have poured an expensive bottle of wine on his head. 

Lou; oh my god, savage. tell me EVERYTHING

Dan: well there’s more you should know before I give you the deets on that. 

Lou: Like?

Dan: I kissed Phil. 

Lou: WHAT THE FUCK

Dan: and then we went home and like ten minutes ago he called me his boyfriend

Lou: WHAT THE FUCK X2

Dan: And I am cuddling with him rn

Lou: just checking real quick but IS THIS THE TWILIGHT ZONE OR SOMETHING. 

Lou: I AM ON BREAK RN BUT I AM TELLING MARTYN

Dan: WAIT!!!!

 

There was no answer.  

 

“Um. Phil. Slight situation.” 

“Hm?” Phil responded lazily. 

“So, Lou is at work and she says she’s telling Martyn. Will that be bad?” 

“So much for containing this huh?’ 

“I am sure we could get them to keep it to themselves, like at least they will have each other to talk to about it right?’ Dan suggested weakly. 

“Maybe. I will talk to him about it once the shop closes.” 

 

But it seemed they wouldn’t have to wait that long. In unison, Dan and Phil’s phones began buzzing, Martyn’s name across Phil’s and Louise’s across Dan’s. 

 

Dan answered his first expecting to only hear Louise’s voice, but she immediately added Martyn to the call. 

 

“Danielll…” Martyn’s voice filtered through the reciever… ‘You’ve got some splainin to do.” 

  
Dan took a deep breath and started talking, putting the phone on speaker. It was gonna be a long night. 

 

As if it wasn't already. 


	12. Chapter 12

“Listen does it really even matter how it happened?” Dan groaned, still leaning against Phil, holding the phone, which was on speaker between their heads.

“Does it- of course it matters,” Louise sputtered. “Dan, I have been waiting for this phone call for four years, I swear to god, if you don’t tell me, I will end your life.”

“Can I tell you when I get home? This doesn’t really feel like a conversation I want to have with you AND Martyn AND Phil. This is kind of best friend’s only material,” Dan insisted.

“You’re telling me I have to wait until Sunday to hear the low down?” Louise asked.

“I don’t much like the sound of that either,” Martyn interjected.

“Well, you could have called us separately and we could have gone into different rooms and discussed this, now couldn’t’ve you?” Phil responded. “I don’t want you to hear me talk about this either to be honest,” Phil added, speaking in a low voice so the phone wouldn’t pick it up as well. “I don’t want you to hear me explain something differently from how you thought it went and have you judge me.”

“I wouldn’t judge you, but I feel the same way,” Dan agreed.

“I wouldn’t judge you either.”

I know. But still, it is too early in ths for you to hear me completely geek out about you. I would be embarrassed.”

Louise coughed on the other end of the line.

‘Still here,” she added, her voice tinged with annoyance.

“Sorry, Lou,” Dan said, smiling at Phil. He knew that it was bad, but it was so easy to forget everything else in the room when he was in a moment with Phil. Maybe that wasn’t so bad, after all, though. Everyone said he thought too much anyway. Maybe being spacey would be nice for a change.

He snapped back from his thoughts once more.

“I promise I will get you the juicy details at a later date,” Dan promised.

“We are kind of busy at the moment, anyway,” Phil added.

“We were?” Dan mouthed, looking back to him confused.

“Trust me,” Phil whispered back with a wink.

“Ew!” Louise and Martyn responded in chorus.

“Already?” Martyn asked, sounding almost exasperated. “Dan, I know you have been waiting for approximately four hundred years, but you didn’t have to jump him the first chance you got, did you?”

“I didn’t jump anyon-” Dan began.

Phil cut him off by placing a finger over his mouth. “Do you want them to leave us alone or not?” he whispered into Dan’s ear.

“Oh, so Phil’s the culprit? Phil, I will have you know if you break his heart, I will-”

“Kill me with your bare hands, yes, Louise, I know. It’s not a risk I am willing to take,” Phil responded, rolling his eyes at Dan.

“She’ll do it,” Dan added quietly.

“Oh, I know,” Phil nodded.

“Listen,” Martyn began. “I think that maybe you guys should keep this between us four until the whole Dan the intern news blows over. Kinda fishy.”

“I couldn’t agree more,” Dan responded. As much as he wanted to rub the fact that he had finally got the guy he had been chasing for four years in the face of every human he had passed, he knew that it wouldn’t look good.

“Can we go now?” Phil asked, ignoring what his brother had just said.

“Gross. You’re too eager to leave. I hate it,” Louise groaned. “Ok. We’ll let you go. But Daniel James Howell, if you think that I will accept anything less than a second by second play by play of everything that has happened since this morning until the moment before the next moment I see you, you are wrong.”

“I’ll start taking notes now so I don’t disappoint,” Dan agreed jokingly.

“No one likes to be mocked, Daniel,” Louise retorted.

“I love you, Louise,” Dan said, trying to shut her up.

“Oh my god,” Louise said. “Why didn’t you start dating Phil earlier, I have been trying to get you to say that for years.”

“Yeah, let us go or I will take it back,” Dan warned.

‘No take backsies!” Louise shouted. “Say goodbye, Martyn.”

‘Goodbye, Martyn,” Martyn’s voice filtered through the speaker.

“Don’t be smart,” he heard Louise chide softly on the other end.

“Bye, Lou. Bye, Martyn,” Phil said, smiling.

“Bye,” Dan echoed. ‘See you both soon.”

“Bye,” Louise and Martyn said in unison.

Dan and Phil both sighed with relief when the line when dead.

“Something tells me we should have known better,” Phil said, pulling Dan closer to his chest in a hug.

“We should have. Part of us probably did,” Dan said. “Like Lou would be able to contain herself in the slightest.”

“Part of you probably did,” Phil corrected. ‘You deal with Louise in this.. capacity more often than I do.”

“This is true.”

Phil didn’t answer. He simply leaned his head against his Dan’s and switched his attention back to the television. It was some kind of baking show, the kind of mindless television that couples watched after a long day of work. Not that today had been particularly long workwise. Emotions wise, yes.

This felt too normal. The next thing he knew they would be sleeping in the same bed together, and Dan didn’t know what he did in his sleep. He could fart and Phil could hear it and be grossed out and then he couldn’t live with himself. And if that didn’t happen, they would be waking up next to each other with morning breath, kissing even though it was kind of gross.

Or what if he had a nightmare and he sweat a lot and then Phil thought he peed the bed? What if he had a freak loss of bladder control and actually wet the bed for the first time since he got really drunk when he was sixteen and experienced a series of unfortunate events.

He was panicking. Normally, he would text Louise, but he didn’t want to get that started up again. He tried to figure out a way to make this alright.

“My stomach hurts,” he blurted.

“Oh, no, you ok?” Phil asked, immediately concerned.

“I don’t know,” Dan said. “But I better go to my bed I think. Wouldn’t want to like gas you out or something,” he added, blushing. “Sorry to be gross.”

“I don’t mind. I still like you just as much as I did a moment ago,” Phil assured him. “Maybe more. Definitely not less.”

“I should hope not more that would be weird,” Dan said.

“Go to your bed and fart, you gross nerd,” Phil added.

“Thanks for understanding,” Dan said, smiling weakly.

“Well, if I didn’t understand, I feel like I would have to deal with some gross stuff,” Phil added.

Dan sat up and began to get out of bed to move change into his pj’s and move into his own. He was halted when Phil grabbed his wrist.

“Kiss me before you go?”

“Of course.”

Dan leant into the other man, feeling weak in the knees as their lips connected. He pulled away and pressed his forehead to Phil’s and smiled. Phil kissed his nose and tucked his hair behind his ear. Dan felt what seemed to be a million butterflies erupt in his stomach. He didn’t know if he would ever get used to this. He hoped he never did.

////

Dan was awoken to a dark room and a loud dragging noise. He opened one eye tentatively to see Phil pushing his bed closer to his own. He closed his eyes quickly so Phil didn’t know he was awake and Phil felt badly about it. The dragging stopped. He felt a rush of air flow past him as Phil collapsed into the bed.

Dan shifted his body, hoping it looked like he was sleeping still as he made his hand available to the other man. Dan cracked his eyes once more and saw that their beds were completely flush together. He squeezed his eyes shut again.

He heard Phil settle into his pillow. Phil reached out and took his hand, pulling it onto the bed with him and resting his face on it.

“I know you were faking about your stomach,” Phil whispered. “Probably because you are nervous or something, which is cute. But I just wanted to let you know that there is nothing you could do to convince me that I am not the luckiest man on earth tonight. Or tomorrow for that matter. Or every night that I get to go to bed next to you. Even if it isn’t in the same bed.”

Dan tried with all his might not to smile and give himself away. He knew that Phil found out he was awake, he would have to tell him he was wrong. Phil wasn’t the luckiest man in the world. He was.


	13. Chapter 13

Dan woke up the next morning to see Phil still sleeping, his arm outstretched across the line between their mattresses, coming just short of touching him, and he couldn't help but feel disappointed. Disappointed that they couldn't stay here all day like this, that he would have to wake Phil up soon and they would have to drag themselves down to the show floor when all he wanted to do was crawl into bed with Phil, snuggle up with him and fall back asleep.

If the bed’s hadn't of been pushed together, Dan would have assumed it had all been a dream. But here they were, real as anything.

Dan took Phil’s hand from the bed and pressed a kiss into his palm, careful not to wake him, then snuck out of the other side of the bed to go brush his teeth. He turned to look back at Phil before he closed the bathroom door, smiling when he saw the way Phil had shifted even further towards where Dan had lain, seemingly sensing his absence and searching for him.

Dan brushed his teeth quickly and hurried back out into the bedroom, crawling into bed behind Phil, leaving his own bed empty. He hesitated momentarily before wrapping his arm around Phil’s waist, as though he thought he might disintegrate if he touched him. Phil stirred, leaning back into Dan’s body, almost melting into his touch.

Phil groaned.

“Not time to wake upppp,” he complained, burying his face in the pillow. Dan looked at the clock and saw it was 630. It was a little early, but if they woke up now, they'd have time to do nothing.  

“Oh ok, I’ll just go back to my own bed then,” Dan threatened, pressing a kiss at the nape of Phil’s neck and beginning to move away.

“Noooo. Nuh-uh. Nope,” Phil said, reaching back and grabbing at Dan’s leg before he had the chance to move, pulling it forward to rest on his own legs. Dan was beginning to feel like a koala or a backpack with his arms and now a leg around Phil.  

“You said it's not time to get up but I’m up so I don't want to disturb you,” Dan replied.

“You leaving would disturb me.”

“Then wake up.”

“If I get up, can I kiss you?”

“Why don't you get up and find out?”

Phil turned to face Dan, opening his eyes. “You're a  real tease, you know that?”

“I prefer to say I'm someone who knows who to use the assets I have to get what I want,” Dan retorted.

“Last time I checked, you have some good assets,” Phil giggled, running a hand down Dan’s back towards his butt.

“Oi! Watch it,” Dan warned half heartedly.

 

Phil laughed softly and leaned in to kiss Dan, gently.

“You already brushed your teeth,” Phil pointed out. “ Sorry if my breath is gross.”

“Nothing about you is gross.”

“That’s not true at all,” Phil assured him. "Nothing about you is gross though." 

“‘Course it is,” Dan replied, tapping the other man’s nose. "And I'm pretty sure most things about me are gross."  

“Now who's the liar?” Phil asked, pulling Dan closer to him.

“No one called anyone a liar,” Dan said, innocently.

“But it was insinuated.”

“That’s a matter of interpretation,” Dan replied, giggling. “I’ll tell you what was insinuated, though.”

“What?”

“That you have to get out of bed.”

“ _You_ gotta,” Phil said defiantly.

“You’re not wrong,” Dan replied, making motions to imply that he was about to get out of bed once more.

“No. Stay,” Phil pouting, pulling him back down again, enclosing him in one death grip of a hug.

“Phil, come on, we gotta get up,” Dan insisted half heartedly.

“You’re being so rude right now,” Phil said squeezing tighter. “Can’t a guy just hug his boyfriend for the foreseeable future without getting pestered about going to work and getting out of bed.”

“As much as I’d like that, no. Unlike some people, I am trying to keep our jobs.”

“They can’t fire me, I’m the boss,” Phil responded, matter of factly.

“But they can fire me,” Dan reminded him.

“Not without the greenlight from me. So stay in bed.”

“Now, Phil, we can’t have it looking like I slept my way to the top,” Dan said jokingly.

“A management internship isn’t the top,” Phil said. “And neither are you,” he added with a wink.

“Hey!”

“What?” Phil asked, his eyes wide with feigned innocence.

“Phillll.” Dan scolded.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’ll get up and do work like an honest person,” Phil assured him, but made no motion to do so.

“Good idea. Anyway, your parent’s own the place, it’s not like they can’t fire you.”

 

“Yeah, right. They own the place pretty much in name only. Like it’s my dad’s name on the deed, but he informally passed pretty much everything onto me and Martyn the minute I graduated.”

“Except actual ownership,” Dan confirmed.

“Yeah. Well. I wouldn’t want a couple twenty somethings in complete control of my life long investments either, so I get why he hasn’t yet.” Phil pointed out. “But they wouldn’t fire me if we bailed today. You either. They probably wouldn’t even know.”

“Yeah, but it sets a precedent.”

Phil sighed. “I hate it when you’re right. Well not just right, but like so right that it’s annoying.”

“What can I say to make it up to you?”

“That you’ll kiss me.”

“I can do that,” Dan said. He kissed Phil, pulling away just as Phil tried to deepen the kiss. “That’s all you get until you get out of bed and get ready.”

“Cruel and unusual punishment,” Phil said, sticking out his lower lip. He began to sit up slowly, as if he were fighting a gravitational force much stronger than Earth’s.

“You’ll live.”

“What if I slip and fall and die in the bathroom? Would you be able to live knowing you’ve only kissed me, like, five times?” Phil asked, his voice grave but a smile sparkling in his eyes.

“That’s five times more than I had when I woke up yesterday, and the bathroom was just as dangerous then,” Dan said with a shrug.

“Wow. That’s cold,” Phil said. “Ok, I’ll go. But I won’t be happy about it.”  
‘I won’t be either.”

“Good to know we’re both suffering.” He smiled at Dan and walked into the bathroom, closing the door behind him without another word.

 

Dan was left alone in the quiet room, lying next to a warm spot in the bed that served as proof that his boyfriend did exist, and began once again, to think too hard and for too long.

He loved Phil. He wasn’t going to say it, not out loud at least, not yet. Everything was too new and that was probably too much too fast, and anyway, Phil hadn’t had as long to think about it as he had. The idea, no, the reality of finally having Phil was terrifying. The idea of not was worse. He rolled onto his stomach and buried his face in Phil’s pillow, breathing in the smell of his shampoo, which both comforted him and made his heart race faster all at once.

Phil wanted him. That was clear. And that freaked him out. No one had wanted him before. Not openly, at least. And he was positive that no one he had ever encountered would have wanted to go from colleagues to boyfriends in the matter of an hour. He was pretty sure in a normal adult situation, the pattern was colleagues to awkward friends that were clearly into each other to awkward friends with benefits, and then depending on how stage three worked out, they became weird office couple that ate lunch together in the corner of the break room and flaunted their relationship to their other more bitter more single colleagues or they became awkward colleagues who fucked that one time, against everyone’s better judgement. It felt like they skipped a stage. Or maybe they were just in stage one for so long that the skip to exclusive boyfriends was justified.

It then dawned on Dan that maybe he was assuming too much in thinking that they were exclusive. The word had never been uttered, but then again, there hadn’t been much time to talk it over. Their relationship was barely twelve hours old, to be fair. But Dan couldn’t help but wonder if they were just going to be casual boyfriends, or worse, in some sort of open relationship. Maybe Phil was into open relationships, he thought, his heart jumping to his throat. He had told Phil that he couldn’t just do a fling, but the term fling didn’t exactly rule out a open relationship, and frankly, Dan was much too jealous of a person to be able to handle that sort of arrangement.

 

He groaned into the bed, suddenly in a state of extreme discontent.

He heard the door of the bathroom creak open.

“You ok?” Phil asked, his voice garbled by a blockage Dan could only assume was a toothbrush.

“Yeah.”

“Yeah, right,” Phil responded around the toothbrush.

Dan turned his head to face Phil, giving him a serious look.

Phil laughed, pulling the toothbrush from his mouth. “I know you are trying to look mad, but your face is all squished on the pillow side so you just look half mad and half like a chipmunk.”

Dan’s scowl deepened.

“What’s wrong?” Phil asked, genuine concern now spreading across his face.

“Nothing. I’ve been thinking too much.” He said with a sigh. Help me, he added mentally, hoping Phil would somehow psychically know what was worrying him and help him realize he was making a mountain out of a molehill.

“Anything I can do to help?” Phil asked.

 

 _Yeah,_ Dan thought. _Tell me it’s just me that you want so I can stop worrying about having to share you._ He could almost hear Phil respond in his mind something along the lines of _Like that is even a plausibility._ But he wasn’t brave enough to say it.

 

Out loud, he responded, “Well, for starters, you could get ready.”

“You’re a real stickler,” Phil replied.

“Yep,” Dan said with a forced smile. “Now go,” he added, sticking out his tongue at Phil, who mimicked the expression as he closed the door.

 

Dan sighed once he was alone again. He had woken up so looking forward to today, so looking forward to seeing what life would be like now with Phil in the mix, at least in this capacity. But now, he couldn’t help but think that maybe he was expecting too much of all this.

 

All the worrying left a bad taste in his mouth and a sinking feeling in his stomach, so he tried to ignore the thoughts racing through his mind and prepare himself for what was sure to be a difficult day, even if it was all in his head.

 

///

 

Dan could not deny that everything was going exceptionally well, despite his quiet breakdown that morning. Phil was, if Dan was being incredibly honest, being really affectionate. More affectionate than he had expected, given the fact that they were in such a public setting and the presence of so many industry people around them, something was bound to get back to the store. But, he supposed that the only person back at the store that was actually involved in the industry on a larger level was Martyn, and if anything got back to him, well, he already knew. And, he realized, people here only really knew Phil. To them, Dan was just some kid who followed Phil around and also, apparently, was dating him.

 

Still, he couldn’t help but feel as though they were exposing something they shouldn’t when Phil would put his arm around Dan’s waist, or when he would come stand beside him and rest his hand on the small of his back while Dan was talking to customers. He felt especially exposed when Phil slipped his hand into his own as they walked across the showroom floor on their way out for lunch.

 

He was sure there were fewer eyes on him than he felt, that the feeling of being watched was amplified by his own hyper awareness of Phil’s closeness to him. He wished he was closer still.

 

As they walked down the street, looking for a place to eat, Dan felt that he should say something, that he should mention to Phil that maybe they shouldn’t be so open, but he didn’t want Phil to think he was ashamed of him. He just didn’t want to get used to getting to act this way only to go home and have to act another. He knew even just a brief taste of being able to act this open would make it just that much more painful to keep it all to themselves.

 

They arrived at a little cafe where they both ordered burgers.

Phil found them a table semi-secluded from the rest of the lunch crowd, which was made up mostly of mothers with young children and middle aged office type people.

 

Phil pulled his chair round to the side of the table where Dan sat. Dan chuckled at the realization that he was now a part of the couple that was found in every restaurant at any given time that were far too into each other and couldn’t even bare to be separated by a few inches of space wedged between them by a table.

 

“What?” Phil asked, smiling at him amusedly.

“Nothing,” Dan said, blushing. “Just.. we are _that_ couple, aren’t we?”

“What couple?”

“The annoying one that has to be on each other all the time,” Dan elaborated.

“You mean the type of couple that makes single people feel bitter and makes loveless, old, married couples feel jealous and nostalgic?” Phil asked. “Good. In that case, I hope we are always _that_ couple.”

Phil leaned in closer to him, Dan’s heart fluttered at his proximity. Phil kissed him, and he couldn’t stop himself from giggling against the other man’s mouth. His face was hot, and no doubt redder than a beet.

‘You’re cute,” Phil said quietly.

“I know,” Dan replied, scanning the room, noting that a few of the women were eyeing them. “People are staring.”

“Let them,” Phil said, running a hand through Dan’s hair. “We’re in love we can do what we want.”

 

Dan’s breathe caught in his throat.

 

“Phil? Your order is ready,” the woman called from the counter.

 

Phil kissed him quickly once more before standing up to go to get their food.

 

Dan felt as if he was going to fly away from happiness. Phil said they were in love. He thought that meant it was safe to assume that meant he loved him.

  
Phil Lester potentially maybe loved him. So maybe he didn't care if people were staring. He had something they really should be jealous of. 


	14. Chapter 14

The return to the expo hall after lunch was nothing less than brutal. It seemed that the number of people in the hall had quadrupled since they left, which made sense, it was the middle of the expo and he supposed most sellers were there in the middle, not really wanting to stick around when everything was still mostly set up or tear down, just get in in the few days where everything was full swing and slip away when everything died down. Pet Castle had decided to stay the whole thing from start to finish, but if Dan was being entirely honest, he wished he could miss this middle part. Especially if it meant dealing with customers like this. 

 

“How much is that one, love?” a slightly older man asked him, pointing to a rather colorful but small coral frag, barely looking at it. Dan felt like his skin was crawling with the other man’s eyes skimming across it, sizing him up. He didn’t know if he gave off an interested vibe, he was trying his best not to, but the man persisted. He scanned his clipboard to find what the frag was listed at. “Uh, 175,’ he said tentatively, double checking by running his finger along the chart to make sure he was looking at the right column. “Yeah, 175,” he confirmed. 

“Right,” the man said, smiling. “And that one?” he asked, motioning to another. 

Dan referenced his chart quickly again. “150 quid,” he read off shortly. He knew it wasn’t good customer service, but he felt that it wasn’t really the coral this man was interested in, so he better make himself seem less appealing. 

“And if I bought both together?” 

“I could give it to you for three hundred,” Dan said, letting out a sigh. This was another thing he didn’t like about the expo. The rules were different here. You were allowed, no, encouraged to haggle down prices because you were most likely buying more than a casual customer would at the store, but sometimes people got a little too confident and bid too low. He felt like 300 was reasonable, because if this were the store, they would have to pay at least another 25 quid. 

“Can’t go lower than 300,” Dan said firmly, shooting the man a stiff smile. 

“Aw, come on, the guy began, leaning on an open space on the table, trying to close the proximity between them. 

Dan instinctively took a step back. He did everything in his power to keep from rolling his eyes. His ability to keep a friendly retail smile on his face was wearing thin. He clenched his hands around his clipboard, his knuckles turning white. 

“Sorry, buddy, but 300 is all I can do.” 

“What if I throw in dinner?” the man asked, winking. 

“What if I just tack a 50 on the end of that 300 and save you the trouble?” Dan retorted, unable to keep the acid of annoyance from his voice. “If you want to waste money on someone you barely know, might as well be on something they want you to buy, and dinner with you is the last thing I want, and I’m not even sin-” 

“What’s up?” Dan heard a voice interject from the space near his side. An immediate sense of relief washed over him and he felt Phil’s hand settle on his back protectively. His hands loosened on his clipboard and he took a deep breath, gathering himself. 

“Nothing, just discussing prices,” Dan said, his voice calm. He turned to Phil, praying that he would recognize the look of “please, god, save me,” in his eyes.

“What are you offering, then?” Phil asked, turning to the client without really acknowledging whether or not he knew his boyfriend was literally dying of annoyance and discomfort. 

“275,” the client repeated, a little less confident this time around. He seemed to be getting the idea that asking Dan to dinner hadn’t really been appropriate. 

“And you told him 300, right, babe?” Phil asked, turning to Dan. Dan lifted his eyebrow at the pet name, but agreed. He relaxed a little more, decided Phil’s sudden found need to call him babe for the first time in front of clients was no coincidence. 

“Yes,” Dan confirmed, blushing at Phil’s words despite his longstanding general distaste for pet names. Something about Phil saying it to him was different. It wasn't as annoying as it would have been if he had heard another couple say it, or worse, if it had been said by Phil to someone else. 

 

Dan turned his attention back to the customer, who now looked incredibly uncomfortable and embarrassed. Happy that the man was no longer looking at him like he was a piece of meat, he had difficulty keeping the corners of his mouth from turning up in a smile of triumph. 

Phil scanned the clipboard so quickly that he couldn’t have possibly have absorbed any information from it, then promptly answered, “He’s right, sir, unfortunately 300 is the lowest we can go for you. Would you like me to pack these up for you?”

Phil flashed the man a wolfish smile, one that was slightly unsettling with how plastic it looked. There was no missing that he was pissed with how the man had been treating Dan, but it was only obvious if you knew what Phil’s face was supposed to look like. Or normally looked like, rather.  

“Right, yes, sure,” the customer answered quickly pulling a roll of bills from his pocket and counting out the proper amount. 

 

“I’ll take care of it, love,” Phil said, the word falling heavy from his tongue with disdain, as though the word had curdled when it had come from the mouth of the other man. “You go see if they need anything,” he added, motioning to a man and his son who had approached the other side of the booth. 

 

Dan nodded, knowing full well Phil was just giving him an excuse to leave, as it was clear father and son had no intention of buying anything. if anything, it was a seller who had brought his family with him and was taking a break to teach his son about some of the things for sale at the expo. That was the thing about tropical fish people; they could talk about it for hours for anyone who could listen, and Dan supposed that your child was as good a captive audience as any. 

So instead of bothering the little boy and his dad, Dan simply edged his way to the back of the booth and listened to Phil converse with the customer as he wrapped up his purchases. 

 

“You enjoying the expo?” Phil asked, shooting a smile at the man. 

“Y-yes,” he answered, watching Phil’s hands intently as he packaged the coral frags, doing everything in his power not to make eye contact. 

“That’s good. I’m glad to hear that,” Phil said. There was a pause as Phil finished up. He held out the bag to the customer who tried to take it, but Phil didn't let go. “If I see you harassing anyone else who clearly isn't interested, I will kick your ass. Even if it isn't my boyfriend. Seriously, show some respect, you ass,” he added, his voice almost too low for Dan to hear. “Understood?” 

The customer nodded vehemently, his eyes wide, finally meeting Phil. 

“Say it.” 

“Uh-understood.”

“Good,” Phil said, releasing the bag.

 

Dan smiled, trying to busy himself so Phil didn't know he was eavesdropping. He wasn't sure if Phil knew he was watching, if he was just doing the tough guy act for his benefit, just because he knew Dan was watching, but he hoped that wasn’t the case. Phil watched the other man walk away before returning to where Dan stood. 

 

“Fucker,” Phil mumbled. 

“Jealousy doesn’t look good on anyone,” Dan pointed out jokingly. 

“Yeah, well nothing looks good on that guy,” Phil retorted, leaning against the table behind him. 

“Eh,” Dan said speculatively, as though he was imagining what would look good. 

“You weren’t actually interesting in him, were you?” Phil asked, apparently not picking up on the fact that Dan was joking. 

“No, you idiot,” Dan responded. “Why would I want him when I have you?” 

“I don’t know why you’d want me in the first place,  but if you do, I won’t question it,” Phil said, a smile breaking across his face. 

“You don’t need to question it. You were pretty hardcore there, though, it was pretty scary, to be honest.” 

“Yeah, well. Not everyone’s got the memo that you’re mine yet.” 

“I’d argue that most people haven’t gotten the memo. Only like two people have received the memo,” Dan pointed out. 

“Three now,” Phil added, motioning to where the customer had stood only moments ago. 

“Oh, you’re right,” Dan realized, laughing. “Well. I mean. It’s really only important that we know, isn’t it?” 

“Yeah, you’re right. Still doesn’t stop me from wanting to make sure guys that hit on you know,” Phil added. 

“Guys don’t hit on me often, or ever, and they never ask me out either, so I think you’re safe,” Dan laughed. “I don’t even think I have ever been on a proper date. Like where me and the other person were clear it was a date.” 

 

“How about I take you on a proper date?” Phil asked, his eyes lighting up. 

“Sure,” Dan answered, maybe too quickly. He swallowed, nervousness overwhelming him. He hadn’t been fishing for Phil to ask, but he couldn’t say that he was disappointed that he had. 

“Ok, I’ll pick you up at seven.” 

“We’re staying in the same room, Phil,” Dan said slowly, looking at Phil as though he had lost his mind. 

“Oh,” Phil said, his facing falling. He thought for a moment, then his face lit up again. Dan could almost see the light bulb above his boyfriend's head. 

"Can you hold down the fort for a while?" Phil asked. 

"Why where are you going?" 

"To get ready. I'll pick you up at seven." 

"So you won't be there when I get back." 

"Nope. I'll pick you up at seven," he repeated, kissing Dan on the cheek and beginning to walk away. "Dress nice," he added over his shoulder. 

"What, like I don't normally?" Dan asked, trying to find anything to say at all. He was a little bit taken aback by this whole thing, by the spontaneity of it all. 

"No you do, but I just wanted to make sure." 

"See you," Dan called after him. 

Phil waved but said nothing else. 

Dan, for the very first time in his nineteen years of life, had a real date. And even though Phil was already his boyfriend and he already had that on lock, it was still their first date. And it was all Dan could do not to crap his pants right there. 


	15. Chapter 15

Dan pulled the curtains shut on the booth at five fifteen. He wasn't supposed to until five thirty, but he had been left alone all day and didn't want to take another customer so he figured it was fine if he called made an executive decision. The hall was mostly empty anyway, the only vendors left were clear to on the other side of the room.  
He took the cash box they had been using to collect their earnings and popped it open with the key that dangled from a lanyard around his neck. He counted out the cash to ensure that the amount matched the ledger for the day, then closed it back up and slipped it into the backpack he had brought in. He figured if he had to carry a cash box around, it would be smarter to have it concealed than out in the open. Dan exited the booth, checking his phone for what felt like the thousandth time since Phil had left. He had no notifications, not even from Lou.  
He began to type a message to his best friend when he nearly ran into someone in front of him. The first thing he noticed was the person’s feet. They caught his eye as he looked down at his phone. Dress shoes. Not typical expo wear. He scanned up the owner's body. Suit. Also atypical. When he got to the face, he froze. He was so paralyzed it may as well have been Medusa. But in a way, it was far worse than that. It was Carter.

“Where is he?” Carter asked abruptly.  
“What, no hello, how are you?” Dan asked, masking his terror at being nearly alone with this man with sarcasm.  
“I find it hard to muster up any niceties for someone who poured a hundred dollar bottle of red wine on my head in the middle of a date.” Carter answered shortly. “Where is he?” he repeated.  
“Can't say I know. He left early to plan a da-” Dan cut himself off. He was sure Carter had assumed what the nature of he and Phil’s relationship was, but he wasn't sure how he would react upon hearing a confirmation of that suspicion. “Surprise thing. For me.”  
“Is it your birthday?” Carter asked, furrowing his brow.  
“No. Just celebrating new… Life developments.” Dan swallowed. Carter was intense. He wondered if he had been this way when he had been with Phil. He couldn't imagine Phil with someone like this. Someone so domineering, so cold, so obviously on a power trip. So obviously a wolf in very, very shoddy sheep's clothing. Dan could smell the manipulation on the guy from a mile away. It made his stomach turn. There must have been something different, some sort of façade that Carter had used to lure Phil in. Abusers often did that. He couldn't, no, wouldn't think about Phil with someone like this. It hurt too much.

“Are you engaged to him?” Carter asked, his voice low, his eyes dark.

Dan couldn't help but get the sense that something in Carter’s mind hadn’t gotten the message that Phil didn't belong to him anymore. He had heard of people being called predators before, but he didn't really understand how a person could look predatory until this moment. He envisioned Carter making a lunge for his jugular like some jungle cat.  
“No,” Dan said, a bit shocked to even be asked that question. “Not even close.”  
The glimmer in Carter’s eye told Dan he had said too much.  
“So you're still new then. Just starting out?”  
Dan remained silent, and apparently Carter accepted silence as admission.  
“He’ll break your heart, -what's your name?” He interrupted himself.  
“Dan.” He answered shortly. What he wanted to say was it's ironic that Carter the destroyer himself was claiming that Phil of all people would break his heart as though he knew. As though he had experienced it.  
“Dan.” Carter said, trying it on for size. “Such a plain name for someone that looks like you. I can see why Phil likes you- at least for the moment. You're pretty.” He made a motion to touch Dan’s cheek, but Dan quickly side stepped him, grimacing in disgust.  
“Oi, why don't you say what you have to say or fuck off? I have places to be,” Dan spat, losing his patience. “How'd you know we were here anyway? What did you need Phil for? Haven't you already done enough?”  
The corner of Carter’s mouth curled. “A mouthy one, are we?”  
When Dan didn't react, Carter continued. “Pet expo? Not that hard to guess, after seeing you in town, love.”  
Dan glowered at him. He didn't believe he would ever be comfortable being called “love” again after today, even if it was by his nan.  
“Anyway, Dan, I came by to apologize to Phil for ruining his date and to wish him luck with his new plaything -that would be you. Really I never took him for someone to date young. But then again, he had me as an example. What are you, seventeen? I know you said twenty but we both know that isn't true.”  
“Nineteen” Dan murmured.  
“How sweet,” Carter said. “But no, Dan darling, Phil Lester will break your heart because that store will always come first. You'll love him and sure he'll love you, but not as much as that fucking brick and mortar. And you don't look like someone that wants to work in a small town pet shop forever. I knew I couldn't stay in that town forever. But I couldn't get Phil to move here with me, and I guess you know how that ended. He's married to that store. You'll always compete with it. Just you wait until you start feeling jealous of a building, because that's a real blow to the self esteem. And no matter how much he loves you, no matter how much you beg, he's never going to leave it. He may leave you, but he'll never leave that store.”  
Dan didn't want to admit that Carter was scaring him. He knew the real story. He knew Carter was a controlling, manipulative excuse for a human. He supposed he was being manipulated now. But he would be lying if he said it didn't scare him or sound realistic that he may have to compete with Pet Castle for Phil's time.  
“You quite finished?” Dan asked, trying to come off unscathed.  
“Suppose so, yes.”  
“Good. Don't come back here. It's over with you and him, Carter. Has been for a long time. You don't get to see him. That's a privilege you don't really deserve.”  
“Bossy, too? You must be fun in bed.”  
“Fuck off,” Dan said, unable to keep the blush from his cheeks. He wish he could confirm or deny the statement.  
“Fucking off,” Carter said holding up his hands and walking away. His fox like grin returned to his face as he said, “I meant it when I said you're pretty. You ever get bored of him, I'll be waiting.” He bit his lip and he checked Dan out once more.  
Dan shuddered. He felt violated. “Yeah, in your dreams, fuckface.”  
“Oh you certainly will be,” Carter confirmed before turning around and walking away.  
Dan checked his phone. He had an hour and fifteen minutes to get ready for their date. An hour and fifteen minutes to recover from whatever that was.  
He couldn't help but feel maybe he shouldn't tell Phil about this. So maybe he wouldn't.

////

Dan pushed past the door into the hotel room, exhausted. Any excitement that he had had about the date had been a bit dampened by Carter’s confrontation, but it didn't change the fact that it was really his first established date ever, so he couldn't approach it without a few butterflies in his stomach.  
He dropped the cash box on Phil's bed and went to the bathroom to check himself out in the mirror and see what he had to work with. His hair was curling a bit from sweat; things with Carter had been tense and he sweat when he felt uncomfortable. That was nothing that couldn't be fixed. He didn't need to shower again, but a quick face wash never hurt anyone. He plugged in the straightener and washed his face while he awaited the beeps telling him the straightener was ready to use.  
He couldn't shake what Carter had said to him. The garble of the water running from the tap wasn't nearly enough noise to muffle the words echoing through his mind.

 _Phil Lester will break your heart._  
He shut off the water and wiped his face with a towel, letting the words wash over him.  
_He’s married to that store_.  
His stomach turned. He knew Carter was only trying to get to him, and he couldn't deny it was working.  
Then there came the real kicker, the bit that scared him most, even though he didn't like to admit it.  
_He may leave you, but he'll never leave that store._  
Dan squeezed his eyes shut. Carter had hit the nail on the head with his fears. He knew it was too early to worry about the future, but he felt like Phil was supposed to be there. He also knew his future didn't lie in the same town forever. His heart sunk.

The flat iron beeped.

  
He was left with two thoughts. The first was fuck Carter for planting that seed in his mind. He clearly wanted to end anything before it could begin, before Dan healed whatever part of Phil that still belonged to him. The second was that a first date shouldn't begin with one party thinking about having to leave the other one day. Yet here he was


	16. Chapter 16

The knock on the door was quieter than he expected. He wasn't sure if he was projecting his nervousness about the date on everyone else, but he took it to mean that maybe Phil had a few butterflies.

He hesitated. He glanced in the mirror in the back of the door. He had chosen a plain white button up because it felt safe and his best black skinny jeans. He looked good, he knew he did, but he worried it wasn't good enough. He worried he would never be good enough to be enough for Phil.

 

_Phil Lester will break your heart._

 

“Consider the source,” he whispered to himself. “Who do you trust more?”

Dan didn't like the voice in his head that softly stated it was pretty much a draw between the two of him. He tasted bile. He swallowed, pushing Carter’s disembodied voice into a locked room in the back of his mind and prayed it wouldn't get back out for a while.

He put his hand in the knob. It had been a full minute since Phil had knocked. He was probably getting worried, but Dan wasn't quite ready to open the door.

He took a few steps back and called, “Just a minute.”

Dan inhaled deeply. In the last hour, he worried so much that Phil no longer seemed like a real person. Somehow, all of the things he knew to be true about Phil, the warmness in his voice and the smile in his eyes when Dan caught him looking at him, his laugh, all of these good things seemed to fade and be replaced by another version of Phil, one that Carter had helped to fabricate, a cold, loveless workaholic who only needed him for a short while until he used him up and threw him out. He braced himself and reapproached the door.

 

The face he saw when he opened the door was both exactly and not at all what he expected. Phil looked worried, but instantly smiled when he saw Dan in the doorway.

“I was worried you were having second thoughts,” Phil said, almost sighing in relief.

“Of course not,” Dan said, a pang  of guilt hitting his stomach.

“Wow,” Phil breathed, looking Dan up and down. “You look great.”

Dan looked down at himself. “If you say so,” he muttered, not really feeling his best. Or rather, not feeling that his best was good enough.

“No, Dan, you really do,” Phil assured him.

 

Dan smiled at him to the best of his ability. Phil seemed really genuine. He supposed Phil was being genuine, but Carter’s words had driven an ever so small wedge between Dan and his ability to take what Phil said for face value that had not yet begun to fade away. He feared it never would. But that would mean Carter won. That would mean he got what he wanted. Phil alone, still pining after him, the one that got away. Or the one that he drove away, depending on who was telling the story. _He is being genuine,_ he thought to himself firmly.

 

“You alright?” Phil asked, cocking his head. Dan cursed inwardly at Phil’s seemingly never failing ability to know when something was wrong with him and shook his head to the affirmative. Yes, he was alright, and if he wasn’t now, he would be soon.

“Just nerves,” Dan said, deciding the answer wasn't completely false.

“You don’t have to be nervous with me,” Phil assured him. “I’m just the same Phil I always have been, except now you know that I want to kiss you pretty much all the time, and since you want to kiss me, that should honestly make me less scary.”

Dan chuckled, though he still had a sour feeling in his stomach that lead the little voice in his head to point out the fact that he was “just Phil” was part of what scared him, because he now wasn’t entirely sure what just being Phil entailed. Not with what he had heard today. Dan swallowed and pushed as hard as he could mentally against that stupid, stupid voice that wasn’t his own but sounded eerily familiar. He hated it.

“Although,” Phil added, “I must admit you have me feeling a little nervous, too.”

“Lil’ ol’ me?” Dan asked, instantly cringing at his reaction. He wasn’t in his right mind that was for sure. He felt his heartbeat quicken at the knowledge that he could make Phil Lester, the man that had made his stomach all fluttery with every small instance of eye contact over the last four years, nervous in any way, shape, or form.

“I think you mean tall, handsome you, because damn,” Phil said, leaning up against the door jamb and raking his eyes up and down Dan’s appearance, much as Carter had in the expo hall, but there was something different behind it. There was a sense of wanting, but it was not accompanied with the sense of entitlement to what he wanted that Dan had felt when Carter had looked at him. The sensation of Phil’s eyes on his body didn’t make him want to claw his skin off as Carter’s had. It made him feel a lot of things, hot and flustered being two of them, but nothing bad. Wanted, but in a nice way. A respectful way. In a way that made him feel like Phil wanted to earn him, to have the privilege of having him in his life, not like Phil wanted him, felt as though he had some right to him, like he would have him whether Dan wanted him to or not. He supposed it felt a lot like love, or infatuation at the least. Dan ducked his head to hide the color that was surely rising to his cheeks.

 

He felt the unease that had been building up inside of him over the last hour begin to dissipate a bit.  

 

“You ready to go on a real date?” Phil asked, smiling, his tongue stuck between in teeth.

Dan couldn’t help but smile back. It was rare that Phil smiled that like, Dan had only seen in three or four times while he knew him, but he knew that meant that he was really truly happy. Dan doubted Phil even knew he was doing it. He almost wanted to take his phone out and snap a picture. You know, for posterity’s sake.

“As I’ll ever be,” Dan said as light heartedly as he could. He tried to let himself be as excited as possible, to forget what was troubling him, and for the most part, it was working. The only thing that remained, when he didn’t let himself think about it too much, was a slight unsettled feeling in his stomach, one that could easily be mistaken for the feeling he got  when he went on a rollercoaster right after he ate; uncomfortable, but easily ignored.

 

He patted his back pockets to ensure that he had his wallet and his phone, then turned back to the room to locate his coat, which was layingg on the bed, he picked it up and slung it over his shoulder, then turned back to Phil. “Do you have a key or should I bring one?”

“I have one,” Phil confirmed. “Hurry,” he added, “We have reservations.”

“Oh god , where are you taking me?”

“Somewhere that I think you’ll like,” Phil said mysteriously, holding the door open for Dan and motioning for him to exit.

“You don’t even know what my favorite food is or anything,” Dan pointed out as he walked out of the door, waiting for Phil to close it before continuing down the hall. “How could you know that I’ll like it?”

“I know you like sushi and pizza,” Phil said, defensively. “And I have a super secret source to help me out, as well.”

“So, Louise,” Dan concluded.

“Super secret,” Phil repeated, maintaining a very serious facial expression as he marched onward towards the lift.

“Louise,” Dan repeated, pulling out his phone. “I’m gonna ask her.”

“If,” Phil began, hitting the down button on the wall next to the lift, ‘Louise were to be the secret source, which she isn’t, she would have been sworn to secrecy. Hypothetically. If she were. Which she isn’t,” Phil finished.

 

“I am guessing by secrecy, you mean you made her promise not to tell me. I am also guessing that you did not take into account that without me there, Louise will need a temporary best friend to tell everything to until I get home and can resume my role as confidante. And knowing her as well as I do, I know she will pick someone who has just about as much interest in her favorite piece of gossip as she does, which leaves one person, who I am assuming you have already guessed is none other than Martyn Lester. Whom I could call right now, as he is not sworn to into any sort of secrecy pact,” Dan said, smiling smugly and holding up his phone tauntingly as he stepped into the lift.

 

“No, don’t,” Phil whined, pouting. “Please,” he added, more softly, more seriously than before.

Dan tucked his phone back into his pocket and looked at Phil with a mock chastising glare. “Ok, just this once, I’m going to let it slide. But just know, I will go to the ends of the earth to figure out a surprise before it happens, because, personally, not a fan.”

Phil wilted a little. “It doesn’t have to be a surprise if you don’t want it to be,” he said quietly, not making eye contact. The elevator beeped with each floor they passed, punctuating their conversation.

“No, no, no, I want it to be a surprise. You were excited, keep being excited, I want you to be excited,” Dan said, tipping Phil’s face up with his finger to look at him.

“I know,” Phil said shrugging away. “But you seem a little weird, so if it’s because the whole element of surprise thing that is bugging you, then it doesn’t have to be a surprise.”

“No, that’s not… I know I’m weird right now, but that isn’t why. You know me. Sometimes I get too much in my own head,” he explained, not bothering to mention the person who pulled him so far back into his headspace in the first place. “It's nothing you did. It's all me, Phil. I have a feeling that whenever there's going to be a problem, it's gonna be all me.”

Phil perked up at that immediately. “No, it won't. Don't say that. I don't like that,” Phil said, reaching out for Dan’s hand.

Dan intertwined his fingers with the other man’s, feeling the worry slip almost entirely away now as Phil ran his thumb along the side of his own. “Agree to disagree. Just shut up and surprise me.”

“I'm not going to agree to that, but ok. I'll shut up for now, but I will make sure you know you aren't a problem.”

“You can prove that later. How about now you just kiss me and take me to dinner?”

The elevator rang indicating they had reached the ground floor.

Phil turned and pulled him closer, murmuring, “Now that I can do.”

Their mouths connected just as the elevator doors opened to several men that worked at the expo in other booths. They were met with a chorus of wolf whistles, as well as a few uncomfortable coughs.

Dan pulled away first, his cheeks burning red.

Phil seemed oddly proud, not letting go of Dan’s hand as Dan dragged him quickly from the elevator.

“‘Scuse us, boys,” Phil called over his shoulder, laughing as Dan shushed him.

\\\\\

The place they were going was close enough to walk. They did so hand in hand, Phil leading the way and Dan eyeing each restaurant they passed suspiciously, unsure of what to expect. He prayed that Louise had done a good job with her suggestion. Not that he was particularly picky, he was just bad and pretending to like something when he didn’t. That was part of why he hated surprises or other things like opening up gifts in front of people because he just wasn’t good at masking his true feelings.

His phone felt heavy in his pocket, weighed down by the knowledge that the answer to where he was going was just a couple taps of the thumb away if he really wanted it. But he promised Phil he wouldn't, so he'd just suffer. He just prayed it wasn't one of those stuffy pretentious places like the one they saw Carter in. He hoped Phil had learned his lesson as well as he had with that experience; they just weren't cut out for that kind of scene.

“Almost there,” Phil beamed at him.

Dan dragged his eyes away from the passing storefronts to shoot the other man a smile, then went back to agonizing over which door they would be entering.

Some places, while he liked the genre, were not ideal first date places. For example, when they passed a nice little Indian food joint, he hoped against hope that it wasn’t _the_ place because he wasn’t ready to have his first post date kiss with curry breath.

 

Phil came to a halt a few doors down.

“I thought we could try this again. But like for real this time. I wanted it to be real last time, but I guess I wasn’t brave enough to actually ask you,” Phil said.

Dan looked at the restaurant. Sushi. He could always go for sushi. Louise knew that, so she had probably suggested that Phil do the whole redo thing. Looking back, Phil was definitely aiming more towards date with that dinner than he was business expense, that was clear now. But Dan couldn’t deny that he was happy to be able to do it right this time.

So one anxiety down. It was food he wouldn’t hate.

 

Phil opened the door for him. The inside was definitely a step up from the place they had been for their first dinner out together just meer days ago. It was funny how time passed so quickly and yet that moment felt as though it had occurred one hundred years ago. A hostess appeared and took both men’s coats, then, after marking down their party’s arrival in the reservation book, whisked them away to a table. It seemed as though only ten seconds had passed between their sitting down and the first waiter arriving at the table, pouring them each a glass of water and hot green tea without asking if they would actually like any to begin with. Luckily, Dan at least was happy to drink it.

 

The service was quick, which in most places was good, but in this case it felt like they were trying to make time go too fast. Ordering was a whirlwind. He felt as though he had barely spoken to Phil since they sat down apart from a short discussion over whether tuna or salmon sashimi is better. They had decided on tuna, good thing too, because the server reappeared only minutes after dropping the menus into their laps.

 

“People that come to fancy places like this often must be sticklers for fast service,” Phil said, smiling, amused and overwhelmed as the waiter tornadoed away to place their orders.

“That has to be it. Either that or they all took speed this morning in their coffee instead of sugar,” Dan speculated jokingly.

“So,” Phil began awkwardly. “This is weird.”

“It’s only weird if you say it is,” Dan replied, fidgeting with his chopsticks, but he had to admit that the atmosphere of it all was different than what he had come to be used to with Phil. There was a brand new shiny expectation.

‘I can’t ask you normal first date stuff,” Phil pointed out.

“Why is that?”

“Because I already know the superficial stuff about you. I know that you’re in your gap year. I know that you probably want to study english or law. I know that you moved out of your parents house recently. I know what movies you like and what music. I’ve been to your house. I have seen you in your underwear. You’ve seen ME in MY underwear. I feel like I already know most of the superficial stuff about you, and you’re not supposed to get all heavy on a first date, so I can’t get all deep either,” Phil rambled. He caught himself talking for what he must have felt was too long and took a long sip of tea.

“We don’t have to play by the rules, do we?” Dan said after a moment of silent.

“To be completely honest, I can’t think of a moment since Friday that we have played by the rules,” Phil pointed out.

“Then why start now?” Dan asked feeling suddenly brave.

A smile broke across Phil’s face. “OK, so heavy hitting questions permitted?”

“Sure,” Dan said.

“Ok,” Phil said, thinking for a moment. “What about this is scaring you the most at the moment? Because I know you’re scared of something and I want to quell that if I can.”

Dan’s breath caught.

“I don’t think you can quell it.”

“Why not?”

“It’s not… within your control.”

“What to do you mean?”

Dan paused. He had told himself he wasn’t going to tell Phil, that he wasn’t going to make a big deal of it outwardly, that he wasn’t going to ruin this night.

But it was too late to say nothing. He had hesitated too long, Phil knew there was something now. He couldn’t avoid it.

He supposed he could lie. But what good would that do as a foundation for their relationship?

 

He took in a deep breath.

“Carter. It’s Carter.”

“I told you, Dan, that is so beyond over-” Phil began, looking slightly annoyed.

“He came round the expo hall looking for you,” Dan said.

“Oh.”

“And gave me quite the talking to.”

“Oh,” Phil breathed again. “Did he… Did he hurt you or touch you or anything?”

“No.”

“What did he do?”

Dan looked down at the table, running his finger over the wood grain.

“He said that you would never love me properly,” Dan said, editing it down a bit from what it really was. He couldn’t say that yet, it was far too soon.

“Oh, Dan,” Phil said after a moment's pause, his voice soft and sad.

“What?” Dan answered, not looking up.

“I know this sounds crazy, but I think I already do.”

Dan froze.

“Already do what?” He asked, his voice barely audible above the din of the restaurant.

“Love you properly, you idiot,” Phil said.

Dan looked up, fighting the smile on his lips as so not to look like a huge nerd.

“Oh. Good.”

“Oh good ? That’s it?”

“No.”

“Oh?”

“Me, too,” Dan said, blushing

“You too what?”

“I think I love you properly, too,” Dan said quickly.

“Oh.” Phil echoed, smiling brilliantly. “Good.”

 


	17. Chapter 17

The waiter set down their food. Dan nodded his thanks but said nothing. A silence had settled over the table. 

It was not an uncomfortable silence, just the type of silence that tends to occur after something has been said and that something potentially changes everything about life as they knew it. Just to be a little bit over dramatic. 

Dan was unsure whether he should laugh or cry. He was happy. Of course he was happy. It felt to good to be real. 

It wasn’t exactly like he had dreamed it would be all those years he fantasized about Phil falling in love with him, but he thought maybe it was better. He had always imagined Phil saying something like “Dan Howell, I am completely in love with you.” But that didn’t sound real. 

_ I know this sounds crazy, but I think I already do.  _

_ Love you properly, you idiot.  _

He sighed, a smile touching his lips. He knew he would remember that moment forever, that those words would be imprinted in his brain until his deathbed, where he would think, “Yeah. Dan and Phil. That was a thing.” 

 

And maybe, at that point, they still would be. But he pushed that thought from his mind, he wouldn’t be the boy that thought about forever when they had only been an item for a matter of hours. Okay, maybe he would be that boy, but he would be the last to admit it. 

 

“What are you smiling about?” Phil asked, pulling him back into reality, or perhaps just reminding him that reality was finally just as good as all the fantasies he’d been having for years and years. 

“What do you think?” Dan asked, hoping it sounded more like ‘isn’t it obvious?’

“Haven’t a clue.” Phil said, turning back to his plate, but reaching his hand across the table, an open invitation for Dan to take it. 

“No idea at all?” Dan prodded, placing his hand in Phil’s, his heartbeat quickening at the contact, realizing that it was the first time he was touching someone that he loved while also knowing that the other man loved him. And maybe that didn’t mean anything, maybe this was no different than any other time they had touched, but it felt like it was. 

And judging from the sparkle in Phil’s eye, it probably was. 

“Not in the slightest,” Phil said, a smile breaking through his clueless facade, telling Dan that he was, in fact, full of it. 

“You’re such an ass,” Dan said, taking a bite of his food. 

“Yeah, but I’m yours, so you like it,” Phil pointed out, emphasising the statement by jabbing his chopsticks at the air. 

“Oh, do I?” 

“Yep, you do.” 

“I guess I do,” Dan agreed, finally. 

 

Liked it. Well, wasn’t that the understatement of the year. 

 

/////

 

After dinner, hey walked around the bit of London that was within feasible walking distance from their hotel. At least, it was within feasible walking distance according to Phil ,who spent much more time outside and moving than Dan did, but Dan wasn’t about to start complaining and ruin their first date. He would just make it clear that in the future, walking? Not a cute date idea. Cute date ideas included movies and video games and popcorn with unpopped kernels at the bottom that he could eat and maybe a board game. They did not include exercise. Well, exercise outdoors at least. 

 

Dan had no fucking clue where he was. He had never spent much time in the city, but after this week, he thought he might like to. 

Dan found himself currently being dragged through a park. Phil was leading him by the hand as though he had a specific destination in mind, but Dan was quickly coming to the conclusion that Phil was just as lost as he was. 

Yet, he had to admit, looking around the park under the city night sky, the air a bit brisk and Phil beside him, he had been in much worse situations. 

 

“Phil?”

“Yeah?” 

“Where are we going?’ 

“You’ll see.” 

“I get the feeling you don’t know either.” 

“You could say that.” 

“I could and I did.”

“Well, you’d be right.” 

“So, we’re lost, then?” 

“I prefer the term ‘temporarily inhabiting an unfamiliar space,’ which, funny thing, with time, will soon become familiar,” Phil said, slowing their pace as they neared a bench. 

“I hate you.” 

“You don’t.” 

“Debateable.” 

Phil slowed to a complete stop, Dan stopping closely behind him. 

“And how do you suggest we debate that?” Phil inquired. He took both of Dan’s hands in his and pulled him closer. 

 

Dan tried to sound confident in his retort, but his nerves were acting up again. He knew that Phil was going to kiss him, he could feel it almost as though the other man had the ability to send the message telepathically through his fingers and into Dan’s hands. He felt Phil studying his face, his eyes lingering on his lips, and of course,  _ of course,  _ he wanted to kiss him, too but he was scared. Sure it wasn’t like this was the first time but it was a first. He had never kissed anyone that loved him before. He hated himself for having to make a huge mental production out of everything now that the “L word” had been uttered, but he did. This was different. He wanted it to be different. He was scared that if it didn’t feel different, then love didn’t exist. Of course, every kiss he had shared with Phil had been different than others he had had because, fuck, it was _ Phil, _ but this one. This one was one he never thought would happen. 

 

Finally, he mustered up an answer to Phil’s question. 

“Fight to the death,” he responded, cursing the ever apparent truth that blunt sarcasm was his one tried and true defense mechanism. 

“Hm,” Phil responded thoughtfully, pulling Dan’s arms around his waist, then letting go of the younger boy’s wrists to wrap his arms around Dan’s neck. “I can’t say I like that idea too much, because, surely, I would win, and then I wouldn’t have you around and that wouldn’t be anyway to live. Also, I would be in prison, which is less than ideal.” 

“That’s true,” Dan responded, with the same air of faux-thoughtfulness, hoping Phil didn’t notice the slight shakiness in his voice. 

“I guess we need an alternative then, huh?” Phil asked, their noses nearly touching. 

Dan felt a shiver down his spine as Phil’s breath ghosted over his lips. 

“Fuckin’ fight me,” was his only response. 

And with that, Dan closed the space between them, their lips colliding hungrily. Dan pulled Phil closer to him, his arms tightening around his waist. He felt himself melt into Phil, finding it hard to comprehend that they were, in fact, two separate people in this moment. That wasn’t to say that Phil was a missing piece and together they made some sort of whole. No, what Dan was feeling, possibly for the first time in his life, was not that he was being completed by this other human but that somehow, he, already a whole person, was becoming so much more. 

He felt as though they were two stars coming together in some sort of stellar collision to make something more. Not better. Just more. 

He felt like his blood was hot and cold at the same time and he was so hyper aware of every contact point between his own body and Phil’s that he thought he might explode. 

And it was felt right. It didn’t feel like magic, it didn’t feel like he had ever been told it would, like anyone had ever attempted to explain it, but it felt so god damn right. 

Finally, Dan pulled away from Phil, breathing heavily. “Shit,” he said. 

“Romantic,” Phil responded, smiling, his eyes a bit glazed, his mouth a bit swollen. Dan’s heart just about stopped at the sight of him. 

“Phil?” 

“Yeah.” 

“I love you,” Dan breathed. No “I think I might”s no “I maybe do”s. There was no doubt about it. Not now, anyway. 

Phil smiled, but said nothing. 

“What?” Dan said, a bit panicked. Was it to early for certainty? Did they have to keep saying that they think they might love each other and not outright confess yet?

“I just won,” Phil said triumphantly. 

“Won what?” Dan asked, perplexed.

“You said you hated me, I said you didn’t, you said debateable, then told me to fight you,” Phil explained. “Then you said I love you, so I won.” 

Dan pulled his hand from around Phil’s waist and swatted his shoulder, pouting. 

“You little shit.” 

“Sorry,” Phil said, leaning in and kissing Dan’s cheek.”But you know what?” 

Dan looked at him expectantly. 

“I love you, too.” 

“You better.” 

“It’s hard not to,” Phil pointed out. “You’re pretty cute.” 

“Damn straight,” Dan agreed. 

“Well, I mean, bad choice of phrasing, but yes.” 

“Shut up,” Dan said, swatting him again. 

 

Phil laughed then shivered in Dan’s arms. 

“I’m cold. I think it’s time to go back.” 

“Me too,” Dan agreed. “Do you know how to get there?” he added, coming to the realization once more that he was standing in a park in the dark with no real bearings as to where he came from and where he should go. 

“No,” Phil admitted, but without a tinge of panic. The knowledge that they could potentially be wandering around the city in the cold for god knows how long until they found their hotel filled Dan with definite dread, but Phil seemed perfectly unphased. 

“So… how do you suggest we find our way back/” Dan said, eyeing Phil , looking for any sign of the gears of worry working in Phil’s brain. 

“This?” he replied, pulling out his phone and opening the maps app. 

“Oh,” Dan said, inwardly smacking himself in the face at his unwarranted worry. Of course, there was that option. 

“Did you forget that it’s not 1972 and we have an interactive map of the entire world in our pockets?” Phil asked, raising his eyebrows at the other man. 

“I don’t appreciate the sass, Philip,” Dan said, letting go of Phil’s hand so he had both free to type in the information they needed to get back. 

“Ew, don’t call me Philip. My gran calls me Philip,”Phil said, wrinkling his nose in distaste. 

“So, not hot?”

“I never thought I would call anything you did not hot, but yeah, it’s not doing anything good for me, babe,” Phil confirmed, pressing ‘start navigation’ on his phone. 

 

Dan’s stomach flipped a little bit at the sound of the word “babe.” He had never been one for pet names, but when they were said in Phil’s voice, he had to admit that he didn’t hate them so much. 

 

“This way,” Phil decided after studying the instructions his phone had supplied him. He outstretched his hand towards Dan in a way that almost felt automatic, less like he was thinking about holding hands and more like he was magnetized and was constantly being pulled towards Dan. 

Dan took his hand and let himself be led once more through the unfamiliar city, drinking in his surroundings in the park quickly and to the best of his ability before they left, hoping that should he ever stumble upon it again, he would be able to recognize it as a place where something big happened. Something he got the feeling was terribly, terribly important to the rest of his life, in some way, shape, or form. 

  
  


//////

 

Both of them knew that they should have gone to bed when they arrived back at the hotel around ten, but neither of them really wanted to. It wasn’t as though they had consulted each other about it, they just both knew they weren’t quite ready for the night to be over. They had both changed into their pajamas at this point, Phil in his pajama bottoms and nothing else, which Dan found very distracting. Dan felt slightly more modest in both a band t-shirt and his pajama pants. 

 

They had stopped by a convenience store on the way back to the hotel, Dan picking up a bag of Maltesers and Phil a bag of salt and vinegar squares, which they now were eating sat on the floor between their beds.

 

There wasn’t a lot of room down there and as they were both tall, it was kind of cramped, but they didn’t mind the lack of space. It was just another excuse to be close to one another.

 

“Where do you want to travel most in the world?” Dan asked, cringing at the clicheness of his own question, the clicheness of the entire situation really. 

 

He never saw him as a person sitting up late into the night and talking a whole lot about nothing with someone he liked, not to mention that that person would already be his boyfriend. 

“Probably America. Or Japan. ” 

“Haven’t you already been to America?” Dan asked, throwing a Malteser in the air and catching it in his mouth. He recalled Phil leaving on a trip with his family to America before he worked at the store because he had gone looking for him and he wasn’t there. He left that part out and hoped Phil just assumed that he had told him some other time and not ask him how he knew that.  

“Only Florida, and according to most Americans on the internet, that’s not even the good part,” Phil said. “I want to go to New York or California. You know, see the parts of California that my dad always talks about.” 

“I want to go there, too. Both of those places. Well, all of those places,” Dan corrected himself. 

“Well, who says we can’t?” Phil asked, popping a chip in his mouth as he spoke. 

 

And Dan knew he probably didn't mean anything by it. He probably just meant there's nothing stopping either of them from traveling at some point in their lives and they will surely see those places at some point. “We” didn't always mean that you were going to do something together. It just meant that the possibility applied to both of them. 

 

“I probably won't be able to travel much until I finish school, and who knows when that will be, because I haven't even started,” Dan said, more just for something to say rather than really meaning it. 

“We’ll find time to go before then,” Phil replied, a sureness in his voice. 

 

Dan had to restrain himself from punching a fist in the air and whispering “yes!” As a victory dance. Phil had meant together. Phil was already including Dan in his future plans, plans that may not happen for years down the line. He must really like him. 

 

He felt the urge to text Louise and tell her but he knew Phil would make fun of him if he saw so Dan decided to excuse himself to go the restroom. 

 

“Noooo,” Phil whined, using one hand to grab Dan’s wrist and the other to grab his leg as he stood up. “Don't go,” he pouted holding Dan in place.

“I'll be five minutes,” Dan assured him, laughing.

“But I'll miss you,” Phil said, pulling on Dan’s arm to get him to sit bac down.

“I think you'll be ok.”

“I won't. I won't be ok, I'll be so sad,” Phil complained, wrapping his arm around Dan’s leg so he couldn't possibly move without falling over like an idiot. 

He looked down at Phil, a grown man sitting cross legged on the floor while clinging to his legs, and he couldn't help but laugh. 

“Come back down here for just one second and then you can go.” 

“Phiiiil,” Dan complained, but he let himself be pulled down into Phil’s lap, Phil uncrossing his legs and Dan straddling them, his knees resting on the ground at either side of Phil’s legs. 

“What?” Phil asked, resting his hands on Dan’s hips. 

“You know what,” Dan said, resting his forehead against Phil's but not closing the gap between their lips. 

“I'm not doing anything,” Phil insisted, moving his hand to squeeze dan’s butt as he said so. 

“You know damn well that isn’t true,” Dan whispered. 

“What are you going to do about it?” Phil retorted, tilting his head so their lips were just barely grazing each other as he spoke. 

Dan finally gave in, kissing Phil feverishly, Phil raking his hands up Dan’s back pulling him closer. Dan was really losing himself in it when Phil pulled away. 

“What are you doing?” Dan whined, trying desperately to reconnect their mouths.

“Weren't you about to go somewhere?” Phil asked, motioning towards the bathroom. 

“Well, yeah,” Dan said mopily, not wanting to admit that the whole going to the bathroom thing had been a RUSE and he was really just going to text his friend.

“So why don't you go?”

“Well you know, you made it really easy not to want to go anymore,” Dan complained, leaning back to get a better look at Phil. 

“Well you gotta,” Phil answered, shrugging. “And now you'll be just as sad about it as I am.”

“Yea, whatever, Lester,” Dan said, finally standing up again, trying his best to sound annoyed. 

“I love you, too, Howell,” Phil called after him. 

“Oh, yeah?” Dan asked, pretending hearing the phrase in Phil’s voice didn't make him weak in the knees.

“Yep,” Phil confirmed. 

“Thought so,” was all he could think to say as he shut the door behind him. He shut it, leaning his back against it and pulling out his phone.

 

Dan: Lou, I'm so gone. I'm absolutely fucked.

Dan: this is real life right?

Lou: what happened? 

 

Louise replied with lightening speed as though she had been expecting him.

 

Dan: he told me he loves me

Lou: OH

Lou: MY 

Lou: GOD

Lou: I don't know if this is real life

Lou: is everyone sober

Dan: sober as a judge

Dan: He told me once like an hour ago and he’s told me like three times since

Lou: SO WHY DIDN”T I KNOW AN HOUR AGO

 

And just like that, his phone was ringing. 

Dan was hesitant to answer as Phil could clearly hear him through the door. He did what he thought would be best. He flushed the empty toilet (feeling slightly guilty at wasting water when there were droughts all across the world, but it wasn’t like he was going to mail the water to California or drink it, so he might as well flush it) and pressed the accept option on his phone. At least Phl wouldn’t think he was sitting on the loo whilst talking to Lou. 

 

“Hey,” he said his voice hushed. 

“Why am I always the last person to find these things out?” Louise said, skipping introductions as always. 

“Lou, you’re the only person to find these things out? Who am I going to tell? My mom? Martyn? Neither of them really want to hear about what’s going on in their relative’s love lives,” Dan pointed out, trying to keep his voice as quiet as he could, knowing that using names that Phil recognized, especially his brother’s would probably perk up his attention, even if it wasn’t his intent to eavesdrop. 

“I know. About that, you should really get more friends, I mean what happened to everyone in high school? We had other friends right?” Lou asked speculatively. 

“There was only you in high school. And anyone who worked at the store. But mostly you.” 

“You’re hopeless.”

“Just bad at keeping in touch with people I don’t particularly care about and very good at having a one track mind about people I do,” Dan said. “Anyway,” he added, drawing out the two syllables into what felt like many, many more. “I told you, isn’t that what’s important? You can’t expect me to have him say something like that and then say “can you hold for just a moment?’ and then pull out my phone and call you?” 

“Well I mean I wouldn’t MIND if you did that no. But it would decrease your game quite a bit, I do admit,” Louise answered. Dan could hear the smile in Louise’s voice. He had been gone for four days and he missed her like crazy, but things had only calmed down enough for him to notice just how much the Louise shaped hole in his heart ached to see her again, to just go home to his apartment and sit in his bedroom and give her a play by play of everything that had happened in the past week and she could tell him everything that had happened to her. Hell, with him not hovering around her twenty four seven like her tall, dark and occasionally handsome boyfriend type figure, she might have met someone. 

 

He sighed. Now that the realized how much he truly missed Louise, he almost couldn’t think of anything else. The operative word being almost. He was sure that if what had happened tonight hadn’t been as monumental as it was, he would have had no problem pushing every emotion but the Louise missing one away. But unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately as the sense of missing her would not completely crush him, he had a distraction. 

 

“Why are we sighing when everything is finally going right?” Louise asked, sounding slightly concerned. “Don’t tell me that now that you have him you don’t want him anymore. I swear Dan, I will drive to London right now and punch the shit out of you if you tell me you don’t like him after the literal hundreds of hours I have spent listening to you talk about how perfect he is  and how he would never want someone like you and-” 

“Louise, no, oh my god, I want him so much it’s actually sickening, like if I told you, you might actually gag,” Dan said, letting his voice return to normal volume in his alarm. 

“You have told me, and I did gag. I just wanted to make sure you hadn’t changed your mind, you big ol’ sap,” Louise teased. “So if it’s not a Phil related sigh, then what is it, because I wasn’t aware you were capable of  sighs that weren’t caused by Phil.” 

“It’s a  _ you _ related sigh, Lou. I miss you, you lovely, dense woman, you,” Dan said. “Of course I miss you, who wouldn’t?” he added, his tone softer. 

“Well, you come home tomorrow night don’t you?” 

Shit. He did. He had completely forgotten. This week would come to an end. There would be a time where Dan and Phil were a couple outside of London. There would be a time they had to return home. They had to go back to the shop and pretend they weren’t completely in love with each other. Maybe they could pull off being around each other all the time if they just acted like best friends. But Dan was not having the crushing realization that everyone would notice that he was no longer pining after Phil. Would he have to pretend to be lovesick over his own boyfriend? He supposed in a way, he was lovesick, but not like he was before. Not the kind of lovesick that felt like a hurricane in his stomach. Not the kind that made it feel like his heart was crawling up his throat, scraping down his esophagus with newly sprouted talons every time Phil’s eyes rested on his face. This was a different lovesick. More palatable. It made his blood feel like it was made of molten iron, but in the most pleasant way possible. It made him feel like he was floating. It made him feel, for possibly the first time in his whole life, content. 

It was going to be hard to conceal. 

But knowing that one day, maybe even soon, he would be able to tell everyone that Phil Lester had chosen him, out of everyone on the planet to love, filled him with determination. Determination to do his damn best. 

On a less impending doom note, going home tomorrow night meant that he would most likely be greeted by Louise somehow already in his home waiting for him. (She did that sometimes, he didn’t know how. He had two theories. One was that she had woken up early and gone to the hardware store to have the key duplicated while he slept in after one of their many slumber parties. The other, and far less likely theory, was that Louise was leading his middle aged landlord along, convincing him to let her in whenever she wanted by being the flirty vixen he knew so well she could be. He shuddered at the thought of his balding, Danny Devito-eque roommate lusting after Lou and seriously hoped it was the first option.) 

“Yeah,” Dan confirmed. “I am. We are.” 

“Look at that. You and Phil are a “we” now are you?” 

“I would have said we are coming home whether or not we were dating, Lou, because it is the simple truth. Both Phil and I are coming back. Together in the same car. I think that makes us a we no matter what the finer points of our relationship to one another may be.” 

“Pshh, whatever, Danny boy. I’ll see you then, though?” 

“Of course.” 

“And Dan?” 

“Yes, Louise?” 

“I miss you, too, in case you didn’t know.” 

“I know. See you soon.”  

“Not if I see you first, lovely.” 

The connection was terminated from Louise’s end. 

Dan looked around the bathroom and sighed. So much had already changed this week and it was about to change more. The whole being in London thing had made the whole “dating Phil” thing seem more… dream like. Like the whole thing was part of some weird vacation from reality. But now, with the prospect of returning home to his tiny apartment and his job in a tiny pet store looming ahead of him, the weight of the whole thing settled down on his shoulders. 

Somehow, in the past four days, Phil had changed his life. Sure, he had done that in the last four years, too, but this was so much. 

For the first time in his life, Dan felt like things were going  _ right _ . That somewhere along the way, the decisions he had made had been the correct ones. And while the feeling was great it was also scary. Because when you have everything you ever wanted, what are you supposed to want next? 

  
  


Dan ran the sink and splashed some water on his face. A simple phone call shouldn’t be enough to put him in a head space like this, but it did. He always managed to make things that shouldn’t happen happen. Maybe that’s why Phil was dating him. He tried to answer the question that was wrapping its claws around his stomach in a death grip. Now that he had The Thing he had been running after for god knows how long, what did he want? 

 

He supposed the answer wasn’t so hard. A future. With Phil. To travel. To see California and New York and Japan with Phil by his side. He wanted to discover the world through the eyes of someone who feels that they are, in fact, good enough to be loved. 

He wanted to find his passion, though he had not even the beginning of a thought to what that would be, and have the support from the people he loved to explore himself that way. Most of all, he just wanted to be happy. He didn’t know what that would mean a month from now or a year from now or even a decade from now, but he wanted to find out. 

 

And with that thought, the weight dissipated, or at least became bearable. He looked at himself in the mirror, took a deep breath, and turned back to the door to face Phil once more. 

 

He cracked the door to find Phil snuggling into bed. Which was fine, except the bed he was snuggling into was Dan’s. 

“Hey, what’s the idea?” Dan asked, softly, padding over to the side of the bed and nudging Phil. 

Phil nuzzled the pillow- Dan’s pillow- and replied sleepily. “You took too long talking to Louise and not actually going to the bathroom at all. You know, I felt bad about getting you all riled up for having to leave to take care of an absolute necessity,  but now I don’t mind.” 

“Oi, shush.” Dan said, pushing Phil’s hair back from his face as he stood at the side of the bed. “What I meant was what’s with you in my bed?” 

“Smells like you. Missed you. My bed’s too far away,” Phil rattled off answers and closed his eyes. 

“You were sitting between the beds, they were both the same distance from you,” Dan pointed out. 

“Yeah, but I like this one better because it has you in it,” Phil replied. 

“Well it doesn’t yet,” Dan corrected him. 

“But it did before and I knew it would again,” Phil reminded him. 

“So is this your way of telling me you’re going to sleep in my bed and I am also going to sleep in my bed and we are going to sleep in the same bed together?” Dan asked. Dan tried not to sound nervous. He had only shared bed’s with Louise and his old best friend in elementary school, PJ. 

“I thought it was pretty straight forward, but if you want it spelled out, yes, that’s what I am saying. Is that okay?” Phil hummed sleepily. 

“Yeah.” The single syllable tripped over Dan’s tongue but Phil didn’t seem to notice. 

“Shut off the light then, would you, Dan?” 

Dan obliged then crawled into bed, leaving a little space between them as he settled into the pillow, his back to Phil as he didn’t want to wake up in the morning blowing his morning breath all over Phil’s face. He thought that was it, that this is how they would spend the night, but Phil’s hands quickly found Dan’s waist and snaked around it, pulling him closer to him. Phil rested his chin in the crook of Dan’s neck, his breath tickling Dan’s ear. Dan wasn’t exactly sure what to do with his hands, so he just placed them on top of Phil’s, as if to ensure they remained clasped around him. 

 

Phil let out a little noise of contentedness right into Dan’s ear, sending a wave of goosebumps over his whole body.  

“I love you, Dan. Goodnight,” Phil whispered, squeezing Dan lightly. 

“I love you, too,” he whispered. He listened to Phil’s breathing slow as he drifted off into sleep. It was calming, and he found that though he didn’t think he was that tired, he began to drift off as well. The last thought he remembered having as he fell into dreaming was that maybe just being happy felt a whole lot like this. 


	18. Chapter 18

Waking up hardly felt real.  
Dan kept his eyes closed, letting himself feel his surroundings before he actually see them. He worried that if he opened his eyes, he would be back in his apartment, alone in his bed, staring up at the familiar watermarks in the ceiling.  
But he did feel pressure around his waist, Phil’s arm still resting there, he presumed. Phil’s gentle breathing still tickled at the back of his neck confirming for sure that Dan was not alone.  
He wanted to lay here forever, stay this close to Phil forever, closer than he had thought he would be.  
He opened his eyes and judged the light seeping in through the gap between the bottom of the blinds and the window sill. It was still a purpley grey, the color of early morning. He had time to sleep if he wanted to. He was tired. But he didn’t particularly think he wanted to. It felt like a waste. He wanted to spend his last few moments in this room completely aware of everything.

Dan knew the thought was stupid, but part of him thought that the world he had lived in the past few days couldn’t exist outside of London. Part of him thought that they would drive the company van across the city limits and everything would completely change. Like there would be a huge bright flash of light that would cause everything to revert to normal and Phil to forget everything that had happened, like what those sticks the Men in Black had. And if that happened, Phil would stop liking him. At least openly.

Dan would say fall out of love, but the thought hurt too much as it was. So he would forget the love part for the moment.

But still, he felt like there were a million reasons this couldn’t exist outside the confines of the city. Maybe there was something in the water in London. What if Phil was having weird delusions because of lead poisoning? Did lead poisoning cause delusions? If Phil had lead poisoning, wouldn’t Dan also? Were they both delusional? Or worse yet, was Dan suffering from lead poisoning and currently in a hospital unconscious and all of this was some fantasy his brain was playing out while he lie comatose?  
He sighed. So the last one was a bit far fetched.  
Okay, maybe all of them were a bit far fetched.  
But not impossible.

He fidgeted a bit, rolling on to his back. He wanted to look at Phil, but he didn’t want to be creepy. He didn’t want to have a moment ever where Phil could wake up, see him staring, and make the mental note that perhaps his boyfriend was an Edward Cullen wannabe. Although, maybe that wouldn’t be his first thought as Twilight was hardly relevant anymore. Regardless, Dan didn’t want to be that guy that watched people while they slept. Even if Phil was the Most Beautiful Person he had ever seen and he had been depriving himself of looking directly at him for more than a few seconds for pretty much all his life.

Before, looking directly at Phil’s face felt like looking into the sun; he knew he wasn’t supposed to, but god, did he want to stare. Now, it felt like looking at a solar eclipse. Sure, he was allowed to, but only through a weird piece of paper with a pinhole in it and only for a few minutes before he had to look away again.

Phil stirred in his sleep, as though he could sense Dan thinking about him. He shifted so his head came to rest on Dan’s chest. Dan restrained himself from sighing contentedly, afraid that the rise and fall of his breathing would disturb Phil’s sleep. He let himself wrap and arm around Phil, to hold him closer, to keep him there, if only for a few more minutes. They would have to wake up soon.  
He closed his eyes and tried to memorize this feeling. He couldn’t shake the thought that this would be the last time. He wondered if he would always worry that it would be the last time. But maybe that meant he was doing it right. Didn’t someone once say you were supposed to live everyday as though it was your last? But that thought brought the image of Lucy from the Peanuts running across a comic panel screaming “This is the last day! I only have twenty four hours left! Help me!” and decided perhaps that wasn’t the best ideology to live by. Especially when you had the tendency to get a bit existential.

He was startled out of his thought’s by Phil’s raspy voice.

“Your anxiety is seeping into my head like osmosis,” he muttered, rubbing his face against Dan’s chest. “You don’t even know what relaxed feels like, do you?”

Phil turned over onto his stomach, propping himself up on his elbows to look at Dan. His hair was wild, sticking up every which way. Dan wanted to touch it. So he did. Because he could. Because he was allowed to.

Phil smiled at him sleepily.  
“What are you going?” Phil asked, leaning into Dan’s hand as he brushed the hair back from his face.  
“You’re all floofy,” he murmured, tangling his fingers in the soft locks.  
“Is that the technical term?” Phil chuckled.  
“You look like an anime character.”  
“Am I a cute anime character?”  
“Oh definitely.”  
“That’s fine, then,” he said, taking Dan’s free hand and pressing a kiss into his palm.  
“Do you dye it?” Dan blurted out, meaning for it just to be an internal thought, one he had had many times before.  
“That, my friend, is top secret,” Phil answered, raising his eyebrows.  
“That’s a yes,” Dan teased.  
“How'd you know?” Phil groaned.  
“Well a) I've seen your family, you definitely didn't inherit it, and b) no one’s has like naturally true black hair. If you look at it hard enough, it always ends up just being a very very dark brown. But not yours. Yours is black in every light.”  
“You've studied it that hard, have you?”  
“Of course. Black is my favorite color.”  
“What if I stopped dying it?”  
“I'd still like it. I'd like you if you had no hair at all. Although you would lose your emo charm.”  
“Oh, wouldn't want to lose that,” Phil joked.  
“It would be a sad day, that's for sure. I always had a soft spot for emo looking boys.”  
“Lucky for you, I fall into that category.”  
“Well I wouldn't say lucky. I chose you on purpose.”  
“Good to know it was my “emo charm” that originally attracted you to me,” Phil said rolling his eyes.

On the bedside table, Phil’s alarm began to ring on his phone.  
He groaned, rolling over to the side of the bed to be able to reach it better.  
“I don’t want to get up,” he complained, setting the phone back down and rolling back into Dan.  
“You are up.”  
“Then I don’t want to get out of bed,” Phil corrected himself.  
“We have to,” Dan pointed out. “It’s the last day.”  
“I know that,” Phil huffed, seeming slightly annoyed. “Humor me. Tell me I don’t have to. Tell me I can just lie here with you and do nothing but think about how cute your dumb face is to my heart’s content.”  
“You can just like here with me and look at my dumb face for however long you’d like, Phil,” Dan said, hoping the blush he felt rising to his face wasn’t all that noticeable.  
“Cute dumb face,” Phil corrected, pinching Dan’s cheek to emphasis the word cute.  
“Remember last night when we talked about not doing things that grandmas do because it’s not hot,” Dan said, swatting away Phil’s hand and rubbing at his cheek where Phil had pinched. “Fuckin’ hurts, you know,” he added with a pout.  
“Did not.”  
“Did, too.”  
“Did not.”  
Dan didn’t even bother to respond, instead responding by pinching Phil’s cheek as hard as Phil had his.  
“Ow!” Phil yelped, bringing his hand up to his own face, surprised.  
“That’s what I thought.”  
“S’ rude,” Phil said, still rubbing at the pink mark Dan’s fingers had left on his face.  
“M’ sorry,” Dan said, sitting up. “But we do have to get ready to go.” He pressed a kiss into Phil’s forehead, then smoothed his hair down one more time, to no avail. So, instead of trying to correct his boyfriend’s crazy bedhead, he kissing him again, this time directly on the top of his head, laughing as he did so.  
“Since when are you mister go getter, have to get out of bed, have to be responsible, eh?” Phil asked, hooking his fingers in the back the waistband of Dan’s pajama pants as he stood up from the bed, stopping him in his tracks unless he wanted to have his pants quite literally torn off of his body.  
“Ever since you became mister laze around, make love eyes at my boyfriend all day lying shirtless in bed. One of us has to make sure we get things done,” Dan retorted, trying to pry Phil’s hand away. He felt like the girl on the front of the Coppertone bottle, getting her pants pulled down by a yorkie.  
“Do we have to go?” Phil asked, releasing the younger man from his grasps.  
“Yes, check out is at eleven, but we need to get on the expo floor before then,” Dan pointed out, pulling a pair of jeans off the floor and kicking off his pj bottoms.  
“Let’s skip it,” Phil said, definitively.  
“We can’t,” Dan answered. “We can’t just leave all the merchandise there and go home.”  
“Let’s go get it and leave. Just pick it up and go. I can’t stand to stand in that booth another day and just wait until I can be alone with you. I would rather be alone with you right now,” Phil replied.  
“What are you going to do back home? At the store?” Dan asked, turning to face Phil, leaning against the wall.  
“I don’t know,” Phil sighed, rolling over and burying his face in the pillow.  
“You won’t be able to touch me or anything there,” Dan pointed out, bending down and picking up a shirt from the floor. He guessed if they weren’t selling today, it didn’t matter if his shirt was wrinkled. He pulled it on over his head, then began picking up the clothing strewn about the room, separating it into piles; Phil’s things and his things, which, since it was mostly company shirts and black jeans, were a bit hard to tell apart.

“Don't remind me,” Phil groaned.  
“Well, I mean, it might be worth talking about now,” Dan said quietly, almost hoping Phil would say no forget about, we can worry another time. But of course Phil didn't.  
“I know. So a few hours out of the day-”  
“Eight,” Dan interjected.  
“Ok, eight hours out of the day we can't act like we're dating. At least for the next few months. I think we can manage two or three months,” Phil said, matter-of-factly.  
“You say this now but you're complaining after four days at an expo where you were allowed to touch me and act like we're dating,” Dan sighed.  
“I'm not saying I'm going to like it,” Phil replied, turning over to face Dan again. “I'm just saying it's something we have to do. Only for a little bit. And it will suck. But it's the best course of action.”  
“How can you be so objective and business like over a matter that's so..” Dan paused, holding up a shirt trying to figure out if it was his or Phil's. He resorted to smelling it, which felt a bit embarrassing, especially when the answer he determined was that it was Phil’s. He finished his thought. “Something that's so… Not business.”  
“I don't know. It's the only way I know how to think,” Phil answered, raising his eyebrow at Dan questioningly as he continued to separate the clothes.  
“Right,” Dan said. He picked up his own clothes and shoved them into his bag. He wasn’t sure if that answer made him feel better. He didn’t want to Phil to think of him as business, but if that was the only way Phil knew how to think, what options did he have?  
Phil must have sensed his unease because he added, “You’ll notice that I’m very good at business type stuff, especially when it comes to things I want,” Phil paused, seemingly struggling with his wording, or maybe feeling that what he was saying wasn’t coming out properly. Dan did have to admit that what the other man was saying was not particularly romantic, but he knew what he meant. Or at least he thought he did.  
“And,” Phil continued, “I don’t know if I have made this clear, but I want you. Very badly.”

Dan felt a blush rise to his cheeks. He felt as though the words had burned him in the best way possible. He threw the pile of clothes he had designated as Phil’s in the other man’s direction, hoping to distract him from how flustered he had become.  
“What?” Phil whined, swatting away the clothing as they hit him in the face. “Did I say something wrong?”  
“No,” Dan said, turning his face so Phil couldn’t see him as well when the barrage of clothing had cleared.  
“Then what?”  
“I dunno.”  
“You do.”  
“Just let me be all flustered about you in peace. You’re cute ok? And I’m embarrassed by how much it gets to me.”  
“That’s not fair. I wanna see your flustered face. I like it,,” Phil pouted. “You’re mean.”  
“I’ve been called worse,” Dan assured him. “Now get up.”  
“You’re a dictator.”  
“You need to get out of bed.”  
“This is torture.”  
“Phil.”  
“I am living in a totalitarian state,” he groaned, but finally got up out of the bed.  
“You kind of like it though,” Dan said, smiling at his success.  
“Oh, I love it,” Phil said, padding across the space between them and pulling Dan in for a kiss.  
Dan let him if only for a moment, mostly because he figured he couldn’t pass up an opportunity to kiss Phil after years of wanting it, but pulled away quickly. “Get. Ready.”  
“Oh, shut up,” Phil scoffed, rolling his eyes. ‘I’ll get ready,” he finally conceded, “But I will neither enjoy it, nor will I be happy about it.” He began picking up the clothing that had once been in a neat (if not nicely folded) pile from where they had landed after Dan threw them.. “Also, I will not be selling anything today. I don’t wanna and you can’t make me, so don’t try.”  
“Ok, Philip, and around what time will you be having your juice box and designated nap time? Because you’re acting five years old,” Dan asked, biting his tongue as he smiling coyly at the other man.  
“Piss off,” Phil said, but his smile told Dan he hadn’t meant it. Phil took a glance around the room then turned back to Dan. “Where’s my-”  
Dan interrupted him by kicking the duffel bag at his feet- Phil’s duffel bag- towards the other man.  
“Thanks, D-slice,” Phil said, shoving his clothing haphazardly into the partially opened bag.  
“Do not,” Dan cringed at the nickname.  
“Don’t what?” Phil asked, stripping down to his pants and pulling on some jeans.  
“Call me that,” Dan elaborated, grimacing. He sipped his bag closed and moved on to the bathroom to collect up his toiletries, brush his teeth and hair, and maybe hoard some mini soaps like a weird, very hygienic dragon.  
“I didn’t call you That, I called you D-slice, “ Phil responded, close at his heels.  
‘You know, I don’t even think people with Daddy kinks enjoy Dad Jokes,” Dan remarked, curling his lips at Phil’s comment.  
“Are you saying you have a daddy kink? Because if you do, tell me now so I can brace myself,” Phil teased.  
“No! I was just saying that even people who do don’t find the dad joke part of daddies fuckable,” Dan said, hoping he didn’t sound like he was too adamant about not having the kink. He often got overzealous about things he didn’t like and was met too many times with people trying to quote (and usually botching) the line from Hamlet, the one that went ‘the lady doth protest too much, methinks.’ He wanted to kick Shakespeare for writing it and putting that idea into people’s minds.  
“Just checking,” Phil chuckled.  
“I don’t,” Dan repeated.  
“I know,” Phil replied. “You said,” he smiled and began packing up his toiletries as Dan watched him in the mirror. Phil caught him watching and stopped as well. “You need to get ready, you know.”  
“Shut your hell mouth,” Dan said, rolling his eyes. “Don’t act like I haven’t been saying that for the past fifteen minutes.”  
“I’m not. I am just pointing out that you’ve been getting on me about it all morning, but here you are, doing nothing.”  
Dan quickly swept everything that belonged to him (and a few things that didn’t, including mini soaps) off the counter and into his bag. “There, I’m done,” Dan huffed, then turned on his heel and walked back out into the main room. “Now catch up, or I am leaving without you.”  
“You don’t have a car,” Phil called after him.  
“I’ll steal the van.”  
“You don’t have the keys.”  
“I’ll steal those, too.”  
Phil stood in the doorway to the bathroom. “You don’t know the way home.”  
“Google maps,” Dan said, stepping into his shoes.  
“Good thing I am already ready,” Phil replied. “Because this sounds like a horrible escape plan.”  
“Not ready. Your shoes aren’t on,” Dan grumbled.  
“That hardly matters, I am mostly ready,” Phil huffed, padding across the carpet to his shoes and toeing into them. “There. Better?”  
“Yes.”  
“Are we ready to go?”

Dan paused. He wasn’t. He didn’t want to go, not really, but staying was hardly an option. So he said the only answer he could really provide.  
“Yes.”  
“Alright, then. Let’s go,” Phil beamed, picking up his own bag, then Dan’s.

Dan almost protested, but decided against it. He knew Phil knew he could manage himself, that he could carry his own bag. He knew that Phil knew that, but picked it up anyway, just to be nice, just because it was a way to be polite to him, a way to show him he cared. He could have sworn Phil looked almost disappointed when Dan neglected to say anything, but he let himself believe that was just him projecting his own feelings on to the other man.

They left their keys on the front desk and walked out of the lobby. Dan felt an odd sense of relief as he walked out of the lobby doors. The world had not crumbled at their feet. They were still standing there, or walking rather, down to the street to the garage where the van had been parked all week. Phil was still carrying his bag, still looking back at him as they made their way forward, checking that Dan was keeping up. Phil still cared. Dan was still nervous. It wasn’t really the hotel that mattered, that wasn’t really the boundary that he felt the relationship could exist inside, but still. They were in the act of leaving London and nothing felt like it was ending. The world still felt solid. It still felt real. He supposed, hearing himself chuckle quietly under his breath, that was because it was still real.

“Ok. We’ll pack up the things from the booth, and then we’re off. Home again, home again, jiggity jig,” Phil announced, having thrown the bags into the van and locked it up again.  
“Why are you this way?” Dan asked, wrapping an arm around Phil’s waist as he made sure the van was locked for the second time.  
“What way?”  
“The type of way where you say jiggity jig out loud.”  
“Would you want me any other way?” Phil asked.  
Dan laughed. When he really thought about, Phil was nothing like Dan had imagined when he was still the enigma of a human he had been to most everyone at the shop. He imagined someone who was too cool to laugh, who still prefered vinyl to digital music because it was more “raw,” that he was someone who was just an all around arse. But he wasn’t that. He was silly. He said stupid stuff. He was so the opposite of what Dan had thought he was. He was better. So, no. Dan wouldn’t want him any other way.  
“Wouldn’t dream of it,” he replied, beaming at the other man.  
“Good.”

 

 

  
///

 

 

 

  
Packing up the booth took what felt like hours less than setting it up had taken. Most people were staying the rest of the day; they were one the few packing up already. Fortunately, no one really tried to interact with them while they were packing up, so it was a speedy process. They were packed up and back at the van within an hour.

Dan was both relieved to be done and sad to be back in the car. The traffic in London was already taking the city by storm, slowing down a departure that he had imagined would take far too long. On top of that, they were only listening to the radio. The van only had a tape deck and no one in this day and age actually had tapes. They weren’t back in vogue yet, though Dan predicted that with the resurgence in vinyl, the indie kids will have to find some other extremely inconvenient way to listen to their music, so cassettes may make a comeback.  
His phone was dying and Phil’s was currently plugged into the charger, so Dan was at a loss for entertainment. Hoping to find something interesting (and at this point, he thought an old road map would qualify as interesting), he opened the glove compartment and began searching through. Owners manuals, registration dating back to 1990, a very old pencil and a book of crosswords (which he would return to if he was desperate), a water damaged MAD magazine with a picture of Arthur E. Newman as baby Anakin Skywalker’s shadow on the cover, and a wad of old, unused napkins were all he found. He pulled out the magazine, because that seemed like the most promising source of entertainment that he could find. He was about to close the compartment when he noticed there had been something hiding under the magazine.  
It was a little green box with yellow writing on the left side and a picture of some guys with goats on the bottom half. He pulled it out and read the title. Pet Sounds. Of course.

“Hey,” he said, breaking the comfortable silence that had fallen over the van as they sat in traffic.  
“Hm?” Phil answered, not really looking away from the road.  
“Look what I found,” Dan said, holding up the cassette for Phil to see.  
“No way,” Phil said, a smile breaking across his face. “This was mine! I lost it one time after a family trip down here.”  
“Have you Lester boys even once considered cleaning out the glove box?”  
“No,” Phil admitted sheepishly. “Thank you for finding it. Put it on would you?”  
“I haven’t used a cassette since I was like five,” Dan complained.  
“If you could figure out how to work a cassette player at five years old, I think you can do it at nineteen, Dan,” Phil pointed out.  
“Whatever,” Dan mumbled, knowing Phil was right.  
He pulled the tape out of the box and looked at the rings of tape through the little windows in the plastic. It looked like the tape had been played about halfway through the last time someone had used it. He took the pencil from the glove box and stuck it into one of the holes in the tape. He turned the tape back so it was back at the beginning of the album, or at least as close to the beginning as he could get. He pushed the tape into the player and pressed play.

He didn’t know most of the songs. In fact, in the first twenty minutes of music that played, he only recognized one, the one that had been playing in Phil’s car when they had gotten in the car that first night. Phil, on the other hand, seemed to know every little word so well that Dan didn’t think he realized he was singing along. Phil had turned it up so loud that the windows rattled a little bit. And then that little plinky plonky, familiar melody finally filtered through the speakers and Dan felt like his heart was in his throat. The last time he heard this song he had told Phil it reminded him of someone who didn’t even know he existed. He needed to tell Phil what he had really meant, he decided.  
He reached for the volume knob and turned it down enough for Phil to hear him.  
“Hey,” Phil protested, “I was trying to break the sound barrier.”  
“You break the sound barrier when things go fast, not when they’re loud, Phil,” Dan sighed, rolling his eyes.  
“Ok, Bill Nye. Turn it back up.”  
“I want to tell you something.”  
“Oh?”  
“Remember when I told you this song reminded me of someone who didn’t know I existed?”  
“And I said they were missing out, yeah I remember. What about it?”  
“Well. It was you. That it reminded me of.”  
“I knew you existed,” Phil protested.  
“Yeah, but not how I wanted you to,” Dan said.  
“Maybe not in the beginning, but I do now.”  
“I know. I just wanted you to know it was about you for me. It still is.”  
“Good,” Phil said smiling. “You know how I said it was about Carter for me/”  
“Yeah,” Dan said, his stomach turning. He didn’t want to talk about that rat right now.  
“I lied.”  
Dan perked up.  
“It had already been about you for a couple months. Whenever I heard it, you would come to mind. But I couldn’t really say that then, could I?”  
“No, you couldn't.” Dan was sure if he had said it last week, Dan’s face would have melted off and his heart would have exploded. Or something more biologically possible. Like fainting.  
“But I'm saying it now.”  
“You are.”  
“And Dan?”  
“Yeah?”  
“I have a feeling it is always going to be about you,” Phil added, not taking his eyes off the road.

Dan was going to have to ask Phil to start warning him before he says sappy shit like that because one of these days, the shock of hearing things that were so much better that he had imagined in even his wildest fantasies was going to kill him. He never knew how to react to stuff like that. Part of him wanted to slap Phil and tell him to shut up, just like how when he saw something that was too cute, like a puppy, and he wanted to squeeze it to death. But he also never wanted Phil to stop. Who knew he would be such a mushy boyfriend?

“What makes you say so?’ Dan finally decided.  
“I don’t know. Now that you’re here, I don’t want to remember what it’s like when you aren’t.”  
“It’s not like I even do much,” Dan shrugged, trying to hold in the victory yell that was bubbling up inside of him.  
“Just looking at you makes my day better.”  
“Take a picture, then,” Dan teased.  
“I’m trying to be romantic and you’re ruining it.”  
“Oh, so you’re trying? Does that mean you’re just saying what you think I want to hear?”  
“No, of course not,” Phil answered, shooting him an acid glance. “I mean it, I’m just expressing my feelings, alright?”  
“I know. I’m sorry. I’m not so good at that. I only just told Louise I love her for the first time this week, you know. It might take me a second to adjust to being romantic when it took me that long to even be sweet platonically.”  
“It took you five years? Good god. Good thing we have all the time in the world.”

“Yeah,” Dan said, reaching across the middle console and holding his hand out to Phil. “Good thing,” he repeated as Phil took his hand and brought it up to his mouth, kissing it.

The song changed. It was one he didn’t know again.

_It starts with just a little glance now, Right away you're thinkin' 'bout romance now, You know you ought to take it slower, But you just can't wait to get to know her._

Phil returned to humming and Dan returned to staring out the window, watching the city pass by at a snail’s pace, knowing he was going to go home tonight to his own bed, which he loved, in his own, flat which he liked, but which would seem all to empty now that he knew what it was like not to feel all alone.


	19. Chapter 19

“We’re home.”  
Dan drew in a sharp breath and settled back into the seat, sinking back into sleep.  
“Dan,” he felt someone shaking his shoulder.  
He groaned. “What??”  
“We’re at your flat.”  
“Mmm, I live in here now,” he mumbled, turning his back towards the direction of Phil’s voice, curling up in his seat.  
“Aw, come on, Danny boy, your flat is much nicer than this van. And at least twice as big,” Phil joked, running his hand down Phils back.  
“Oi, not all of us own stores and can afford flats larger than a doll house,” Dan protested, turning to shoot Phil an evil eye.  
“I’m kidding, your flat is nice. It’s wonderful. Like you. Now get up and help me take your shit inside,” Phil said, slapping Dan’s thigh and opening his own door, presumably stepping out.  
“Ever the romancer,” Dan chided, rolling his eyes even though Phil could no longer see him. 

He unbuckled himself and stepped out of the van. Standing up felt weird after being folded up in the car for god knows how long. He stretched his arms out and kicked his legs out, trying to shake out that cooped up car feeling. He rolled his neck, wincing at the popcorn sound his vertebrae produced. The air was chilly against his skin. He was only wearing a t shirt and jeans as Phil had had the heater on in the car, but it was nearly winter and goose pimples were raising up his arms at the unexpected change in temperature. He shivered and headed down to the back of the van where Phil was already pulling out Dan’s bag. 

Dan held his hand out to take it, but Phil didn’t hand it over.  
“You told me to help, but you’re not letting me do much in the way of helping,” Dan complained, closing the van’s back doors.  
“That was just to get you out of the car. Also you can help me by letting me into the building, and then letting me into your flat,” Phil pointed out.  
“Nobody asked you to come up,” Dan teased.  
“I don’t have to stay. I know you’re tired. Fuck, I’m tired. I want to go to sleep after all that driving. I’m just carrying your things. That’s all,” Phil said, smiling. “Although, the next time you ask me up, I hope it’s for a better reason. Or at least a more exciting one.”  
“I’m sure it will be,” Dan flirted back, groggily. He really was tired. But he also really should call Louise. If she wasn’t already in his flat ready to ambush him the moment he walked through the door. He wouldn’t put it past her.

Dan walked up the path to his building’s front door, Phil trailing behind him. He let them both in and walked quietly down the familiar hallways that somehow felt strange for the first time in a long time. Dan always noticed that when he came back from holidays. Things that had seemed mundane before took on a new sheen of unfamiliarity upon return. It always felt as if something had changed ever so slightly, like the carpet was a slightly darker shade of blue or the potted plants had all moved three centimeters to the right. Everything looked the same just slightly… not wrong, but slightly odd. He almost felt as though Phil knew the way to his apartment better than he did as they walked down the long corridors, listening to the lives going on behind the doors as they did. TV’s playing, laughter, faint music, the crackling of food on the stove. The walls were thin here, and it was dinner time, so it was noisy, but not in an unpleasant way. Just in a way that reminded him that other people shared the space with him. 

Phil’s hand found his as they walked the final stretch of hallway before Dan’s door. Dan unlocked and opened it with his free hand, motioning for Phil to walk in first. Phil obliged, dragging Dan behind him. 

“Where do you want it?” Phil said, looking around for a good place to set Dan’s bag.  
“Take it back to my room, will you?” Dan asked, shooing it away. He hated unpacking, he didn’t want to think about it.  
“Ok. Which door is that?” Phil asked, which prompted Dan to remember Phil had never been back there before.  
“The one that’s not the bathroom,” Dan said, lazily, flopping down on the sofa.  
“Oh ok,” he began to walk towards the back of Dan’s flat when he paused. “Which on is the bathroom?”  
“You have a fifty/fifty chance of getting it right, take a chance.”  
“Wow, rude,” Phil huffed, but walked back to the back half of the apartment anyway. 

Dan sighed, breathing back in deeply afterwards. It smelled like home. It smelled so… Normal and familiar and like nothing had ever changed. Like his life was finally back in place after so long of living in a fantasy. Except it wasn't, as he was reminded by Phil's voice calling back to him.  
“So this is where the magic happens?” Phil called, his voice followed by a squeak Dan could only assume was from his bed as Phil sat on it.  
He walked quickly back to meet Phil.  
“If by magic you mean sleep, then yes,” he answered, smiling when he found Phil sprawled out on his bed.  
“Oh come on, don't pretend nothing ever happens back here. You're cute, I'm sure you've done well.”  
“I've done well with this guy,” Dan said, holding up his left hand, “and a few other things that will remain in a secret drawer in this room. But that is the extent of the magic.” He found it hard to look Phil in the eye.  
“Really?” Phil asked, raising his eyebrows. He really did seem surprised. Maybe Dan didn't give off as much of a extreme virgin vibe as he thought.  
“Yep. I guess I've just always been too busy to bother.”  
“Too busy with what?”  
“Pining, mostly. And working.”  
“So nothing? Ever? Not that that’s an issue, everyone lives at their own pace and all that, but you. I mean. Look at you.”  
“I've made out with a few people.”  
“Oh.”  
“And I'm pretty sure a one of the times don't count because I was drunk and because it was with Louise.”  
“You've made out with Louise?”  
“Once!! And it was mostly to make you notice me. But you didn't.”  
“I was there?” Phil asked, even more surprised.  
“Yeah, you were snogging some short brunette chick. Halloween party. Only time I ever saw her.” Dan really tried not to sound bitter.  
“Oh that was Audrey. Or Abby. It was an A name. I only went out with her twice.”  
“Hm. Classy. Don't even remember her name,” Dan chided, cocking his head to the side.  
“Oi, I kissed her once just because she kissed me first. All I remember was that all she would talk about was One Tree Hill, which isn't much of a topic for conversation. At least, not when you've never seen an episode,” Phil defended himself.  
“Anyway,” Dan said, changing the topic. He was sure there would be a day when he didn't feel bitter or slightly jealous of other people Phil had “only kissed” (hell, they had only kissed as well, so does that mean it wasn't important? At least he remembered Dan’s name.) but today wasn't that day. “No magic.”  
“No magic,” Phil repeated, nodding his head. “Duly noted. Also noted: remember to look through Dan’s drawers to locate the aforementioned unnamed objects next time he leaves you alone in here.”  
“You will not be in here alone ever again. You know, the most important part of evil plans is making sure you don’t say them outloud,” Dan mentioned, giving him a playful glare.  
“Damn, foiled again,” Phil laughed. 

Dan’s phone buzzed in his pocket. He pulled it out and checked the notification. 

Lou: You home yet? I miss you.  
Lou: PS I know you’re home I drove past your building and saw the van in the lot. 

Dan: Phil is just leaving. Fifteen minutes sound good?

Lou: Fifteen minutes AGO sounds better but I will take what I can get. 

Dan laughed outloud.  
“It’s Louise,” he said, motioning to the phone.  
“She antsy to see you?”  
“You could say that,” Dan confirmed. “You could also say she’s fuckin mental and has already done a drive by to check for the van and already knows I’m home.”  
“That’s Louise for you.”  
“Do you mind if I?” Dan said kind of awkwardly. He didn’t want Phil to think he was kicking him out to see Louise, but he kind of was.  
“Yeah, I’ll piss off,” Phil said, though he made no motion to get up. “I wouldn’t want to get on her bad side.”  
“Don’t piss off, that sounds violent. How about you say something nice, like “I’ll go home then, and think of you every minute until I see you again.” I think that would maybe be better.”  
“That’s what I meant, love,” Phil said, standing up finally and taking Dan’s chin in his fingers. He tipped Dan’s chin upwards and kissed him chastely. “There won’t be a minute I don’t think of you.”  
“Actually, I would prefer that if you go poo, you don’t think of me,” Dan said, trying to lighten the situation. The romance felt a little much, in this room, in the deadset reality of home.  
Phil guffawed. “There won’t be a moment I don’t think of you, unless I’m pooing. God, you know how to kill a moment, don’t you, Howell?”  
“It is one of my few talents.”  
“Aw, come off it. I won’t have this self deprecation. You’re saying bad things about my favorite person, you know.”  
“Oh, so I graduated from favorite employee to favorite person all around then?”  
“I should hope you had figured that bit out by now?”  
“I had,” Dan confirmed. “I just like to hear it said out loud.”  
“Needy one, you are,” Phil rolled his eyes. “Kiss me,” he added. “And make it a good one because it’s the last one I’ll have in a while.”  
“You think I can make it from here to the front door without kissing you again?”  
“Well, now that you mention it..” Phil trialed off. “No,” he decided. “And I don’t particularly think I want you to.” He took Dan by his belt loops and pulled him closer to him once more. “But I still think I would like to kiss you once more in here, too.” He kissed Dan a little more passionately this time, but it wasn’t one of those kisses that were so hot that made Dan feel like he was going to go to hell just for thinking about it. He wished it was.  
Phil pulled away and lead him out into the hallway by his hand. He stopped just outside the door. “Maybe just once here, well,” he murmured as he turned back to Dan, who had nearly run into his back when he had stopped so abruptly.  
“Maybe,” Dan agreed. “But I did tell Louise to be over in fifteen minutes about seven minutes ago so, maybe not.”  
“Just once won’t hurt.”  
This time Dan closed the space between them, carding his fingers through Phil’s hair and deepening the kiss because it seemed Phil wouldn’t, like he was teasing Dan with all these little closed lipped, all-to-quick, little nothing kisses. Or maybe he just wanted Dan to take charge. So he did.  
Phil slipped his hand the back of Dan’s shirt, the feeling of his fingers ghosting up his skin leaving Dan with gooses bumps.  
Dan nipped at Phil’s lip as the older man pulled away to breathe, but let go as soon as the kiss was as good as broken. He took Phil’s hand into his own again and pulled him towards the door.  
“Um, why’d you stop?”  
“You said one kiss wouldn’t hurt,” Dan explained mischievously as he lead Phil towards the door. “But the moment you pulled away, it became two kisses, and that could hurt. Anyway, I have company coming and I would prefer she didn’t walk in on us doing something… indecent.”  
“It wouldn’t be two kisses, it would be a two parter kiss. Like Kill Bill is a two part movie.”  
“It’s still two movies,” Dan argued. 

They passed the kitchen and living room and found themselves at the front door.  
“You’re flat isn’t big enough,” Phil said, almost pouting.  
“Thanks?” Dan said, sarcastically.  
“No, I mean, it’s perfect, but it really takes far too little time to get to the door from your room and I’m not ready to leave yet,” Phil elaborated. “I just meant.. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. Sometimes, I’m not so good at the talking and the flirting and the… everything.”  
“It’s fine. Sometimes, I’m not so good at the everything either, except by sometimes, I mean all the time,” Dan assured him. “I don’t particularly want you to go, either, but it has to happen eventually, doesn’t itt?”  
“Realistically, yes.”  
“Well, then. I believe you were promised a kiss at the door. Would you like to cash that in?”  
“Is that even a question?”  
“I guess not,” Dan chuckled.  
Phil kissed his forehead, then his nose, and finally his mouth. Chaste, again. They both knew that if they let this one get too carried away, there was no turning back.  
“Bye, then,” Phil whispered against Dan’s lips.  
“I don’t like bye. How about see you tomorrow?”  
“See you tomorrow. I’ll be counting the minutes,” Phil murmured in response, kissing Dan’s cheek.  
“I’ll be counting every second,” Dan replied.  
“Every millisecond,” Phil topped.  
“Every nanosecond,” Dan countered.  
“I don’t know what’s smaller than a nanosecond, but I will count those, too,” Phil said, knowing he had been defeated.  
Dan rest his hand on the door knob, reluctant to open it.  
“I love you, Phil.”  
“I love you, too.”  
“See you soon, I guess.” Dan murmured, but the door remained closed.  
“Yean. Very soon,” Phil agreed, “Are you going to?” Phil asked, nodding towards Dan’s hand, unmoving on the door knob.  
“Yeah, yeah.”  
“Ok.

 

But Dan couldn’t bring himself to open the door. It was as though his hand froze. He was scared if Phil walked out that door, and he would eventually, it was an inevitability, but he was scared that if he walked out that door, he wouldn’t come back. He knew that wasn’t true. Again, over thinking was his forte, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that this was all too good to be true. How often did the person you like like you back? Nearly never. Or at least if they did, they never told you that they did and you both suffered in silence until one or the other moves on to someone more attainable. Or someone who seemed more attainable when all the while the person you wanted in the first place was perfectly willing to be with you. This, things like this where you were standing in your apartment with the man you have loved for almost as long as you could remember standing so close to you that you could feel his breath on your cheek, just didn’t happen. And it especially didn’t happen to people like Dan. That’s why he couldn’t open the door. 

“What, then?” Phil asked him, raising his eyebrows.  
“I’m just having trouble believing you’re real, and this is real, and that you’ll keep coming back,” Dan answered, fixing his eyes on a mole on Phil’s right cheek so he wouldn’t have to see the look in the other man’s eye when he heard what Dan had to say. 

“Do I feel real?”  
“To the touch yes, but everything else seems like the best, longest dream I’ve ever had,” Dan laughed, weakly.  
“I am real. This is all real. And I’ll come back,” Phil whispered, brushing Dan’s hair away from his face, up off his forehead in a way that Dan personally hated, but he wasn’t really concerned about that right now.  
“Really, really?” Dan asked.  
“Really, really,” Phil repeated. “Now, Louise will be here any minute and I am sure she doesn’t want to share you when I have hogged you all this time, so let me out, will you, you big nerd?’  
Dan turned the knob.  
“I love you,” he repeated, smiling at Phil.  
“I love you, too. I’ll text you later, yeah?”  
“Please,” Dan agreed.  
“Bye, then,” Phil said, pressing one last kiss into Dan’s forehead and slipping out the door. 

Dan leaned against the doorjamb and watched Phil as he walked down the hall. Phil looked back when he was about half way down and waved at him, smiling, seemingly happy to have found him looking, but continued on his way. Dan half wished he would have run back, swept him up in his arms and kissed him like it was the last chance they would ever have to kiss again, like it was the last twenty minutes before the world ended, but of course, he didn’t.  
When Phil reached the end of the hall, he turned back for the last time, this time, blowing a kiss in Dan’s direction. Dan mimed catching it and put his hand on his heart. Phil smiled wide, and though he was pretty far away, Dan could tell that he was doing that thing where he stuck his tongue between his teeth, that thing that was so infuriatingly cute that it made him want to either want to punch or shag the living daylights out of him, but he wasn’t really quite sure which. 

And like that, Phil had gone.


	20. Chapter 20

Dan closed the door softly. He decided to wait on his couch until Louise showed up, but he didn’t even have time to sit down before there was a knock at the door. 

He opened it, feeling a smile already forming on his face at the idea of seeing Lou. 

“Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes?” Louise said, absolutely beaming at him from the hallway.  
“Hey, you wonderful lady, you” Dan said, stepping out of the way so Louise could come in.  
“Oh, you,” Louise cooed as the door closed, grabbing Dan’s face with both his hands and peppering him with kisses.  
Dan wrinkled his nose but didn’t stop her, despite the fact that he would now be surely be covered in Barbie pink lipstick, and the last time Lou had done that, the lip prints had been stained on his skin for the next twenty four hours.  
“I missed you, too,” Dan laughed.  
“Saw Phil on my way up,” Louise continued stepping away from Dan and dropping her bag on the couch. She kicked off her shoes and plopped down on the side of the sofa that she had deemed hers the moment Dan bought it. “He looked right pleased with himself.”  
“Did he? You talk to him?” Dan asked, trying not to sound too interested.  
“Just said about time isn’t it? And he agreed with me. He also asked how I couldn’t have seen it coming, and I said I wasn’t sure if you’re constant blathering about him was finally getting to me or if you were finally getting to him,” Louise said, waggling her eyebrows at Dan.  
“I never tried to get to him,” Dan defended himself. Really, he didn’t. He could have sworn he never blatantly hit on Phil until recently, so he really couldn’t have gotten to Phil if he never tried. 

“My ass, you never tried. You’ve been trying forever, don’t deny it now that you’ve gotten what you wanted,” Louise rolled her eyes.  
“I’m not-”  
“You are,” Louise cut him off. “Now, tell me how much you missed me and how much you yearned to hear my voice every day and how lost you were without me,” Louise joked, patting the space next to her on the couch. 

Dan happily sat down next to his best friend. He really was glad to be back, to be experienced something normal for the first time in what felt like forever. This was something he knew. This was home. Not particularly the building he was in, but him and Louise sitting on the couch talking, or even not talking, just him and Louise being together, even if they were each doing their own thing. This is the way it had always been and this is the way he suspected it would always be.  
He remembered in high school someone asked him, he believed it was a girl named Carrie that sat behind him in a creative writing class, if he thought he and Louise would be as close when they were older, when they were both married and had their own lives. The answer, of course, was yes.  
After everyone had realized that he and Louise had no plans of meeting each other at the altar one day, they seemed baffled at the fact that they planned on being best friends forever. Surely, their future significant others would not feel comfortable with the fact that there were as close as they were. Dan always figured that if either of them had a significant other that didn’t like them, the solution was simple: Get rid of them. There would never be a situation where Dan imagined Louise wasn’t a part of his life, and he was sure Louise felt the same. A wise woman, or rather group of women, once said “If you want to be my lover, you’ve gotta get with my friends.”  
That being said, Dan fully expected to be standing behind Louise on her wedding day as her Man of Honor, most likely decked out in a pink tux that matched the rest of the bridesmaids, he would be completely ok with that. He knew Louise was probably expecting the same of him, if he ever got married. Minus the pink tuxedo. 

“So,” Louise began. “I have been dying to know, what is it like to be in a relationship with the Phil Lester.”  
“Entirely different than what I expected.”  
“And why’s that?”  
“He’s a big softie, he’s not all cool and sure of himself all the time, and he tried to kiss me one night and FAILED. I always took Phil as someone who could get what he wanted in the bag on the first time, but I guess I was wrong. I mean, granted, I did vomit on the floor in the club and that was the reason we didn’t kiss then, but you know. I would like to think it was because he was so nervous that he waited so long and missed his chance,” Dan rambled, realizing the vomit definitely detracted from the romance.  
“Wait, slow down, babe, too much information at once. SOMEONE- I’m not pointing fingers, you know, but- SOMEONE neglected to text me all of these important details in real time so, I’m a tad bit behind,” Louise said. “So do elaborate. Vomit? In a club? That doesn’t sound like you.”  
“Normally it’s not me because normally I don’t dance! It was too much physical exertion for how drunk I was. He kept asking me to dance with him and I kept saying no and finally I gave in and we did that awkward thing where you like dance standing in front of each other but you’re not touching and he got all pouty and was like “No, I want to dance with you,” and then he pulled me in and then I thought he was going to kiss me and I guess the nerves and the booze and the movement was all too much because I barfed like the fucking exorcist right there in the middle of the club. Thank god nothing got on him, but he had to cart me home like some teenager who couldn’t handle their booze-”  
“Not to burst your bubble, but you are some teenager that can’t handle their booze,” Louise interjected.  
“Shush, you,” Dan giggled, swatting at Louise’s leg.  
“Sorry, continue, Phil trying to be smooth, and you, as always, being very the opposite,” Louise replied.  
“Rude,” Dan noted, but continued on. “There isn’t much after that for that day really. He just sat with me while I was sick and made sure I got into bed and had water and then kind of let me alone.”  
“You made him sit with you while you puked? He must really like you,” Louise mocked a gag, as if she hadn’t done the same thing for Dan before (or like he hadn’t sat there holding her hair for her on more than one occasion).  
“I didn’t make him stay. I didn’t even ask him to stay. I told him to leave, in fact, and he asked me to let him take care of me. So I said yeah. I was still pretty tipsy, I wasn’t thinking straight, but he seemed pretty worried about me. I mean, it’s not like I was actually in trouble, everyone get’s drunk enough to barf once in awhile, but I don’t know. He just really cared.”  
“And that's when you knew, right? That he felt the same?”  
“No. I actually thought “welp, there goes any chances of that,” Dan said, shrugging.  
“You're a dunce you know.”  
“I know, now, yeah,” Dan blushed. “I thought I was just drunk off my ass, which I was, and that I was just imagining what I wanted to see. You know how I can convince myself of things very well, Lou.”  
“I know that but this just feels so obvious.”  
“I know, shut up. But I mean that’s how he tried and failed to get me.”  
“And then you kissed him? The next day? I know this part because you actually told me about this didn’t you? You dumb bean. I felt so out of the loop.”  
“Yes,” Dan answered. “ And he said what took you so long. And I straight wanted to punch him, I swear.”  
“The nerve really, to ask you what took so long.”  
“I know, that’s why I wanted to punch him. But enough about all this, I am sure you’re going to have to hear the story a thousand times over in our life span any way. How’s about we turn this into an official Dan and Louise Sleepover ‘™’. The fun kind though, not the kind we had last time. That was an official Dan is bummed and Louise needs to come over and distract him sleepover and there’s no reason for one of those. At least not today,” Dan rambled.  
“I thought you would never ask,” Louise laughed back, taking her purse and dumping its contents onto the couch. A pair of PJ’s to bags of Malteasers, two Mars Bars, and a makeup bag fell out. 

Dan smiled. It had been too long since they had had one of their traditional sleepovers. They usually started the night with a movie and candy. Later in the night, Louise would get worried about the sugar making her break out and she would do some face mask and normally try to get Dan to do one with her. He used to fight it, but his skin actually did usually feel very nice afterwards, not that he would ever admit it to Louise. He just said he was tired of arguing about it. One thing that he would never stop fighting Louise on was letting her do his eyebrows. He knew they looked better when she did them, but he was a big baby and it hurt so much. It would take an hour of arguing and then two hours of Dan only letting her pull two or three hairs at a time before asking for a break in order for it to get done.  
But, even with all the bickering they did, they always had a good time. 

“There better not be any tweezers in that makeup bag,” Dan warned, eyeing it with suspicion.  
“You know there is,” Louise laughed. “And,” she added, studying his brows, “You are due for a touch up. But, you’ve had a long week. I’ll let you live. Just this once.”  
“You’re a saint, Lou, truly.”  
‘You say that like I don’t already know it,” Louise smiled.  
“Shush,” Dan said, getting up off the couch. “Do you want anything? Coffee? I don’t have much food in here because I’ve been gone all week,” he continued, moving into the kitchen.  
“Do you normally have any real food in this house ever anyway?” Louise rolled her eyes. 

Dan liked to pretend that he was a real adult with real food in his home and he didn’t order in most of the time, but Louise, of course, brought him down to reality.

“No,” he admitted reluctantly. “Want to order in?”  
“Always.”  
“What do you want?”  
“Whatever you want,” Louise shrugged, noncommittally.  
“Louise, we are not doing this right now, what do you want? I know it’s something, and I am not particularly in the mood to name a million places only to have you shoot them down and then finally say what you really wanted all along,” Dan huffed.  
Louise pouted. “Why don’t you ever let me get away with anything?”  
“I did, for a while, but there’s only so many times you can hear “Whatever you want, Dan,” before you stop falling for it,” Dan pointed out, raising his eyebrows at Louise, as if to say ‘you know I am smarter than that.’  
“Well, if you insist, I suppose I would be fine with chinese or pizza,” Louise said.  
“Really? Just the two most generic things to order in?”  
“Well you asked?”  
“Ok, well I just had pizza the other night-”  
“Like that normally stops you from eating pizza every other day,” Lou interjected.  
“Oi, it’s not my fault I’ve had my pizza fix for the week. So chinese then?”  
Louise nodded and pulled out her phone, ordering their standard order online. 

“So,” Dan began eyeing Louise, “Anything happen while I was gone?”  
“Not really,” Louise sighed, leaning against Dan. She pressed the submit button on the order site. “Apparently, my social life sort of shuts down when you aren’t around.”  
“Aw come on, you have other friends,” Dan said, but realized he legitimately couldn’t think of anyone else that Louise hung out with regularly besides him. But to be fair, he had the same result when he tried to think of who else he hung out with.  
“I literally worked, and when I wasn’t working, all I did was hang out with Martyn because apparently, when Phil isn’t around, he doesn’t do much either,” Louise replied.  
“So you just… Hung out with Martyn Lester like that was normal?”  
“He’s kind of a friend of ours, right?” Louise shrugged.  
Dan supposed she was right, they did confide in him and talk to him pretty often, but that was because they were kind of like a big brother/boss. Not because he was a buddy. “He’s also kind of our boss,” Dan retorted.  
“Says the guy dating our other boss,” Louise said, holding up her index finger.  
“True,” Dan nodded.  
“But yeah, we went to the movies and we got lunch a couple times, I took him grocery shopping because apparently Phil is normally the one who drags him out of the house to make sure he doesn’t starve to death or live strictly off of fast food,” Louise said nonchalantly. “Someone should do that for you. Maybe Phil will start, but if he drops the ball, I guess we are going to have do grocery runs for you to make sure you’re not malnourished.”  
“So.. like.. You went on dates,” Dan said, his stomach seizing slightly. Martyn was so not dateable. Not that he wasn’t cute or anything, he was, he was like a less emo Phil, but still. He was MARTYN.  
“What? No! Ew! What the fuck, we do all that type of stuff and you don’t think it’s a date when we do it,” Louise answered, wrinkling up her face.  
“Does he know that it wasn’t a date? When we do that kind of stuff, I know that it isn’t a date, that’s the difference,” Dan said.  
“Yes, of course he fucking knows it’s not a date, not everyone is secretly hopelessly in love with everyone else like some people we know,” Louise rolled her eyes at him.  
“I dunno. Just sounds kinda date-y,” Dan mumbled, choosing to ignore the little dig Louise had made.  
“Are you worried that you might be replaced by him? If I start hanging out with him more often? Because you won’t be,” Louise added, more softly. “I promise.”  
“No, I’m not worried about that,” Dan answered, pretty unconvincingly. 

He had to admit that maybe Louise having a friend that he could potentially be as close to her as he was threatened him a little bit, but he couldn’t really feel that fairly. He was sure that Louise may have had the same worries when she found out that Dan was dating someone, but maybe she was also just a better person and a better friend who knew that people were able to have more than one complex relationship in their life without compromising another one. Most of the time. 

He took a breath. Louise could have other friends. He had other friends and it was fine. This was fine.  
“It wasn’t a date,” Louise answered. “He knew it wasn’t a date. Don’t worry, Dan, you don’t have to compete with me.” 

There was a pause before Louise added, “At least, I think he knows it wasn’t a date. Fuck.”  
“See?”  
“Shut up, I wasn't worried about it until I hopped on the Over Thinker Express, conducted by one Mr. Dan Howell,” Louise huffed.  
“Well, I mean, maybe it wasn’t. What did you guys talk about?” Dan asked. If it was something like their favorite colors and places they wanted to travel, then they were fucked. Then it was a date, even if Louise didn’t know about it.  
“You, dumb ass. Phil! What else? There was no one else that we could fucking freak out to!”  
“OK, if you talked about us, it definitely wasn't a date, we're fine. Also, I thought you were ok,” Dan answered, suddenly worried. Freak out? He had hoped Louise wouldn’t.  
“Freak out in a good way. Like how long have we all been fucking waiting for this? Martyn said that he nearly passed out when Phil first mentioned you to him,” Louise commented.  
Dan tried everything to keep the words “What did he say about me?” from escaping his mouth, but apparently they didn’t have to because Louise had already read his mind. She tended to do that.  
“Apparently Martyn was asking him about scheduling one day and Phil asked “Why do you always schedule me with Dan?” and Martyn asked if he didn’t like that and Phil said “No, I like it fine. I was just wondering.” And I guess Martyn was like what do you mean him like it fine? And Phil said that he liked it fine and what else what that was supposed to mean and that he thought you were cute and that you seemed nice but whenever he tried to talk to you, you were distance as hell. But that he was just asking because he thought maybe Martyn didn’t like you and that’s why he never worked with you,” Louise shrugged.  
Dan felt a smile rising to his cheeks once more.  
“All you heard was cute wasn’t it?”  
“I also heard “seems nice,” Dan joked.  
“You ass.”  
“I’m sorry. Bit of a one track mind at the moment,” Dan admitted.  
“Try the last four years, but yeah, ok,” Louise nodded. She sighed. 

The buzzer rang, signalling that the food had arrived. Louise threw a wad of cash at Dan as he stood up to get the door, which he politely swatted back towards her.  
“Oi!’ Louise scowled at the bills on the floor.  
“My treat,” Dan retorted.  
“Since when are you nice?”  
“Since when do you turn down free food?”  
“You have a point. Gotta stay true to my roots,” Louise laughed. 

Dan paid for the food and set it on the coffee table. “Bon appetit, ma cherie.”  
“He says over the shitty chinese takeout,” Louise said, digging in, nonetheless.  
They ate in silence for a moment before Louise piped up again.  
“Aren’t you worried?”  
“About?” Dan asked, confused.  
“I don’t know. About shitting where you eat.”  
“Louise…. We are in the living room. I shit in the bathroom,” Dan said, and shoved a spoonful of rice in his mouth..  
“You know what I mean you smart ass. Dating where you work. Dating your boss, specifically. Doesn’t it make you, I don’t know, nervous?” Louise asked.  
“Why would it make me nervous? It’s not like we have an HR department or something. The boss already knows. I can hardly get in trouble. Unless it’s illegal. Is it illegal? We should google it,” Dan blabbered.  
“Dan, calm, breathe, think normal thoughts, we don’t have to google it, I’m like 99% sure that it is not illegal-”  
“That is one percent less than I need it to be in order to think normal thoughts, Lou,” Dan mumbled, pulling out his phone and opening up the search browser. “Is dating your boss illegal?” he whispered he typed the inquiry.  
“Oh. My. God. Dan, just listen for like twelve seconds. I am not worried about you getting arrested. Or Phil getting arrested. Less worried about Phil getting arrested, because if he does, then I have you all to myself again, but that’s besides the point because then I would have to deal with you being mopey all the time and then also probably have to drive you to visitor’s hours, which is time out of my day that I don’t want to have to take, but I will because you’re my best friend,” Louise said, rolling her eyes.  
“Oh good,” Dan sighed with relief, “It’s not illegal, but it may be against company policy, and I don’t think that Pet Castle is important enough or big enough to have even considered a policy against that, and even then, Mr. and Mrs. Lester are definitely dating within the company, just saying.”  
“Are you even listening?” Louise asked.  
“Yes, you would drive me to visitor’s hours if you had to, and that’s why I love you,” Dan smiled at her and returned his attention to the food in front of him.  
“Ok, yes, but I was also going to say something else. What I am really worried about, now that we know that you will definitely not be getting arrested, is that when other people find out, and they will find out, that you will be, I don’t know, a target,” Louise said, biting into an egg roll. 

Dan looked at her, puzzled. “Target?” he parrotted.  
“Yeah. I mean. You’re getting a promotion, of sorts. There will be people that will think that is not fair once that is all out in the open. I know you deserve it, I know how much of your heart is in this store, but I also know that not everyone will be so understanding. Charlie will probably be annoyed. The new kids probably not so much because they’re just here to get their 7.85 an hour and get out, but I’m sure there will be talk. And I don’t know how well you can handle talk,” Louise added softly.  
“So what do you suggest I do? Break up with him?”  
“No,” Louise shook her head.  
“We’re already planning on keeping it secret,” Dan pointed out.  
“Yeah, how long will that last? That means you can’t go on dates, you can’t hold hands anywhere someone we know could see you, you can only kiss him in the safety of your home. Or his home. I guess you can kiss at my house. And Martyn’s. Unless he and Martyn live in the same place, then that’s a given,” Louise said.  
“Well, I mean, it’s not ideal, but it’s the best option,” Dan argued.  
“There’s another, better option,” Louise alluded.  
“And? That is?” Dan asked.  
“Don’t take the job.”  
“I already took the job.”  
“Untake it.”  
“Lou, I can’t just back out,” Dan began.  
“You can,” Louise retaliated. ‘Nothing is set in stone and I am sure he would understand, given the circumstances”  
“But I want it,” Dan whined.  
“You can’t have both and be happy.”  
“Why the fuck not?” \  
“It’s not realistic.”  
“Fuck realistic.”  
“Dan.”  
“I can handle both. I can handle talk. I can handle-”  
“It’s not something you have to handle, Dan. Live can be easy. Love can be easy. There doesn’t have to be so many complications, like jealous colleagues and secret relationships. Like how ridiculous is it that your first adult relationship, not to mention first relationship ever, should be a secret one,” Louise interrupted.  
“It’s a good opportunity. All of it is a good opportunity,” Dan answered.  
“But not at the same time,” Louise replied.  
Dan was quiet. His eyes burned with the tears he was holding back. He didn’t need Louise telling him he couldn’t have his cake and eat it, too. He guessed he already knew that. He knew it was going to he hard. But as always, hearing Louise say it made it real. Louise was his rock, his anchor to the real world. He knew it wasn’t a good idea, but there was no harm in trying. Or maybe there was. 

“Just. Just think about it okay, Dan? I just have your best interest in mind. I love you, Danny, and I don’t want you getting hurt, or having what someone else says get into your head. I don’t want your relationship with Phil to be ruined by some asshole gossiping. Even if he’s not The One, I want you to love him for as long as you are supposed to without someone fucking it up,” Louise said. “You don’t have to make a decision right now. Just think about it.” 

Dan leaned into Louise, his stomach churning as he let out a little chuckle. Just think about it. Like he ever wasn’t.


	21. Chapter 21

Dan: Hey Phil I was talking to Louise and |

Dan looked at the words on his screen, the flashing cursor, willing it to move on it’s own, produce the letters of words he didn’t know how to even begin to form. He looked over to the other end of the couch, where Louise was now passed out. She would know how to do this, how to say no, even when he didn’t want to say no. 

He hit the delete button until “hey” was all that remained. 

Dan: Hey, you. 

Dan held his breath, prepared to have to wait a painfully long time to get a response, but it was almost as though Phil was waiting for it. 

Phil: Hey, kid. 

Dan’s heart felt all fluttery, knowing that it was Phil, his Phil, at the other end of the transmission. And God bless the fact that he was a quick texter. There was nothing Dan hated more than waiting for an answer. Even though he did forget to answer people for days on end on a regular basis. But that did not mean he had such low expectations for everyone else. 

His fingers floated above the keyboard, trying to think of anything in the world to say that didn’t immediately raise red flags that Something Was Up. 

Dan: How are you? 

Phil: Good. It’s quiet without you. You talk a lot, you know. 

Dan: excuuuuuse me. I just have a lot to say. 

Phil: Oh, no, I know. I like it, though. That you have a lot to say. 

Dan: Good, because I haven’t found a way to stop talking yet. Apart from super glue, but that does making breathing tricky. What are you up to? 

Phil: Trying to sleep. 

Dan: oops, sorry. 

Phil: No, it’s fine. I’m not doing a very good job at it. Like I said, the house it too quiet. 

Dan: You never said too quiet, you just said quiet. And i’ve never been to your house so it’s not like hanging out with me made a difference. 

Phil: Shut up. No, it’s too quiet here. Like there’s not enough cars on the street and no one is honking and i can hear the wind and crickets and

Dan waited for Phil to finish his thought, but the bubble that signified Phil was typing disappeared. 

Dan: And? 

Phil: And it just feels like something is missing. 

Dan: And that something is? 

Say me. Dan willed with all his might. Say it’s me that’s misisng. 

Phil: I don’t know after being with a person 24/7 for the last few days, being alone feels weird. 

Ok, so not quite as romantic as Dan had been hoping, but beggars can’t be choosers. He would take “being alone feels weird” as a substitute for something more like “my heart is empty with your absence.” Though come to think of it, if a boy ever did say that to him, he would probably cringe into the next dimension, so maybe this was better. 

Dan:.... so. 

Dan: Is that your way of trying to say you miss me, in a dumb kind of way? 

Phil: No… but in a yes kind of way. 

Dan: I miss you, too. If that makes me feel better. 

Phil: It makes me miss you more. 

Dan: Why? 

Phil: Because I want to see your face when you admit that you miss me because you liiiiiiikkeeeee me. 

Dan: Shut

Phil: ;) 

Dan smiled. Again with the actual typed emoticons. It was like Phil was rocketed straight out of a simpler time, when eggplant didn’t mean dick and :3 was a perfectly acceptable addition to a text message. 

He had almost forgotten why he had texted Phil in the first place, aside from the fact that he wanted to talk to him. 

“Lou,” he whispered, knowing that she was dead asleep and that there was no way she would answer. But sometimes, he didn’t need her to listen, or even answer. Sometimes, he just needed the words to bounce off of her and land back on his ears, because just being in Louise’s airspace made him better at understanding himself. Or something like that. 

She shifted a little where she sat, sighed, but made no other sign that she heard him. 

“How do I tell Phil that I don’t want to-well not that I don’t want to, but that I can’t take the job?” 

“Please,” Lou mumbled. “I’m sleeping.” 

“I know…” Dan whined. “But I am not. I can’t.” 

“How about you go.. Do your weird puppy cuddles that you do?” 

“Don’t wanna walk,” Dan shrugged. “Rather just bug you than walk.” 

“Car keys are in my purse, shut up and leave me alone or so help me god,” Louise said sitting up. “I’ll be in your bed should you decide to sleep eventually. Just roll me if you need to.” 

And with that, she padded across the floor and into Dan’s bedroom. 

Dan rummaged through her bag and finding her keys, walked out to her tiny sedan. He always felt a bit silly driving it, as tall as he was and as flowery and Louise-y the car was. She had fake flowers all on the dashboard and around the top of the head rests. It wasn’t that he didn’t like flowers, or that he thought he was too macho or something, and even if he was macho, he was pretty sure he would still like flowers. He just felt like he was a giant in a pink plastic Barbie Cadillac. Except it was a silver sedan. 

He hummed along to the CD playing in Louise’s radio. 

“Starships are meant to flyyy,” he parroted, slightly off key. 

Moments later, he pulled into the Pet Castle parking lot. He had a brief moment of panic, discovering he had left his keys at home, but realize Lou kept hers on her keyring. 

He unlocked the door to the back and swung it open slowly. The lights were on. The door to the manager’s office was open and the light was on in there, too. 

Martyn’s voice filtered into the room. He hadn’t heard the door open, or if he had he didn’t react. 

“Well, if you miss him so damn much, why don’t you just text him and ask him to come over, or go over there yourself. “ Martyn said. Dan could hear the annoyance in his voice. For a moment, he worried that Phil was here, but there was a pause, no answer, and then Martyn was back at it with a response. “Yeah, well, Lou would probably kill you if you took him away on her time.”

Dan smiled. He was glad that he wasn’t the only one who complained to Martyn. 

“You can wait,” Martyn spoke following the pause that allowed for Phil to speak. “Anyway, you don’t want to come on too strong too soon. Although, I don’t know if you’ve already passed that threshold. But like, let him breathe. Let him think. Let him be with his friends. You’ll survive. No- I know- Listen- I know you didn’t say you wouldn’t survive but still. I can hear it in your voice how much you want to be with him. I mean you haven’t been this gaga over someone since…” Martyn trailed off. 

Since Carter, Dan thought before he could stop himself. 

“Well, in a long time,” Martyn finished. 

Dan shut the back door quietly behind him, holding his breath, waiting for Martyn to call out asking who was there. But there was no call. Martyn carried on talking to Phil. 

“Listen, I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah? I have a call here with Fathoms Below in like ten minutes and I need to boot up Skype.” Silence. “Well, yeah, do you want to pay the extra charge on our mobile bill? I didn’t think so. Yeah. Goodnight. See you tomorrow. Don’t be late and no moping because Dan won’t be here. And don’t fucking try to switch shifts with me, I swear to god Philip Michael Lester, I don’t need constant shift switching on both ends.” 

And with that, the phone call was over.

Dan stood paralyzed at the back of the break room. He didn’t know whether he should turn around and leave, at the risk of Martyn hearing the door close on his way out in the now suffocating silence, or pretend to reenter having heard none of the phone conversation, or just carry on as he was. It wasn’t as though he had heard anything important. Or at least, nothing he already didn’t know. Well, at least nothing he wasn’t already suspicious of (like Phil totally not being as cool as he was acting about not hanging out with him). 

Phil, however, made that decision for him, when his phone buzzed. He prayed that maybe the ever present hum of the pump room and refrigerators would block out the noise of a phone vibrating, but alas, to no avail. 

“Come out, come out, wherever you are. Whoever you are. Judging by the time of night it is, I would suspect one Daniel Howell?” Martyn asked, rolling the office chair into the doorway of the office. “Couldn’t stay away, eh?” 

Dan blushed. “Have to admit, I missed the place.” 

“And I was beginning to think you had no actual sentiment attached to the actual business when you had so much invested in its heir. What do you want?’ 

“Just couldn’t sleep. What are you doing here so late? Not like you,” Dan noted, sauntering over to the office with what might have been a little too much fake casualness. 

“Phone call with Fathoms Below. Supplier in Los Angeles. Apparently, they only had time to talk to a non-influential like me in the evening there, which is well, now here.” Martyn shrugged. 

“Oh, interesting. What about?” 

“Just to make some adjustments in our orders. We think we want to expand the fish section of the store, want to see what that would cost us. I'm sure we can afford it. It's just.. We have so many pet shops around here, but so few that specialize in fish. Like they have fish but they don't really care about their fish people. If we can make this like the aquarium hobbyist destination of the area, well it would be really good for us,” Martyn explained. 

“Oh, well. I'll let you get to that,” Dan said, smiling and hoping Martyn would let him go without further questioning. “I’ll be on my way.” 

“You can stay. I'm worried if you leave you'll go straight to Phil’s and I just convinced him he wouldn't die if he didn't see you tonight and I would like him to see I'm right,” Martyn sighed, a pleading look in his eyes.

“I won't. I have Lou’s car anyway, can't very well go stay over and strand her at my place. Plus I'm not exactly sure where Phil lives. That's to say I know the general area, but I've never been. Never had a reason to,” Dan added.

“Don't tell me you've stalked him to his “general area” before because, good god, that's pathetic. Also just so, so creepy.” Martyn pointed out. 

“No jack off, I've been to yours and you said Phil lived nearby,” Dan reminded him.

“Oh. Right. Well all that means is you aren't officially a stalker.” 

“I'm gonna go home now. Don't have something important to do, or whatever?” Dan said, waving his hand at the skype login screen. 

“Right. Well, actually go home. Text me a picture of you in your house holding a mars bar or something so I know you're not seducing my brother with your wiles.” 

“Too late on that one, I think,” Dan winked at him.

“Don't wink at me and think about seducing my brother at the same time, oh my god, I hated that,” Martyn said, shuddering dramatically. 

Dan said nothing but winked again.

“Stop that, you,” Martyn insisted, shooing him away with his hand. “Get out of here.” 

“I’m going to go in and pet the pups, if that’s alright,” Dan motioned towards the door that led to the sales floor. 

“Yeah, sure. Friend of my mom’s has a dog that had puppies last week so we have some new one. French bulldog mixes. We call the boy Bat Boy and the girls are Bubbles, Blossom, and Buttercup. Not sure which girl is which though, they all look pretty similar,” Martyn shrugged. “But if you’re going to do it go now. You’re harder to get rid of than a wad of gum on the bottom of my shoe, God.” 

“I’m sorry that I wanted to catch up with you after not having seen you for a while, sue me,” Dan said, rolling his eyes playfully. “I’m going. Good luck with the Americans.” 

Martyn waved him through the door and returned his focus to the computer. 

Dan pushed through the door and was immediately confronted with the ever-present, small hum of fish tank filters, the tiny clinks of rodent wheels, the labored breathing of sleeping cats and dogs, a familiar, comfortable unquiet. 

He followed the aisle that promised him puppies and plopped down in front of the cage. 

“Hey guys,” he whispered, unlatching the door. The puppies barely stirred. One yawned. They looked about ten weeks old to Dan, not baby babies, but not quite toddlers yet. Dan picked up the one closest to the door. They were greyish, the lightest out of the four frenchy puppies. After a quick check, Dan determined it was either Blossom, Bubbles, or Buttercup. He cradled her in the crook of his elbow. 

“You’re going to be Buttercup,” Dan decided. The puppy nuzzled his arm, which he took as good of an agreement as any. 

Dan’s phone buzzed in his pocket reminding him that he hadn’t checked his messages since he got there. 

He pulled out his phone with his free hand.  
One was a text from Phil. He opened it first. 

Phil: So, you go see Martyn in the middle of the night without him even having to ask but leave me to suffer in your absence. Rude. xx

Dan smiled. 

Dan: I came for the puppies, Martyn was just a bonus. 

He moved on to the other, the one that had alerted Martyn of his presence. It was from an unknown number. 

????: How are things in paradise? 

Dan furrowed his brow. He placed the puppy back into the cage and studied the number, trying to see if it was at all familiar. 

Dan: Sorry, but who is this? 

????: Took you long enough to get back to me. I take it you were busy. With Phil probably. Thought you’d be getting back to work by now. Since that’s all he ever does. 

Dan’s mind raced. Who could it be? Who knew he had been away with Phil this week? Not Louise, obviously, she couldn’t get her number changed in her sleep. And he was sure it wasn’t Martyn. He knew that if he mom got a new number, he would have been the first person to know. So who? Charlie? Another employee from the store? 

Dan: Charlie? Did you get a new number. 

????: Charlie? Who’s that? You’re old flame? No, love, it isn’t Charlie. 

Dan: Who is this? How’d you get this number? 

????: You shouldn’t put your number on your poorly protected facebook profile, Daniel Howell. I just wanted to remind you of what I warned you about. Just in case you had gotten too comfortable. 

Dan’s stomach lurched. 

Of course. Of course he had figured out how to ruin Dan’s life from three hours away. 

It was Carter. 

“Fuck,” Dan whispered, staring at his phone. 

Dan: Leave me alone. 

He let the phone slip from his hands to the floor and closed his eyes. 

He heard the phone vibrate once, then twice, then for a third time before he willed himself to block it out. 

“Fuck,” he whispered again. “I’m so fucked.”


	22. Chapter 22

He sat on the floor in front of the puppy cage for a few more moments without opening his eyes. He wasn’t even sure how he should begin to react. Of course, it was Carter. Who else could it be? As unpersonable as Dan felt he was in general, he was sure that he had only recently earned his first real enemy, and even then, all he had done to deserve one was fall in love.

He opened his eyes and took a deep breath. He didn’t want to go back out through the break room. He didn’t want Martyn to smile and wave at him or even nod at him on his way out. He was worried that he would see something in his face that signaled something was wrong, and he didn’t feel that he could pretend he was ok in that moment.

The front door never locked from the inside. Fire hazard or something, he was pretty sure. He could go out that way and walk around the complex to the back where he was parked and have little to know human interaction. It was late enough that no one should be around, apart from Martyn and himself. He double checked that the puppy cage was secured and then made his way to the front door, thankful for once for his freakish height as it allowed him to hold the bell above the door still so he could exit soundlessly.

The outside air was somewhat calming, but whatever semblance of calm he had gained from breathing it in was shattered by another vibration in his pocket.

He couldn’t ignore it any longer.

Carter??: Leave you alone? That’s how you treat someone who is trying to help you? Trying to save you from heartbreak. Fine. Don’t listen.

Carter??: But don’t say I never told you so when you get kicked to the curb like some stray dog.

Carter??: Although our lovely Philip would probably more inclined to keep a stray dog around than you. Just you watch.

Dan’s stomach flopped. There was another message from Phil as well.

Phil: You fall asleep on the floor in the store or something?

Dan huffed in frustration. He didn’t even know what to say. To either of them.

Dan: Sorry, something came up. Tell you about it in the morning? Xx

Phil: Something came up in the middle of the night? You ok?

He tried to think of a way to put it without sounding crazy. What could he say? “I think your ex is texting me at one in the morning and telling me that you would rather have a stray dog in your life than me, but don’t worry about it, it’s nothing?”  
Even though Dan knew it was true, that saying that wouldn’t be entirely out of line, he still felt that it sounded a little bit neurotic.

Dan: Someone is texting me weird stuff. Probably just kids, prank texting or something? Is prank texting a thing? I’m not hip with the kids. Dunno, just weirded me out a bit.

Dan huffed, blowing his fringe up from his forehead. So apparently, we’re lying now. That’s the choice we have made,” Dan thought.

Phil: You’re not hip with the kids? You’re probably not that much older than them, Dan.

Dan: Oi.

Phil: Sorry ;) But i understand. Ever since I started watching horror films that have that missed call or anonymous mouth breather call tropes, unknown numbers have always freaked me out a little bit.

Phil: Want me to call the number and give those kids a taste of their own medicine?

Dan: Oh yeah, I really want a twenty-three year old man to prank call a bunch of fifteen year olds for me, it’s really so sexy when a grown man reads a bunch of children the riot act over prank texting their boyfriends in the middle of the night. Super cute.

Phil: All I’m saying is I can call them to make sure it is in fact children and not some heavy breathing hash slinging slasher type character.

Dan smiled at the screen, but felt reluctant to send the number. If it was Carter, wouldn’t Phil immediately recognize it? He supposed that it was possible Carter had changed the number in the time that has passed since Phil had last known him, and with how big of an ass he was, Dan wouldn’t be surprised if he had had to change his number more than once just to run away from his mistakes. But even then, Dan himself had had the same number since he was fifteen, so he knew it was also entirely possible for Carter’s number to be the same.

“You need to fucking chill,” Dan muttered to himself, coming to the unfortunate realization that sometimes his inner monologue was painfully similar to Vizzini’s rationalizations in The Princess Bride. “Fuck it.”  
He screenshotted the conversation and cropped it so only the number showed. He sent the image to Phil and waited, a pit forming in his stomach. It felt like a million years before Phil responded.

Phil: Huh. Not a real number.

Dan: What do you mean?

Phil: It says it’s a google voice account. It rang and when they didn’t answer, it said it was a google voice account without an inbox set up.

Phil: Seems like a lot of effort for a prank call.

Somehow, the news that it wasn’t a real number both relieved him and made him more nervous. It wasn’t as though Carter was really going out of his way not to be found out, it wasn’t that hard to set up a Google voice account, but it still made him uncomfortable that he had even anticipated needing to hide. Dan didn’t like the fact that the need to be anonymous, untraceable to the layman, was, to put it simply, kind of fucking creepy.

Dan: Yeah, it does seem that way. But, I mean, maybe kids are more savvy with boredom cures nowadays. They have more resources than we did.

Phil: Again, you’re not that old.

Phil; But you’re right.

Phil started typing again, not giving Dan the time to reply.

Phil: I don’t know, it makes me feel weird though. Like, I feel like I am saying it’s fine, but like, I am that character in the crime thriller that is telling the protag that they’re paranoid when they say something creepy is going on, but end up being wrong and the false sense of security is one of the reasons the protag gets killed.

Dan:.... Calm down, Wes Craven.

Phil: I mean, at this point, Scream could be a prophecy as to how your life will go. Don’t babysit anyone tonight.

Dan: I will try my best not to.

Phil: Good, because I could do without you getting stabbed.

Dan felt his heart lighten. Phil certainly had a way of making him feel better even when he didn’t know Dan needed a pick-me-up. He relaxed into the car seat, his back beginning to hurt from sitting in the cramped cab of the car for so long.

Dan:I need to head home.

Phil: … Where are you?

Dan: In Lou’s car, in the car park at work

Phil: We’ve been talking about serial killers coming to just stab you into oblivion for fifteen minutes while you were sitting in a car in the parking lot in the middle of the night? You’re not going to get murdered at all.

Dan: I’m worried about “the call is coming from inside the house” serial killers, not like Hookman serial killers.

Phil: You should always be aware of your surroundings, Daniel. You can’t be ready if you don’t see it coming.

Dan: I’ll keep that in mind. I’m going to drive home now, I am going to text you when I get home.

Dan: If I’m not horrifically murdered on the way.

Phil: For what it’s worth, I hope you won’t be.

Dan started the car but heard one more text come through on his phone.

Carter: Sicking your boyfriend on me? How cute.

Carter: Does he know who he called?

Carter: I suppose he doesn’t, otherwise he would have texted me. Or at least called more than just the once.

Carter: What do you have to hide, Daniel? Well, more specifically, what do you have to hide about me?

He locked his phone. He needed to get home. At this rate, he would be in the parking lot texting until next week.

He didn’t even turn on his music for the ride home. He didn’t want a song tainted with this memory, he didn’t want to remember this feeling every time he heard a certain opening note or chorus. When he parked the car at his building, the thought struck him that if Carter could find his phone number, then what would stop him from finding his address? His heart dropped. Louise was in there alone, asleep, vulnerable.

He hurried out of the car to the main door of the building, focused solely on getting to his flat and making sure that Louise was alone. If Carter was there, and Dan know the chances of his being there were slim, he doubted Carter would hurt Lou physically. But even Lou being made to share air with the man grossed him out. Carter’s presence, even if he was only present in thought alone, left a thin layer of grime over everything. He didn’t want Louise to be made familiar with that feeling.

Dan opened his front door slowly, not wanting to signal his presence should anyone be in there, but also, he did not want to wake Louise in the instance that everything was ok. He closed the door softly, listening the noises around him. There was the faucet in the bathroom, steadily plinking away the seconds as he stood there. The fridge rattled as the as ice fell out of the ice maker and into the tray. He heard Louise softly snoring in his bedroom. He let out a breath, only then realizing he had been holding it. Carter didn’t know where he lived. He was safe. Louise was safe.

Still something felt off. Only slightly wrong, but still wrong. Like everything had been moved slightly to the left.

His phone buzzed again.

Carter: Well?

Dan: I am going to sleep. I would very much appreciated if you never contact me again.

For once, Carter remained silent.

Dan sighed in relief. He walked, suddenly exhausted to his bedroom. He plopped down gently on the side of the bed that Louise had left for him, noticing a small piece of paper. At first he thought it was a note from Louise, but the writing was much to slanty and harsh to be hers.

 

_Does Phil know about her?_

There was an arrow that pointed towards where Louise lay in his bed.

He thought his heart nearly stopped.

He wiped out his phone and dialed Phil.

“What?” Phil asked after the second ring, a smile in his voice. “Is the hook man standing in your living room?”  
“Phil. I need you to come to mine. Right now.”  
“What, Dan, is everything ok? Do you need me to call the police?” Phil asked, his tone immediately changing.  
“I just. I need you to look at something.”  
“Dan, what is it? What is it that I need to see right now?”  
“Someone has been in my house.”  
“Yeah, Lou.”  
“No someone else. I think I know who it was but I am going to sound crazy when I tell you.”  
“Dan, just tell me,” Phil said, his voice tight.  
“There was a note on the bed next to Louise and it wasn’t in her handwriting. It said “Does Phil know about her?” Dan whispered, his voice shaking. “I think the texts are from the same person.”  
“I’m coming. Stay on the phone with me.” Phil said, his keys jingling in the distance on the other end.  
“Hurry,” Dan pleaded.

He heard Louise stirring behind him.  
“What is it, Dan?”  
“Someone has been in the house,” Dan answered, turning in her direction.  
“What? What did they take?”  
“Nothing. They left this,” Dan said, handing her the note.  
Louise rubbed the sleep from her eyes and took the paper.  
“What the fuck?” Louise breathed, her eyes widening.

Dan had a feeling that “what the fuck” didn’t even begin to explain any of this. Not even a little bit.


	23. Chapter 23

A knock came at the door. 

“It’s me,” Phil’s voice carried softly over the phone. He was barely audible through the door, keeping his voice low as not to wake the neighbors. It was nearly morning now, or too close enough to being nearly morning that anyone wouldn't be able to go back to sleep if they were woken up. 

“Coming,” Dan whispered into the phone. He didn’t hang up. He knew it was a bit overkill, but he felt, right now, he was better safe than sorry, so he checked the peephole. Phil was stood on the other side, one hand holding the phone and the other pushing his hair back from his forehead. 

“You going to let me in?” he asked impatiently. 

Dan read the words on his lips as he heard them filter through the phone. 

“Yeah, yeah, sorry,” Dan muttered, shaking himself back into reality. He was safe. It was only Phil. He unlocked the knob, the deadbolt and then pulled the chain out, barely having time to step out of the way before Phil pushed past him. 

Phil was still in the process of hanging up the phone when he asked, “Have you checked the wardrobe or the bathroom or the linen closet or anything?” 

“For what?” Dan asked. “The boogeyman?” 

“Cute. No, for whoever  was in the house. Whoever left the note,” Phil clarified, ignoring Dan’s attempt to make light of the situation. He made a beeline to the largest cupboard in the kitchen. 

“There’s shelves in there, Phil, a person couldn’t possibl-” 

“Are you going to go check your wardrobe or just leave Louise alone in there with whatever could be hiding about?” Phil asked, his faee uncharacteristically stern, the tinkle of a joke that never seemed to leave his eyes suddenly extinguished. 

“I-I-I’ll go,” Dan stuttered, a bit in shock. He stumbled down the hall, more struck by the fact that Phil seemed to know how to handle this better than any normal person should than the idea that somebody else could be in the house with the three of them. 

 

“What’d he say?” Louise asked, standing at the side of Dan’s bed, clutching the note with both hands. 

“To check the wardrobe,” Dan parrotted. “Should probably check under the bed, too,” he added, waving his hand at Louise, then to the bed. None of it felt real. 

He grasped the handle of the wardrobe and froze. He didn’t think anyone was actually in there, in his heart of hearts, truly, he didn’t. But if there was, he didn’t know what he’d do. It was like when he heard a noise outside his window at night when he was  a kid, and he wanted so badly to look and see what it was, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He told himself it was a tree branch or an opossum, but if he were to look and there was a man stood outside his window, he didn’t know what he would do. Scream? Run? Stand completely still as his hair went white? This moment felt a whole lot like that one. 

“No one there,” Louise called to him from her place by the bed, on her hands and knees, her head half disappeared beneath the bed frame. 

“Of course not,” Dan responded without really thinking about the words coming out of his mouth. He inhaled deeply through his nose and He opened the door quickly, like ripping off a bandaid. 

 

Just clothes. 

“Nothing in here either,” he replied, brushing his sweaters to the side just to be sure, and found nothing but the wooden backboard of this wardrobe. 

“We’re good in here?” Phil asked, suddenly at his side. 

“Yeah,” Louise answered, standing back up. 

“Where’s the note?” 

“Here,” Louise held it out to him, careful not to fold it. 

Phil studied it carefully. “Who do you think it is?” he asked, turning to Dan. 

Dan though he heard an emphasis on the ‘you’ as though Phil already had someone in mind himself. 

“You’re going to think I am crazy.” 

“Try me.” 

Dan shrugged, avoiding it. 

“Dan,” Phil chastised. 

“Carter. Okay? Carter.” 

“I don’t think you’re crazy,” Phil said flatly, not breaking eye contact. He barely even reacted. It made Dan’s stomach turn. 

 

“What?” Louise gasped. “Nooo.” 

Neither man said anything. 

“Yes?” Louise asked. 

“It looks like his handwriting,” Phil said, looking back to the note. 

“A lot of people write like that,” Louise suggested, but even she didn’t even sound convinced. 

“When you called and said.. Well, the note. I thought it might be him. A couple weeks after we broke up, after I had changed the locks but before I moved, I found a note on my pillow,” Phil explained. He pulled out his phone and started swiping through pictures quickly. “Here,” he said, finally settling upon an image. 

 

_ I guess this is Goodbye.  _

 

was scrawled across the scrap of paper, and Dan had to admit, the handwriting did look similar. If he had any doubt now, it was gone. 

 

“Lou,” Phil asked, his face suddenly stricken with worry. “You live with your parents, right?” 

“Yeah, what of it?” Louise answered, puzzled. 

“I don’t want you to be alone now that he’s seen you. At least not alone and unconscious.” 

“Well, fuck,” Louise sighed. 

“Don’t worry, I don’t think he  _ would  _ do anything to you, but just in case, I would never forgive myself if I left you in a situation where he even had the opportunity to,” Phil reassured her, resting his hand on her shoulder. 

“No, not oh fuck, he’s going to do something to do something to me. Oh fuck, my parents left on holiday this morning, so yeah, I live with them, but they aren’t there right now,”  Louise clarified. 

“Oh. Well. Shit.” Phil said. “I’ll have Martyn come stay with you, it will be fine,” he continued, turning his attention to his phone, ready to call his brother. 

“No!” Louise said, pushing his hand down so he couldn’t dial. 

“Okay?” Phil answered, baffled. 

“It’s just, I know I am grown and all, but I don’t think my parents would really appreciate an older man staying in my house with me while they were gone. Even if he is my boss. Actually, that might make it worse,” Louise explained, wrinkling her nose. 

“They don’t have to know,” Phil shrugged. 

“Oh, but they will. Nosey neighbor Hildy will make sure of that,” Louise chuckled. 

“Oh. Ok, well. I won’t have you sleep at the couch at mine all week, so I will have you go to Martyn’s and he can take his couch,” Phil decided. 

“Why can’t you sleep on your couch at yours and she take your bed?” Dan asked, completely confused. 

“Well, you and I can’t both fit on my couch. Have you seen us? We’re giants,” Phil asked, motioning to his own stature. 

Wait, why am I there, too?” Dan sputtered. 

“You think I am going to leave you here on your own when he knows where you are and he’s gotten in here once before? Not in a million years. You can stay with me. He doesn’t know where I live. I’ve moved since… since he happened,” Phil finished. 

“Phil, love, he found Dan’s pretty easily it seems, I’m sure he could find you,” Louise pointed out. 

“Yeah. Follow us from the store. Follow  _ Lou _ from the store. I’m sorry if not being alone doesn’t particularly make me feel safer,” Dan added. 

“I have an alarm system. A very, very good alarm system,” Phil responded. 

“Well, me and Martyn still could get followed, given that Martyn is even ok with me infringing upon his life, he could have plans or something this weekend, he could be planning to have people over,” Louise rambled. 

“He has the same alarm system as me, I insisted. And he isn’t planning on having people over, trust me, he never does,” Phil insisted. 

“I still don’t think he would-” 

“If you let me call him, then we would know,” Phil interrupted. 

“He probably won’t even be up,” Louise argued. 

“He was up when I left the shop,” Dan said. 

“How about we just call him, you chatterboxes,” Phil huffed. 

“Sorry,” Dan and Louise answered simultaneously. 

 

The phone rang three times before Martyn answered. 

“Phil, it’s too late for this.” 

Dan could barely hear Martyn’s voice on the other line, muffled from being pressed against Phil’s ear. 

“I know it’s late, but this is serio-no. This is serious. This isn’t some emotional bullshit. This is Carter, okay?” Phil said, the words sounding heavy on his tongue.

Dan couldn’t quite make out Martyn’s response, but it didn’t sound pleasant. 

“No, not me, Dan. He broke into his flat while Lou was here sleeping. He left a note,” Phil explained. 

There was a pause as Martyn spoke again. 

“I know. No, really, I know. I think I can argue that I know better than anyone what this means, Martyn. I’m bringing him to mine, of course. But can I ask a favor of you? No, no do-Martyn, don’t call the police. We aren’t at the point yet. Can you- yes I am sure, can you just please listen? Lou’s family is on holiday until- Lou,” he whispered, covering the receiver. “When are your parents on holiday until?” 

“Two weeks from today,” Lou answered. “But this will blow over in like a week right?” 

Phil shook his head. “Wouldn’t count on it,” he uncovered the receiver and returned his attention to Martyn. “Two weeks. Aw, stop complaining, be chivalrous for once in your life. Yes, you can borrow my air mattress. You know what, why don’t you flip a coin with her and see who gets it? Your funeral though, you’re the one that will be trapped in a flat with her and get an earful about it.” Another pause. “That’s what I thought. Listen, I’m gonna have Dan pack up then follow me and Lou to her place in my car. Meet us there in 45. I’ll have her text you her address,” he said, waving a hand at Lou as if to say he wasn’t going to repeat himself, this was him asking. “See you in forty five,” Phil finished and hung up the phone. 

“You’d think he’d done this before,” Lou muttered, leaning into Dan’s side, keeping her voice low. 

“Because I have,” Phil responded, sticking his phone back into his pocket. “Except I was in your shoes last time.”

“Ears like a bat, that one has,” Louise said, her voice at the same volume as before. 

“It must be selective, I always thought he was a bit deaf,” Dan whispered back, trying to keep a grin of his face. Now didn’t feel like the best time for jokes, but sometimes it was all a person could do to stay sane. 

‘Which means I can still hear you,” Phil retorted. “Whether it’s because I am choosing to or because I actually have great hearing, you will never know. Now get your things together. I am going to look at the front door to see if he fucked with the lock or you just happened to leave it unlocked.”    
“I wouldn’t have left it unlocked with Louise alone here. Hell, I wouldn’t have left it unlocked period. I don’t want my game consoles to get knicked, thank you very much.” Dan argued. 

“Good to know that I am just as important as the gaming consoles. Now I know how you really feel,” Louise put her hand on her heart. 

“Alright, you two, that’s enough. Dan, you pack a bag. You can do laundry at mine if you need to, I know you haven’t been home long enough to do any yet. Lou, love, will you make some coffee while he packs? I think it’s going to be a few hours before any of us sleeps. When you’re done, I need you to follow Louise in my car to her house. I”m going to ride shotgun with her. Sound good?” 

‘Sir, yes, sir,” Dan saluted. 

“Shut up, you ass,” Phil chuckled, winking at Dan before he left to check the lock. 

 

“Two weeks,” Louise said, huffing with disbelief. “I can’t live with Martyn for two whole weeks.” 

“I think it’s better than being alone when you’re on his radar. Even if you haven’t done anything to upset him, he knows you matter to us. Or at least to me. Just go with it, ok Lou? I think Phil knows what he is doing. Or at least he knows better than we do,” Dan sighed. 

 

Dan’s phone buzzed. His heart almost stopped. He pulled it out of his pocket, braced to read Carter’s name on the screen, but instead found Phil’s. 

 

Phil: Bring anything valuable. Or that you care about. Won’t want to leave it unattended somewhere he can get to. 

Phil: Especially stuff of emotional value.

Phil: Anything he can use to get to you, to make you upset, bring it. 

 

‘Fuck, that sure makes me feel better,” Dan said, turning the screen for Louise to read.

“He’s just trying to protect you,” Lou answered, holding Dan’s hand steady so she could read the phone. 

‘Just a minute ago you were moaning about having to stay at Martyn’s for a week. Isn’t that him trying to protect you, too?” Dan replied. 

“Yes,” Louise replied after a moment’s thought. “I guess I shouldn’t have complained about it. I’m  just a little… a little overwhelmed.” 

‘Tell me about it,” Dan laughed. 

“I’m going to make coffee. I guess. Might as well. The sun will be up soon anyway,” Louise joked. 

“I’m going to pack, then. God this is surreal.” 

“Try not to think about it too much. At least not for the moment. I know that’s a lot to ask of you,” Louise said, stopping in the doorway. “But right now, I don’t think this is something we can really understand. I think we need to forget about it for maybe ten minutes. It will still be a problem in the morning.”

‘That’s encouraging,” Dan said, pulling his suitcase back out of the closet. It hadn’t been put away for nearly long enough. He hated to be packing it again.

“I try,” Louise said, giving him a weak smile, then leaving the room. 

 

He pulled all his clean clothes from the drawers and wardrobe, but there weren’t many. They were mostly dirty from the trip. He threw his dirty clothes in a laundry bag and stuffed that into his suitcase as well. At least most of his stuff being dirty meant there wasn’t much he could do in terms of being tidy. He hadn’t unpacked his toiletry bag yet, apart from his tooth brush, but he would stop by the bathroom on the way out and pick it up. 

He stood up and looked around the room, trying to think up what he would want to take that had sentimental value. Dan liked to pretend he wasn’t a sentimental person, but he knew that was the exact opposite of the truth. He got emotionally attached to his cell phone for Christ’s sake, he nearly had a breakdown every time he had to upgrade. It wasn’t so much that he wanted to figure out what had sentimental value, it was that he needed to decide what wasn’t important enough to take. 

 

His eyes landed on a bear that sat on his bedside table. He had had it longer than he could remember. That had to come. 

 

“Need help?” 

Dan nearly jumped out of his skin. He turned back to the door to fund Phil leaning against the door jamb watching him. 

“Yeah,” Dan said. ‘Yeah,” he repeated, walking over to the bear. “There’s a shoe box under the bed, would you mind grabbing it?” 

“Of course,” Phil nodded. ‘This one?” he asked, moments later, holding up an old Converse box. 

“That’s the one,” Dan nodded, placing the bear gently into his suitcase. 

“What’s in it? Not shoes?” Phil said, lifting the box up and down, testing the weight. 

“Shoes! Need shoes,” Dan said, hitting himself in the forehead then going back to the wardrobe to decide which shoes he absolutely needed. “You can look in it if you like.” 

Dan heard Phil set the box down on the dresser, then the rustling of paper. It was mostly tickets from school dances that he and Louise had gone to over the years and faded polaroids from various Pet Castle parties, mostly of him and Louise, but some candids of the other employees. Maybe a few more candids of Phil than anyone else, but they certainly weren’t only of him. Dan hoped he wouldn’t notice the slight difference in numbers. 

He turned back to where Phil stood, two pairs of sneakers in hand. Phil was holding a yellowed piece of lined paper, torn of a note pad. The blue ink written across the page was striking against the yellow. 

“I wrote this,” Phil said, tracing the words with his index finger. ‘This is  _ old _ ,” he said, turning the paper over in his hands. 

Dan smiled, setting slipping the shoes into the front pocket of his case. “I think I was sixteen when you gave me that,” he said. 

“Instructions on how to take care of your new goldfish,” Phil read across the first line of the page. “I remember this. His name was Gerard wasn’t it? Yeah, Gerard.” 

“God, I’m so cringe, don’t remind me,” Dan said, shuddering. 

‘You told me like fifteen times that it was after Gerard Way as well. You really wanted me to know that,” Phil continued. 

“Ew, stop.” 

“What? My Chemical Romance is fine, why stop? You were emo as hell then. You wanted everyone to know that, too,” Phil pointed out. 

“I’m surprised you noticed, seeing as you barely even knew that I existed,” Dan pouted jokingly. 

“You were sixteen, Dan, I had no business noticing anything about you,” Phil responded. 

“Excuses, excuses,” Dan teased. 

“I notice you now,” Phil said, reaching out and hooking his finger through Dan’s belt loop, trying to pull him closer. 

“I’m trying to pack, please,” Dan said, resisting his boyfriend’s pull. 

“I know, sorry. Creepy exes really kill the mood, huh?” Phil laughed before returning to looking through the box. 

He pulled out a similar looking piece of paper, perhaps even from the same pad. The writing was in the same tidy script, in the same blue ink. 

 

_ Your employee number is 3851 _

_ You will use it to clock in/out as well as to ring on the registers. Don’t forget it!  _

_ Welcome to the team, we are you happy to have you, Dan!  _

_ -Phil Lester, Co-Manager.  _

 

“You kept this too?” Phil asked, showing it to Dan. 

“In case I forgot my employee number,” Dan said, blushing. 

“Sure,” Phil said, smiling mischievously. 

 

‘Hey, boys,” Louise called from the hall. “Coffee is ready.” 

“Thanks, Lou,” Phil called back, careful not to be too loud. “You want some?” Phil asked, putting his hand on the small of Dan’s  back. 

“No, I’m good,” Dan said. “Funnily enough, sheer terror at the idea of someone being in my house without my permission really does wonders in terms of keeping you up,” he continued. 

“Ok, ok, I get it,” Phil said, kissing Dan on the cheek. He took a moment to shuffle the papers back into the box, then left the room.

Dan picked up the box, held it in his hands for a moment, then tried to fit it into the suitcase. It wouldn’t. He thought maybe that was a sign that he didn’t need to bring it, but he knew he couldn’t. This was exactly the kind of thing that they didn’t want Carter to get his hands on. He would love it, revel in every moment spent defiling those memories. 

 

Also, Dan couldn’t stand the thought of Carter looking through the photos. He was sure he would pass over the ones of him and Louise, those weren’t what he would be interested in. It was the pictures of Phil that Dan was worried about. They were old, and Phil probably looked pretty close to how he had looked when Carter had been around. He was sure Carter had other pictures of Phil, they had dated for a while, so why wouldn’t he? But he didn’t want him to have these, pictures of Phil through his eyes. 

 

He searched under his bed and found a duffel and stuck the box in there. He took the bags and carried them out to the lounge. 

 

“Done?” Phil asked from the kitchen where he was leant against the counter, holding a mug with both hands. Louise was stood next to him, her cup of coffee on the counter. She was stirring it absentmindedly, but she wasn’t really drinking it. 

“Not quite,” Dan answered, setting the suitcase by the front door and taking the duffel with him. He sat on the floor in front of the television and started unhooking the Xbox. 

“Really?” Phil asked. 

“Emotional. Value.” 

“Ok, ok, but you’re carrying it. You know I have one at mine, right?” Phil asked. 

“Of course, but I don’t want anything to happen to this one. Or to these,” he said, picking up the stack of games from the TV stand. 

 

They were silent as Dan finished packing up his electronics into the duffel bag. “Ok. I’m ready, I guess,” Dan said, setting his second by the door. “Wash those, will you?” Dan said, motioning to the mugs. “I just… I don’t know when I’ll be back and I don’t want them to get all moldy and gross.” Dan shuddered at the thought of the times he had left the tiniest bit of coffee and cream in a mug then let it lie in the sink for a few days to find a tiny mold farm in it when he did finally go to wash it. 

“Yeah, of course,” Louise answered, almost robotically, dumping her full cup of coffee in the sink and rinsing it out with soap and water. She dried the mug and set it in the drying rack next to the sink, then returned to her place on the counter next to Phil, staring blankly at the kitchen floor. 

“You ok, Lou?” Dan asked, walking into the kitchen and leaning against the sink across from them. 

“I-yeah. I mean no. I mean. As ok as I can be. Do you.. I just hope he didn’t.. Nevermind, I don’t know,” Louise stuttered. 

“What?” Dan prodded. “Lou, please, just tell me.” 

“I just keep imagining that he sat on the bed and started at me for like half an hour or something and I didn’t wake up? How did I not wake up? He could have touched me. Not like… well you know, not like that, not without drugging me or me waking up, and even if I didn’t wake up, I think that I would feel something now, that I would feel different. But you were able to wake me up without even meaning to, so I mustn’t have been drugged. But what if… what if he just touched my hair or my face or something? I know it doesn’t mean anything, but it really grosses me out,” she finished, letting out a shaky breath. 

“It does mean something, Lou, even his being here without our permission is totally violating and, and disgusting,” Dan assured her. 

“And,” Phil started, putting his hand over hers where it rest on the counter next to him. “I can’t tell you if he did or not, and I can’t undo it if he did, but I will not let Carter near you ever again. None of us will. You’re in good hands. I know how to deal with him. So does Martyn. You’re safe now. Right, Dan?” 

 

Dan wasn’t sure he knew they were safe and better than Louise did, but he nodded, just to make sure she felt better. 

“See,” Phil said, squeezing Louise’s hand. “Now, let’s get the hell out of here.” 

 

Dan followed phil to the door. Phil picked up Dan’s suitcase and pointed to the duffel bag,” Don’t forget your entire arcade.”

“Oh, I won’t,” Dan said, rather defiantly. 

Lou fathered up her things and followed them close behind. Dan locked behind him. He rattled the door knob to ensure it was looked but he wasn’t sure it would make much of a difference. They walked down the hall down into the elevator in silence, the only noise being the steady roll of the wheels on Dan’s suitcase. 

 

The sky was just beginning to tinge purple when they exited the building, dawn finally creeping into close a night that felt as though it would never end. 

Phil’s car beeped as it unlocked. The boot popped open and Phil lifted the suitcase into the car. Dan laid the duffel next to it. He carefully closed the boot door and turned to the other two. 

“Here,” Phil said, holding out his keys to Dan. Dan took them reluctantly. He didn’t want to be alone, even if only for a few minutes. 

“Follow us. I know you know how to get there, but I want to be able to see you in case...” Phil trailed off, his eyes skimming over the rest of the lot, as though he was searching for something. His search must have come up dry, because his eyes came back to rest on Dan’s without pause. “Just in case,” he finished rather cryptically. 

‘In case of what?” Dan asked, all though he already knew the answer. He tightened his grip on Phil’s car keys, the metal digging into his palm uncomfortably. 

Phil said nothing, but reached for Dan’s free hand, holding it tightly. 

 

A car started somewhere in the lot, causing them all to jump. 

“Right, well, we should get going,” Dan said, letting his hand fall from Phil’s. He hugged Louise, because it felt like the right thing to do. 

“I love you,” he said, hugging her to tighter to himself. 

“You, too,” she said, her voice strained. When he pulled away, he could see tears in her eyes. He laughed. 

“What?” she asked, sounding almost annoyed. 

“It’s the first time I’ve ever said that without you having something smart to say in return,” Dan answered. 

“Yeah well. Remind me later and I’ll have something smart to say about it then, alright? I’m too tired now,” Louise responded, pushing Dan’s shoulder. 

“Sure, it’s a plan,” Dan said. He turned to Phil. “I’ll see you in just a few then?” 

“Right,” Phil nodded. 

“Ok, good.” 

He went into give Phil a quick hug, but found himself not wanting to let go. He felt Phil tighten his grip around him, burying his face into Dan’s neck. Phil pulled away and quickly kissed Dan on the lips. 

“I love you,” Dan said, smiling weakly. 

“I love you, too,” Phil replied. The engine of the car that had started revved in the background. 

“Ok, let’s go, then.” Dan said, making his way towards Phil’s car. 

 

Dan surveyed the parking lot from behind the wheel as he waited for Phil and Louise to get into her car. He was surprised not to see any lights or moving cars in the lot. The other car had been running for a few minutes now, but he couldn’t quite pinpoint where it was coming from. He and the others were the cars closest to the singular exit from the car park and now one had passed. He stomach settled into unease. Where was the car Why hadn’t they left yet? WHy had they started the car if they didn’t want to leave? Just so they would know they were there too?

Everything in his body was screaming that they needed to get out of there, and right away. 

He urged them to move faster as he watched them mosey around the car. Phil pulled out his phone, Dan presumed to tell Martyn they were on their way to Lou’s parents’ place. 

“Come on,” Dan muttered to himself as they seemed to take ages to get the car started. Dan started Phil’s car when he saw Louise’s brake lights flicker on. 

He let Louise start on her way first, following her closely. 

He happened to clang in the rear view mirror just in time to see a nice car, maybe a BMW, pull out of the lot. 

It speed up until it was less than two feet behind Dan, then made an illegal pass, sped around Louise, then drove away faster than any of them could completely process what was happening. 

“What kind of assho-”Dan became saying, falling silent when it finally struck him. 

  
Carter had been in the car park the whole time. 

 

Waiting. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> S


	24. Chapter 24

Dan’s heart was in his throat the entire rest of the drive to Louise’s. He wanted to know if he was being paranoid or if they thought the same thing, had the same explanation as he did for that horrible driver. He was guessing yes, as Louise was speeding heavily, and she never did. She was always a cautious driver.  
Louise pulled up in front of her house, Dan parking directly behind her.  
“Did you see that?” Louise asked the moment both their doors were open.  
“Yeah,” Dan nodded solemnly. “It was him wasn’t it?” he asked, directing his attention to Phil, who had just joined them on the drivers’ side of the cars.  
“Don’t see who else it could be,” he replied. “He used to drive a black Mercedes but that could definitely have changed in the time since he lived here. He’s not someone to keep a car for a long time. He likes things shiny and new.”  
Dan tossed the car keys to Phil, who caught them out of the air and stuffed them in his pocket.  
“I don’t think he was in the building, at least not while we were there,” Dan speculated. “We would have seen him walk out.”  
They were silent for a moment before Dan spoke again with a sudden urgency.  
“He could have followed us here., sped away just to throw us off.”  
He looked up and down the street, trying to make out if any of the cars parked along it were the car.  
“No, I don’t think so,” Phil assured him. “I think it was just him letting us know he was there. If you think about it, I didn’t notice this at the time, but realized it on the way over, but that car in the lot only started making a lot of noise when you and I were touching. I think he was trying to intimidate us, but it wasn’t working because I guess we didn’t catch on,” Phil supposed. “I don’t know how he expected us to know that was what he was doing, but I think he did.”  
“I guess,” Dan said. It made sense, in a weird way, he had to admit. 

A car accelerated in the distance. Goosebumps rose all up and down Dan’s arms. He could sense the noise had made the others tense as well.  
“Let’s go in,” Louise decided, shaking them all from their thoughts, carrying them as far away from the fear instilled in them by the road noise as she could. 

Once inside, Louise did a tour of the house, making sure all the windows and doors were locked. Phil went up stairs and went about checking all the rooms, under beds and in wardrobes. Louise hadn’t asked him to, but she didn’t ask him to stop either. Dan stood in the foyer, unmoving, like a deer in the headlights (but he felt more like a deer in the lying in the road after the headlights had promptly left the scene), watching the two people he loved most in the world tornadoing around him, feeling as somehow as though their panic was his fault. He should have told Phil straight out who was texting him. He didn’t know how that would have prevented this escalation, but he felt like maybe it would have. Or maybe it just would have fueled the fire. It seemed Carter freaked out whenever presented with the idea that Dan and Phil had ever even said to each other.  
Dan wondered why him? Surely, if Carter was this invested in Phil’s love life, he stalked Phil’s social media, and there have definitely been posts of Phil with other people since he had been with Carter, and if they weren’t on Phil’s profile, then they were on other people’s. And if Carter was capable of breaking and entering, then surely he was capable of bypassing any privacy settings that Phil had in place to keep him out of his life. If there had been others, then why him? What about him did Carter hate so much?  
There came a knock at the door behind him. Dan nearly jumped out of his skin.  
Phil and Louise froze in their tracks. Phil halfway down the stairs, Louise coming out of the kitchen into the entry hallway. All of them stared at the door, their breathing shallow, trying to make as little noise as possible.

“It’s me!” Martyn’s voice called from the doorstep.  
They all relaxed at the familiar sound.  
“Let him in,” Phil called to Dan softly.  
Dan checked the peephole, once more just to be safe.  
“It’s him, “ he confirmed.  
“Of course it’s him. What, do you think Carter has a Martyn Lester voice modulator?” Louise scoffed.  
“I wouldn’t put it past him,” Dan shrugged.  
“I know you’re in there, I can hear whispering,” Martyn yelled, banging on the door harder.  
“Coming, I’m coming, god,” Dan answered, undoing the latch and the lock. “Patience is a virtue,” he said, stepping aside to let Martyn in.  
“Forgive me if I’m in a little bit of a hurry not to be outside alone with Phil’s ex-monster being God know’s where, how unreasonable of me,” Martyn said pointedly, hurrying past Dan. “Everyone ok?” he asked, closing and locking the door behind him.  
“For the most part,” Louise answered. “I’m going to pack, I guess. You lot make yourself at home,” she added, pushing past Phil on the narrow staircase.  
“Ok, take your time,” Dan called behind her. He lead the other two men into the kitchen and sat down. Phil boosted himself onto the counter, letting his ten mile long legs swing back and forth, stopping them just short of kicking the cupboards. If Mrs. Pentland -Lou’s stepmom- had been around, she would have had a coronary, seeing a grown man put his ass on the counter and kick around like a child. But, for all of theirsakes, she wasn’t, and what she didn’t know couldn’t hurt her- or her counters. Martyn sat directly across from Dan, putting his feet up on one of the extra chairs.  
Dan laughed quietly to himself.  
“What?” the Lester boys asked in unison.  
“Nothing, nothing,” Dan assured them. “It’s just I can’t take you guys anywhere.”  
“Oi!” Phil responded, kicking a leg out in Dan’s direction. “She said make ourselves at home.”  
“I don’t think she meant put your ass on the food preparation surfaces,” Martyn pointed out.  
“Or put your feet up where they eat,” Phil retorted.  
“Ok, ok, sorry I brought it up, more important things to discuss,” Dan said, holding up his hands in exasperation. “So. What…. Do we even do? Call the police?”  
“We can, but they probably won’t be much help,” Martyn mumbled, rolling his eyes.  
“What do you mean?” Dan replied, somewhat baffled. He didn’t know what else there was to do besides call the police. 

“Last time,” Phil began, “we went to the police with the note and they said there was nothing they could do. There was no sign of forced entry, how I have no idea, but he got into your place the same way, without a trace. They said anyone could give you a note, that wasn’t illegal, and he wasn’t posing a direct threat. And since this is pretty much the same deal, there’s really no point. So, we wait.”  
“But isn’t his presence in a place he shouldn’t be threatening in itself? Doesn’t he want to to feel unsafe because of it?” Dan argued, frustrated.  
“What proof do you have besides the note? The number he was texting you from isn’t a real number. I’m sure they can trace it back to him, but since he didn’t threaten your life or anything, I doubt they would. They’ll try to explain it away. They’ll say things like could it be a friend playing a prank on you? Louise was in the house, she could have done it. Could you have written the note and forgotten? Were you drunk? Were you overtired? Are you sure you found it inside the house? I know it sounds ridiculous, but in my experience, that’s what happens. Not because they don’t want to help, but there’s nothing they can do,” Phil explained, getting a little bit worked up.  
“Oh,” Dan said, wilting in his chair. “Then.. Then what do we wait for?”  
“For him to get bored, hopefully. Or for him to escalate. Give us a reason to call the police and a reason for them to be able to take action,” Martyn replied rather flatly.  
“Last time, he got bored,”Phil added quickly, seeing the sheer panic fall over Dan’s face.  
“Right,” Dan said, taking a deep breath. “Right. So how do we keep him from e-escalating?”  
“Keep you from where he can get to you would be my best guess. Louise, too. Don’t give him the opportunity to do more,” Phil determined.  
“Honestly, our flats are pretty hard to get into without the alarm going off. I’d say the first three months that Phil and I had them, we set them off like ten times each. We had to pay fines. But I don’t think Carter will be able to do it, once he realizes that we live in fortresses,” Martyn added.  
“I think we should leave my car here,” Louise said, walking into the kitchen with her bags.  
“Why’s that?” Phil asked.  
“Because maybe it will throw him off, at least for a little. If he followed us here or somehow finds my address and my car is here, he won’t know that I’ve gone with you,” Louise shrugged. “I guess he’s more likely to be watching your flats, now that I think about it, but I mean, I kind of don’t want to be driving on my own anyway. I don’t want to be by myself at all, really.”  
“I say it’s a good idea. We’ll just have to rework the schedule so that Lou and I are working the same hours and you and Dan are working the same hours,” Martyn said to Phil. “Though I’ve been reworking the schedule so you two work together for years now just to protect myself against the wrath of Dan Howell,” he added jokingly.  
“What? I don’t even have a wrath. I asked nicely,” Dan defended himself.  
“I think I can remember more than one occasion where you said and I quote, “I will kill you if you don’t let me and Lou switch shifts,” Martyn said, raising his eyebrows.  
“Hm. I do not recall,” Dan said, trying to keep a smile from his lips.  
“Of course you don’t,” Martyn laughed. “But anyway, it shouldn’t be too difficult. I would prefer these two be with someone who has handled Carter before, but as long as they’re with someone, I’m not worried.”  
“Are you sure? I would be a little worried if it was just the two of them by themselves,” Phil speculated.  
“No, of course not that. That would be like putting them on a platter and offering them up to him so he could fuck with them,” Martyn said, shaking his head. “But if we need to do something, there’s always Mum and Dad.”  
“I resent the fact that you think we need babysitters,” Louise said.  
“Says Ms. I don’t want to be on my own right now,” Martyn pointed out.  
“Well yeah, but I don’t want you to ring your mum and ask her to watch us,” Louise replied.  
“You know it isn’t like that,” Martyn said, his voice apologetic. “Listen, I know none of this is ideal, but until we know he’s bored of this and decided to move on, I need you safe.”  
“I know,” Louise said, guiltily.  
“Shit,” Phil said, looking at his phone.  
“What?” Dan asked, his stomach doing flips.  
“The store. We need to be there in like an hour, Dan. We’re opening shift,” Phil said, dragging a hand over his face.  
“Fuck,” Dan said, fatigue immediately hitting him at the realization that he would have to work the next eight hours with no sleep. “Great. Just fucking peachy.”  
“We need to head to mine really quick and drop of your things, and I need to take out my contacts because I don’t think my poor eyes can handle two days straight with no break, and then we’ll head out,” Phil said.  
“Alright,” Dan agreed, resigning himself to certain death, whether it be at the hands of Carter or over exhaustion due to not sleeping for God knows how long. 

“Martyn, if you want to come in a little early today, I’m sure we wouldn’t object, as you get to go home and have a little nap,” Phil said, obviously trying to ask Martyn to come in a little earlier than normal without actually asking because he wasn’t one to ask for favors.  
Martyn seemed not to hear him, instead saying, “I need to get your air mattress before you go.”  
“Meet us at mine then,” Phil said waving his hand dismissively. He hopped down from the counter. “You have everything you need?’ he asked, looking to Louise.  
“Let’s hope,” Louise sighed, tightening her grip on her case, eyeing the other bag on the ground.  
“Let’s go then,” Phil decided. 

They filed out of the house quietly. 

“Make sure you lock up well,” Martyn reminded Louise softly, taking her bags so her hands were free to do so. 

They made their way out to the street, where their cars were waiting patiently.  
“See you later,” Louise said, patting the hood of her car as she passed it. 

Martyn had come in the company van and was hoisting Louise’s bags in the back when Louise turned and wrinkled her nose at him. 

“If you get any fish juice on my stuff, you’re a dead man,” Lou warned.  
“I don’t know what kind of fish you think Phil took to expo, but none of them secrete juice,” Martyn replied, shutting the door forcefully.  
“I just saying that if it happens I won’t be happy.”  
“Oh, we wouldn’t want that, your majesty,” Martyn said, bowing and opening the passenger door for Lou.  
“Damn right ‘your majesty’”Louise mumbled. 

“Hey,” Dan called. “You’re stuck with each other for the next two weeks, so let’s try to get through them without you two at each other’s throats the whole time, yeah?”  
“Okay,” they agreed.  
‘But she started it,” Martyn added under his breath.  
“How old?” Louise asked him. “How old are you?”  
“Old enough to know who started it,” Martyn retorted.  
“They’re going to kill each other within three days, it’s hopeless,” Dan said, turning to Phil.  
“Eh, they’ll be fine,” Phil replied nonchalantly. “Come on then, no one else will run the store for us, let’s get a move on.” 

Dan groaned but went round to the passenger side of the car. “I don’t if I have any move to get on with,” he mumbled.  
“Well you better find some, because unfortunately, you don’t have any time to call out and even if you did your would have to come to the store with me anyway, or go to Martyn and listen to the Bickersons all day,” Phil offered.  
“I’d rather get paid for my misery, thank you,” Dan replied. 

Dan felt his eyes get heavy the moment his butt hit the car seat.  
He must have begun nodding off because Phil jostled his knee. The car was moving.  
“If I don’t get to sleep, no one does,” Phil teased.  
“That’s the rudest thing you’ve ever said to me,” Dan said, nuzzling into the seat.  
“I’m going to bug you the whole way there to keep you awake,” Phil threatened.  
“Do your worst,” Dan replied closing his eyes and leaning back into the head rest. If Phil said anything in response, Dan didn’t want to hear him, as exhausted as he was. He slipped off into a dreamless sleep.


	25. Chapter 25

“Dan.”

 

He turned his head in the direction of the voice. 

 

‘Why’d you let me fall asleep?” he asked. 

 

“You looked cute,” Phil replied. 

 

“I hope you were looking at the road and not at me the whole time,” Dan said, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. 

 

“It was about a seventy-five/twenty-five split in favor of you,” Phil joked. “Come on. We need to go in.” 

 

Dan finally opened his eyes to take in his surroundings. He blinked. He expected them to be at an apartment, somewhere in a residential area, with Martyn parked nearby, waiting impatiently for Phil to rouse him. But, they were behind the shop, where the staff usually parked. 

“Oh.”  
“What?”  
“I thought we were stopping by yours first. I wanted to brush my teeth,” Dan pouted.  
“We did go to mine.” Phil informed him, opening up his door and letting in a chilly morning breeze. “You slept through it. I have a tooth brush in the office if you want to borrow it.”  
“Ew, like one for cleaning tanks?” Dan asked sleepily.  
“No... Like one for cleaning teeth, weirdo. It’s for nights, or mornings, rather, like these, where I didn’t have time to go home. Remember where the clothes were that night I fel- happened to end up in the pump tank? It’s in there. Help yourself. Once we get inside. So get up,” Phil said, pushing Dan’s shoulder.  
“Oh, so like a walk of shame kit?” Dan teased. “Do I want to borrow that? I don’t know where it’s been.”  
“It’s been in my mouth,” Phil replied, nonchalantly. “And if you have an issue with your mouth coming in contact with my mouth germs, then you sure have a funny way of showing it.”  
He stepped out of the car, looking at Dan to follow suit.  
“All I am saying is that a toothbrush is not the proper vehicle for your mouth germs to get in my mouth via,” Dan complained, shutting the car door and hurrying to catch up to Phil.  
The car beeped when Phil locked it, making Dan jump.  
“Just use it,” Phil said, rolling his eyes, “because if you don’t, I don’t want any of your mouth germs. Not with breath like that.”  
“Rude,” Dan smiled, he walked up behind where Phil stood, wrapping his arms around him and trying to plant a kiss on his lips. Phil dodged and offered up his cheek instead. Dan, slightly disappointed, accepted anyway.  
Phil tried to unlock the door, but was hindered by Dan’s koala grip on him.  
“It’s cold out here,” Dan shivered, tightening his arms around Phil’s waist.  
“You know, we could get inside faster if someone wasn’t acting like a human barnacle,” Phil chastised him.  
“Who?” Dan asked. “I’ll tell them to quit it.”  
“Hmmm.. On second thought, don’t” Phil pretended to think about it, finally, getting the door open. “I think I don’t mind human barnacles so much.”  
“Oh, well, that’s good,” Dan nodded, rubbing his cheek against Phil’s back as he did so. 

 

Phil tried to walk into store, but Dan didn’t let go, causing him to shuffle awkwardly behind the other man, more being dragged than walking. 

 

“You’re such a dork,” Phil laughed. “Close the door, would you?”  
“Yep, yep,” Dan answered.  
“You’re silly when you’re tired aren’t you?”  
“Yep, yep.”  
Phil laughed.  
Dan closed the door, and then after a moment’s thought, locked the knob, then after another moment, locked the deadbolt. For a moment, he pondered whether or not he should take one of the chairs from the break table and wedge it under the doorknob or not, wondering how much of a difference it would make should a person make if they got through the lock and the deadbolt.  
“Don’t do it,” Phil said, following his gaze. “Won’t help, and Martyn will kill himself trying to get into the store if it’s there, anyway.”  
“Oh, you’re right huh?”  
“Of course, I am,” Phil replied.  
Dan turned to see Phil pulling off his street clothes shirt and pulling on a company one. His mind travelled back to the day he had found Phil in the pump room without his permission, and he felt a blush rise to his cheeks. He almost wanted to laugh, because two weeks ago, had this happened, he would have thought about what Phil would have felt like under his hands, how he would have smelled, what his lips would feel like against his own, and now he knew. In fact, he could walk over and kiss Phil right now and Phil wouldn’t even be weirded out by it. He might even expect it. Dan realized in that moment that his heart felt full, that this was what he had been waiting for for so long, and finally he had it, right in front of him, and he felt like he was full of so much light and love that he was going to explode. And then there was Carter. Carter, whose sole purpose in life was to take this away from him.  
“Earth to Dan Howell,” Phil chuckled. “I get it, I’m hot, but I can’t pay you to stare at me all day, love,” he added. “As much as I wish that I could.”  
“Sorry,” he mumbled, shaking himself from his thoughts. ‘Sorry, I was just-”  
“Thinking?” Phil interrupted. “How unlike you.”  
“You know what, I bet those animals out there are hungry,” Dan said, rolling his eyes at the other man’s comment. “Someone should feed them.”  
“Isn’t that someone usually you?” Phil said, leaning against the door jamb. “I don’t just sit back here in the mornings for fun, you know. I have paper work.”  
“Yeah, but I’m not dressed and you’re not making me move any faster by being back here,” Dan added, raising his eyebrows. “So maybe you should get to getting and feed those critters.”  
“Alright,” Phil said, feigning annoyance.  
“Get outta here,” Dan motioned.  
Phil winked at him and stepped out into the store, leaving him alone. 

 

The moment Phil was out of sight, he let himself wilt. He was tired. He was so tired. He didn’t think he had ever experience anything so draining in his life, but he supposed that having your new boyfriend’s ex break into your house could do that to you. He walked into the office to get into Phil’s locker and borrow some clean clothes, but he needed just a second to rest, to try and clear his head, maybe make a pot of coffee. He sat down in the office chair and rest his head on the desk. He was just going to rest his eyes for a second. 

 

/// 

 

“Hey, Sleeping Beauty,” Louise said, her voice sugary sweet.  
“I’m up, I’m up,” Dan mumbled. “Aren’t you supposed to be at Martyn’s?”  
“Yeah, like seven hours ago,” Louise giggled.  
Dan sat up. His back killed, which would make sense if he had been leaning over the desk for seven whole hours , but he couldn’t believe that. He wiped the corner of his mouth of the drool that was smeared there. He looked at the desk and saw a small puddle had formed. “Oh, yuck.”  
“Yeah, that’s pretty gross,” Louise agreed. She was standing in the office next to him, all dressed for work. Her eyes were bright, Dan would even venture as far to say she looked well rested. Much more put together than he felt at the moment, which was akin to that little mouse in the teapot from Alice in Wonderland, his hair sticking up funny and his eyes barely able to stay open. Louise on the other hand was so composed that the bow in her ponytail matched her work shirt, both being just the same shade of blue. She was holding to Starbucks cups, one of which had a lid slathered in lipstick.  
“Is one of those for me?” he asked, holding out one hand and making a grabby motion.  
“Wow, presumptuous much,” Louise said, moving the coffee out of his reach.  
“Since when do you bring anyone else in the world coffee besides me?” Dan pouted.  
“I don’t. It’s yours,” Louise admitted, handing it to him.  
Dan took a long swing, wincing as the hot liquid scalded his tongue.  
“Woah, there,” Louise said, her eyes widening. “IF you want to keep your taste buds, I suggest you slow the hell down.”  
“What time is it?” Dan asked, setting down his drink and stretching his arms up into the air.  
“You’re nearly done with your shift,” Louise noted. “It’s almost four.”  
“I never even made it to clock in,” Dan said looking down at himself. “I never even changed into my work shirt. Where the hell is Phil?”  
“Someone clocked you in because you showed up in the dailies today. I mean, your average dollar sale is zero, but you’re officially here,” Louise said shrugging. “He’s running the floor. Someone had to.” she added.  
“Why didn’t he wake me up?” Dan groaned, standing up. His body creaked, glad to be moving after so long in such an uncomfortable position.  
“He said you looked too tired,” Louise explained. “Sounds dumb to me. I would have woken you up if it meant I didn’t have to run the whole store by myself, and I would argue I love you more than most people love someone else. That kid must really like you. It’s been a really busy day as well.”  
“Are you trying to guilt trip me for Phil?” Dan said, pulling off his shirt and pulling on one of Phil’s extra work shirts.  
‘Well, I know he won’t do it, so someone has to,” she said, a mischievous smile forming on her lips.  
“I was sleepy, no one had to guilt me out about it,” Dan whined, running his hands through his hair, trying his best to tame what he was sure was an irreparable mess.  
‘Guess who else is tried?”  
“Don’t say Phil, I already feel ba-”  
“Phil,” Louise interrupted.  
“I don’t like you,” Dan said, squinting at Louise in disapproval.  
“I know,” Louise said, cheerily. “Get out there champ,” she added, patting Dan’s shoulder. 

 

Dan shuffled through the office and back room slowly, still groggy. He held his coffee in both hands, hoping maybe he could absorb the caffeine through osmosis, because the traditional way wasn’t working fast enough. Louise wasn’t lying when she said it was busy. Both Lester boys were busy ringing up customers when he made it to the cash wrap.  
“It lives!” Martyn said jokingly, noticing Dan after he sent the customer on his way with his bags.  
“Oi,” Dan said, without much enthusiasm.  
Phil looked up, flashing him a million watt smile. He had switched to glasses at some point in the day, and his eyes looked tired, but he was happy as ever.  
“Hey, you, how are you feeling?” he asked when he had finished his transaction.  
“You should have woken me up,” Dan complained.  
“That’s what I said,” Martyn rolled his eyes, shooting a glance at his brother.  
“Hey, he’s been through a lot today, I thought he deserved a nap,” Phil protested.  
“Seven hours is hardly a nap, love,” Louise called, hurrying in from the break room. “We’ve got things covered now, boys, you can go.”  
“That sounds like a good idea,” Dan agreed, looking to Phil for a response.  
“Says the guy that slept in back all day,” Martyn joked.  
“Shush, you” Dan replied. He hadn’t meant to do it, and he knew they all knew that, but he felt bad for accidentally abandoning Phil. “By the way, has anything happened? Since I fell asleep?”  
“All quiet on that front,” Phil reported. Dan’s stomach dropped when he noticed that his boyfriend didn’t look relieved, despite the good news.  
“What?” Dan asked, the smile falling from his face.  
“It just..” Phil began, tentatively. “I feel like this is the calm before the storm. Like him being quiet only means he’s on the verge of doing something else. Something worse,” he admitted, his voice low so as the customers in the aisles couldn’t hear him.  
The other three were huddled close to the cash wrap. Dan supposed they looked like four pretty shit employees, all standing around like this in and talking, but he reckoned if the customers knew what they were talking about, they would understand.  
“Maybe the storm already happened though. I mean, it’s hard to tell the calm before the storm from the calm after the storm, I think,” Lou encouraged.  
“Well, I mean, not really,” Martyn argued. “It’s kind of easy to tell because the storm happens in between the two calms and I don’t know if what has already happens can count as a storm. It was pretty minor, in Carter standards. And, it’s possible that the storm could go on and of with some calms in between, I mean, we really never kno-”  
“Not helping,” Louise scolded, glowering at Martyn.  
“Right. We’re fine, Philly, don’t worry,” he revised, the cheer in his voice terribly artificial.  
‘Gee, thanks,” Phil answered, his voice dripping in sarcasm. “Anyway, what I think doesn’t matter, I’m just paranoid. What does matter is I’m about to fall asleep standing up and I want to go home.”  
“Yeah, you two get the hell out of here. Maybe Dan should drive since you’ve been up so long, kiddo,” Louise mentioned, raising an eyebrow at Phil who immediately began to protest.  
“He doesn’t know how to get to my place, so I think that maybe I should just-”  
“Phil. You have GPS on your phone. Let him drive, you needing to feel in total control right now isn’t going to make you feel very great when you end up getting in an accident because you can’t keep your eyes open,” Martyn interrupted.  
“You guys sound like Mum and Dad,” Phil whined.  
“Don’t say that,” Louise protested.  
Martyn wrinkled his nose in agreement. 

 

Dan sighed. He supposed he should appreciate light hearted bickering right now, but he hurt. He was tired, and when he looked at Phil, he could tell he was more than tired, he was exhausted. But worst of all, when he looked at him, really, really looked at him, he could tell that he was scared, and he hated that. The PHil he had known for all these years had always been calm, cool, collected, quiet. He supposed it was because he didn’t know where the other man carried his emotions; in smiles that didn’t reach his eyes, in hands that clenched and unclenched with nervous energy, with shoulders that never quite relaxed. In small ways that you wouldn’t see unless you were looking, in ways that made it clear he didn’t want other people to worry about him, that he didn’t want to be a burden. But it didn’t work; it made dan’s heart soar out of him, it made him wish he could transfer all the love he felt in his heart for Phil into something tangible, something he could wrap around him and use to keep him safe. He wanted to take him home and tuck him into bed and watch the worry leave his face as he sunk into dreaming. So that is what he resolved himself to do.  
Phil looked as though he was about to respond to Louise when Dan finally spoke up.  
“Hey, Phil?” he asked, startling the others after his prolonged silence.  
“Yeah?”  
“Let’s go home,” Dan answered, reaching a hand out in Phil’s direction. Phil accepted it gratefully, lacing his fingers through Dan’s.  
“Yeah. Yeah ok,” Phil agreed, and a weight seemed to lift from him.  
Dan realized that in all of this, since the moment their relationship had become something more than casual, and even before that, he had always let Phil take the lead. This little act of making one decision for the both of them seemed to relax Phil, even though it was a small thing. The thought dawned on Dan that maybe, in order to feel better in this instance, he just needed one little thing not to be his responsibility.  
“Bye, you two, don’t burn down the store,” Phil joked to Louise, who rolled her eyes so hard that Dan wondered if they might fall out, and Martyn, who seemed unphased by the statement.  
“Bye,” Dan said, pulling Phil towards the back of the store, then through the break room, snatching up the car keys off the desk before PHil had the chance to grab them.  
“Hey!”  
“Sorry, Philly, not trying to die on the way to your house. If you want to stay awake, you can tell me how to get there, but let’s just get in the car and you can type the address into my phone, yeah?”  
“Yeah, alright,” Phil pouted, but didn’t make an argument. 

 

They left out the back door and hopped into Phil’s car. Phil leaned into the seat with his shoulder, facing Dan.  
“It’s not safe to sit like that,” Dan pointed out, starting the car.  
“Mmm, don’t care about safe, care about looking at you,” Phil mumbled sleepily.  
“I care about safe,” Dan said, but decided not to fight him any further on it. 

 

Dan took one wrong turn but they got there eventually, and even though Dan had never been there before, the moment Phil opened the door, Dan knew he was home.


	26. Chapter 26

“The bed is literally two seconds away,” Dan said, standing over Phil as he lay face down on the couch in the lounge.  
“Are you going to come? I want to stay out here with you if you’re not going to come,” Phil mumbled.  
“Of course, I’ll come with you, what would I even do out here? You haven’t even given me the wifi password,” Dan said, tugging at Phil’s feet trying to get him to stand up, pulling off his socks in the process.  
“Oh, right.” Phil was already half asleep.  
Dan sighed. He doubted he could pick the other man up if that’s what it took to get him into the bedroom, seeing as he was an actual giant, but he could try. He let Phil’s socks drop to the floor and assessed the best way to try and get Phil vertical. He decided that his best move would be to try and lift him up by his arms, but when he tried to wrap his arms around his partner’s torso, Phil began squirming.  
“No, no, no,” he whined. “Tickles, stop,” he continued, slapping at Dan’s hands which had come to rest on his ribs.  
“Better get up then,” deciding maybe tickling was a better idea than actually trying to pick Phil up.  
“This is abuse. End the violence,” Phil complained.  
“Gotta stand up,” Dan reiterated.  
“Fine, dammit,” Phil conceded, still wary of Dan as he stood up even though the tickling had stopped. “Did you lock the door?” Phil asked, rubbing his eyes.  
“Yep,” Dan assured him.  
“Ok, good,” Phil said, seeming relieved, “Let me just do one thing before I go,” Phil said, wandering into the hallway.  
Dan waited a moment before following. 

 

Phil was punching numbers into a box on the wall.  
There were several beeps followed by a tinny voice stating, “System armed.”  
Phil shut the little plastic door that covered the keypad and turned to Dan. “All set,” he smiled. “Time for bed, don’t you think?”  
“I do,” Dan said, but his eyes were fixed on the little alarm box on the wall. Something about it unsettled him. Maybe it was the way that the safety of everything he held dear was dependent upon a plastic box that looked more like a thermostat than a life saver.  
“Hey,” Phil said, calling Dan’s attention back to him. “Let’s go.” 

 

Dan followed Phil down the hall and up a flight of stairs, the thought popping into his head that Phil’s place was a lot bigger than his, much less claustrophobic.  
“You have a nice place by the way,” Dan commented as Phil lead him to the second door at the end of the hall.  
“Thanks,” Phil said, smiling. “It’s a little big for just me,” he added, shooting a glance back at Dan.  
Dan hummed in response, sure that Phil was hinting at something but not wanting to acknowledge it because he wasn’t quite sure he was picking up what Phil was putting down, or the other way around.  
“Probably will move out of it when the lease is up, unless I find a roommate,” he continued, opening the door and revealing his bedroom.  
“Yep,” Dan responded, trying to sound unphased. Instead he chose to focus on Phil’s room. Dan didn’t know what to say except that it looked younger than he expected. His eyes were most drawn to Phil’s bed, which was neatly made, unlike his own, and covered by a bright green and blue duvet. At first, it struck him as odd, but the more he thought about it, the more it struck him that the colors fit Phil. Phil was a green and blue person. He wasn’t exactly sure how to explain it, but he knew it to be true.  
The walls were plain white, but there was enough color in the room to make up for it. And of course, to the surprise of no one, there was what looked to be a fifty gallon fish tank in the corner, filled mostly with coral, a single clownfish seeming to be the only mobile inhabitant.  
“Cool tank,” Dan nodded towards it, entering the room and sitting down on the bed and unlacing his shoes.  
“Thanks,” Phil beamed. “It was meant to be just coral, but I took the clownfish home one night after he got stuck in the pump room.”  
Dan froze, staring at the other man.  
“You sentimental fuck,” he laughed.  
“What?” Phil said blushing.  
“The night you fell in, right?”  
“Well. I mean. I didn’t take him home because yo- I mean. Yeah. The night I fell,” Phil stuttered, shutting the door behind him.  
“You had a crush on me, how embarrassing,” Dan joked, patting the bed next to him, asking Phil to join him.  
“So what if I did, it’s not like I sat around and talked about it for years and bugged your brother about it every waking moment,” Phil shrugged, a mischievous twinkle in his eye. He pulled his shirt over his head and kicked off his shoes rather gracefully for someone who hadn’t slept in god knows how long. He crawled on to the bed next to Dan, but instead of lying down, immediately crawled behind him, lying down with his body flush against Dan’s back.  
“That was uncalled for,” Dan said, reaching out to push Phil’s shoulder.  
“Hey, I’m sleeping,” Phil complained, rolling away from Dan’s hand to the other side of the bed.  
“No, you aren’t, you’re much less annoying when you’re asleep,” Dan replied, lying down in the space Phil had just vacated.  
“That’s my side of the bed,” Phil whined, rolling back towards Dan, pressing into his side as though he could push him off the bed by merely being close to him.  
“Shouldn’t have moved then, finders keepers, losers weepers,” Dan taunted.  
“I guess I’ll just have to stay right here then” Phil mock threatened, nuzzling into Dan’s shoulder.  
”Guess you do,” Dan agreed, making no motion to move. After all that had happened in the jumble of hours that had passed since Carter had started his reign of terror, Dan finally felt safe. He was in a house that couldn’t be broken into without the authorities being alerted, lying in bed with the man he loved, and although the man he loved was a silly and sleepy and barely able to form a coherent thought, contact with him made him feel safer.  
“Dan,” Phil said, looking up at the other man from where his head lay on his shoulder.  
Dan’s heart swelled at the sight of it. He had imagined that a million times, lying in bed, looking down and seeing Phil there smiling back at him, and now that it was real, he didn’t think he would ever get over it. It was like rediscovering something you thought was impossible was real over and over again, like being told your whole life that magic wasn’t real and then experiencing it for the first time only to forget again immediately after, so every time you saw it, it was like seeing it for the first time. It was moments like this that made Dan think that the law of diminishing return didn’t exist, because how could this become any less incredible, and less awe inspiring? It couldn’t.  
“Phil,” Dan replied. He wasn’t really sure what Phil was on about at the moment, but he felt like maybe he was experiencing a little bit of what he was, but it probably made less sense in his exhausted state. Maybe he, too, was just checking to make sure that Dan was real. Dan couldn’t imagine Phil feeling the same way, but for a moment, he would let himself imagine he did.  
Phil’s eyes fluttered shut, a slow smile spreading across his lips at the sound of his own name. Dan carded his fingers through Phil’s hair, studying his face as he relaxed, clearly slipping into sleep. He pressed a kiss on the top of Phil’s head and closed his own eyes.  
Although he had slept all day, he still felt exhausted. He supposed he hadn’t really slept well anyway, sitting in a desk chair leaning on a table like that for so long. He thought maybe he would rest his eyes for a while but not really sleep. He closed his eyes and focused on Phil’s breathing, how it slowed as he drifted off. He couldn’t help but try to match other man’s pace with his own, finding himself in an in between place, only really aware of the man in his arms and bed beneath him, his mind quiet, completely at peace. He could get used to this, he decided.

 

\\\\\\\

 

Dan was vaguely aware of the buzzing that had been going on for the past few minutes, but he didn’t think much of it.  
He was vaguely aware that the light was different than it had been when they had first lay down. It wasn’t the dusky light of twilight that he had expected, but rather a more yellowy light. Morning. The buzzing stopped, but he still didn’t quite process what it could have possibly meant. Instead, he tried to orient himself. He wasn’t alone, he was in a room he recognized but he wasn’t sure where from. When he saw the fish tank in the corner, it finally clicked. He was at Phil’s. He had never intended to fall asleep when they got home from work last night, but apparently he did. Phil was still sleep besides him, breathing in a way that wasn’t quite snoring but was definitely heavier than he normally breathed when he slept.  
“You really are tired,” Dan whispered to the other man, his voice raspy with disuse.  
The buzzing resumed again, coming from the bedside table and Dan’s brain processed what it was: the phone. Phil’s phone, Martyn’s name lighting up the screen. Dan picked it up.  
“Hey, sorry, just woke up,” he said, his voice hushed, sitting up in bed, trying to put distance between himself and Phil, his voice sounding far too loud in the still of the morning.  
“Dan?”  
“Yeah.”  
“I have a quick inventory question for you,” Martyn said, though his voice sounded far more urgent for him only to be worried about inventory related.  
“Shoot,” Dan said, standing up and pacing to Phil’s bedroom door, turning back to face the bed. Phil shifted in his sleep, stretching out his body so he took up far more than his fair share of mattress. Dan smirked at him.  
“Did you guys sell Socks yesterday and forget to mark it down?” Martyn asked.  
“No?” Dan answered, confused. “Why didn’t you call last night when you closed and saw he wasn’t there?”  
“Well, I don’t remember him not being there last night when he closed, which is why I’m calling, just to double check with you that I am not going crazy.”  
“No, he was there when we left as far as I know, but I can’t really be sure, I wasn’t really present for most of the business yesterday. But I can’t imagine anyone taking him. Other than Louise when she eventually decides she has to,” Dan replied. “Do you want me to wake Phil and ask?”  
“No, no don’t worry about it. He must be in the store somewhere, he must of gotten out of his cage last ni-”

 

Martyn was interrupted by a blood curdling scream.  
“Lou? Louise? Are you ok?” he heard Martyn yell before he heard a clatter that he assumed was the phone clattering to the floor.  
There was some indecipherable noises that made Dan’s heart pound, but he resisted calling out to his friends on the other end of line just so he could hear if something happened.  
“What? What is it?” he heard Martyn say, his voice much farther away now.  
“I don’t think Socks got out on his own,” Louise said, her voice clearly shaken. “Look at this.”  
“Shit.” 

 

Dan heard footsteps getting closer to the phone and some commotion as someone picked it up.  
“Wake Phil, please, Dan,” Martyn said on the other end.  
“What’s wrong?”  
“There’s a note.”  
“From him?”  
“I can’t see who else,” Martyn confirmed.  
Dan froze. There was a life truly in danger now and he didn’t know what to do. He felt as though he couldn’t move, couldn’t think, couldn’t speak.  
“Dan. Wake Phil. Please.”


	27. Chapter 27

“Phil, babe,” Dan said, the phone still pressed to his ear, his other hand on Phil’s cheek, trying to gently rouse him. 

“Mmm, yeah?” Phil mumbled, not quite waking up. 

“Martyn’s on the phone,” Dan told him. 

“Tell Martyn to fuck off, I’m sleeping,” Phil replied, taking Dan’s hand in his own and pressing it to his lips. 

“I think it’s an emergency,” Dan continued. 

“Damn right its an emergency,” Martyn confirmed in his ear, though Phil could not hear him. 

Phil groaned in protest. “This is the last thing I needed the first thing this morning.” 

He held his hand out to the receive the phone anyway. 

 

‘What do you want?” he asked. “No it’s not on speaker.” 

He took the phone away from his ear and set it on the bed, pressing the speaker icon. 

“Okay, now we’re both here. What’s the emergency, Martyn?” 

Dan wasn’t sure if Phil was only pretending to be annoyed to mask fear or if he was genuinely just grumpy from waking up, but he had a hunch it was the first one. 

“Well, for start Socks is gone,” Martyn began. 

“Tell his about the note,” Dan could hear Louise whisper. 

“I will if you shut up,”Martyn hissed back. 

“There’s a note?” Phil asked, sitting up in the bed, more alert than he had previously been.

“Yes, well, I was getting to that,” Martyn assured him. “Socks is gone and there is a note where he should have been.”   
“And the note said?” Dan asked, his stomach twisting at the anticipation. 

“ _ Poor little kitty. I know what it’s like to be unwanted. Let’s see how much you love him now that he’s gone. Is he really everything you dreamed about? Is he really that much better than me? _ ” Martyn read, his voice monotone. “At first he lost me at the end there, but then I realized he wasn’t talking about Socks. Phil, I think you need to get Dan out of here. Like far away from here. Cash in some of that vacation time you have saved up. I can man the ship.” 

“I…” Phil started, pushing his hair back from his forehead. He grabbed his glasses from the bedside table and put them on. 

“Don’t say you can’t, Phil. This is more important than the store,” Martyn interjected. 

“Fuck, Martyn, I wasn’t going to say that. I was going to say you’re right,” Phil spat, and Dan thought that this might be the first time he had ever seen Phil get his feelings hurt. His expression looked close to anger, but there was something softer in his eyes then there had been when he first heard that Carter was contacting Dan. That look was truly anger, sheer rage in fact. This looked softer, more wounded, than that had. “You don’t have to tell me what’s important, I already know,” he added under his breath.

“Just. Do your shift tonight, rent a car that he won’t recognize and get the hell out of here. I don’t know where you can go, but make it far away from here,” Martyn said. 

“We’ll discuss and let you know where we decide to go once we know, alright?” 

“Ok. Do you want me to call Mum and let her know why you and Dan won’t be clocking in the next few days? She’s sure to notice when she does payroll. I can do it while you two decide where to go and then you can give me a call and I will fill her in on the rest?” Martyn suggested. 

“That would… be good. I don’t really know if I have it in me to rehash this all to Mum right now. Or anyone for that matter. I kind of have been keeping her in the dark on this, so she doesn’t know anything. At all. I didn’t want her to worry. I figured she wouldn’t have to know because I thought this would all blow over when Carter realized there was nothing he could do, but I figured wrong. And now she’ll just be cross with me for not telling her earlier. So I guess… I would rather her be cross with me through you,” Phil rambled, fidgeting with the edge of the duvet as he spoke. 

Dan found himself wondering, perhaps a bit selfishly, what exactly “anything” meant. Did she just not know about Carter, or did she not know about anything that had happened between Phil and him at all? He supposed it would be fine if she didn’t, it was not as though Phil did not have a very good reason to keep it under wraps, but all the same, he hoped it was the former. 

“Thank you,” Phil continued, “for being so helpful with all of this. You really don’t have to be.” 

“Of course, I do. You’re family,” Martyn said, pausing before adding, “He is, too.” 

Phil’s eyes flitted up to meet Dan’s, a tired smile spreading across his face. 

“I know he is. I think he knows he is, too,” Phil said. 

Dan felt tears welling up in his eyes, blinking them back quickly and looking away. 

“I’ll tell you once we have something figured out. Text me once you’ve gotten a hold of Mum,” Phil said, 

“Will do,” Martyn replied before the line went dead. 

 

“So…” Dan began awkwardly. 

“So we need to go somewhere. I would have hoped our first holiday together would be more romantic, but where would you like to go?” Phil asked. 

Dan was silent. Questions like this were fun when they’re hypothetical, truth or dare questions at parties and stuff, but now, when it was real, he couldn’t think of a single god damn place he wanted to go. 

“W-where do you want to go?” Dan stuttered, sitting back down on the bed. “I can’t think of anywhere. I’ve literally forgotten the name of every city in the entire world.” 

“Well, luckily, you don’t need to remember the names of every city in the entire world.. Just a few that are in close enough vicinity for us to drive to. Or maybe take a train to?” Phil suggested. “I suppose a train would be harder to follow,” he added, mostly for the benefit of his own thought process. “I would even suggest that we go to the US or something and hit up DisneyWorld, but that just seems too short of notice don’t you think? The sooner we leave the better.” 

“Right,” Dan said, although the US did sound tempting. “So let’s start somewhere a little closer. I think London is out of the question.” 

“I think you’re right. We could go to the Isle of Mann?” Phil suggested. 

“I would say yes but I feel like I would feel trapped if he were to also appear there,” Dan postulated. 

“Alright, so we stick to something attached to the mainland. Or at least something that is a mainland in itself then,” Phil agreed. 

“Brighton?” Dan asked. 

“I could do Brighton,” Phil agreed. ‘We could go to a bed and breakfast or something. We could make pretend it was a getaway if we don’t think too much about all of… this,” Phil gestured at the air. 

“Right,” Dan said, forcing a smile, but letting it fall after only a few milliseconds. He sighed. “I’m sorry. I just. I can’t pretend to be excited about this right now. Maybe once we’re there and I know he isn’t lying in wait somewhere behind the corner, I’ll feel excited about it. I promise I’ll try,” he finished half heartedly. 

“I’m sorry, Dan,” Phil said, almost a whisper. “I should have warned you what you were signing up for before we got this far.” 

“Phil,” Dan said, taking his hands in his own. “There’s no way you could have possibly known it would come to this-” 

“I know him, Dan, I should have known something would-” 

“No. This isn’t your fault. There’s no way you would have known that we would have run into him in London. There was no way for you to predict he would have reacted this way. And even if you had, and even if you had warned me, you know where I would be?” 

Phil shook his head in the negative. 

“Right here. Sitting right here planning our great escape from your stalker ex. Do you think I’d wait this long to have you notice me and walk away over something like this?” Dan laughed. 

“It’s a pretty big Something,” Phil argued. “I wouldn’t blame you if it was too much. Not that I want you to think it is. I just would understand if you want something simpler.” 

“Never. I would never want anything other than this, and if this means Carter, then it means Carter. But he can’t keep it up forever, Phil, he’ll have to see there’s no point because you’re not going to be won back and I’m not going to be scared away.  Ever. Period, end of story. So let’s tell Martyn we’re going to Brighton, I’ll dip into my life’s savings and you dip into yours and we’ll pretend it’s some spontaneous holiday that’s part of a whirlwind romance and we’ll come back and hopefully he will have someone else to hold his attention by then,” Dan finished, picking Phil’s phone up off the bed and handing it back to him, urging him to phone his brother back.

“Ok. Ok, we can do that. How long do we even go for? A few days? A week?” Phil asked, unlocking the screen.. 

“How ever long Martyn is willing to hold down fort,” Dan decided. 

“Right,” Phil nodded and dialed his brother’s number. 

 

“Hey, Martyn, I think we’re going to go to Brighton. We were thinking that maybe taking the train would be harder to follow than renting a car, don’t you think? You don’t have to give us a ride, Martyn, we can get an Uber or something.  Well, I don’t think we really have the luxury of being picky, I think we just need to get out of here however we can. Did you talk to Mum?” There was a long pause. “Ok good. And she isn’t mad? I don’t know, for me bringing Carter into our lives in the first place or something. I just feel somehow at fault here.’ There was another pause, and Dan could hear that Martyn had raised his voice this time around, clearly not happy with something that Phil had said. “Of course, of course, I know it’s not, but I can’t help but feel like if I had done something differently..” 

Phil shook his head at whatever Martyn was saying on the other end. Dan had a feeling he was being berated for thinking that any part of this was his fault to begin with. It hurt Dan to hear him think that way, but he knew that he couldn’t convince him of otherwise in one night. He had all the time in the world to do that once he was safe.  

“Listen,” Phil said, cutting off the never ending stream of Martyn’s voice that filtered through the speaker. “Let’s talk about this later ok? Not when we’re right in the middle of it all. Ok. Ok, I’ll call her. You’re sure she’s not mad?” 

 

Apparently Martyn said no because Phil was off the phone with him and on the phone with Mrs. Lester within a matter of seconds. 

“Hey, Mum,” Phil said, sounding all to chipper for the mood of the moment. 

“Yes, we’re ok,” he said, rolling his eyes at his mum’s response. He slipped a hand over the receiver and held it out towards Dan. “She want’s to hear you say we’re ok so she knows I’m not lying.” 

“Oh,” Dan chuckled, letting Phil hold the phone to his ear. “Hi Mrs. Lester, how are you?” 

“Hello, Dan love, you really are okay aren’t you? I know Phil likes to downplay things so I don’t get too worried,” Mrs. Lester asked, the concern in her voice clear. 

“I’d say other than a being a little bit flustered, we’re doing okay. Given the situation.” 

“Right. Given the situation,” Mrs. Lester repeated. 

“Um, I’m gonna give you back to Phil now,” Dan replied, unsure of what else there was for him to say. 

Phil promptly returned the phone to his own ear. ‘See, Mum, we’re fine.” 

He listened to his mum speak for a moment, his brow furrowing at whatever she had said. “Right now?” he asked, looking at the time displayed on the alarm clock next to the bed. “I mean we can, but we have to be at the shop this afternoon, we’re closing. I know you only meant for a little bit, I just wanted to let you know. Ok. Well give us like thirty minutes to get dressed. We’ll be there soon,” Phil said before hanging up again. 

“Um? We’ll be there soon?” Dan asked, completely bewildered. 

“Mum wants us to come over,” Phil shrugged. 

‘Right now?” Dan asked, parroting Phil’s own words from moments earlier. 

“She’s just worried about us, Dan. She would rather see us and know for herself that we’re ok,” Phil said, getting out of bed the first time since he had woken up that morning. 

“Isn’t it a little early for meet the parents?” Dan asked, his stomach flip flopping at the thought. 

“You’ve literally known my mum for years now, Dan, what the hell are you even talking about?” Phil said, looking at him in bewilderment. 

“Yeah, I mean, I’ve known her as Dan, Pet Castle employee, not Dan, Pet Castle employee and boyfriend of her youngest child,” Dan sputtered, waving his hands as if that somehow indicated the gravity of this situation to Phil. 

“But you still know her,” Phil said, shaking his head. 

“Yes, but now I have this whole new context in her life,” Dan explained further. 

“She loved you before, she’ll love you now. She wouldn’t have asked us to come over if she didn’t love you. Leave him for dead, Phil, let Carter have his way is what she would have said if she didn’t like you,” Phil laughed. 

Dan pouted in response. 

“Hey,” Phil said, “She’ll still like you even with your new context.”

Dan smiled at him, even though he had used air quotes when saying the word context, which he didn’t particularly appreciate. His point was completely valid and unworthy of air quotes. 

“Hell, she might even like you more once she sees just how much I like you,” Phil added.  “That being said, we need to get ready, so who’s showering first, you or me or b-”

Dan cut him off before Phil could even suggest what Dan thought he was about to suggest. “I’ll go first, I’ll go first,” he said frantically, his face surely flushing. 

“Okay, okay, you’re the boss. Well, actually, I am, but only when you’re on the clock,” Phil winked. 

“Actually shut up,” Dan replied, hurrying towards the door. “Bathroom?” he asked, realizing he hadn’t even really seen the rest of Phil’s flat. 

“End of the hall,” Phil assured him. “Towels under the sink.”

“Thank you,” Dan said, happy to have a few moments by himself so he could properly freak out about all the information he had just absorbed. 

He sighed as he turned on the water, wondering how it could possible have gotten this bad. 

  
  


*****

 

They stood on the pavement just in front of the Lester family home. Dan’s heart was pounding with anticipation. The last thing he wanted to do was go up there and discuss the situation with Phil’s mum, but he knew he had to. 

“You ready to go in?” Phil asked, holding his hand out to Dan. 

“Do I have the option to say no?” 

“Not really,” Phil smiled at him apologetically. 

“Then I guess my answer is yes,” Dan shrugged, swallowing the lump in his throat. 

 

Mrs. Lester was happy to see them as always, but Dan could feel the motherly worry in her gaze the moment her eyes set upon him. 

“You boys doing alright?” she asked, leading them into the kitchen. 

“Yeah, Mum, I told you we’re alright,” Phil huffed, rolling his eyes at Dan. 

Dan scowled at him. He appreciated that Mrs. Lester was worried for them, but Phil seemed annoyed about it before she even had the chance to speak. Dan supposed Carter was probably an over debated subject with his family at this point, though, so maybe he was judging Phil’s reaction too harshly. 

“We’re okay, Mrs. Lester, really, thank you for asking,” Dan smiled at her sunnily. 

“Please, Dan, Mrs. Lester? Mum will do just fine,” Mrs. Lester replied, reaching out to pat his shoulder. 

“You never let my other significant others call you mum,” Phil raised his eyebrows. 

“Never liked them much, now did I? Already know Dan’s got a good head on his shoulders, maybe better than yours,” Mrs. Lester pointed out. 

“I don’t know about that,” Dan said, smiling at her. “But thank you for saying so.” 

“See look at him, humble even,” Mrs. Lester beamed. “Sit, sit,” she said to the boys, motioning at the chairs that surrounded the breakfast table. “So” she continued, once they were settled. “Brighton?” 

“We thought it was good. Far enough for us to be hard to find, so we are hoping he won’t try,” Phil shrugged, seeming significantly more calm about the whole situation than he had been at his place earlier that morning. Dan’s heart panged at the interaction. Phil really didn’t want to cause his mother any worry. 

“Ok. That is a good reason,” Mrs. Lester nodded. “May I suggest something though?” 

“What’s that?” Phil asked. 

“Well, I think it would be best if you two don’t advertise where you are going. Don’t post about it on online, maybe even tell people outside the family that you’re going somewhere else. Dublin. Glasgow. Somewhere completely in the opposite direction so it will send him off your trail if he, I don’t know, gets alarmed and decides to chase after you. Make him think anything that would cause him to escalate if he found out,” Mrs. Lester explained. “I think that’s even what we could tell the employees. Apart from Martyn, of course, and I assume Louise already knows because you four can’t seem to keep your mouths shut when it comes to keeping things from each other.” 

“That sounds really smart,’ Dan agreed, turning to Phil to gauge his expression.

“I… I think you’re right, Mum,” he agreed. “I’m…. Mum, I’m sorry it ever got this bad. That this is something you have to worry about. I didn’t know when… I guess I knew he wasn’t a great person after a little bit, but I never thought this.” Phil said, turning his gaze to the floor. 

“Phil, there was no way you could have known. I never even realized he was this much of a scumbag, there is no reason to beat yourself up for this,” Mrs. Lester comforted. 

Phil shook his head, not looking his mother in the face. “I just… I need to go to the bathroom really quick, please excuse me,” He said, quickly standing up and heading out of the room. 

They both watched as Phil left the room, Dan wanting desperately to follow after him. 

“Just let him have a moment to collect himself,” Mrs. Lester said softly, as though reading his mind. “I don’t know why he feel the need to play stoic and tough to you all, but that boy… He feels everything quite deeply. But isn’t that the way it always is? Tough on the outside, big softy on the inside. But you knew that, didn’t you?” 

“Well, I figured it out in the past few days, but not before no,” Dan said, smiling sadly. “It’s nice to know he feels like a normal human, I just wish I found that out through better circumstances.”    
“Oh, I think you always knew in your heart, dear,” Mrs. Lester chuckled. “I mean, I saw the way you looked at him. No one would look at someone like that if they thought the Phil that he projects at work was the real Phil.” 

“You mean you knew this whole time?” 

“Dan, darling, Phil was the only one who didn’t know, I thought you knew that. But know I’ve been rooting for you,” Mrs. Lester added, reaching out and squeezing Dan’s shoulder affectionately. 

Phil came back out from the bathroom, the rims of his eyes looking pinker than they had when they left, but he appeared more or less composed. 

 

“Stay for lunch, won’t you, dear?” Mrs. Lester asked, smiling at her son. “And don’t say you can’t because of work because I know the management schedule- hell I  _ invented  _ the management schedule-  and you have time. “ 

“Ok, ok,” Phil nodded, waving a hand at his mother, walking across the kitchen and standing behind Dan’s chair, wrapping his arms around the younger man’s shoulders. Dan placed a hand on Phil’s forearm and pulled him closer. 

“We’d love to stay, Mrs- Mum.” Dan corrected himself and Mrs. Lester smiled at him sunnily. 

“That’s that, then. You boys watch tv or something. Watch a movie, I don’t know. Just stop thinking for a bit, yeah? Nothing will come of worrying,” she said, pointing at Phil to emphasis her last remark. 

 

Dan chuckled as Mrs. Lester left the room, causing Phil to look down at him in confusion. 

“What?” Phil asked, raising an eyebrow. 

“It’s just… It’s funny because normally I am the one being told I worry too much,” Dan said. “Come on, let’s get to that movie. You have anything good here?” 

“I think I have some old DVDs in the living room,” Phil shrugged. ‘Can’t promise they’ll be good.” 

“Well, just put on something funny and we’ll go from there, yeah?” 

“Yeah, ok,” Phil nodded. 

  
And in the calmness of the Lester family home, distracted by the will they? Won’t they? story line of When Harry Met Sally, Dan felt as though this would really all work out for the better. 


	28. Chapter 28

“Call me if you need anything,” Louise said, packing up her back in the office. 

“Or me. Probably better to call me,” Martyn added. 

“Or call either fucking one of you because Louise is staying at your place and will probably make you put us on speaker phone so she can hear anyway,” Dan responded, dropping his keys onto the space on the desk that Louise’s things had recently vacated. 

“You know, Mum said Louise could stay up there with them if you wanted to have your house back,” Phil added. 

“What, and me stay alone to get murdered by your psycho ex without a witness around? Thanks but no thanks,” Martyn huffed. 

“You know, you could just say you like having me around,” Louise said, scowling at Martyn. 

“Yeah, but then I’d be lying,”  Martyn answered. 

“Ok, ok, you shut up and leave please thank you,” Dan said, pushing Louise towards the door. “You two give me anxiety with all the bickering.” 

“I think it’s the only way they know how to communicate,” Phil sighed. “Listen, I doubt anything will happen, but I will call you if it does.” 

“That’s all I wanted to hear,” Martyn said. “Did you book your train tickets?”  

“Yeah, Mum took care of them, even though I told her I could do it myself when I got home tonight,” Phil said. “I wrote her a check, but I have a feeling she tore it up when I left.” 

“That woman is an absolute angel,” Dan said, shaking his head. 

“I know,” Martyn smiled. “Alright, well, we’re off.” 

 

They left and Dan and Phil were left to look after the store for the rest of the night. It wasn’t particularly busy that night, which normally Dan wouldn’t particularly mind because it left him with more time to find excuses to interact with Phil, but now he didn’t need an excuse and he could really go for a distraction that didn’t lead his brain back to the subject of Carter. He was sat on the floor in the dry good section arranging the aquarium pebbles in rainbow order, then unarranging them so he could fix them again. 

Phil was in the office doing paper work, or maybe only attempting to do paperwork. He seemed distracted, but Dan felt that was justified. 

Dan moved on from the pebbles over to the cash wrap and started organizing the drawer with all the office supplies. He was collecting up paper clips and placing them one by one in a little tin holder when Phil’s voice over the walkie made him jump. 

“Dan?” 

Dan scrambled to pick up the walkie on the other side of the cash wrap, fumbling with it and dropping it on the floor. 

“Babe?” Phil’s voice crackled over the walkie again.

“Yeah, I’m here, what’s up?” 

“You want to start on counting today’s deposit?” 

“Yeah, sure, ok,” Dan agreed. It was something to do and Dan wasn’t going to take it for granted. They only had about half an hour until the store was closed to the public anyway and he didn’t imagine they would have many customers coming in to get an evening treat for their dog. 

Dan pulled out a deposit bag, talking to himself as he filled out the front of the bag. 

“Prepared by… Dan Howell,” he said quietly as he wrote his name in the box. “Deposited by Phiiil Lester….” 

The phone began ringing. Dan eyed it suspiciously, praying it wasn’t a customer asking them if they had something and then telling them not to close until they got their to pick it up. That was the worst kind of phone call. 

“Hello, thank you for calling Pet Castle, this is Dan, how may I assist you?” Dan said impossibly quickly, having the little speech down pat from years of practice. 

“The beginning knows the end when he see’s it,” a deep voice spoke softly, unsettlingly calm. 

“Pardon me?” Dan said, the hair on the back of his neck prickling. He knew who it was but he didn’t quite know what else to say. 

“If I let him keep you, it’s over, Dan.” 

“What’s over? You and him? We’ve been over this, Carter, it’s been over between you for a long time,” Dan said darkly, feeling like a broken record. 

“No. That’s not what I mean, Dan. You’re where it ends. All of it. You’re where he stops looking,” Carter continued. 

 

Dan eyed the walkie talkie on the counter and wondered if he should tell Phil. It seemed like too much of a risk to say something outloud, so Carter could hear. Dan worried he would hang up, and in all honesty, he had peaked his interest. 

“Stops looking for what?” 

“Anyone else. I always thought that whole “you can see the love in someone’s eyes when they look at their significant others” deal was bullshit. I thought everyone was just trying to find something to else in this world to romanticize. Until I saw Phil look at you,” Carter’s voice sounded strained. “He has this light in his eyes when he’s looking at you. It was there the first day I ever saw you with him in the restaurant. That’s why I was so… unpleasant with you at the expo hall. I knew you were different. He never looked at anyone that way. Not even me, not even in the beginning.” 

Dan was silent, unsure of what to say, unsure of what he was even hearing. He reached into his pocket for his phone, his fingers hesitating to unlock it. He did, opening his messages with Phil, but then he paused. He heard the door that lead to the back squeak open and shut. 

“If he has you, he’ll never come back to me again. We’re like two bookends, Howell.  We represent the open and close of this man’s love life, this man’s search for the perfect partner. I wanted to be the beginning and the end. But as long as you’re here, as long as you love him, that just won’t happen. It’s impossible.” 

 

“Who are you talking to?” Phil asked quietly. 

Dan held up his finger, signalling he would tell him in a moment.

“I can give you a hundred other reasons why that would be impossible, namely being that you have shown over and over again, even now with this phone call, what kind of person you are, and I know that even if he didn’t want to be with me, he wouldn’t want to be with someone like you. As for me, I’m not leaving him. It just isn’t happening. You can’t scare me away. Anyway, you’re the one that seemed so adamant that I would never be enough for him. What happened to all that “he’ll break your heart, he loves the store” stuff?” 

 

“Is that him?” Phil whispered, his voice hoarse and his eyes wide. 

 

Dan nodded. 

 

“Hang up,” Phil whispered, reaching out in attempt to get the phone from Dan’s hand. 

 

_ Wait.  _ Dan mouthed, shooting Phil a stern glance. 

 

“I told you. I said all that because I knew…. It wasn’t true. That the only way he would ever not be with you would be if  _ you  _ left. And I read you as the type of person who likes to hurt people before they have the chance to hurt you. I guess I was wrong,” Carter sighed. “I wish you wouldn’t have made me take it this far, Daniel. I won’t hurt the cat. I just felt that I understood him. No one wants me either.” 

 

“I didn’t  _ make  _ you do anything, Carter, this is  _ you _ not being able to let this go,” Dan practically seethed. “Don’t call here again. Bring Socks back and then leave us alone.”  

Dan pressed the end call button and slammed the receiver into the cradle. 

 

“What did he say?” Phil asked solemnly, eyeing the door from where he stood at the cashwrap. 

“That I shouldn’t have pushed him this far.”

“Pushed him how far? Pushed him to do what?” Phil asked, somewhat frantically. 

“I-I don’t know,” Dan stuttered, the gravity of the conversation he had just had finally hitting him. His eyes widened as he realized something else. “Phil, I told him to bring Socks back. What if he comes tonight? I don’t want…. I can’t see him right now.” 

“You won’t.” Phil said firmly. “You won’t have to. I will make sure of it.”

 

Phil walked with determination towards the front doors and shut them, latching the deadbolt immediately. 

“It’s not time yet, babe,” Dan protested, looking at the clock on his phone. 

“Well, I decided that it is,” Phil said. ‘Family emergency. Anyway, if you come to a store fifteen minutes before closing, I guess you run the risk of them having closed early. I’ll finish the deposit, you feed the animals. I want to be out of here within the hour, if possible.” 

 

Dan nodded, hurrying towards the back where they kept the food. He had wondered if maybe they were being irresponsible, dropping so much money on tickets just because they wanted to leave so quickly, but now it seemed the departure of their flight could not happen soon enough. 

 

***

“Good thing you didn’t unpack,” Phil laughed humorlessly as they entered his flat, where they were immediately greeted by Dan’s bags. He kicked off his shoes and hurried to his bedroom, arming the alarm as he passed the panel in the hall. 

Dan followed him, unsure of what else to do at this point. Being in the front room alone felt unsettling. He hated that. He hated feeling unsafe, when, logically, he knew he was fine to sit in the lounge on his own if he wanted to. But having Phil within eye shot made him feel a little more at ease. Having anyone within eyeshot made him feel at ease, he supposed, as long as it wasn’t Carter. 

“I’m going to pack,” Phil said when Dan finally trailed into the room behind him. 

“Do you want my help?” Dan asked, genuinely hoping Phil would say yes just so he could have something to do, something to distract him. 

“No, it’s ok, I can manage,” Phil assured him. Dan deflated a little. “Keep me company though, yeah?” Phil added, as though he sensed Dan’s need not to be alone, or perhaps shared it. 

“Yeah, alright,” Dan agreed, smiling at the other man. 

Phil reached over to him, his hands coming to rest at Dan’s waist, closing the space between them. Dan’s heart skipped as Phil leaned in to bring their lips together in what felt like a million years. 

“I missed you,” Dan murmured against Phil’s lips. 

“I’ve been right here all day,” Phil smiled, placing a hand on Dan’s cheek and kissing him again, deeper this time. 

“I missed kissing you,” Dan elaborated. 

“I knew what you meant,” Phil chuckled at him. “I just wanted to hear you say it.” 

Dan scowled at him, but caught his mouth in another kiss all the same. 

“I missed you, too, by the way,” Phil added when he pulled away again. 

“Then get done packing soon so you can pay attention to me,” Dan teased, plopping down on Phil’s bed, getting comfy. 

  
He watched Phil pack for a while, accompanied by some instrumental music Phil was playing from his phone, and when he got bored of that, he pulled a book from Phil’s shelf and leafed through it. He could almost pretend that they were just a regular couple getting ready for a regular holiday, not some great escape. Almost. But under it all, he knew the sooner they left, the better. 


	29. Chapter 29

Dan didn’t remember falling asleep the night before, but it must not have been earlier enough, because then alarm going off on Phil’s phone was painfully unwelcome. Also he was still in his jeans, which prompted him to think that he must have fallen asleep while he waited for Phil to pack. His shirt was off though, so maybe he had fallen asleep in the middle of trying to get ready for bed. 

 

Phil groaned and shut off the alarm. 

“Why did we decide to leave so early today?” Phil asked turning into Phil and burrowing into face into Dan’s chest. 

Dan wrapped his arm around his boyfriend. “Maybe because our life is crazy and we are literally on the run?” he said. 

Phil’s breath tickled Dan’s skin as he laughed against him. “Oh, that’s right. I forgot about that. Which is kind of nice. Even if it was only for a minute. You know what else is nice?” 

“What?” Dan asked, kissing the top of Phil’s head. 

“That you said ‘our life,” Phil said, kissing Dan’s chest and sitting up. “Let’s go. We have a train to catch, don’t we?” 

Dan froze for a moment, processing what Phil had just said to him. “You’re just going to point that out to me and just go on like you didn’t?” 

“Yup. I think that is part of  _ our life _ now,” Phil said, pulling off his t-shirt and throwing it on the ground. 

“You’re just going to leave that there?” Dan asked. 

“Why not?” Phil asked, dropping his pajama pants in the same place. “Maybe the house should look like we haven’t left for more than a day or so should he… you know. Get in.” The smile faded from Phil’s face. 

“Sounds good,” Dan said, getting out of bed to get ready himself. 

 

Phil’s phone buzzed with a text message notification. 

 

“Ugh,” Phil said, picking up his phone to read the message. 

‘Who is it?” Dan asked, his pulse quickening.  _ Please don’t say Carter. _

“Martyn,” he said. Dan let go of the breath that he didn’t realize he was holding. 

“What does he want?” 

“He wants to know if we’re sure we don’t want a ride instead of an uber because he thinks, and I quote, that ‘Carter could roll up in some Scooby Doo villain disguise and hold you hostage if you call an Uber,” Phil said, a smile playing on his lips. 

“I mean, he isn’t wrong. We could just humor him and let him drive us? That’s the best way to let have him drop it, don’t you think?” Dan asked, not wanting to have to get three million text messages from Martyn over the next hour asking him to try and convince Phil otherwise. 

“I don’t want to be a burden,” Phil shrugged on a new shirt from his drawer, one of the few he decided not to pack for their trip. 

“He wouldn’t offer if he really didn’t mean it. Martyn isn’t like that, you know that,” Dan persuaded. 

“I know,” Phil sighed. “You know, Louise will want to come to,” Phil added. 

“It’s just to the train station, I am sure we will all survive,” Dan assured him. “Stop looking for reasons why we shouldn’t and just let your brother give us a damn ride.” 

“Fine, fine, fine,” Phil sighed. “I’ll tell him to be here in half an hour. Does that give you enough time?” 

“What, it’s not like I take four thousand years to get ready,” Dan said, his offense only half fake. 

“You do if you straighten your hair,” Phil said, reaching out to ruffle Dan’s hair. 

Dan swatted his hand away. “Well, I’m not today. My straighteners are packed up and I don’t want to pack them again, so you’re just going to have to live with me looking like this,” Dan finished, sticking his tongue out at the older man. 

“Good,” Phil decided, giving him a once over. “I like it.” 

“Why?” 

“I guess because I don’t get to see it like that that often and I think it’s cute, that’s allowed, isn’t it?” Phil asked, wrapping one of the curls close t Dan’s forehead around his finger. “I think this one in particular is wonderful.” 

“Yeah, alright, stop flattering me and get ready, Martyn will absolutely murder us if he comes here to find us half dressed,” Dan urged him. 

 

Phil pouted but conceded. “To be fair, you are the only one half undressed,’ he pointed out, raising his eyebrows at Dan before leaving the bedroom to go brush his teeth, Dan presumed. 

 

Dan eyed the bags on the floor, Phil’s neatly besides his own, which was still half open from getting his clothes out, and sighed for what felt like the thousandth time in the past few weeks. 

 

“This is it, isn’t it, Dan?” he whispered to himself. But he felt it in his bones that it would be over soon. He wasn’t sure what that meant, and he wasn’t sure how it would happen, but he felt in his gut that Carter wouldn’t be his problem for much longer. He hoped he wouldn’t be Phil’s either. 

 

*****

“You certain no one followed us?” Martyn asked, parking in the car park of the train station. 

“I’m more than certain. If someone was following us, they were invisible, Martyn,” Phil huffed. “It’s too early for traffic, it’s not like I wouldn’t be able to see him in a car, and he can’t walk fast enough to follow us.” 

“Ok, as long as you’re sure,” Martyn said, the relief evident in his voice. 

“You know what I do know?” Phil asked, sounding quite a bit annoyed. 

“What?” Lou asked from her place in the back seat, where she sat with her legs curled up onto the seat behind her and her head resting against the window, her eyes barely open. Dan and marked her down as dead to the world for the time being. 

“That if we sit around here and he was walking or something, we are giving him a better chance at catching up. So I think it’s best if we head in and you head out, yeah?” Phil replied, reaching out to pat Martyn on the shoulder. “Thank you, for driving us, for everything, especially the part where you throw him off our tail by driving away from here as quickly as possible so he doesn’t know we’re here.” 

“You’re welcome,” Martyn chuckled. 

 

Dan turned to where Lou was sat next to him. “Stay safe,” he said, nudging her. 

“I’m more worried about you than I am about me,” she replied, her speech slurred with sleep. 

“Well, humor me and say you will, yeah?” Dan smiled at her. 

“I will,” Louise smiled back. “And if someone asks me where you are, I’ll just say you’re sck at home or something,” she added. “Or ‘sick” at Phil’s shacking up with him or something.” 

“The last one does make me sound a mite cooler, don’t you think?” 

“I think I’ll go with that one, then,” Louise decided, kicking at Dan with her foot. “See you in better times, yeah? Call me. Everyday. Twice a day.” 

“Alright, alright,” Dan said, grabbing the offending foot and pushing it away from him. 

“Three times a day,” Louise countered. 

“You’ll be lucky to get two,” Dan warned her. 

“Then I will take my two,” Louise said. “Miss you already.” 

“I know you do,” Dan laughed. 

“Alright, you ready to go, Dan, or do I have to pry you two apart with a crowbar?” Martyn asked, eyeing them in the rearview mirror. 

“Oi, we’re done,” Dan said, sticking his tongue out at Martyn in the reflection. 

 

Dan and Phil grabbed their bags and waved at the car once more as it drove away, hurrying out of the cold morning air and into the train station shortly after. 

They found the line for the six thirty to Brighton and waiting there, having been about fifteen minutes until the train came and went. 

 

“I don’t think that I’m looking forward to the longest train ride of my life,” Dan complained, setting his bag next to his feet. 

“Not even when it’s with your favorite person?” Phil said, feigning offense. 

“I’d rather be sleeping, to be honest,” Dan said, bumping his shoulder into Phil’s. 

“Next to me?” 

“Well, that’s a given,” Dan agreed. “Do you think we have time to get a coffee?” 

“Yeah, I’ll go grab us one, you watch the bags, yeah?” Phil said, beginning to walk in the direction of the Starbucks. 

 

Dan wouldn’t pretend that he felt comfortable standing there all on his own. The station wasn’t particularly busy yet, but there were still people milling about, enough for someone to hide in. He never thought he would be paranoid like this. Looking through the crowd for a specific face, flinching at any one that came close. He felt like maybe this would be something he would discuss with a therapist, should he ever decide to go to one. Maybe just something he would tell Louise about when it had all passed over and didn’t feel so real. Maybe, one day, it would even be something that he laughed over, but now he just kind of felt sick. He clenched and unclenched his hands, unsure of whether or not he should pull out his phone or try to just stay as alert as possible. 

 

He decided it would probably best to stay aware of his surroundings until he wasn’t all alone. It felt like the longest six minutes of his life before Phil appeared next to him once more. 

 

“Here,” Phil said, handing him a macchiato. “You alright?” 

“Yeah,” Dan said, taking the drink in both hands and taking a long sip. “You?” 

“I think I’ll feel better once we are moving. You want to buy a movie on iTunes or something once we’re on the train? It’ll be a while before we’re there,” Phil asked. 

Dan shrugged. “I’m not sure how well I would be able to concentrate. I might try to sleep.” 

“Alright, well I might rent a Harry Potter, or a Buffy or something,” Phil said, mostly to himself. He seemed nervous, and Dan didn’t blame them. 

‘You sure you’re alright, babe?’ Dan asked, putting a hand on Phil’s elbow. 

“Yeah, I just… the only thing going through my head right now is can we get out of here without him noticing we’ve gone? And if we do, how long until he realizes? And how long until he follows?” Phil said, his voice low.

 

The rumble of the train came from behind him, signaling its approach. 

 

“I guess we’re about to find out,” Dan said, smiling at the other man, his eyes gentle. “I think we’re going to be ok,” he added. “I feel it.” 

 

***

 

“I told you,” Dan said, stretching his arms as he stepped onto the platform. It was mid afternoon now but it felt like a lifetime later. “Longest train ride of my life.” 

‘Well, you moaning about it didn’t help,” Phil laughed. 

Dan started to walk out of the crowded station and out to the street, Phil following him, his fingers through Dan’s belt loop so he could lead him as he stared at his phone. 

“My mum just texted saying she’s booked us a place, that evil woman, I told her I would handle it. And she won’t take a check for it, you know, I’ll try to pay her back and she’ll “accidentally put it down the garbage disposal” and then when I write her a new one she’ll “flush it down the toilet by mistake.” Phil said, scrolling down his notifications. 

“We can always cancel it and rebook it?’ Dan said, shrugging. 

“Yes, but then, she is charged a cancellation fee. I guess I would rather try to repay her than have her get charged for now reason, you know?” Phil said. 

“And then you won’t have to try and book a new place, huh? I think that’s your real motive,” Dan chastised, shooting Phil a knowing look. 

“Yeah, well, and this place is down close to the beach. It’s cute,” Phil said, guiltily. “I mean, if she picked somewhere nice, I’m not going to let it go to waste. And if we need to stay longer than the four days she has booked, I can find us a different place and we can situate that ourselves.” 

“Is it close enough to walk or should I try to hail a taxi?” Dan asked, adjusting his bag, hitting Phil’s hand away from his jeans in the process. 

“Ow,” Phil hissed, shaking his hand, examining it when he had seemingly shaken away the pain. 

“You could hold my hand instead of my belt loop like a normal person and this wouldn’t happen,” Dan chastised him. 

“Well, I needed you in front of me so I couldn’t bump into stuff unless you did, didn’t I?” Phil said, furrowing his brow at the younger man. “And it’s close enough to walk, we don’t need to bother with a cab, if you’re alright with walking for around fifteen minutes. It’s by the sea.” 

“Alright,” Dan said, adjusting his bag so it would be easier to carry in a foot journey. 

“I would like to hold your hand now, though, if that’s alright,” smiling mischievously. 

“Yeah, alright, I guess,” Dan said, feigning annoyance. 

 

Dan walked out of the train station, Phil trailing behind him closely, their hands linked. And for the first time in what felt like forever, Dan felt he could breathe easy. That he could hold his boyfriend’s hand without worrying who saw because none of the people here in Brighton want to bash his head in because he “stole” their soulmate, or was their soulmate’s soulmate, or whatever ill Carter had imagined Dan had done to him. Back home, he had felt he had to be careful of what he was doing in case Carter was there, watching, somewhere, somehow, and would later dole out the punishment he saw fit for touching something he thought was his. But here, at least as far as he knew, there was no one here that cared whether or not he held Phil’s hand, and if they did care, it was for a different reason. Not a reason he really cared to edit himself to accommodate either. 

 

“Maybe,” Dan said, as Phil lead the way towards where they would be staying, consulting the map on his phone, which he decided should be his job because he did orienteering in school. “Maybe we should just stay here. And not go home and then he’ll just think we died in your apartment or disappeared into thin air or something,” Dan said. “Problem solved. We change our names and never talk to our families again.” 

“Oh right, that would be great,” Phil said, his tone thick with sarcasm. “I’d tell my mum, though. If we did.” 

“Well, that’s not how it works though. We have to be like the people in the movies, you know, change out names to like, John and Jack Smith and leave all semblances of our old lives behind,” Dan argued. 

“Oh, so we’re married in this scenario?” Phil asked, looking up from his phone to give Dan a cheeky grin. 

“Well, I don’t know. Couldn’t think of another generic surname off the top of my head,” Dan grumbled, a flush rising to his cheeks. 

“Jones,” Phil said, taking a turn and dragging Dan behind him. “Williams. Brown. Johnson. Davies. Wilson,” he rambled on. 

“Shut up, ok, I get your point,” Dan said, his blush deepening. “You caught me.” 

“It’s alright,” Phil giggled. “We can be John and Jack Smith, if you want to be.” 

 

He paused in front of a hotel that looked nice enough, probably better than they would have booked themselves had they done it, and looked down at his phone. “This is us,” Phil said, smiling at Dan. 

 

They checked in, Phil chuckling when he heard that his mum had booked them under the names “Dan and Phil Lester.” “Well, now I have you both dropping hints,” he had said in a low voice as they walked away from the concierge. 

They kicked off their shoes once they made it into their room. It was nicer than where they had stayed for the expo, that was for sure, but it was a smaller room as this time it only had one bed to accommodate. 

They set their bags on their respective sides of the bed, Dan taking the left and Phil talking the right. 

Phil sat on his side of the bed, testing the bounce of it. He lay down, stretching his arms out to either side of him, his legs still hanging off the side. He shot Dan an upside down smile. 

“This feels better. This is good,” he said, flipping over on his stomach and resting his chin on his hands. “Right? Better?” 

“Yeah, this is better,” Dan nodded, smiling at Phil fondly. 

Phil yawned. 

“I haven’t been sleeping well back home,” Phil admitted, snuggling into the bed further. 

“That’s understandable,” Dan assured him. “Anyone would be on edge in that situation, Phil.” 

“I know. It’s just all hitting me now, you know? I just feel safe enough to feel tired now, I guess,” he mumbled. 

“Would you like to take a nap?” Dan asked, checking the clock to see it was nearly three in the afternoon. It was a bit late for a nap, perhaps, but Phil looked truly exhausted. 

“I think I would like that. Let me shoot Martyn a text letting him know we’re alright and then I will rest my eyes a bit,” Phil agreed, pulling out his phone and tapping away a message. 

 

Phil pulled his legs up onto the bed and shimmied under the covers. 

“You going to nap to or are you going to do something else?” Phil asked, just his eyes above the covers. 

“I’ll just shut the blinds and maybe just lie down, I don’t know if I will sleep any, though. I don’t feel really tired at the moment,” Dan said, getting up from where he sat and closing the curtains before climbing back on the bed, this time slipping under the covers. Phil found his way towards the other man, burying his face in Dan’s chest. Dan rested his chin on the top of Phil’s head, wrapping his arms around him, thinking that he would move once he knew Phil was comfortable and asleep, that he just wanted to make sure that Phil was well before he did his own thing. He thought that, but before long, Phil’s steady breathing lulled him into a heavy sleep himself. 

 


	30. Chapter 30

It was dark when they awoke. Phil woke first this time, as he had shaken Dan awake shortly after. 

“I’m starved,” he said in lieu of a greeting. 

“Yeah, and I’m sleeping well for the first time in a while, so I don’t mind,” Dan grumbled, turning away from Phil’s grip and trying to fall back to sleep. 

“That’s not very nice,” Phil protested. Dan felt the mattress bounce and the blankets poof as Phil fell back into bed beside him. 

“Well, what time is it? You can call room service,” Dan suggested groggily, opening his eye to judge the light of the room, only to remember he had shut the blinds. 

“It’s-uh- “ Phil paused, the light of his phone screen reflecting off the ceiling. “Oh. Woah. It’s like nine.” 

“What the fuck happened to just taking a little nap?” Dan groaned, stretching his arms. 

“I guess we were just really tired. I mean makes sense, doesn’t it?” Phil said, rummaging through the bedside table, the sound of papers shuffling filling the room. “Damn it. Room service ended just now, so we have to actually go outside, I think.” 

Dan let out a long, loud groan in protest. 

“Oh, you have to go out of your room on holiday, poor you,” Phil chastised. 

“Not exactly a holiday, is it?” Dan grumbled. “B’sides, that’s not the point. I’m comfy and cozy.” 

“I’m going to starve to death, Dan, and it looks like everywhere around here closes within the next hour. Do you want me to die?” Phil whined, pushing out his lower lip and making the biggest puppy dog eyes Dan had ever seen. 

“I am closing my eyes so you can’t use your dumb face against me, Lester,” Dan groaned. 

“I’m trying to help you. You’ll appreciate it when you’re stuck up all night because we napped too long and then you’re ravenous at three in the morning. Which you won’t be. If you come get something with me now,” Phil goaded. 

“I’m not hungry,” Dan said firmly, crossing his arms over his chest as he remained lying in bed, eyes firmly shut against the evils Phil’s cute face. His body betrayed him in that moment, his stomach letting out a gurgle. 

“Right,” Phil responded, and Dan could hear the stupid, smug grin in his voice. “Not hungry. Alright, well I am going to find something and I’ll make sure not to bring anything back because you’re so  _ not hungry _ . It’s a shame, thought, I would have really enjoyed your company, and I mean, I really think you’ll get hungry later, and we surely won’t be able to find any-” 

Phil was interrupted by yet another growl from Dan’s stomach. 

“Weird how that keeps happening but you’re not-” 

“Oh, shut up, you ass. Fine. I’ll come. But we should be quick. It’s late and we don’t really know where we are and we could get lost,” Dan warned. 

“I really think we’ll be fine, love,” Phil sighed. “But we can be quick. Ready to go in five?” 

“Ten.” 

“Seven?” 

“Eight.” 

“Seven and a half?” 

“Fine. Seven and a half minutes. No less,” Dan agreed, trying to hide the grin playing on his lips. 

“I wouldn’t deprive you of taking your sweet ass time,” Phil assured him. 

***

“That was definitely eight minutes,” Phil complained. 

“Not even, it was more like six,’ Dan replied, pulling his jacket more tightly around himself. “Do you have the slightest idea where we are going?” 

“The slightest, yes,” Phil agreed. “Though not much beyond that.” He glanced sideways at Dan and shot him a wink. 

“You know that makes me nervous, not knowing where we’re going,” Dan whined, slowing his pace on the pavement a bit. 

“I know where we’re going don’t worry,” Phil huffed. “Really, do you think I would lead us on a wild goose chase through an unfamiliar city at night?” 

“That actually sounds like just the thing you would do, to be honest,” Dan admitted, shrugging at the other man. 

“Oi.” Phil chidded, then added, “ On second thought, you’re probably right.” 

“Aren’t I always?” 

“Not that I’ll ever admit it, but probably,” Phil agreed. “Anyway, how do you feel about Thai?” 

“I feel like I could go for it,” Dan supposed. 

“Good, because we are going here,” Phil said, pointing to the store front in front of them. 

Dan looked at the sign and wrinkled his nose. “You don’t even want Thai, you just want to go somewhere with the word “squid” in it don’t you?” Dan accused. 

‘You know me too well. I looked at the menu on my phone, it’s not all squid based foods, don’t worry,” Phil assured him, his face entirely serious. 

“Well, I am glad that you have my best interests in mind,” Dan said, holding his hand to his chest to show that he was, in fact, touched. 

 

Phil put their name in with the hostess, apologizing for coming in so close to closing. The hostess laughed saying it was no problem, but Dan felt like she was just being nice. It wasn’t super busy, being as late as it was, and the few other people who were in the restaurant were either halfway through their meals or were through and had moved on to drinks. Dan spotted at least two awkward dates, although one of them might have been an awkward nine pm divorce paper signing based on the amount of paper on the table. 

 

“I feel bad coming so late,” Dan said, skimming the menu. 

“People do it all the time,” Phil said lightly, seemingly having already picked what he wanted.

“But we don’t have to be those people, you know?” Dan said, grimacing. 

“If you really feel bad, we could do take out, you know,” Phil offered, Dan surprised with himself for not thinking of that initially. 

“That would make me feel better. Also it would resolve the whole ‘I am so mad you dragged me out of bed right now dilemma,’ as well,” Dan pointed out. 

“I’ll let the server know,” Phil said, rolling his eyes but ignoring Dan’s last comment. 

They placed their orders, Phil adding that they’re so sorry for having them go through the trouble of setting up a table but they will take it to go after all, which seemed to relieve the server rather than annoy her, and soon they were back on the road, each carrying their respective bag of takeaway. 

Once they had made it up to the room, Dan settled quickly back into bed, unpacking his food and settling it precariously on the duvet. 

“If you spill noodles all over the bed, I’m not going to be the one calling down to the front desk for new bed linens,” Phil warned him. “I’ll tell you, you’ve made your bed, now sleep in it.” 

“You’ll have to sleep in it, too, though,” Dan said, all doe eyed and innocent. 

“I’ll sleep on the floor,” Phil said, settling down on the carpet next to the bed and arranging his food neatly in front of him. 

“You’ll miss me, though. And it’s so comfy and cozy up here,” Dan added. 

“I’ll survive, I’m sure,” Phil said. 

“Whatever,” Dan said, rolling his eyes. “Turn on the TV, yeah?” 

“What, is my company not enough for you?” 

“No, not anymore, sorry,” Dan said, smiling apologetically. 

“Well, that was a short lived phase of our relationship,” Phil sighed playfully. 

“You know what they say. Limerence can’t last,” Dan shrugged. 

“Literally no one has ever said that,” Phil scowled. 

“Tell that to my Pysch A levels professor,” Dan replied. 

 

“Whatever,” Phil conceded, turning his attention to the television, trying his best to understand the remote. 

“WOULD YOU JUST LOVE TO WEAR THOSE STRAPPY TOPS?” Blared out of the television a moment before the screen came to life. 

“What do you want to watch,’ Phil asked, pressing a button on the remote. The channel didn’t change. 

“SHOW OFF TONED, SCULPTED ARMS WHATEVER YOUR AGE OR DRESS SIZE!” 

“Well, definitely not this,” Dan said, grimacing at the tv. 

“INTRODUCING SPINGYM, THE POWERFUL NEW WORKOUT!” 

“The channel won’t change,” Phil said, mashing the buttons to demonstrate. 

“So we’re stuck with this?” 

“Looks like it,” Phil said, hitting the volume so it wasn’t so unbearable. “Volume works though, thank god.” 

“I can’t watch this!” Dan whined. 

“What? You don’t want to TONE YOUR ARMS THROUGH THE UNIQUE SPINNING ACTION OF SPINGYM?” Phil asked, imitating the announcer on the television. 

“I don’t want to tone my arms doing anything,” Dan retorted, stuffing a bite of food in his mouth. “Other than maybe Shake Weight and other similar movements.” 

“Hm. Interesting. Noted. Buy Dan Shake Weight for his birthday,” Phil mimed writing the note in the air. 

“You better not,” Dan warned through his mouthful of food. 

“We’ll just have to wait and see then, huh?” Phil teased. “When’s your birthday? June?” 

“Wow, I am actually impressed you knew,” Dan said. 

“I, uh, checked employee documents the other day in case it was soon and I missed it,” Phil admitted sheepishly, taking his eyes off of Dan and gluing them to the screen, suddenly fascinated with getting rid of bingo wings with unique spin technology. 

“That’s sweet of you,” Dan answered quietly, skimming his eyes over Phil’s face as the blue-tinged light of the television flashed over his face. “Although,” he added, “Now that you know you have time, I expect a better gift than a Shake Weight, just saying.” 

“What about something that involves a Shake Weight-like motion?” Phil asked, raising his eyebrow but still staring at the television. 

“As a good, Christian, young man, I will not dignify that with an answer,” Dan replied hautely, turning his nose up at Phil. “Except with a hard maybe.” 

“And that is better than a no, so I will take it,” Phil smiled, finally ripping his eyes away from the screen. 

 

The television, it seemed, was determined to have them watch infomercials and nothing else late into the night, and so that is what they did. Neither of them felt tired until the sun started to peek up over the horizon, at which point they shut off the telly, realizing that they had probably made the lives of anyone else trying to sleep in the rooms closely surrounding them. 

 

“We have royally fucked our sleep schedule,” Dan murmured, nuzzling his cheek into the top of Phil’s head. “We are really making a habit of this. I will say that before I started dating you, even with playing video games until three am, I sure got a hell of a lot more sleep.” 

 

After they had finished their food, Phil had moved up onto the bed with Dan, becoming an unrelenting octopus of a cuddler, wrapping his arms around Dan’s waist and resting his head on Dan’s chest, just below his chin. It had become their default position as of late,  Phil tucked into Dan’s chest, Dan with his arm around the other man protectively. It was moments like these that were his favorite development in their relationship. Dan never felt like he was going to be much good at protecting anyone in his life, and he never really thought that Phil would be a person that sought out protecting, even if it was just from his own thoughts in their bedroom, but Phil, lying like that against him, clearly feeling better at his proximity, made him feel strong. He appreciated it. 

“But I mean, what’s better me, or sleep? On second thought, I don’t want to know the answer and I will just pretend that you said me. We could just sleep all day. But then our entire stay here will be a nocturnal one and I don’t know if I can do another week of the same three infomercials on repeat,” Phil admitted sleepily. 

“I mean, we could just go out to the movies and then like… play a board game or some other archaic form of entertainment” Dan offered. 

“Hey, I actually like board games. But we can play those at home. Want to try to tough it out and just go to sleep at like seven tonight?” Phil asked, trying to hold back another yawn. 

“That does seem like the better option even though it does make us four thousand years old,” Dan agreed. 

“Alright, then. Let’s drink so much coffee that we hallucinate. I knew a kid back in high school that used to take an extra strength pseudophedrine and then do three shots of espresso and he said it got you so zazzed you couldn’t feel your face or arms,” Phil suggested. 

“Are you suggesting we take…. Allergy medication…. Recreationally?” Dan asked, rolling his eyes. 

“Well, I mean, it’s an ends to a means?” 

“You go get zazzed on sudafed, I am going to just be incredibly grumpy and unagreeable all day and call that good,” Dan said. “Now I believe you said something about coffee?” 

“Right. I need it. As in, I feel like I need to mainline it.” 

“I am not letting you inject coffee into your bloodstream, Phil,” Dan chastised through his giggling. 

“Well, you’re just no fun today, are you?” Phil laughed. 

“Oh, be quiet and get up,” Dan laughed. 


	31. Chapter 31

“I don’t think I have ever been outside this early in the morning,” Dan said, holding the cup between his hands. “At least, not when I am not on my way home and into bed.” 

“It’s peaceful, though, isn’t it?” Phil asked, and as if on queue, a bus lumbered around the corner, disrupting the quiet as the brakes hissed. 

 

They were walking towards the beach, the water already in view. They each had a cup of coffee in hand, Dan carrying a pistachio muffin in a paper bag and Phil, a cinnamon roll. They had planned to find a bench somewhere along the way and stop to eat. 

 

“Or not,” Dan said. “Come on, there’s a park this way, isn’t there,” he added, gesturing the opposite way of the bus.

Phil followed him, complaining as he did. “How long does it take for caffeine to kick in? Three hundred years?” he whined. 

“You’ve had three sips, Phil, of course you can’t feel it yet, your body hasn’t had a chance to process it,” Dan said, looking up ahead for said park he had sworn he had seen on his phone map last night when they were finding a place to eat. 

“They should make one that works faster,” Phil grumbled against the lid of his coffee cup, taking a sip immediately afterward.

Dan rolled his eyes, but hurried along the pavement, spotting a bit of green in the distance. 

“You’re walking too fast,” Phil commented. 

“I’m sorry, but if you don’t mind I am trying to have a nice morning with my boyfriend as we eat breakfast, and also I am supposed to be the grumbly one, and thirdly it was your idea to stay up, so if you would kindly be quiet for one minute,” Dan snapped at him. 

Phil pouted, but silenced himself, taking another sip of his coffee. “Just hungry s’all.” 

“Well,  I’m trying to find us a place to sit and eat, aren’t I?” 

“Could have stayed at the cafe,” Phil mumbled. 

“Yeah, but we didn’t, so shush,” Dan said, finally arriving at the green space that he had spotted and, relieved to find it was a park and he wasn’t remembering the map incorrectly, and that thankfully, there was a bench. 

He plopped down onto the seat, Phil following close behind him. 

Phil sighed and made no motion to begin eating, which Dan noted as he tore into his own breakfast. 

Phil sighed a second time. 

“Ok, what is wrong with you? Did Eeyore possess you somewhere in between the cafe and here?” Dan asked, trying to keep the subject light, although he was genuinely worried. Sighing and complaining like that wasn’t like Phil. He was normally indifferent, Dan supposed, or recently, having more of a sunny disposition, but never this gloomy. 

“I’m just a bit… I reckon the right word is anxious, but really I just feel more sick,” Phil admitted, letting out a puff of air after the last word, as though he had been holding the sentence in for a great while. 

“What’s wrong? He hasn’t tried to contact you, has he?” Dan said, replaying the night in his head, trying to think of whether Phil had gotten any texts. If he was remembering correctly, he remembered Phil looking at his phone frequently, but never hearing it go off or seeing him type anything. Dan’s stomach sunk. Maybe he had  _ wanted  _ Carter to contact him. Dan didn’t know why Phil would want that, unless this whole thing was just some sick joke and Carter and Phil were actually still together and got off on messing with young men’s emotions. But, Dan didn’t let that thought rest on his mind for too long because it was completely and utterly ridiculous. At least he thought it was ridiculous. It was probably ridiculous. 

“No, no, no, thank god,” Phil replied hurriedly. “But Martyn hasn’t tried to contact me either, and I am assuming you haven’t heard from Louise.” 

Dan realized he was right, he hadn’t heard from Lou since they had gotten there yesterday, and not talking for that long really wasn’t like them, but was especially strange given the circumstances. The uneasy feeling that was already resting lightly upon Dan’s stomach deepened its grip. 

“I just. I know they probably don’t want us don’t want us to worry about whatever is happening back home and just enjoy our time here, but part of me wants to think that maybe we haven’t heard from them because something has happened to them, you know?” Phil continued. 

“We… we could call them, if that would make you feel better. I think it would make me feel better,” Dan added, mostly so Phil didn’t feel like he was the only one worried, but also because now that the little worm of worry had wiggled its way into his ear, he knew it would not quiet until he heard Louise’s voice. 

“We could do that. But it is also six in the morning and I would be shocked and amazed if either of them were awake right now,” Phil pointed out. 

“Oh. Right.” 

They both sat in silence, neither of them touching their food. 

“You want to try calling them, anyway, don’t you?” Phil asked. 

“Yes, don’t you?” Dan asked, his fingers finding his phone as though they had a mind of their own, unlocking it, his finger hovering over Louise’s contact. “Should I?” 

Phil hesitated and then said, “Yeah. Yeah, do it, I won’t be able to.. Think.. even until I know they’re alright.” 

“Ok, good,” Dan breathed, hitting the phone symbol under Lou’s name. 

 

It rang once. Twice. Louise answered before the third. 

“Hello,” Louise said, her voice gravelly with sleep. 

“Ok, you’re alive,” Dan sighed with relief. 

“What?!?” 

“We just hadn’t heard from you or Martyn in a while so we got worried,” Dan explained. 

“Yeah, it’s six in the damn morning, Dan, I have never called you before noon, why would I start now,” she grumbled, and Dan could tell she still had her face pressed into her pillow and if she were anywhere near him at the moment would likely strangle him with her bare hands. “You were both worried? What kind of horrors have you been feeding Phil to make him worried?” 

“Yes, we’re both worried, and actually, Phil was the one to bring it up, so... “ Dan was tempted to end the sentence with ‘take that, I’m not the only worry wart,” but he didn’t need to make himself any lamer than he already was. 

“ _ Phil  _ was worried first? You two are really rubbing off on each other,” Louise said. 

“Oi, shut it. Anyway, you’re both alright then?” 

“I’m fine, clearly, and Martyn was fine before he went up to bed last night, but who knows now. Could be dead and gone.” 

‘Lou! Not funny,’ Dan scolded. 

“I’m sure he’s fine, Dan,” Louise said, clearly short on patience. 

“Go check,” Dan said. 

“I’m not going to stick my head into my boss’s bedroom to look in on him as he sleeps, Dan, unlike you, I have no desire to watch my boss sleep, amongst doing other things,” she bickered. 

“Just go press your ear on the door or something and see if you can hear him breathing or whatever,” Dan begged. 

“You’re not going to let me go back to sleep in peace until I do it, are you?” 

“Nope,” Dan said triumphantly, knowing he had gotten his way. 

“Fine,” she huffed, and Dan heard movement on her end as she got out of bed. “Can’t believe you’re making me climb stairs at six am to go press my ear on _ Martyn Lester _ , master of my  _ livelihood’s _ door. To listen to him  _ breathe,  _ no less.” 

“You’re a peach.”   
“Yeah, yeah,” Louise responded, but Dan could hear the smile in her voice. 

There was silence on the other end of the line for a moment. 

“Yeah, he’s breathing, now leave me alone,” Louise said, the sound of her feet thumping down the stairs filtering through the speaker. 

“Thank you,” Dan said. “Text me when you wake up later, just so I know you’re alright.” 

“Shouldn’t I be the one who is all worried about you?” Louise asked. 

“For all we know, you’re the one who is closer to him,” Dan responded. 

“That is a great message to send me back to sleep with,” Louise groaned. 

“Sorry. Sleep well,” Dan finished sunnily, waiting for Louise’s response, but was met only by a dead phone line when she hung up on him. “Okay, so she’s a little pissed but she’s alive, so is Martyn, and now we can eat breakfast.” 

“Right,” Phil nodded, a clearly fake smile plastered on his face, making no motion to begin eating his food. 

“What now? We know they’re alright,” Dan reiterated.

“I suppose I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop,” Phil reasoned. “I don’t know what I’m expecting but I just.. Feel something coming.” 

“That’s just anxiety, Phil,” Dan said softly. “I have that feeling all the time. I have been convinced for most of my life that some Big Bad Event is on it’s way, and so far, nothing has happened.” 

“Maybe this is it,” Phil said, looking up at Dan with glassy eyes. “Maybe this, being with me and all it entails is the big bad thing that you are waiting for.” 

“No,” Dan said, laughing weakly. “I would know if the big bad thing was happening, because the feeling of waiting would go away, wouldn’t it? Anyway, there isn’t a universe that exists where you are part of a big bad thing.” 

“How can you be sure?” Phil asked, his voice on the edge of breaking. 

“Because I know,” Dan said. “You are definitely a wonderful, great thing that I never expected. That’s the exact opposite of a big bad thing, isn’t it?” 

“Yes, I guess,” Phil admitted, fidgeting with his cinnamon bun in the bag. He tore off a small piece and popped it into his mouth. 

Dan smiled at him and continued on with his own breakfast. His phone buzzed, a message from Lou popping up on his screen. 

 

Lou: Two questions why the fuck are you up this early and second how do you manage to wake up from halfway across the country i am so going to kick your ass when you get him. 

 

Dan giggled. 

 

Dan; You’ll miss me too much by then

Lou: Along with waking me up, you have also awoken an undying rage fueled by the fact that I could have slept for two more hours today and you robbed me of that. 

Lou: I am going to wake Martyn up just so we all have to suffer because of you and then he’ll want to kick your ass, too. 

Lou: also i was thinking about it too much and now I am creeped out and don’t want to be alone. 

Dan: :( sorry lou. I didn’t mean to freak you out but I was sort of freaked out too

Lou: I know. Clearly, you are contagious. 

 

“Is that Louise?” Phil asked, his mouth full of cinnamon roll, as he seemingly had regained his appetite. 

“Yeah, she’s mad because she can’t sleep now that we’ve woken her. She says she’s going to wake Martyn now, too, as I kind of freaked her out I think, now that I have reminded her that he’s as close to them as he is,” Dan continued, pushing his phone back into his pocket. 

“Hopefully, she tells Martyn she’s scared, otherwise he’ll be an absolute terror about losing sleep,” Phil said. 

“Right, Louise admit any type of weakness? Likely story,” Dan scoffed. A breeze blew through the park, causing Dan to shiver, and alerting him of how chilly it actually was. “I’m freezing,” he announced. 

“Let’s go back,” Phil decided, standing up and waiting for Dan to follow suit. 

  
  


****

They had sat in the hotel room messing on their phones and talking about nothing on and off before Phil’s phone began ringing. 

“Hey, Martyn,” Phil said, obviously glad to be hearing from his brother. “What’s up?” 

Dan could hear Martyn just barely as he was lying so close to Phil. 

“Hey, I don’t know if this is the best time, but I just got into the office and I had an email from that supplier in Los Angeles, you know, Fathoms Below, and they wanted to know if we would ever be interested, or rather, if you would ever be interested, in maybe going further into business with them? I was going to let it wait until you came back from your little break, but I figure they would like an answer sooner rather than later,” Martyn finished, slightly winded with how quickly he was speaking. 

“Woah, woah, slower. What do you mean by further into business with them?” 

“They are interested in opening an office over here since they have a lot of business picking up “our side of the pond” as they so quaintly put it. They were interested in you as the person to be in charge.”

“Holy shit,” Dan whispered, prodding Phil’s side. 

Phil shushed him. 

“Why me? They’ve only ever spoke to me concerning our inventory, I don’t see why they think I could undertake a project like that,” Phil said, furrowing his brow. 

“Phil, they know your stuff. And they would send someone over to help you get on your feet obviously.” 

“But Mum and Dad-” 

“Think it’s a good idea,” Martyn cut him off. “I already talked to them about it as I figured you would use the whole “Mum and Dad need me” as an excuse.”   
“Oh. Why?” Phil said. 

“They think it’s a chance for you to grow, Phil. And Pet Castle would always be here if you chose to leave Fathoms. And nothing says that you wouldn’t be able to help long distance with like.. Making orders and schedules and stuff,” Martyn added. 

“Wait? Long distance? I thought you said they wanted it to be in the UK? Why not by home?” 

“Well, I think they want an office closer to London. And by I think I mean I read it explicitly in the email they sent me. But, London isn’t so far,” Martyn said, clearly trying to persuade Phil. “And I mean, I am sure they will be needing people with experience to hire over here. People that have worked in the fish industry before. Perhaps even people named, I don’t know, Dan Howell.” 

“Did they say they would want people in the email?” Phil asked, seeming unconvinced. 

“Yes, they did say that would want your help in the hiring process. If you were to say yes.” 

“Right.” 

“You don’t have to decide right now, I’m just asking if you’re interested, Phil. This isn’t something that you pass up just because you are scared,” Martyn said firmly. 

“Tell them I”m-” 

Phil’s eyes fell upon Dan next to him in the bed, pleading him for an answer, and although Dan could not make the decision for him, he knew this was something that would be too good to pass up without thinking about it a little bit. He nodded at Phil reassuringly but said nothing. 

“Tell them that I am interested at the moment,” Phil finished tentatively. “But, and obviously don’t tell them about all of this, but I don’t think I will know until of this… mess… is sorted. You know?” 

“I’ll make sure they know you need some time to think on it,” Martyn confirmed. “Thank you, by the way for considering it.” 

“No problem,” Phil said, shakily. “Talk to you later.” 

“Later,” Martyn agreed, and the line went dead. 

 

“I think it’s a really good opportunity, Phil, and like Martyn said, it doesn’t have to be forever, Pet Castle will always be there. It just might be nice to have a change of pace, if only for a couple of years,” Dan said, finally piping up after his silence through the whole call. 

“I know, it’s just scary, you know? I’ve never lived anywhere else. I mean, the idea of ever doing anything else but Pet Castle has never even crossed my mind because I always thought, you know, it would be mine one day,” Phil rambled, nervously. 

“Well, I mean, I am sure legally, your parents will definitely hand it over to both you and Martyn, but that doesn’t mean you are stuck there. And Martyn even said that your parents thought it was a good idea,” Dan continued. 

“I know, it’s just a lot to take in. To potentially rewrite the entirety of the life I had planned, especially now, when everything seems so uncertain, I just feel like it isn’t the best time to make a decision like this,” Phil speculated. 

“And you are one hundred percent right about that,” Dan agreed. “So don’t make it right now. Just keep it in the back of your mind, take as much time as they will give you, and make your decision when it feels right, yeah?” 

“I’ll think about it,” Phil restated, although he still didn’t sound very enthusiastic. 

 

Dan was sure that on any other day, this would have been something that excited Phil, but with the wait, the anticipation that currently weighed on his shoulders, the idea of familiarity, especially the familiarity of the store that had been his second home for all his life, was comforting. And Dan couldn’t deny that he hoped Phil would chose to take him with him in the endeavour, should he choose to take up the offer, just so he could see what it was like to live somewhere else for a change, have a change of pace, but, although he chastised himself inwardly for having selfish thoughts, he also knew in his heart of hearts that he really felt the change would also be good for Phil. 

 

Phil became fidgety, unable to focus. 

“Want to do something? Get out of the room?” Dan asked, checking the time on his phone and seeing that it was still nearly an hour before noon. He wasn’t even sure what people did outside this early in the morning, besides go to work. 

“I think I’m just going to take a shower,” Phil said, his voice sounding absent. 

Dan paused, unsure of what to say. He felt like the situation warranted more than an ‘Alright, you go do that,” but that seemed to be all his brain could muster. 

“Ok,” he said, trying to sound cheerful. “Well, let me know if you think of anything you would like to do while you’re in there,” and then registering what he had just said could be taken to imply, he added quickly, “I didn’t mean it like… I just meant. If you decide you want to go to cinema or something..” he trailed off. 

Phil winked at him and said, “I’ll let you know for sure,” a hint of a smile tinging his lips, and Dan was happy that he could at least have given him that, that there was some sort of benefit to his embarrassment. 

 

Now that he was alone, he was really beginning to feel the lack of sleep. Despite the coffee he had had only a few hours before, he found that without Phil next to him showing him literally every single post he saw on tumblr, because apparently that boy was very easily entertained, and Dan humored him by laughing because he would do anything to make the other man smile. 

 

It was only around midday, still too early for him to go to sleep without any late night wakefulness as a repercussions. He needed something, anything, to keep his heavy eyelids from succumbing to the siren call of sleep. He wondered, not for the first time in the last few hours, what Carter was doing. He had checked before, on the train, if he had any social media, and what he could find was extremely private and not really something he could use to discern Carter’s day to day activities. A man like that, he realized, thrived on attention, but also on seeming mysterious. On pulling people in close, too close to escape, before letting his walls down and letting them know what kind of person he really was. Dan just had the misfortune of hopping onto the express train straight to crazyville without the courtesy of forewarning. He shot Louise a text messge. 

 

Dan: Everything alright still? 

Lou: Yes, and if it isn’t i’ll tell you. You can chill for one second, Dan. 

Dan: If it’s not, you may not be  _ able _ to tell me

Lou: you always find a way to make it morbid, howell. You always find a way. 

 

Dan grimaced. Somehow, in a matter of seconds, he had dug himself back into the hole of worry he had escaped from only just this morning. He hated to be this person, but he didn’t think he should be alone right now, and he knew Phil was there, just on the other side of the door, but the silence was agony, and the sound of another infomercial was agony, and sure there was wifi and his phone and numerous streaming services he could be utilizing right now, but somehow, every single show and movie in the world seemed unable to grasp his interest. Everything seemed to remind him of his life, or rather, how the problems of others, fictional or not, seemed to pale in comparison. 

 

He heard the water in the bathroom switch on, the buildings’ pipes groaning in response, causing him to startle. It had felt like ages since Phil had left the room, but apparently it had only been a few minutes. He stood up from the bed, feeling trapped as he lay there. He walked over to the room’s largest window and looked out on the street. There were few people walking around at this time, as it wasn’t really the time of year to vacation, and he supposed most people that actually lived here were inside and at work. There were a few mothers with their young children toddling down the street, chatting to one another about things that only people with small children seem to worry about. There were a few people getting in or out of their cars, and even fewer walking down the street. Not a single one of them even looked remotely like Carter, but Dan still wondered if he was out there, watching Dan, tensing every time Dan’s eyes fell on a spot near him and sighing with relief as Dan moved on, apparently still unaware even though he had come within inches of spotting him. This wasn’t, Dan realized, going to be a sustainable way to live for very much longer. He and Phil couldn’t just run away for a bit and hope Carter would forget. Something had to be done. Either he had to leave, or Carter did, and preferably the later, because Dan worried that even if he did leave, he would be on edge constantly, waiting for Carter to walk round the corner, flinching at the sight of any blond head in a crowd. He supposed he was proving that to himself even now, hours away from home and still paralyzed with the thought that Carter might find him. 

The idea of it made him feel as though he was suffocating. He needed some fresh air. He shot Phil a text and heard his phone vibrate from the bed, realizing that Phil hadn’t taken his phone into the bathroom with him and wouldn’t see his message saying where he went before realizing his was gone. He tested the bathroom door knob and found it unlocked. 

“I’m going to step outside for a moment, Phil, I just need some air. I have my phone and my room key. I won’t go far,” he called through the crack in the door, waving the steam that poured out away from his face. 

“Alright,” Phil said. “Be careful.” 

“Always,” Dan assured him. “Is it lame to say I love you if I’m just stepping out of the room for  a moment?” 

“No, I think it’s sweet.” 

“Ok, good, because I do,” Dan said, wanting to make it sound as though he was saying it just because, but really, it was because he was worried the moment he stepped outside, a burlap sack would be forced over his head and he would be driven out into the middle of the country and left in a ditch somewhere by Carter and his friends (if he had any) and the last thing he said to Phil would not have been I love you. 

“I love you, too. Now close the door, you’re letting the cold in, love,” Phil chastised playfully. 

  
  


Dan slipped out of the room and walked down the hall quietly, hyper aware of his surroundings. He was alone. He couldn’t help but feel that something was off. He wasn’t sure what, but he couldn’t help but feel that something was about to happen. That Phil was right. That there was in fact another shoe and it was just moments away from dropping down, and, with his luck, smacking him right in the middle of the goddamn face. 


	32. Chapter 32

Dan found himself at the same cafe they had visited that morning, drinking a red eye which tasted like absolute piss but did it’s job. He was sat in the tables in front browsing through his twitter timeline when his phone began buzzing frantically, text messages from Louise, Martyn, even Mrs. Lester. His stomach dropped. He hurried to close out of the twitter app and open up the messages, the number 16 now glaring angrily at him from its spot in the middle of the red notification bubble when his phone rang again, this time a phone call from Martyn. 

 

“Listen, if it’s gross, spare me the fucking details, but why the hell isn’t Phil answering his phone? The alarm company has been trying to get a hold of him for fifteen fucking minutes and then they called my mother, she’s worried sick,” Martyn rambled. 

‘Woah, woah, woah, what? I left the room about twenty minutes ago, and he was in the shower then, but I can’t imagine he still would be,” Dan sputtered, sitting up straight in his chair. “What do you mean alarm company?” 

“I mean that the silent alarm in Phil’s apartment was tripped and the police were called to the location and they have someone in custody but they won’t tell us who until they get in contact with Phil and see if he wants to press charges,” Martyn explained, talking so quickly that Dan could barely understand him. “You mean to say you aren’t with him?” 

“No, but I can go back,” Dan said, already standing up to do so. 

 

A myriad of scenarios that he could walk in on ran through his head. Phil could have slipped on some shower gel on the bottom of the shower and knocked himself out, or worse. Or, someone could have snuck into their room just after Dan left and hurt him. Surely, he couldn’t still be in the shower. It had been nearly forty five minutes since he had gotten in, and though Dan was sure the hotel had a large hot water heater, he couldn’t imagine that it would be enough to last through forty consecutive minutes of water. 

 

“What?”” Martyn said, his voice farther away from the phone now. “Oh, thank god. Tell him I have Dan on the phone.” There was a pause. “Yes, of course he’s fine. Now, tell him to get off the phone with you and call the alarm company. I am almost 100 percent sure it’s him. Well. I mean who else could it be, Mum?” There was a lot of shuffling on Martyn’s end of the line and then his voice returned at a normal volume. “Hey, Dan, you still there?” 

“Yes,” he answered quickly. “I am assuming your mum got a hold of him then?”

“Yes. You should get home to him now. I don’t want him to have to figure this out on his own, Dan.” 

“I wouldn’t dream of letting him,” Dan responded, hurrying as fast as his feet would carry him along the short walk from the cafe to the hotel. “I have to go. I’ll text you when I get to him.” 

“Tell us who it is once you find out. Although, I am sure my guess is the same as yours, and I am sure that we are right,” Martyn added, the acid clear in his voice. 

“Talk to you soon,” Dan responded, then shoved his phone into his pocket and broke out into a full out run towards the hotel. 

 

****

 

“Phil,” Dan said, his voice half a yell. He unlocked the door but found it was stopped by the chain. “Phil, it’s me, let me in.” 

“Sorry,” Phil said breathlessly. He unlatched the chain and let Dan in, his phone balanced between his shoulder and his ear. 

“Yes. Yes of course,” he said to whoever he was on the phone with, motioning at Dan to close the door. Apparently, Phil hadn’t wasted a moment between getting out of the shower and getting on the phone, his hair still wet and sticking up in every direction, his towel slung across his hips. Phil’s face was lined with worry and he was pale as a ghost, or paler than the ghost he was usually as pale as. “No. I know him.” 

Dan stopped in his tracks and raised an eyebrow. 

“We were… involved for a time, some years ago. He doesn’t seem to understand that I have moved on. I didn’t think he would stoop this low, but…’ Phil trialled off, pushing his hair back from his forehead. “Did he say.. Did he say what he was trying to achieve by breaking in?” Phil finally stuttered, his eyes not meeting Dan’s although Dan was so desperately trying to catch them with his own. 

Dan could hear the murmur of the voice on the other line but he couldn’t quite make out what was being said. 

“Right. So, he wasn’t armed?” Phil added, seeming to relax. “No, no, that doesn’t change my mind, I still would like to press charges. I want him as far away from me and my family as possible. I think he waited so long to do something drastic like this because I am with someone else now and he thought that they would be at home with me, but we are actually out of town together at the moment because Carter was lurking around and making us uncomfortable, to be quite frank.” 

  
  


Dan’s phone buzzed. 

 

Martyn: news? 

Dan: It was Carter. I don’t know much else. Phil is still on the phone with the police? I think. 

 

Dan turned his attention to Phil as he began to speak again. 

“A cat? Is he ok? Did he hurt him?”  Phil asked, anger apparent in his voice. “Thank god. Yes? Shit.” 

There was another pause he listened to the voice on the other end. 

“Right. Well I guess he succeeded. I’ll get on the phone with a lawyer right away. You’ll be holding him for the time being, correct? We are safe to come home? No, I think he’s burned every bridge with anyone that would have helped bail him out at one time or another, so I don’t think we have to worry much about that,” Phil continued. “Thank you, again.” he added before hanging up. 

He dropped his phone on the bed and rushed Dan, hugging him tightly to him. Dan wrapped his arms around the other man protectively. 

“It’s okay,” he said before Phil could say anything else. 

“I am so glad we left when we did, Dan. If he had done this while we were home… if anything had happened. He just wanted to ‘show us what he was capable of. That’s what he told them. Had a fucking note that said “You’re lucky I didn’t wring its little neck.” And he wasn’t armed, but he still could have hurt you, Dan,” Phil continued, his breathing ragged. Dan felt moisture on his shirt and realized that Phil was crying. “Oh,” he sniffled, “and Socks is alright.” 

“It’s alright, Phil. Don’t worry yourself with what could have happened, just be thankful it happened the way it did, yeah? We’re here, we’re together, we’re safe, and best of all, we know exactly where he will be for the next couple of days, if not longer,” Dan added, tilting Phil’s chin up to look at him. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Phil admitted reluctantly. “Spose I’m also glad I put the alarm in silent mode instead of the audible one. He would have ran if he thought he was caught, but since we weren’t home and didn’t need to be woken up if someone were to break in, I thought the best way to catch whoever might come in would be to have them think they had gotten in without tripping anything,” Phil added. 

“See? This is all working out fine,” Dan reassured him once more. “What are you going to talk to a lawyer about?” 

“I’m not sure really,” Phil answered, letting out a shaky breath. “I should call Mum.” 

“Sounds like a good idea to me,” Dan said, unsure of what the next step would even entail. Calling Mrs. Lester seemed like the most logical thing to do. He wasn’t sure if she would know what to do, it wasn’t as though this was a normal part of adult life. He doubted that she would answer the phone and be able to say, “You know, when my ex partner from my first serious relationship stalked me and broke into my flat with the intent to possibly maim or otherwise harm my current significant other and do god knows what else, what I did was..” 

Still, Dan knew there was a certain comfort in hearing your mother’s voice, especially in a family that was as close as the Lesters. 

 

“Mum,” Phil said after a few moments’ silence, the relief evident in his voice. “I’m sorry.” 

Dan could hair a high pitched response, followed by Phil responding. “I know it isn’t my fault, but I am still sorry that you had to go through it. That I put you through this. I should have listened when you said he was no good, Mum, but now really isn’t the best time for an I told you so.” 

Phil’s eyes found Dan and he smiled weakly as his mother spoke to him. 

“I know Dan wouldn’t do this, Mum, what are you even talking about? I know, you were right about him, I should have listened to you earlier on that, as well,” Phil rolled his eyes. 

 

“Wait, your mum tried to get you to ask me out earlier? When? Is that why you were so sure she would like me?” Dan whisper shouted, his cheeks on fire. Mrs. Lester had been trying to play matchmaker? With him? And her  _ son? _

Phil shooed away at him, but Dan wouldn’t let him move on, poking his side and whispering, “Tell me, tell me.” 

“Yeah, OK?” Phil said, covering the receiver. “Like the second you turned eighteen. I told her of course I was interested but I felt predatory, you know. Whole boss thing.” 

Dan giggled and Phil went back to paying attention to what his mum was saying.    
“Mum,” Phil said, breaking into a new train of thought, “Should I try to get a restraining order? I know they’re hard to get, but I think I have reason enough to want him out of my life, like, legally.” 

 

Dan nodded, although the only knowledge of the legalities behind getting a restraining order, aside from what he knew based off of the true crime television he sometimes watched at four am when he couldn’t sleep, but according to those, it wasn’t easy. It seemed the main issue was proving that the other party posed enough of a threat to you to warrant a restraining order, but last time he checked, breaking into someone’s house just to leave them an entire cat and a note saying they were lucky he didn’t kill the cat was pretty fucking threatening. In fact, he reckoned anything with a brain could see that Carter was dangerous. 

Phil continued speaking with his mother, Dan listening intently. 

“I should move, shouldn’t I?” Phil asked, his voice strained. “I didn’t mean… No, Mum, I’m still thinking on that.” 

There was another pause. Dan could feel Phil actively avoiding his gaze. 

“Well, I’m not going to make a life altering decision just because I am scared that Carter will find me once he’s out again, am I?” Phil said, his voice shaking a bit. 

“But you also shouldn’t take it because you’re scared of leaving,” Dan added quietly. “It seems like you’re looking for any excuse not to.” 

“I…. I know,” Phil admitted, furrowing his brow. “No, I was talking to Dan,” he said, his attention drawn back to his mother. 

“I don’t know, he hasn’t said. I think he doesn’t want to weigh in too explicitly because he likes the idea of it but he doesn’t want to be the reason that I left Pet Castle if I end up regretting it.” Phil’s eyes met Dan knowingly. 

Dan was a bit shaken by how spot on Phil was, but he tried not to telegraph how he felt either way. 

“I’m right, aren’t I?” Phil asked, his eyes skimming over Dan’s face again. 

Dan shrugged, but he knew he had never been good at hiding his emotions, no matter how hard he tried. 

“I will say,” Phil continued, though Dan was unsure if he was addressing him or his mother, “That after this, everything about that offer does sound a little bit more appealing.” 

 

Dan was distracted momentarily as his phone buzzed. 

 

Martyn: The police want you guys to come home, right? I think they told Phil to come back to file a statement. 

 

Dan realized he wasn’t sure. He thought he heard Phil say something along the lines of asking if it was safe to come home but he didn’t confirm whether or not they actually were. He nudged Phil and showed him his phone screen, at which Phil nodded. 

“Mum, I have to go. I have to arrange a train back up there, the police want to talk to me. And I need to cancel out hotel room,” Phil said. “No, I will take care of any cancellation fees if there are any, you don’t need to spend any more on this whole ordeal.” Phil sighed as he listened to his mother for a few more seconds and then said, “I don’t want to jinx it either, but I really hope it’s over. I think it is.” 

 

“Do you think it is? Really?” Dan asked, snaking his arm around Phil’s waist. 

“It has to be, doesn’t it?” Phil said, resting his hand on top of Dan’s. He pulled Dan down on to the bed with him, resting his head on the other man’s shoulder. “We’re going to be happy now, Dan.” 

“I thought we already were happy,” Dan commented, gazing down at Phil. 

“Well,  we were. But now we are going to be happy without having to look over our shoulders every five minutes because we thought someone was about to jump us,” Phil elaborated. 

“Oh, that does sound better,” Dan agreed. “But what if the magic is gone now that the element of danger has subsided?” he added, barely able to keep the hint of a grin from his lips. 

“Oh, wow, you’re right,” Phil nodded. “Magic is completely gone now that our relationship isn’t life threatening.” 

“Shut up,” Dan said, nudging him. “We have a reservation to cancel and a train to catch.” 

 

*****

 

Dan had never experienced a quicker train ride. He wasn’t completely convinced that they hadn’t gone through some weird time warp on the way there, they had arrived home so quickly. 

 

They had stopped by the police station first, Phil having to fill out a bunch of paper concerning the paperwork. Dan waited in the office fidgeting with his phone as he waited for Phil to be done. 

 

“Do you want to stop by your house on the way home?” Phil asked as they head back to the car. 

“Sure,” Dan shrugged. It felt like months since he had been back to his apartment, even though he knew in actuality it had been only a matter of days. 

“If you want to stay there tonight, you can. I understand if you don’t want to come back to mine. I don’t entirely want to either,” Phil said, starting the car up and beginning the short drive to Dan’s building. 

“I don’t want to be alone,” Dan answered. He did want to stay at his own place, that was true, but he didn’t want to do so alone. All the same, he felt like a bit of a scaredy cat asking Phil outright to stay with him. 

“I could… I don’t know I could stay with you after I check up on mine,” Phil answered, pulling into Dan’s lot. 

 

Entering the building felt surreal. It felt like somewhere he had seen on TV before, but not somewhere he had lived for an extended period of his life. To his relief, both the knob and deadbolt were locked when they arrived at his flat. 

He unlocked the door and let them both in. The air felt odd to say the least. It felt as though it hadn’t been still as long as it should have been. Everything was in its place though, and there didn’t seem to be any signs that someone else had been in his flat while he was gone. Nothing but a strange, uneasy feeling that Dan wasn’t entirely sure wasn’t just all in his head. 

“Something is off,” Phil said, breaking the silence, seeming to have read Dan’s mind. 

“I thought so, too, but whatever it is, I’m not observant enough to know what it is,” Dan huffed, settling down into his sofa. 

It hit him as he settled into the sofa that he hadn’t slept yet. 

“I’m fucking shattered,” Dan said, nuzzling his cheek into the sofa cushion. 

“Me too,” Phil agreed. “We can wait to stop by mine until tomorrow if you like,” he added, but instead of settling down on the couch with Dan, he headed down the hall back to Dan’s bedroom. 

“Hey, where are you going?” Dan called. 

“I dunno about you but I’m taking a nap,” Phil responded, his voice muffled by what Dan assumed was a pillow. “Maybe even a proper sleep.” 

“Without me?” Dan whined, getting up and padding down the hall towards his room.

“Didn’t say you couldn’t come,” Phil answered. 

Dan found Phil lying face down on his bed, breathing so deeply with exhaustion that Dan wasn’t entirely sure that Phil hadn’t fallen asleep and was now snoring in the time it took for him to get to the hall from the bedroom. He sunk down onto the bed besides the other man, lying on his side so he could look at him. Dan liked seeing him like this. Peaceful. 

Phil spoke, startling Dan. “Smells like you,” he mumbled. “Like it.” 

“Well, that’s because it’s my bed,” Dan stated. “And, you’re on my side, by the by.”

“Yeah. But if you think I am moving, you’re wrong,” Phil said, nuzzling into the bed even harder to further his point. 

“You don’t have to switch sides but you do have to switch pillows because that one is mine and I miss it. I like it better than the guest pillow.” 

“Oh, so I’m getting the shit pillow then? You’re giving the man you love a shit pillow?” Phil complained, clutching to the pillow as Dan tried to pull it out from under his head. 

“Yes, but only because you’re getting the better side of the bed,” Dan reasoned, finally freeing the pillow from Phil’s grasp. 

“Whatever, you suck,” Phil pouted, but accepted the alternate pillow Dan offered him. 

“Yeah, but you like me,” Dan rebutted. 

“I guess you’re right,” Phil sighed throwing his arm over Dan’s midsection. 

 

Dan lay there in silence for awhile, staring at the ceiling and listening to Phil’s steady breathing, focusing on the weight of Phil’s arm on his stomach. He was home, he was safe, it was over. Was it over? 

 

“Phil?” he asked, his voice barely a whisper. He winced at the nervousness in his voice. 

“I knew I could hear all those gears moving around in that head of yours,” Phil mumbled, clearly having nearly been asleep when Dan had spoken again. 

“Do you really think he’s gone?” 

“Yes. At least for tonight. At least for a  _ while,  _ “ Phil answered, turning his body into Dan’s, resting his cheek on Dan’s shoulder. “Hopefully, forever but I’ll take what I can get right now. I’m tired.” 

“I hope it’s forever,” Dan murmured, wrapping his arm around Phil’s shoulders, knowing he would regret it in a few hours when his arm had gone all pins and needles, but right now, he didn’t much care. 

“I think it will be. I think he’s realized how he isn’t going to run. I mean, this is a guy you came from money and landed himself a cushy job straight out of college. This isn’t where anyone thought that he would end up. I mean, anyone except maybe his exes like me that know him better,” Phil finished, humming sleepily. 

 

Dan nodded, though Phil couldn’t see him. Phil pressed a kiss to his shoulder and sighed sleepily, finally leaving Dan alone in consciousness. 

 

Dan knew that he was finally safe, he was able to live his life as he wanted, he was able to start his life with Phil and finally have it be his own rather than some sick puppet show put on by Carter. But somehow, he still felt him. He felt him here more than he had felt him in Brighton. Even though he wasn’t even sure that Carter had even been in his house while he was gone, and there weren’t any signs that he was, but still, Dan felt him. He worried that he would feel him where ever he went in this damn city. Phil’s flat. The store. Martyn’s, Louise’s, even the Lester family home. 

 

He worried the feeling would never fade. 

  
  


*******

 

Dan was awoken by the smell of coffee. 

 

He noticed that Phil wasn’t in the bed next to him, which he supposed was good because that meant someone hadn’t broken into his house specifically to use the coffee maker. 

Dan dragged himself out of bed and made his way down the hallway, stumbling sleepily. 

 

He found Phil waiting for him, leaning against the kitchen counter with a cup of coffee in his hands.

 

“Hey, you,” Phil said, sunnily. “You sleep well?” he continued, holding out one of his arms for Dan, tucking him into a hug when the boy finally reached him. 

 

“Like the dead,” Dan said. “Didn’t even dream. Which was probably for the better. I doubt they would have been good.” He took Phil’s cup from him and took a sip, grimacing. “Too sweet.” 

“Good thing it’s not yours then,” Phil replied, taking his cup back. “Are you still feeling uneasy?” 

 

Dan nodded, pouring his own cup of coffee. “Am I crazy if I say yes?” 

“No, because I feel it, too,” Phil said hesitantly. “I know he’s not here any more, but I feel like at any moment he could just-” 

“Burst through that door and make our lives hell again?” 

“Exactly.” 

“Phil, I don’t know how we can ever just go back to normal here,” Dan said quietly. 

“I know,” Phil said, shaking his head. “I know we can’t. You know, Pet Castle was my favorite place in the whole world but, now, I don’t think that I could walk down those aisles without thinking about him, being there, taking the cat. Standing outside for god knows how long waiting for us to close. He always resented that store. Was jealous of it. Wouldn’t he be glad to know he’s finally figured out a way to make me want to spend less time there?” 

Phil’s voice broke, but Dan could tell he didn’t want it acknowledged. 

“I know what you mean,” Dan agreed. 

“The store is closed today, by the way. Mum called to tell me. Everyone is getting a mental health day,” Phil added. 

“I feel like I need a mental health year,” Dan chuckled. 

“We could… we could take one. Or a few,” Phil offered tentatively, running a finger around the rim of his coffee cup, not making eye contact. 

“What? And live in your parents basement while we’re unemployed? Because I know my parents won’t be game for that,” Dan said, puzzled. 

“No. The Fathoms job. The new office in London. We could take the job. It sounds better. A fresh start sounds better,” Phil said shakily. 

“Listen, I want a fresh start as much as anyone, but please don’t make a rash decision just because-” 

“Dan. I know what I want. I want to work somewhere that doesn’t stink of him. I want to walk down the street and not be reminded of us hiding. I want to live somewhere where if I forget to turn on my alarm when I go to sleep I won’t wake up to someone having broken in and taken you hostage or something,” Phil said firmly. “I want a place that can be ours. Here… Here he has taken everything from us.”  

“A-as long as you’re sure,” Dan stuttered, setting down his coffee, untouched. 

“Dan, the only thing in the world I’m more sure of than this is being with you,” Phil said firmly, catching Dan’s gaze and holding it there, his eyes ringing with more intensity than Dan had ever seen there in the past. 

 

“I….” Dan’s stomach flipped. Of course, he had decided a long time ago that he didn’t want to live here, do this, forever, but now that it was a real possibility, it was scary. He had counted on having Phil not taking the job as something to fall back on, a reason not to go. He was safe here. It was predictable here. It was home. But against all odds, Phil was going to say yes. He was going to go. And he should be excited. He supposed somewhere, deep down, he was, but he was scared. “I… need to find out how soon I can break my lease, I guess, then.” 

“Don’t get ahead of yourself. I still need to call them and let them know that I’m interested, and in order to do that, I have to wait until it isn’t some ungodly hour in LA,” Phil added, glancing at the clock, “which is currently is.” Phil walked across the kitchen and wrapped his arms around Dan’s waist. “What I am trying to say Phil is we aren’t moving tomorrow. We may not even be moving next month. We have time. You have time. I was just suggesting we get the ball rolling.” 

“Right,” Dan nodded, the tightness in his stomach dissipating. Phil was right. 

“This is going to be a process, Dan. We aren’t just going to get past this overnight. I know that. Don’t think I have tricked myself into thinking that moving somewhere new and getting a new job will make this all disappear. But they are steps to move forward,” Phil continued. 

 

“So what do you say we get some breakfast and try to waste time until you can call them and take that step forward?” Dan asked. 

 

“I say that sounds like a really good idea,” Phil smiled. 

  
And sure, everything was going to be different, but that was unavoidable. When something happened like what had, there wasn’t really a way to snapback. So things were going to be different. But Dan couldn’t also help but feel that would be okay. 


	33. Epilogue

“This is Fathoms London, what can I do for you?” 

 

“Yeah,” a familiar voice filtered through the receiver. “Do you have a pretty, tall boy working there named Dan?” 

 

“Phiiilll,” Dan laughed, ‘why didn’t you just call my cell?” 

“What and lose the opportunity to hear you answer the phone all weird and professional? Never,” Phil answered. 

“What’s up?” Dan asked. 

“I was just wondering how things are up there,” Phil continued. He was back home visiting his parents for a couple days and Dan was holding down the fort, if you could call answering a phone call from Phil asking how everything was every few hours holding down the fort. 

 

“Aren’t you meant to be taking a break from how things are going down here?” Dan chastised, turning back to the paperwork on his desk, eyeing Phil’s empty desk on the other side of the room. 

“Just tell me. Please, babe,” Phil pleaded with him. 

“Ok, fine,” Dan said, flipping through his notes for the day. “We have an order of three spot damsels going to…. A private collector in France. Big house, big tank or multiple tanks from the sound of it. Lionfish, also private collector this time in Wales. Three Mako sharks going to the aquarium in… Cheshire,” Dan said, tracing down the form with his finger. “And then a big ass order of coral going to some weird little mom and pop shop up north. Pet Kingdom? Pets of the Round Table?” 

“I told Martyn they don’t need anymore coral, dammit,” Phil mumbled. “But wait, all of that is today?” 

“Yeah, all today,” Dan said, smiling at the phone although Phil couldn’t see him. 

“That’s so good,” Phil said, excitement clear in his voice. “The guys in LA are going to be so pleased.” 

“It’s really good, Phil,” Dan affirmed. 

 

And it was. They were really good at this. All of it. Sales, customer service, making sure the livestock was being transported safely and efficiently, managing a warehouse of thirty people, they made an insanely good team. 

 

He missed Pet Castle. He missed Louise, but they spoke every day. She had taken Phil’s job at Pet Castle when they moved and they hired on a whole new batch of young people to fill in the gaps left by her and Dan moving onwards and  upwards. She was going to come down and stay with them soon at their new flat. 

 

He was excited. Their new flat was small, but it was theirs and it was in London. They lived right in the middle of everything, so different from how he had grown up. And yet, even though they lived in one of the most interesting cities in the world, they found themselves staying in more often than not. Learning how to cook, which they were not as good at as they were Fathoms Below London, but they were getting there. 

 

“Getting there” is how Dan would describe most of his life at that moment. It had been eight months since the last run in they had with Carter. They were both able to get restraining orders, and Carter was sentenced to eighteen months, all though he got out early on good behavior. He hadn’t been around though. As far as they knew, he didn’t know where they were, but if he did, we was smart enough to leave them be. 

 

That being said, Dan didn’t love being alone in the city for long. 

 

“When are you coming home again?” Dan asked, although he already knew. Phil was going to be gone two nights, and he had already been gone one, so he would be back sometime tomorrow. 

“Tomorrow,” Phil answered quickly. “Do you miss me that much?” 

“That much and more,” Dan answered. 

Phil laughed. “I love you. I’ll call tomorrow.” 

“I know you will. I love you, too,” Dan replied, setting down the phone after Phil had hung up. 

  
He sighed, pushing the paperwork away from him and looking around the office, looking at everything they had built already in the few short months they had been working at it, amazed. They had already done so much. They had already come so far, healed so many wounds, overcome so many obstacles. That feeling of a great, big, bad thing had dissipated to nothing. They were capable of so much. And for the first time in his life, Dan couldn’t wait to see what was coming up next. 


End file.
